Honey Balm [Sugar Sweet Tears #6]

Hi,

Like the previous reviewers had stated, I am loving this. I'm going fast and into the meat.

I

I had a dream, and in that dream

his lips tasted sweet like honey balm.

I surely love the repetition, the rhyme, and the internal rhyme. They flow very accurately to a satisfying level. I was very satisfied about the 8 syllables each lines which created an internal rhyme for each 4 syllables: I had a dream/and in that dream/his lips tasted sweet/like honey balm. See my points? Actually you can advance this poetic device by removing the 's' in the next stanza of "thoughts". Remove the 's' in the "thoughts". Just an idea though. However, (here comes the scary part) I don't think directing the poem blatantly with the second line of the first stanza is good. It makes (to me) saying "Whoa, WHOA. That is fast." and that is no good. You can continue with that but my advice here is, prepare us for this like driving too fast is not safe; you could have an accident and die on the road.

II

He had no prejudice thoughts.

It was just me and him together,

entangled together like liquorice.

I love the fact you're bringing licorice or liquorice in this. The fact you make it a simile makes me happy. (I have longed so long for licorice...) Back on track, I smell grammatical error on the first line of this stanza, yes, the biggest word, prejudice. It is a noun and how could you make a noun an adjective? It should be in past-participle tense, prejudiced, or in continuous verb tense, prejudicing. The syllables here are the most broken out of all the others stanza. This is the worst. I don't think 7/8/10 is a good choice. Why don't make it 8/8/8 like the previous stanza? There are many than enough words there to cut up. It will make your poem more tidy. (I'm sorry about the new, nitpicking habit. I am experimenting on heavily formatted poems lately like Haiku and Sonnet; that's why. >_<)

III

His lips were sweet like honey balm,

when he pressed them against mine.

About the first line of this stanza, may I suggest a repetition? My first opinion is you repeat the second line of your first stanza, "his lips tasted sweet like honey balm", which actually will make it more well in a way. Second, you just could repeat it again after the second line of this stanza, making another stanza. That are just ideas of mine after all. AGAIN, I truly want this stanza to flow 8/8 again with internal rhyme which visibly here is "them". Before them, it is still enough 4 syllables, but after it, it just left, "against mine", which only three syllables. If you could possibly create an 8/8, I would love to see it.

IV

There was no bitter taste left in my mouth.

But then again it was just a dream,

and I woke alone in a dark room.

10/9/9, not bad. But it just would be perfecting the meter if you could do 10/10/10... (Ignore this (._.). Back on track, the third line isn't good. I don't like the idea of using the phrase, "woke alone". It sounds, it feels, it looks weird. Yes, all of us "woke alone", aren't we? I cannot fathom on the ideas of people "woke altogether" in a same time. See my point here?

I don't want to comment on the last stanza as it is already neat and good. My points here are perfecting the syllables of each stanzas, making this poem rhymer, and repeating a good line/stanza/or-whatever-you-liked to create more powerful effect although the poem is quite nice already.

Keep writing~!

~Memo