i want to leave this place
quite desperately so.
‘suppose i could catch a train?
or a plane? or a car?
a bus could work too...
i want to leave to a place where no one has gone,
perhaps there i won’t have to interact with someone,
fake a smile, and talk about the weather.
i want to go to the trees;
stand underneath them as they tower above.
perhaps there the sky will be blue,
instead of this foggy grey cloud of uncertainty;
and doubt, and guilt, and just all sorts of unpleasantries.
i want to leave and if you’re going...
please.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
I am glad to see that you still continue progressing and getting better and better. I was away for long and I do not know many of the new people so I am happy to see someone I know from the first time I came here as a newbie.
I do not like being negative all over the review so I will try to be as positive as possible (like always). But the title is something that does not catch my eye, maybe it is because it looks like illiterate sentence or because it has no imagery or interesting twist to it. I do not want anyone to think that your work will not deserve to be read by the readers and reviewers because it is a wonderful work that really deserves the read.
You start the poetry with the same sentence the title is. I do not find it negative but I do not know. You want the reader to understand that you want to leave the place you are currently in.
I like that you use different kind of transport to show what the narrator is thinking of a way to leave the place. The thing that is missing at the beginning is the answer of the question why.
I will not say that the lack of capitalization bothers me, I try to accept different styles so I will not point it out as a bad thing. In this situation, or at least for me, it does not change the fact that this work is very beautiful by the fact that you describe the situation and the place by using the weather, sky and more realistic simple things.
I do not find the semi-colon useful in the position it is currently in the work, maybe replace it with something more suitable.
The last thing I want to say is that I do not understand the real meaning of the last line, being one word. What to you mean by please? Do you ask for something?
Anyways, have a good day and keep on writing!
Thanks for the review. The last line is meant to be like that. It's pretty much up to your imagination. It could be please take me with you or please don't come along. The poem is supposed to sound a bit like a one way conversation xD
Oh, I see, so every other reader will see it in a different way. Great way of thinking!
"tittle"
"usefull"
es ist lustig, wie der Kritiker nicht einmal eine der Grundformen des guten Schreibens richtig machen kann
Hey, I'm here to review this piece as requested.
Okay, so the first thing I want to talk about is the title. It's not my habit to critic on the title when I review pieces, but sometimes I do, and for a good reason. The title can be good, or it can be mediocre, or it can be bad. Unfortunately, this one lies under the third category - the bad one. The main reason for this is because the phrase 'i want to leave this place' is too common, if not in prose/poems, in real life. Even I have my instances in which I want to leave the place I am at right now, but it's not something new, so the title doesn't sound catchy or interesting. I suggest finding a more attention-magnet title so that more people would want to read your poem.
Now that is settled, let's go to the context of the poem.
After reading the first two lines, I wonder why the persona wants to leave it. Why is the persona so desperate for it, and I want to read more to get the answer, and well, I'm disappointed. Asking about the means of travel is such a huge transition from the desire portrayed in the first two lines, that I'm left confused. My suggestion is that elaborate on the desire, on the why, and perhaps in that process, describe the place the persona wants to leave. It can give the readers a clearer picture of what the poem is about.
*gasp* Ellipses! My archenemy in poetry! I don't think they're needed here because there's nothing that follows after it (ellipses are made to break a sentence), so replace them with a period or a question (the latter will follow the pattern of asking about the means of travel).
Elaborate more on this. What kind of tree? What kind of place that has trees? Will it cheer the protagonist or lift the protagonist's spirit up? What is the significance of said trees that the protagonist wants to 'stand underneath them as they tower above'? Expand on this idea. Also, the semi-colon is incorrectly used. To fix this, just replace it with a dash.
I like the comparison of blue sky instead of one covered by grey cloud, but I think 'uncertainty' isn't needed here. It makes the line wordy, and readers can interpret the cloud themselves. It's clear that grey cloud is bad while blue sky is good, so readers can guess its meaning.
This ending has the potential to be powerful but the vague, incomplete last line doesn't deliver it. 'please'? Please don't? Please come with? Please what? Ambiguous ending can be done well, but it doesn't have a place in this poem. I want some closure. Perhaps the protagonist wants to go to a place with no one, but at the end admits the protagonist needs someone to accompany them. Maybe that can be the clear ending this poem needs. Either way, clarify. Give me an imagery, or a strong statement. Something for me to finish read this with an 'ah, that was nice'. Because right now it's 'uh... what?'.
And that is all! The idea itself is interesting, but it has to be expanded and given more clarity, which might allow for some stanza-making. All in all, keep up the good job!
Thanks for your review!
"It's not my habit to critic"
"my habit to critic"
"to critic"
"critic"
*critique
(*flies away*)
what?
Don't worry, the fly just struck again. xD
I do not get it.. we have a person to correct us already?
just being a bit of grammar nazi
It would look funny if the critic who talks about the more advanced stuff like writing style and storytelling when they can't even get get one of the most simple forms of good writing right.
just food for thought kek
I screwed up the sentence construction by accident
now I look funny
great poem
what i like most is it tells about the facade we have to put up when we are living in a society.