sometimes i hear voices in my head whisper
ever so slightly, and wreck havoc.
sometimes i hear them talk about me -
they have faces, too, and all i see in them is obsidian
black. they tell me my words are pointless,
and strangle my chest, laughing at how i can't
stop them.
sometimes i talk to them too, just to defend myself,
and they'll tell mom and dad -
they'll say i'm insane,
they say that the demons aren't real,
they'll say that the voices aren't real.
i'll squeeze my mind and tear it apart,
but i'll still faintly
hear their echoes somewhere -
somewhere beneath my self where i can't
reach them.
sometimes, i grow up, and they leave.
but sometimes, i know -
they're still there, simply
waiting.
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139,023 Literary Works • 672,398 Reviews
Hi! herbgirl here for a review!
So, I'd like to start out by saying this poem and interesting format which I must admit I am a fan of. It's different, which helped draw me in. I also liked how you wrote about this person, this topic. It was very poetic, and I could easily picture the scenes you were painting.
First, in the second line of the first stanza, I think you mean "wreak havoc" instead of "wreck havoc." Just a little mistake, simple fix. Also in the first stanza, you say "strangle my chest." This didn't make sense to me. Strangle generally means to choke or squeeze someones neck with the intention of killing them. I suggest using a different word, perhaps "constrict," or something similar.
In the second stanza, I must admit I was vaguely confused when you said "they'll tell mom and dad." Who is "they"? The voices? I thought the voices were just in your head! I think it would be good if you made this point a little bit clearer.
Finally, in the last stanza you said "sometimes, i grow up." This statement didn't make much sense to me, although I can sort of understand what you're saying, like the person sometimes realizes that this is silly, the voices mean nothing, I don't have to take this, and the voices go away. But the expression is still kind of strange.
Anyways, despite my criticisms, I really liked this poem! I thought it was well thought out and communicated your ideas well!
Thanks for the read,
herbgirl
Thanks for your review!
This is a fine piece of writing.
I will admit to coming into this skeptical. Hearing voices is a common motif for those who don't know what they're doing and think it's edgy and cool, which annoys me for personal reasons.
The line that elevates this poem above dollar-store angst is the second line of the second stanza - 'they'll tell' - wherein the voices move from a metaphor to taking over the voice of the narrator in real life situations.
I really enjoy the timing of the line breaks in the first stanza. Each break feels deliberate and do better than just space things out - some of the breaks lend new meaning to the word, which is exactly how good poetry should work! Putting 'stop them.' on a line of its own is probably my favorite touch.
The titular steel rods seem to be a reference to prison - the prison of the narrator's mind. I like that.
'i grow up' changes the meaning of the rest of the work there in a way I'm not sure it's meant to. The previous two stanzas implied that the voices were very real and uncontrollable, but the grow up quip regulates the madness back to something that the narrator does indeed have control of.
Thank you for your review! I guess I just do things unconsciously. I didn't even realize how deliberate the line breaks were in the first stanza. Which makes them not deliberate. ooOOOoooO wat.
Forgive me for being angst-y-ish-ly edgy. #toocoolforschool
I'll go now.
Wooo, magical line break meaning~! Just because you didn't mean to put them there doesn't mean they're not there!
I did really like this poem, in fact, haha. I think you did well with your edgelord topic, which is nice, because it's not done well that often. Did that not come across? Oops.
ooooooo edgelord topic. I like that phrase. *^*
welp, thank you for liking this poem, though it is of edgelord essence.
Hello there, MemoryHunter!!
This is Eros here to write you a review!!
Let us start with the title. The title is very catchy, captivating and attractive. These are all the characteristics of a good title.
The next thing is the theme and the main idea which forms the basis of the poem. I liked the theme. It is unique. It has a deep meaning. It was a little hard to understand when I read it for the first time. But when I re-read it the second time, I got to know what it wants to say. The voices inside the heart speaks to the narrator and the narrator talks with them too. The narrator has the fear that they would tell the parents that the narrator is insane.
But as the narrator grows, he sometimes forgets them, but still knows that they are there somewhere in deepest core of his own self.
Forgive me, if I misunderstood anything.
Wonderful imagery. Beautiful theme. I liked the choice of set of the words you have used. I liked how the poem flows. The stanzas are well linked with each other. Nice poem, dude! Overall great work.
Keep writing...
Never cease...
Because we all love to keep reading such unique and UNIQUE works like this one!
Have a great day/night!