The smell of dusty books clung to the air,
and the sun shone yellow light in beams.
Marigold peered through the window,
to the courtyard below; there they were.
***
All three of them.
August and his two friends,
a girl with hair like black ink,
a boy with eyes like crystals.
***
They walked along with the breeze.
They laughed, innocent laughter,
and they wore ignorant smiles.
They light a burning furnace inside of her.
***
I just want to be happy,
she whispered to herself.
A simple request but one,
so hard-fought for.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
I like the way you start your story off but there are somethings that I would like to tell you,
and one of those things are that you need to be able to write more than what you are writing
now because if you don't write better now how will you be able to get more stars than what
you have now,but enough with that time to tell you of what I think of your poem.
1.I think that you could add more description to what you are writing because what if a reader
read this and didn't understand it that is when having more description helps.
2.You could write more because the more you write the better you get at doing that one
thing,and if you ask me I think you could have more writing because it is good to challenge
yourself.
3.Also one of the things is that is the more you write the better of a writer you will become
and right now I see that you have 3 star but I think you could have more I am new but I
think that the more you write the better person and writer you will become.
4.I like the way after each stanza you wrote *** because you are continuing it to the next
stanza.
5.One last thing before I go is that you need to keep on with the writing because I think that
the more you write the more stars you get.Also I think that you have a talent for writing
because you have been a member since November of 2015 and also you have been able to
see what other people have wrote.
6.If you are thinking on writing another poem based on this please tell me because I think
you could make another one and more and more people would read what you write and the
more and more experienced you will become.
I don't think you understand how YWS works. The stars are about the amount of reviews and this isn't the beginning chapter to my story. It's the fifth chapter...
I believe in the brotherhood of all men, but I don't believe in wasting brotherhood on anyone who doesn't want to practice it with me. Brotherhood is a two-way street.
—Malcolm X
Hi,
Aww.. I want to hug that girl (in a brotherly way, of course).
I know you're doing a series poem (but not continuously, I presume?) and I had just able to skim the earlier poems (and the sugar parts really come out some tearsly-aww). I feel the mood, the tone is very innocent and true. There is a little part I don't understand though which I will explain in the meat of my review. I feel the theme of this is, yet again, very innocent and true till I cannot find any other apt words to say. While I was browsing this so-called-book-of-poems, I see the format of all of your poems is a bit off. While the previous reviewers might have mentioned it in their review, I don't care. I still want to say this. It is a common, yes, really common. Lemme lead your to a treasure room. I know you're doing Aley's Method 3 (I give up), but please, try use the Method 2 (which I always use when I format my poems.)
Let's go for the meat.
I
The imagery combinations (along with the senses) are very matching. It creates a unique, yet usual taste to it. Personally, I am librarian and I know what "The smell of dusty books" looks like (which I love the smell~). I'm confused about the "Marigold" (although it is no big deal) because sometimes, I think it as a human and sometimes, as a real "Marigold". Because after all, Marigold is flower, right? So you could actually reverse it. Like the Marigold flower (which at the outside) peered through the window. (I know Marigold is the persona of the poem, so don't worry, I was just mentioning possibility.). Back on track, I don't know that "courtyard" is a good word here. It seems coming out of blue (or maybe it is my feeling because I always use the term "courtyard" as a very torturing, hot place for me). Yard seems better though, but I prefer another term.
II
In this part, you don't seem to explain August. Okay, it is acceptable because in this context, I interpret that the persona knows August, so she didn't describe him. While the other two friends are totally unknown to the persona, so she described them. Personally, I like "a boy with eyes like crystals" part because it keeps reminding me my best friend. And I wants to ridicule a bit... I think it is really weird for a girl with two boys (and I know my mind is a little bit sensitive >_<). Please don't mind.
III
A little hint (or rather nitpicking) about the rhymes. I think "breeze" should be "breezes" as it could be ABAB right here which I quite enjoy such form. I'm sorry, but I don't accept the fourth line in this stanza because it seems so long that suddenly. It causes the flow to 'off'. Sure the flow of the fourth line is a little bit off because of the length, I think it is not the main problem. I don't sure, but my stupid-brainy-editor keeps saying it is confusing. Well, back on track, these descriptions are a bit cliche'. Sure, "The ancient took our ideas," but I think you could twist it further, but keeps the mood as it is.
IV
To me, the 't' is "bleh". I don't know, but I would really love to see you omit the "want to be" to "wanna be". It seems more childish and honest. And about the a little part I don't understand in the first big paragraph of my review, this is it: So this girl is sick or something that is sparks a "burning funeral" in her. But why? As I skimmed through the previous poems again, I think the third poem, Made of Sugar, clarifies it in the poem, but not in this poem. Hint at as something to narrow it to that previous poem. And I feel as it is pretty awkward to wrap the request in that whisper. It may be good, but I feel awkwardness.
So that concludes it. My main points here are repair your format, add an unique, unbiased descriptions to make the poem more fresh and clear up my confusion in the last part of the poem.
Keep writing~!
~Memo
I've tried to use method two and it doesn't work :/ I was confused as to why you were confused about Marigold. It's a name and a flower. Also I wouldn't call the courtyard a yard because it's a courtyard. A yard has grass whereas a courtyard has like tiles, cement or something. Another thing is how you commented about a girl with two boys. That is pretty much me and my friends, I don't see how that weird to you... You said that I should change breeze to breezes but my poem isn't a rhyming poem, in fact I never rhyme in any of my poems. My final thought about your review is that you said that you understood that this is a series of poems. Pretty much the way I worked it out, is that it's like a novel written in poems. Each poem is like a chapter which is why I don't explain things I've already explained. There are deeper meanings and story to this collection than just sweet and cute. None the less! Thanks so much for this review, it was super helpful and got me thinking
They were all my perceptions of some words.
)
About the Marigold, I meant you could reverse it. (I'll try to explain it more clearly, although I think I've said that this is not a big deal
There are marigold flowers outside the Marigold's house. In your poem, Marigold (the girl) looked outside. In my perspective, the marigold flowers were looking at Marigold (the girl). Just imagine you could watch the flowers from the window of yours. That was what I meant.
I have read several poem novels before (I was unconsciously reading them while I supposed to put 'em on the shelves) and I know quite a few about how to do a poem novels.
And about the rhyming parts, you just could rhyme them. If you don't like rhyming, well, I do, many do, and many don't. It is because you happened to rhyme it ABCB, it was quite weird thing to do which I thought changing it to ABAB would do well.
It is not a big deal. You're welcomed. XOXO