Compressed cola cans and
ink-scarred fingertips
are what I have become,
what you have done to me.
The pages don't matter anymore;
I've lost count.
You should go away;
I wish I've forgotten you now
I wish I tried letting go
of your sketchy smile,
of ruffled hair,
of dim light unto our eyes.
Instead I blotched my hands
with jet black ink,
and imagined the dark hair
and pale skin,
I have to say goodbye
because I've become a fool.
I throw away another can;
I freaking hate you.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hello MemoryHunter!
This is an interesting work here, and while I like it quote a bit, I think there are some ways you can improve and focus it more.
This line seems a bit odd... Maybe you can change it to something like, "I wish I could fogey you now" or "I wish now that I'd forgotten you". I don't think that I've is quite the right word there.
The first line is nice, I like knowing about the sketchy smile, but maybe you should say "your ruffled hair", just for clarification that it's not anyone's ruffled hair in general, which I'm sure you don't mean. Then the last line... I'm not sure where you're going with that. Unto doesn't seem to fit there, no matter what variation you might change it to, so maybe you want something more like in. "Of dim light in our eyes" or even just "in your eyes". I'm not sure why the light is dim, either, unless it's particularly meaningful to you and I just don't see it. Whatever the case, I think you should just take a look at this line.
I feel like the "the" in this line is dragging it down a bit. I think you should change it to your or just take it out altogether. I just think it doesn't particularly help the line.
So, this is very short and simple. We know about the person the narrator is imagining, but I would love to know about the ink and cans. Why are they important to the narrator? What is the narrator doing with those items? It's fine to keep the mystery, but I'm curious, and you should make sure that you yourself know. Along the lines of focus, I can feel that the narrator is a little torn, but I think it could be more focused. Maybe you could figure out exactly what the character is feeling or not feeling and use strong words to direct the poem down that specific path. Just some suggestions, and you don't have to take any of them if you don't want to. Nice poem!!
-Falco
Thank you for that awesome review! Of course I know what the narrator is doing with those items. Lying there, writing about this guy, drinking cola cans while writing to boost her energy but also putting her frustration/love/tsundere feelings into the cola cans. I think I can make this poem clearer now. Thank. You. So. Much.
Thank you for that awesome review! Of course I know what the narrator is doing with those items. Lying there, writing about this guy, drinking cola cans while writing to boost her energy but also putting her frustration/love/tsundere feelings into the cola cans. I think I can make this poem clearer now. Thank. You. So. Much.
Thank you for that awesome review! Of course I know what the narrator is doing with those items. Lying there, writing about this guy, drinking cola cans while writing to boost her energy but also putting her frustration/love/tsundere feelings into the cola cans. I think I can make this poem clearer now. Thank. You. So. Much.
Hello, I have to do a review so why not on your poem. This was a good poem, I really enjoyed it. Anything you could improve is wording. I'm a blonde, throwing that out there so maybe it's just me being myself. I found it to be bit confusing, I wasn't sure what you were getting at. Dispite that I did enjoy reading your poem. I believe that one thing you did good was being every descriptive. Your lines, each one painted a different picture in my head. It was amazing!
Have a great evening :3
HI. It's okay. You don't have to say you're blonde. Everyone would not get this. Including me. I mean, uh, I made this poem as a reference to 'tsundere'. You can look it up. Or not. Just that, my point here is, it is confusing, and not because you're blonde. It's because it is, and I'm a terrible writer. xD (And partly because I lost my voice)
Thank you :3 Happy Writing