Young Writers Society

Hey Madwriter7~

I really enjoyed this poem. It had a very ethereal feel to it, but I feel like this felt more like a song to me. I can imagine it being sung, with the repeated chorus. And although I know it's not really pertinent to the review, I think this feels like it could fit very well into the genre of folk, if it were to be made a song.

There were a few things that I'd like to comment on specifically!

See the birds in the sky,

flutter away...

For some reason I feel as if the word "flutter" doesn't fit very well. While it goes well with the theme of the poem, it just give me a mental image of butterflies instead of birds. /shrugs/ I don't know though, it's just an association I have with the word I guess, because it's by no means used incorrectly.

Let's see the world past the limits.

Painted from the rarest of colors.

Let's see the world past *its* limits, perhaps? And maybe make these two lines one sentence by making the period after "limits" a comma? I feel like it would flow better.

We can meet all sorts of creatures,

like mermaids, fairies, or trolls

Just a note on punctuation, heh. I would end this phrase with a period.

Great job on your poem! I'd love to know if you thought of any melodies when writing this, as I did when I read it.

Hey MadWriter!
This is such a nice poem. I do have a few things to suggest, however, but you don't have to take any of them.

Feel the sun kiss my cheeks,

Do you want this to be "I feel"? When you just say 'feel', it's acting as a command like the word 'see' later in the stanza... Except that using that to tell someone, "feel the sun kiss my cheeks" seems rather odd. I'm not sure what you want to do with that.

Let's see the world past the limits.

Painted from the rarest of colors.

Where we can run with the herds,

and dance with the trees.

I feel like one wouldn't normally want to see the world past the limits- rather, they want to go past the limits. Maybe you could make that more action oriented? Also, the second line seems a bit detached from the other lines there. Maybe you could change it slightly, "Where life is painter from the rarest of colors", which would connect it to the last line and show us what's painted. Also, I know herds is referring to animals, but it sounds a little odd that way. Maybe you could make it a specific animal, i.e., run with the antelope, or maybe you can just use animals.

We can meet all sorts of creatures,

like fairies or trolls.

I like the first line here, but I feel like the second one cuts it short a bit, ending whatever we may have imagined as readers. If you wanted, you could say something more like, "beyond anything we've imagined" or "like fairies or trolls, things we'll never see again."

Overall, this is really nice, and it has a bit of a floating feeling to it. In general, I feel like you could go into it and use some more imagery and interesting language to make it seem much more whimsical. I like using color to help along the mood I want sometimes, although that doesn't work for everyone. You may not want to do anything, as it's nice as it is right now, but it's an option. Have fun writing!

-Falco