i can't see
my calloused feet,
as they trace the dirt paths
towards a shadowy figure.
i can't see
my barren hands clenching,
and unclenching, at the struggle
of reaching the end of this smoke -
this mist.
i can't see
where i'm going to,
but all i want is to touch
you at the far end of the humid air.
i can't see
because i am trapped in a mist
of darkness, keeping me from
my light -
you.
i can't see
you.
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139,441 Literary Works • 672,564 Reviews
Hello, InfiniteRectangles here with a review for you!
Alright, so I quite enjoyed this poem. It was relatively short and simple but still filled with emotion. I like the repetition of "i can't see" at the beginning of each stanza. I also liked how the ending, although simple, seemed so full of emotion and finality. It made the poem feel complete. Sometimes with simpler poems like this, I get to the end and it is rather anticlimactic. Like, that's it?? But I didn't feel that here.
I like how you add a period at the end of the stanza to symbolize a complete thought (at least that's what I got out of it.) However, you need to be careful when adding punctuation into a poem. With the relaxed rules of poetry, it can be very easy to neglect punctuation and create inconsistencies within your poem. Punctuation in poetry can symbolize many things, but often they show a pause. Instead of just having a period at the end of your stanzas, you can create pauses within the lines with the usage of commas and periods and such. You were on to something with the hyphens, but just make sure you stay consistent with your punctuation.
One example of an inconsistency in punctuation is this stanza, which is the only one with a comma:
"i can't see
where i'm going to,
but all i want is to touch
you at the far end of the humid air."
Now, I do understand that minimal punctuation is a common poetry style, but like I said, it needs to stay consistent. This stanza worked really well with the comma because it let the reader know there was a pause there. This stanza didn't feel as rushed as the others. SO just keep that in mind.
That's all I have for you. You're a fantastic writer and you use imagery very well. I am looking forward to reading more of your work! Keep writing and have a wonderful day/night!
Thank you for this lovely review! Forgive me if I only saw this now because I am too occupied with the real life. Thank you so much for giving me information on punctuation because I really am not that good at it, frankly. I never knew there were inconsistencies, consistencies, to notice in punctuation as there are in other ideas. Thankyouthankyouthankyou!
This was such a pretty poem! Your imagery was very well done. I don't know if this poem's style is how it's supposed to be, as I am not the author, but it was a little hard for me to follow without a little punctuation here and there. My favorite part was with the "calloused feet". That sounds so dramatic, perhaps it meant that the speaker had been walking and searching for the person for a long time? Either way, it was a good poem overall. Keep writing!
Thank you for your review! :3
This may sound time-consuming buuut can you tell me where to fix my punctuation, etc.? I have a hard time on fixing them and I don't really know how. I have the habit of ignoring them, probably picked it up as a child.
Hey! I am here to review your poem!
)
First off, great poem! Great meaning, and smooth.
Second, you didn't capitalize any of it? All the "i" should be "I". The punctuation and grammar is good, but could be fixed in some spots. I like the meaning of the poem, and it brings up a lot of questions in the readers mind.
It's short and snappy, and fits together. My favorite line is "... Of darkness keeping me from my light" 4th verse, third and fourth line. Well done!
Keep up the good work, and keep writing!
-Ronan
(I sent this already, but I forgot to check the review box
i intentionally didn't capitalize any of it. That is a style in poetry often used. But I guess it could be changed... Hm... anywaaays. Thank you for your kind review!
(Resent this message as a review)