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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
I feel like I can really relate to this... thank you for writing it.
No problem
You seem to be liking my old work 
I really enjoyed the "Secrets" poem and was curious to see what other poems you had written. All very nice.
Thank you
My most recent work in my portfolio folder: I've planted a seed
Yolo peoples!!!!! LadyRanicorn here for another amazing review!!!!! First off, I LOVE the topic that you used!! Craziness, insanity, diffidently a good topic... So much like me XD!!!! I enjoyed how you put what I believe may be what her mother said before her daughter was taken away to some crazy house. This really helps the reader see that her mother didn't want her to be taken away. I liked how you made an example to the girl as a portrait and her mind the frame. Something that you could add on to this poem is like how she developed the crazy state of mind, like a loss in her family or just a disorder or something like that. I may not know a whole lot of poetry, but I do know a well thought out work when I see one. So, until next time, LadyRanicorn out!!!!!!!
Thanks for this review. Though, I don't remember saying the narrator was her mother... xD
I assumed that...
Hi,
It is a good metaphor. Really. So let's go into the meats, shall we? :3
I
A blunt expressive language here is very match with the poem. It makes the poem more honest and real in a way. But I just feel it was really plain and monochrome. I bet you know the 'don't tell, but show' method, aye? Well, at the end you show us a very wonderful metaphor, but before that, I feel it just so much telling. Pretty and smart doesn't conjure up many bright pictures. Or even perfect. I don't know the words there would make a good example here. I don't really like the third line, "the frame that was holding that..." because of... Hmmm... Yes! The awkward repetition of that over there. As I said in my previous review, t is not a very nice thing to pronounce sometime. Therefore, repeating for t there are like...tut...tut..tut.. Awkward.
II
"is she well enough in the brain?", I love the idea here. But using in there, or the sentence itself, isn't strong enough. It could cause several confusion (as it did to me when I read it). If you intended to make a rhyme scene poem, I don't think ABCB is good. And why the comma over there in the third line in this stanza? It is grammar-ly incorrect. I understand the lack of colors in your poem as this is a narrative poem, but I, myself, don't like to watch a black and white television.
III
I feel a bit crossing-needed for the second line in this. The sentence structure--the way the words being put in the sentence--is hard to follow--the flow isn't right there. And again, the comma isn't necessary. Care to clarify the third and fourth line in this stanza for me becoz' I don't understand.
IV
I'm starting to understand why you put the wrong-comma all over there. You're thinking of rhyming. Frankly, even you don't put the comma, people would know what to do--and that's why I call the comma, unnecessary. Plus, if you want to keep a punctuation there, why don't study the usage of dash or em dash or whatever it is. It could be a big helper--or even a magic in poems as Emily Dickinson did. And the part I am truly disagree is the last line. You made the speaker (or the narrator of this story [which is supposedly to be silent]) shows its feeling. It may be good, but it is a dangerous thing to do. The silent silenced because of a reason, and I don't know, if you break the silent, what will happen.
Now we are going to plot since, as you said in one of your replies to my past reviews, this is a poem novel which a poem worth a chapter. So, the story had been sad and tear-y, but in a way, sweet as sugar. I'm very agreed with the book title. It means a lot in a good way. I expect the next poem would be the climax, or it this is the climax? because I could feel there is a suspension in the end of the poem as it could be one.
Well, keep writing~!
~Memo
Thanks for the review
I think this is my favorite out of all of them so far.
I really, really loved the rhyming and the way it ended. :3
Aw thanks
Aliceafternoon,
For a first time doing a poem with rhyme, this is pretty good. There are a few things that you may want to fix such as in the second line of your last stanza I think the was is supposed to be what otherwise it doesn't make sense. The word reign in the second stanza doesn't quite work even though it rhymes. Something you might be able to substitute in for that line could be "knew her life was going down the drain". That's just one of many possibilities and if you need help finding rhyming words or words that mean a certain thing if you go to www.wordhippo.com it helps so much for so many different things. Another thing that helps is reading the poem out loud a few times to see what doesn't quite sound right or any mistakes you may have.
Overall, this poem has deep meaning without having too dark of a tone to it upfront. This makes it interesting because the content is totally different from what you perceive from the tone of it. This is a wonderful style of writing and i look for to see if you do anything else! The more you write, the better you get!
Thanks for this review! It's actually the seven poem of a collection I'm writing.
Wow, that was amazing. I was going to try and write a review...but there is nothing here that would change.....
my favorite part/parts:
In other words, I loved it all. Great, no, simply wonderfully amazingly perfect.
Awww thanks so much! This means a lot. It's actually the near ending poem of my collection
so *cough* *mumbles* if you love it that much you can read the rest of the collection... xD You don't have to do anything! This was really flattering! Thanks you!
NO problem