Young Writers Society

This is a very good poem. It is short and has a nice story line. I would definitely read more of it if you wrote more.
I feel like you should work on your format and add more detailed words though.

For example: We laid spread out on a king size bed,
watching the fan above spin
around and around.

"Joffrey?"
I asked, my voice small in the sea of darkness.

"Mm?"

"I don't want to grow up,
I think-
I think,
I'd much rather grow down."

And all I got in return was a silent chuckle and a,
"Go to sleep, Alice." "

What I would write is:

We lay on our kind size bed,
I watch the fan above us spin,
around and around never stopping.

"Joffery?" I quietly say,
I feel my voice move in a sea
of great darkness.

"mmh" He replies with his sweet voice"

" I don't wana grow up Joffery, I wana,
well, I wana grow down. I think,
well at least I think I do."

I smile when I hear his small chuckle,
his words touch my heart as they leave his lips,
"Go to sleep Alice" "

Now, don't think your poem is bad. I think it is nice. You should try putting the poem through a few rounds of editing. I suggest, changing your words a bit and going for a more traditional layout. Your writing is amazing and I look forward to reading more of your work. I love love love this piece. Have an amazing day and please please please keep writing.

Sorry if it seemed like I was trying to change your entire poem.
- Anne Throckmorton

Hello! So first off, I like the idea here. This poem tells a small story, and makes the reader crave more of the story. I myself can say that I am intrigued by the plot here, and would certainly read more, should you write more.

The one thing I would say about how this piece could be bettered is to take it out of poem format. The format of poetry used to tell this story is a tad uncomfortable. The reader is deterred by the format, and that takes away from the great content idea. Maybe try making this a one-shot or something to that caliber.

Overall, I like the idea! Happy writing, and I hope this helps you in your future endeavors

This is a very simple poem. But simple is genius in the case of this poem. There is quite a bit of understanding in this poem, even though it is very short you conveyed your words in a way that made the reader know what was going on. The use of dialogue really helped the poem flow along and rereading it I can't seem to find any grammatical issues.
My favorite part is
"My voice small in the sea of darkness." Because it really conveyed this timid approach and you can tell that the narrator is very nervous of growing up. Which is very understandable because every once in a while I think of college loans and then slip into existential panic.
I think a small part of everyone can relate to your poem because of ever growing pressures to be this super successful person when you grow up and it's very scary to think about it.
Back to the actual poem at hand,
The line,
"I don't want to grow up,
I think-
I think,
I'd much rather grow down.",
obviously carries the whole message but the way you carried it out helped everything click emotionally wise. The use of hesitation brought this sense of worry.
Overall, good job! Can't wait to read more of your poems!