"The Lanturne is a five-line verse shaped like a Japanese lantern with a syllabic pattern of one, two, three, four, one." -Shadow Poetry (just in case you didn't know)
Oh and this isn't one poem. Each one is a different/separate lanturne poem.
Grow
what thought
to be dead
Bring life to the
dark
She
is a
spring flower
who dances in
wind
He
is a
ocean's wave
gliding through the
day
They
are like
sweet daisy
fields, attracting
bees
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Canary word: Present
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Hey, Alice!
I am here for just a few quick thoughts, haha. Lanturnes can't really take much more than that, can they? For me, the grammatical errors in the first two really make it hard for me to enjoy them. For example, write the first one out as prose: "Grow what thought to be dead bring life to the dark". I don't know if it's supposed to be two sentences or what the meaning is supposed to be. What would it be if written as normal prose? Grow what was thought to be dead?? Bringing something back to life? We gotta find a way to make it fit in the form but also make sense. "Whom" is used when it's an object, but there's no verb happening to her in the second.
The third and fourth are nice, though I prefer the third because it's solid and makes for a good personality image. I don't know what people attracting bees would mean in terms of personality, so I can't form an image or a sense, but I do know what gliding through the day like a wave means, and I get a sense of him kind of not caring about what's going on, but always moving forward. The fourth would be nice if I understood what the "bees" were supposed to refer to in reality.
I'll have to try this form as well. It looks fun, and it seems like you had a lot of fun working with them. With anything, I'm sure it takes practice and luck to make a really awesome one like your third. Thanks so much for sharing,
Hannah
Hi AliceAfternoon, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
Title: The title really bothers me when it comes to this poem. You poem was absolutely beautiful, but the title is boring and unattractive. I'd suggest strongly to change it to something that will invite people in to read you wonderful poem.
Theme: I really like this lantern theme you have going. I could see the lanterns in the poem's layout and the whole thing was rather sweet.
Rhythm: The rhythm in your poem was surprisingly good. Normally none rhyming poems don't have great rhythm, but yours was really good.
Description: The description in your poem was great. The best parts had to be the second and third stanzas. The way you used the dancing spring flower and the gliding ocean wave, it put some great pictures in my head. I do agree with Rydia about gliding not being the right word. I do have a suggestion though. Maybe instead of
You could have
Or
Grammar and punctuation: Just what Rydia said.
Overall this was a sweet poem and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your Friend, Felistia.
Thanks. The title is called lanturne poems because this is not one poem. Each 'stanza' is a different lanturne poem. I thought people would understand that because I see people post multiple haikus in one post.
This is really cute!
Stanza 1: I like the end and beginning of the poem but I'm a little unsure about the use of 'what' because it's so vague and doesn't give any indication of whether we're talking about people or plants or other things. If we're talking about people, for example, it could be 'those thought/ to be dead' or if we're talking about objects it could be 'things'. Maybe you wanted to go with the vagueness to cover everything but I think readers could find a story in it more easily if it was just a little more specific. I like the life and death contrast though and I like the Grow at the start against the dark at the end.
Stanza 2: The whom feels out of place and pretentious and this one's not as interesting to me because 'dances in the wind' has become very cliche. It would be more interesting if it was something like 'who dances in/ steel' because then wed have the contrast of natural and man made and of delicate and strong.
Stanza 3: This should be 'an' ocean's wave and I'm not sure gliding is the right word. Waves don't really glide, or at least when I think of a single wave, I think of the big ones which sweep up everything in their path and then crash.
Stanza 4: This last one's really cute!
Overall
I think you've got a good focus in each stanza and they flow together nicely while also being self contained so good work there.
Thanks for sharing!
~Heather
Thanks! This wasn't one poem. They were each a separate lanturne poem.
Ah, with lanturne poems I've often seen them strung together like this to form one long poem because they're like the strings of Japanese lanterns you get
Oh okay