I am the marmalade that you
so carelessly spread across whichever bread pleases you.
I am the tea bag, drowning beneath the waves of water,
suffocating, craving air or at least something.
You used to taste so sweet on my palate,
that has become an empty ballroom,
the flavors dancers now dressed in mourners’ garbs,
with tear stained faces and shaking hands.
You used to be like soft butter,
melting warm in the morning sun.
I remember waking up to you;
soft giggles, droopy eyes,
toes peeking through the ends of the sheets.
We used to be like syrup.
You hold the pitcher of time,
memories dripping into the basin of eternity
with the lethargy of molasses.
But the minutes stretched into days,
weak threads for the quilt work of infinity.
My heart was a kitchen, the table,
prettily set with you at its head,
but now you're gone,
and the clock perched on the wall ticks to your absence,
a sound that echoes in the empty auditorium of my chest.
And even the ribbons of sunlight peeking through
the blinds cannot vanish the shadows you left.
I sit at the table everyday with the ghost of memories staring blankly at me.
Even as the framework of my life crumbled when you left,
as a creature of habit,
I cling to the nuance of my morning cup of tea
and the empty chair before me.
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139,408 Literary Works • 672,554 Reviews
Sleep deprived Cello here to review~
I'm not one for introductions. Let's just get to it.
Okay so jumping around here let me say that by the end of the poem it seemed that the person who treated you poorly was gone. At the beginning here, you're speaking in present tense. Do you see my problem? If this person is gone an done treating you poorly, then this first paragraph needs to be in past tense. If they're still around then either I've read something wrong or you're written something wrong. Wait, check this out-
Yep, they're gone. I think the first paragraph would do much better in past tense.
UPDATE: I just chatted with a friend about this and they disagree with my stance but I'm still going to hold my view proudly. Tenses bother me if they don't correlate. I get that you may be going for a sort of artistic style with this switch but using tenses to create a style really doesn't work for me.
Another thing that really bothers me about the first paragraph is the last part of the last sentence. 'or at least something' I would say that I don't know why I hate the word 'something' so much but that would be a lie. I know perfectly well why I hate it. When you use something without further descriptors you leave far too much up to the reader and you sound unsure of your own stance. If you were to say "I smelled something sweet" then that's fine. You described the smell, just couldn't pin point it. "I smelled something." This is just a fact and it adds nothing. Now of course you're not talking about sent in this poem. That was just an example. Still, though the problem isn't identical, in my view it's similar. You say you're craving 'something'. It's just too general. Are you craving more water to drown under? We'll never know. I know that you're a clever writer so I'm sure you'll think of another thing to crave (A glimpse of light? A promise of soon to come breath?).
Okay just some nitpicking here.
There should be a 'now' after 'had' in the second line. You're talking about past and present so every adverb talking about time can only help you. Sometimes with poetry, or writing in general, more words are better.
'Flavors dancers' just isn't doing it for me. It's just a bit confusing. Maybe 'flavor's dancers' as in the dancers that belong to each flavor or 'flavored dancers' as in dancers that bring flavor. Maybe even 'flavor dancers'. I just don't know what you're trying to say.
I liked the last line of this stanza though. It had some good imagery and emotion to it.
More nitpicking- sorry not sorry. 'Droopy eyes' doesn't bring a pleasant image to mind for me and I'm sure it had the same effect on other readers too. You're trying to write about bright, happy mornings, but 'droopy eyes' just makes me think of tired people. Actually, no, it makes me think of Goob from Meet the Robinson. (Strangely enough, I haven't seen that movie in years and this is the second time today I've thought of that character)
I would also like to mention that you started up a way of writing that I expected to turn into a pattern. In the last paragraph you contrasted the past with the present, the good and the bad. It was a good set up. Then you came to this paragraph and ditched that layout all together. Not only was I distracted by the change to the format I was expecting but I feel like this stanza could have been far stronger with some contrast.
I was going to talk to you about the pattern of past and present for this stanza too but honestly I'm a little confused. It's hard to tell if you're talking negativity or positively. I initially read it as a good thing but then I saw the word 'but' which leads me to think that something is bad. Again, I'm low on sleep, so maybe I'm overlooking the obvious, but I feel enough confidence in my confusion that I'm putting it into this review. I mean, if I'm willing to publicly admit my confusion, I must have be reasonably confused, right? (I don't know where I was going with that last sentence- I knew I had a plan for it but rereading I see it doesn't make a lot of sense)
'Prettily', really? I'm sorry but there are so many great adjectives you could use to describe the table. Prettily is not the best one, that's for sure. Elegantly, fetchingly, attractively, charmingly, perfectly. Take your pick there are hundreds to choose from.
Throughout this stanza (and the entire poem) you tend to use kitchen/food metaphors. In the middle of this stanza you jump to an auditorium before quickly returning to the image of a little kitchen with nice little windows and blinds. It really jumped out at me and it poetry you have to be selective at what jumps out at the reader. I doubt you want my focus on the word auditorium.
A final nitpick before I go. 'Even as' would sound far better as 'even though'.
Hope I helped
-ChocolateCello
Hi there! Gymnast2801 here with a review for Team Weasely!
I know that this isn't what you would expect from the beginning of a review, but I will add my thoughts at the end of this review because I will be correcting as I read.
"so carelessly spread across whichever bread pleases you."
This is just personal preference but I feel like 'you please' would fit this sentence better than 'pleases you'.
"suffocating, craving air or at least something."
I feel like you could improve your grammar in the end of this verse. 'at least something.' Doesn't sound very nice for a poem with graceful words.
"the flavors dancers now dressed in mourners' garbs,"
Okay, this verse is sort of crazy. I really don't know what you where trying to say with this verse so I can't help you much here other than by pointing out that it needs to be fixed.
Okay, I REALLY loved the rest of this poem!! The description and the way you wrote is just wonderful! I can tell how this man feels and why he feels as he does and this poem was really wonderful! I very much enjoyed this and I think I will like it because it was so wonderful!
Keep on writing!
-Gymnast2801 for Team Weasely.
Thanks
Hi AliceAfternoon, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day and happy review day.
Theme: I like that there was a food theme going through out this poem. It really made an everyday lover lost sort of poem interesting for me.
Description: As I said the food theme is great and adds flavour to the poem. You expressed the emotions though the food, which sounds rather weird when I write it down, but that's what you did. You used very strong words to get the message across such as suffocating, craving, mourners’ garbs, This brought character to your poem.
Grammar and Punctuation: As far as grammar and punctuation goes, I think it was perfect.
Rhythm: There was rhythm to the poem, but not in the terms of a rhyme scheme. I don't exactly know how, but your poem flowed really smoothly for me even though the lines were uneven and there wasn't even the slightest rhyming scheme.
Overall it was a great poem and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
Thanks!
I am very impressed. Most wouldn't use morning food or tea to describe what it felt like when someone left. Your creativity surpasses mine in the aspect. Whenever I got to the end, I let out a big "wow". I congratulate you on your amazing and original poetry.
Thank you!
It's 1AM in the morning, I'm absolutely destroyed, and I see another great-looking piece that's still in the Green Room. It doesn't deserve to be there any longer. You owe me for this.
Disclaimer: Take everything I say with a grain of salt, no matter how harsh or flattering. I'm serious, it's actually 2AM and I'm really tired.
anyways, what's up, YWSnation. I'm your roast, Miller Memestar. Let's geeeeeeeet rooooooiiiiight into the news!
At first it seems there's not rhyme scheme, nor is there a concrete syllable scheme, so that's a bit of a turnoff.
First stanza. Both sets of lines are very picturesque and detailed on their own, but it seems there's a conflict between both of them. First set (the first two lines) mentions that person you're talking to, but it seems like he's suddenly disappeared in the next two. The first two lines are very nice and I can just imagine it, but the second just seems vague and faraway and foreign without the presence of that guy your persona is talking to. Or maybe it's just the persona expressing her longing for him, but even so, the transition from a happy tone to a much darker one is too much in this one stanza.
Then he reappears in the second stanza. I get your idea that "he" was all that was in her palate, and now that he's gone, it's an empty ballroom now. I like that figurative language a lot. Though when the dancers come in, these two lines can be contradicted hard. If it is an empty ballroom, how come there are still flavors dancing in it? Also, "shaking hands" isn't really the best way to phrase it. Shaking hands is often associated with handshakes, and this is obviously not what you're trying to go for. Maybe "trembling hands" is a better alternative?
Third stanza. I appreciate the figure of speech in the first two lines, but it's still very vague. Though you explained the "soft butter" part, the explanation is very vague as well. It's like a dictionary defining a word you don't know with another word you don't know. The next three lines make up for it though; it describes it in a very lovely way, and it's easy to imagine. Props to you for that. *clappity*
Fourth stanza. More baking references. At this point I'm thinking your main character is a cook, or a baker, more specifically. Or at least they're knowledgable in the culinary arts. Just a problem with the syrup though. It mentions that "we used to be like syrup," instead of "I used to be like syrup," or "you used to be like syrup." It kind of complicates things. On one hand, how can syrup "hold the pitcher of time and let memories drip into the basin of eternity?" Or another perspective, the "our" is referring to memories of the MC and her lover. It's not bad to allow multiple interpretations of the poem, but it gets bad if the interpretations are contradicting.
Still at the fourth stanza. I find the reference to molasses quite unnecessary and contradicting. If you're referring to the molasses as sweet memories, I don't think "lethargy" is a very good word to go along with it. You see, "lethargy" is a very negative and unenthusiastic word, in contrast to the very happy and sweet memories. I understand that this reference to molasses is like, for style points, to reveal more about our main character. I like this addition, even if it is contradicting.
Still at the fourth stanza. Now, we're moving on to embroidery. Or tailoring. Or sewing. Or quilt making? I dunno. I like this metaphor, that the threads of time are stretched and stretched until it became weaker for the quilt of infinity. But then again, synergy issues. I don't see how it is related to the first three lines that talk about sweet memories that will last forever. It just goes from "oh, these memories will last forever" to "oh, life is getting more uneventful without him." Or maybe I'm just getting sleepy.
Fifth stanza. Now, you're going to multiple places at once. Itineraries: a kitchen, a table, an empty auditorium, and a room with blinds. That's a lot.
There are issues with the first and second line of the fifth stanza. First, make up your mind! Is your heart the kitchen, or the table? Also, it seems like the kitchen is so unnecessary, because it doesn't make a reappearance in the next lines at all. This took me a while to figure out that your heart was actually the table. It could confuse newer readers.
Still at the fifth. Alright, the clock is actually quite good. It makes sense: dining tables often have a clock nearby. But then, we're going from a table to a big auditorium. Note that there is a transitional device in here. And then we're suddenly going to a dark room illuminated only by sunlight peeking through blinds. Now, note that there is no transition from this auditorium to the dark room at all. I get this imagery. It's very lovely, actually. But this imagery takes me to too many places at once, too fast, and quite frankly, it's very nauseating.
Sixth and last stanza. I feel that your character is a baker/cook, and you reference baking stuff all throughout this poem, but it seems to fall apart here to a morning cup of tea. After all this unique and clever baking stuff, you end with morning tea/coffee, a generic setting. I don't like it. Or maybe it's just a symbolism that the main character's desire to bake faded away when he passed away. It doesn't seem intentional though.
Still at the last stanza. The third and fourth line contradict themselves. Nuance. Noun. A very small difference in color, tone, meaning, etc. If she is a creature of habit, then why is she hanging on to this? As a creature of habit, shouldn't she be clinging to what she's used to?
Still on the last stanza. I find a contradiction between the first and last line. When we say ghost of memories, does it mean that the memories have faded away? Then if so, why is she clinging on to the empty chair? I'm actually not so sure about this, since I'm really sleepy.
Overall, this poem enchants and entices newer readers with its very flowery vocabulary and clever imagery and figures of speech. Upon deeper analysis, however, this poem has a lot of synergy issues, contradictions, and transitional issues, and many other seams. Sometimes, it even gets so vague the readers don't really even know what it means, and without analyzing, they just get attracted by the flowery writing style and think it's cool.
Hopefully this review has helped you out in some way. I just feel that people easily get enticed by flowery words these days, even the authors themselves, and I feel that I have to point out some faults to keep everyone grounded.
Anyways, it's 3AM in the morning, and I'm really sleepy. I spent three hours on this review. You really do owe me for this.