maroon

Ah yes! A fellow prose-poet.

Your poem right here is an excellent example of something that's captivating and interesting. I read heaps of poems on here and a minority are actually captivating but yours is! Well done.

I can't really think of all that many suggestions apart from expanding your vocabulary in terms of colours. When writing poetry, of course as you know, we typically substitute the normal orange, red, purple etc for magenta, crimson, scarlet, cerulean, amber, honey etc.

"The cement floor is stained with the juice of red". Juice of red sounds a bit funny here, either substitute red for a shade of red, or change the word juice.

I particularly liek the line "Until your last breath, think of me in the obsidian of your mind", but to be honest I get contradictions when reading it. It might just be my fatigued state or the way I'm interpreting it.

So so far the cop killed the father, but why should the father think of him in the darkest parts of his mind? And what is the dusty room?

Well done, this was a pleasure to review.
- Tiana

Hello! herbgirl her for a review!
To start, let me just say i REALLY liked this poem. The imagery was very well done, you painted a beautifully gruesome image that i found quite compelling. Imagery is, to me, what really makes a poem, because i feel it can communicate so much with just a few odd words, and can invoke images and feelings that can be hard to get in touch with otherwise. Anyways, fantastic imagery!
Now, while i like this poem very much, i feel as if the format subtracted something from it. Writing this as a paragraph poem seemed, to me, to be rather pointless, and i feel as if you could add more to this poem by changing it to a free verse style. In that format, you could use line breaks to cause the reader to pause and ponder, or to help the imagery. If you want more of an explanation on how to do this, please let me know, i'd be happy to explain it further.
Secondly, i felt that at a few times the poem was a little bit confusing. Personally, i feel as if this could be cleared up by adding line breaks and changing the formatting of the poem, but otherwise, some parts may need a little clarification. The second and third lines threw me off, mainly. Does the floor smell like the flies coming out of his touch? The fifth line also confused me. Is this a sort of flashback, or is the father being shot again? This could use a bit more explaining, or you could rearrange where you include the line in the poem, which might help the poem move in a more chronological order, and therefore be clearer.
Anyways, good job with this poem! i really liked it as it is, so if you feel all my suggestions were unnecessary, feel free to ignore them! Keep up the good work, and i look forward to reading future works of yours.

hi there,
When I first came across this poem, I thought it must be another piece of fantasy writing or about Christmas celebration but it was totally different.
I loved your poem but it could have been more descriptive
While reading your poem I was imagining like I am watching series of prison break :p
In a brief , your work is good, keep writing
Have a wonderful holidays