Potato

Hey MemoryHunter!!

This is Eros here to write a review on your sweet poem!!!

I liked the style of expressing your feelings. It has a sweet meaning and is written very beautifully. I particularly liked the very first stanza:

Underneath this cherry blossom tree,

I saw every inch of you

not bothering to listen

to the words my mouth drew

This will be my love life in the future.


but anyways I seriously love this xD

Hello!

My name is Aley and I'm here to give you a review. Happy Winter <3

First off, I'd like to give you a couple links that might help get the formatting down because I can see that you've got the lines spaced like each line is a stanza, and I doubt that's the case considering you have periods in randomly. So without further ado, here is a link to how to fix that: How to Format Poetry and if one of these methods doesn't make sense, there are more links at the bottom to more ways to fix that.

Now that we have that out of the way, I can begin the review.

I think you've actually done a really solid job getting the poem to rhyme smoothly and transition well from one line to another. I like that you keep us in suspense about the title until the very end of the poem. I found myself continuing to read just to see how potatoes had anything to do with romance. That's really clean and well done.

You do have a couple places where your rhymes are jolting, or seem incomplete. I'll point those out to you now and give you a couple more resources to help provide extra tips and tricks if you feel like it.

The first place is actually pretty close to the top. You use "lot" in the same context twice. Using that isn't really rhyming, just repeating yourself. It's jarring because you eased into rhyming so nicely and the sentence isn't even one I'd hear in everyday speech. "I like you a lot, a really really lot" is not a familiar way to say that to me. "I really really like you alot, like, alot alot." maybe, but this is poetry. Unless you're making some sort of huge statement or you have to do it, you shouldn't repeat your words in a poem. It's sort of like having the option of expressing your deepest opinions on a situation and you give the same words the work twice? That doesn't give any new insight and it takes up room in the poem. Poems are all about conservation of space using the smallest amount to say the loudest thing. Instead of saying it was a red car, say it was a hot rod red sport horse. It's more descriptive, but not many more words and then you can use red and car later. At the same time, you do have to balance every day speech into poetry otherwise it's going to turn off the people who you most might wish to invite into the poem.

To clean this up, just change the second line a little bit. Pick a different way to say it which doesn't have such repetitiveness because the repetition is jarring for the poem's natural clear flow and takes the reader out of the poem.

The last place I really saw a problem with rhyme is with "but you didn't though" in the last stanza because "though" after "but" just doesn't really make sense to me. They're both modifying the same thing the same way so it's just that overlap that makes it weird. It would be better to have "but you didn't" and that would give it a bunch of punch, and really cement the loss. However, you have that rhyme and though rhymes nice with potato. So the other option is to take out "but" and just have "you didn't though"

You could break it up into more stanzas if that feels too harsh or too quick and that's why you have the but in there, or you could simply put in a period at the end of "this" to help punctuate that stop, or a comma.

The next thing I'd like to talk about is all of the modifiers in that last stanza and probably other places in the poem too. "But" "though" "because" "I realized as" are all sort of unnecessary phrases. Poems have more punch without them and they sound stabler as writing without them. Modifiers and conjunctions can mess up writing and make it sound trivial, juvenile, or meaningless at times. I say at times, which is a modifier, because you need modifiers when writing essays, but not fiction such as poetry, prose, short stories. When you're writing an essay or a news article, or a review, you have to have exactitudes. When you're writing other things where information may prove you wrong and thus discount your argument, you don't need them. Writing poetry is about writing what's experienced and one person's experience can differ from another's without the first person's experience being invalid, even if the first person wrote from an experience that they never experienced themselves, but just imagined. That's not always the case with more of the non-fiction writing. Because it is the case, take advantage of that and stand your ground. Don't wish wash between things and make short sweet sentences when you want to say something and really have it stick.

When someone's mad at a kid, they don't say "Go to your room because you're being bad and I want you to go think about what you've done because you need to take time to consider where your life is heading and determine if this is the best way for you to pursue your career or you're going to end up as a sewer rat when you're twelve young man!" They say "go to your room." or if they're being really bad they literally could just say "[FULL NAME]." It's short and sweet without room for argument because it's not an argument, it's a command. Here, we're not commanding people, but we're bringing them along for our journey, so there's no need to have ifs ands and buts about it when we're creating the scene for them.

Alright, onto some other links from our Knowledge Base you can use.
These are not things I'm sending you because I think you need to work on them. I'm sending them to you because I think that you might be interested in reading them.

Emotional Poetry
Capitalization in Poetry
Kiss My Assonance - 5 ways to improve your poetry
Rhyme...all the time!
Secret Treasures in Poetic Devices
Poetic Forms: Climbing Rhyme

And of course, here's the index.

Poetry Tutorials Article Index

I hope this helped you at least a little bit.

Let me know if you want to talk ^^

Aley

Hi friend jessiebear here to do a little review on your work.

And I hope my review will help you with your work.

First of I loved the poem it was very relaxing.

But like on the other review I gave you are missing some full stopes like this sentences can have a full stop.


(To embrace me underneath the filtered sunlight)



(the only one who brightened my days)



(who deserves this painful love )


(to the words my mouth drew)

And you cant bout a capital letter in if there were no full stops on the privies line.



But any way that was my advise for your poem.

But the name of the poem was very catchy so good job with that.


So I loved the poem ether whey so fantastic and grate job. And I hope you will keep on weighting because I am looking for word to reading more of your work. And I hope you will let me now when you have posted another poem so I can review it are say what I liked about it for you. And I hope you will keep up the good work.

Any way I hope you have a fantastic day.

From jessiebear your friend.

A very powerful poetry of yours. Starting from the beginning, your words already have my heart and soul. A poetry constructed with a pure heart will never be the same.

So many people living right now can relate to this. Love isn't just love. Love has the power to change things, to change us. People get to love and don't love them back. That's the life of many. Some are moving on, but some sticks to that certain person. How about this, "You'll never get what you wanted if you don't let go of the things that ruin you." It's a powerful message, right? I could really relate myself into this 'cause I've been to this situation already. Actually, I'm feeling it right now. What I do is what I get.

Doing happy stuffs will make me happy. The person I loved, as a friend, as a bestfriend, he's not here. He left me. He changed. He can't love me back again. But you know what, it's okay because life still goes on and there are many ideas to live life to the fullest. Accept the reality. Accept the pain. As your life improves, you'll enjoy it. You'll accept the gift that you wanted. That one person, he's out there, also waiting for you at the right time.

Five stars for this. I got the realization of mine back. I really love this! The way you express your feelings with your thoughts is phenomenal. Keep it up! It will make you a better person someday. Even right now. Friends?