There is a bouquet of flowers in my room.
Their vibrant colors illuminate the day,
reflecting the smile on my face and the skip in my walk.
But overtime, and over countless sleepless nights
their color fades away and the flower heads droop,
reflecting the deadness of my mind and
my tear stained cheeks like a water damaged ceiling.
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This was a very interesting piece. There wasn't much elaboration, which leaves a lot of interpretation up to the reader. In my mind, I saw the flowers as a symbol for love. So when the love started fading and losing it's beauty, it left the one in the writing itself an emotional wreck and hard inside. It could also represent happiness, and how happiness is merely a temporary state and it loses it's color as well over time. It's a very beautiful piece with a lot of room for interpretation, allowing others to come up with scenarios for it themselves.
oh this is a good short one and it like every sad scene in a movie too lol.the emotion you feel tied to the flowers of what once a symbol of happiness.It now shows the gateway of the darkness that taken ahold of you and the details you put on this.bottom line it is amazing
Thank you
Hey Alice! clogs here to review!
Oooh, this is such a lovely poem. I like the simplicity of it. A few suggestions, though:
This applies to the other line where you used "reflecting", too: I feel like this is kind of too much of an obvious way to get your message across. It feels rather heavy handed to me, like you're saying, "look! this is what the poem is about! there's a metaphor here!" to the readers. I don't really think you need to do that. Trust me, the readers are usually smart enough to read metaphors on their own. I recommend trying to find a way to connect the flowers to the narrator's actions without blatantly stating that you're doing so. I'm not sure if that makes a lot of sense, so feel free to ask if you have questions!
This is more of a visual thing: Both of these lines start with a different form of "there". When I look at this, I kind of get them confused and think that you're starting the first line with the wrong "there", but you're really not. It might just be me, but you could consider changing that. Idk it's such a small thing and it's probably just because of my muddled brain, but it's just something to maaaybe think about.
I feel like "deadness" is a weird word to use here- it makes me think that you're brain-dead or something. Maybe try "dullness" or something along those lines? Well, not definitely not "dullness", but maybe just something more fitting than what's there.
Also, the phrasing here is kind of weird. I think that the "like a water damaged ceiling" is meant to refer to the "tear stained cheeks", but the way you've phrased this, it ends up referring to the "reflecting". If you take out the predicate of "reflecting", then this sentence looks like this:
So the way this reads, it sounds like the reflecting is happening like a water-damaged ceiling, and I'm sure that's not what you meant. I think you should play around with this phrases to find something that works out a little better.
One more thing: I think that "tear-stained" and "water-damaged" should be hyphenated.
There's not a whole whole lot of imagery in this, but I think it's meant to be that way: short and simple. You've made good use of the few words you used. Nothing feels like it's excessive or rambly, so good job.
Overall, I liked this poem a lot! Hope this review was helpful, and keep up the great work!
Thank you!
Hey so I thought, "Who should I review for my first review EVER?"
And then I thought, "Why not the person that showed me this wonderful place in the first place!"
So, I can't tell you how much I appreciate poetry with super powerful meanings. This poem, from what I can tell, is filled with emotion and powerful meaning.
I think my favorite part of the poem was the ending.
"my tear stained cheeks like a water damaged ceiling"
I absolutely LOVE the simile here!
The overall use of figurative language, such as the strong imagery really makes this poem look and feel stronger! Keep up the good work and thanks for showing me around! (Sorry if this review is short, still getting the hang of things.)
<3
Thanks so much! Great review
Thanks so much! Great review
Thanks so much! Great review
Hey! I've decided you are worthy for my 250th review. So here's a quick poem!
I'm going to go through the technical aspect first before talking about the poem's overall.
Right, so I'd suggest you to stick with one. Bright and vibrant is close in meaning in this context, and putting them both together makes it a tad repetitive. Another adjective, perhaps?
I understand the flowers reflecting the smile on the persona's face... but walk? The skip in her walk would be reflected by other things, although brilliant colours don't seem to quite align with that. I'm not sure how to put it, but the skip of a walk is more to an action, which means something else that represents it should be an action.
Overtime and over countless sleepless nights are close in meaning in that they both show the current of time. I would cut 'overtime' and go straight with nights because the meaning remains the same, and the poem is tighter because of the shortened line.
Alright, first, tense inconsistency. The first three lines are in present tense, while these are in past tense. Stick to one tense unless you're talking about a flashback, which is not the case here. Also, it's 'tear-stained cheeks and 'water-damaged ceiling' although I would suggest to keep those two phrases match in the number of syllables? Because right now, it seems quite a mouthful to say 'water-damaged ceiling' after 'tear-stained cheeks'.
Overall, this poem is clear in its meaning, despite the similes. I like it really because it's easy to follow, but I would definitely like it if it's expanded. As it is, it talks about something on the surface without exploring deeper. Why is the persona's smiling? Why is she crying? If given context to these situations, a reader can relate to this even more. Right now, the imagery seems to be something observed objectively without a deeper meaning to it.
And that is all! Keep up the good job!
Thank you. Sometimes I don't like to go really deep in my poems. Sometimes I feel like I've said enough.