I want to remember moments like these...
summer nights where the air is thick,
and filled with the sound of cicadas.
I want to remember life like this,
warm feet against cold stone,
pen scribbling against thin paper.
I want to remember the way the moon
reflects in the ripples of the water,
the way the trees create shadows in the sky.
I want to stay there until the sun rises,
shining through the trees, breaking open
the shadows and then,
I'll know that it's a new day.
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Canary word: Present
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139,409 Literary Works • 672,558 Reviews
Somehow this poem gives me a nice, memorable feeling. Which is warm and cute. I like memories, and I like the way you describe one in this piece. I can vividly imagine where the narrator is, what he/she/you see.
There's nothing else I can say, really. You've perceived everything beautifully. One thing I would like to say, though, is that if I wrote this, I wouldn't repeat the word 'trees' twice, especially in the same stanza. But, nobody seems to notice that and think it's a flaw, so it's up to you. Personally, I think another word would suit the second 'tree' word. Perhaps branches? Or other synonyms.
That's all~
Happy Writing~!
AliceAfternoon,
Wow. Just wow. This is a great poem. I love your techniques to paint a picture in my head of what you were seeing. It was great. My only suggestion is that you divide this poem into a few stanzas. I would suggest that you divide it at every "I want to remember..." That's literally my only suggestion. This was a really great poem and it was beautifully written.
Thanks
Absolutely beautiful Alice. One of your best yet.
Really? I don't know haha. Thank you xD
Very beautiful and picturesque. I think it perfectly captures a lazy summer night. The imagery is breathtaking. I know I love seeing the silhouettes of trees on a dusk/dawn sky, and you very clearly captured that.
You could change this period to a comma to make more grammatical sense and fit with the punctuation of the rest of the poem. If this shift in punctuation is intentional and meaningful, by all means keep it. It just seemed off compared to the rest of the punctuation.
Overall, just an amazing poem. Keep writing!
Thank you