let the summer breeze blow,
and fill our lungs with salt and sea.
and when that summer breeze fails to come,
we will solemnly turn to leave.
my soul will weep, in remembrance
of a woman I met of beauty.
a woman whom I had to betray unlawfully,
but my heart remains her legacy.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Ahh women and poems they are the perfect match. So here's my review of the poem.
I think that this poem is great and if you say that this poem is related to a novel of yours then i will definitely read it because the poem sets the sad tone straight from the beginning that and i like how you gave it that ocean touch it really brings out the motion in your work the last part of your poem but what really bugs me is that even though this poem is accurate if you intended to make it a sad poem you leave too much out a little more of the characters would've made this even better than it already is. It is Brilliantly written and it has the potential to be even better you just need to put in a little more of an effort. Anyways Keep up the good work and never let anything get in your path to success. Good Luck
Thank you
My novel is on YWS, it's called Elodie Bones if you are interested.
This is an amazing poem.. I have some advice tho.
If this poem is for a novel that you are writing I might make it a tad bit longer. Maybe in the point in the novel where the poem is going to be located.I might describe the woman in more detail and you do need to capitalize your first word. Other than that it is amazing.
I really hope you post your novel on here!
If you do please let me know for I am looking forward to reading it just from what U saw in this poem!
Through this one poem, I can tell that you are a good author and I am surely going to follow you! Have an amazing day and keep writing!
Oh yeah, one more thing! I saw that in your info about the author it said you are 14. I am proud that you are writing a novel at age 14.. I am 14 and I hope to write a novel too.If you are writing a novel at this age I am sure that you do will in the near future
Thank you for this review. And my novel is on YWS: Elodie Bones: Prologue
Hey, Alice.
The first thing I noticed after reading your poem was that your punctuations were off at some place. Here's an example:
The first line shouldn't end with period, and instead should be replaced by none at all. Remember, line breaks are basically a sentence broken into a line, so if you gather the lines...
The second sentence is a fragment instead of a sentence, and should be joined with the first one by erasing the period.
I'm also confused as to how this poem rhyme? I think the only lines in which they're rhyme are the last two lines. Lines before are not rhymed--therefore, are free verse.
I find the poem intriguing. It seems like the persona is with someone, and then he talks about a third person, a woman? What is her connection with the two of them? I find this poem needs more elaboration so that the readers can interpret what's going on--he betrays her, but how, and why? You don't need to directly, obviously tell us, but gives us some hints to let us guess what's going on.
Also, I think the first four lines with the last four lines aren't exactly connected somehow. You talk about 'we' having warm breeze and leaving when the breeze fails to come, and then you talk in another tangent about a woman he remembers and betrays. How are the lines related to each other?
Also, what does 'my heart remains her legacy' means? Legacy means something left by the dead, so how did the woman leave the persona his heart?
Despite what I've said, I understand this poem is constricted by its message due to it being based on a novel's chapter. A poem should be all-rounded in aspects of message, starting and ending, and if you want to base a poem with something, maybe a short story would be better, as it has its own starting and ending and has no dependency to other pieces, unlike a chapter which needs another before it and another after it.
This poem has potential--it's only a matter of developing more and making it more coherent and cohesive. Other than that, keep up the good job!
Thanks for this review
Keep up the good work!!!
writerkitty.
Thanks kitty <3