A girl is trapped,
suffocating in darkness.
Her screams filled the air
in a piercing shriek,
ripping at her lungs like daggers.
*
No matter how hard she struggled
against the violent consuming darkness,
nothing she had in her could stop it.
She watched them fade into
time and memory.
*
A memory that is replayed
again and again.
The relief.
The joy.
The pain.
*
It was always the same.
And yet she always had hope.
“Maybe this one will be different”
but the fog always comes in a flurry
It covers them and they become
someone new,
someone different,
someone distant.
*
Perhaps they wouldn’t have gone
if the fog never came and stole them.
But what’s the point in questioning?
What’s the point in hoping?
When we know the truth:
They come.
They go.
She stays.
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139,784 Literary Works • 672,766 Reviews
Hello, writer.
WOW! It's a beautiful poem. I love the title. It's so simply beautiful and meaningful. And the theme of the poem is beautiful, too. I really enjoyed the poem.
In the 2nd stanza-
Here, the "them" seemed like sudden to me. I mean, I couldn't really get an image of what this "them" could be when I first read the poem. There was no clue to what it might be. You didn't mention before. So, it kinda confused me.
Otherwise, the whole poem was really very beautifully. Nothing much to criticize, really. Tia and Winter have already mentioned. Well done with the poem. Keep on writing such beautiful pieces.
Hi MadWriter7, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
Theme: This is a very emotional poem you have here and I think you nailed the emotions on the whole. I can feel the main character's pain through out the whole poem. I was expecting this poem to not flow very well, because the lines are a bit choppy and there are no rhymes, but surprisingly it flowed quite well. I do think that rhymes would make it flow better, but I know that that would be an awful lot of work, I know.
Description: I feel like this doesn't have nearly enough description in it and I think you could put in quite a bit and it would just take the poem to the next level. Maybe add a few words to describe the fog or how it moves. The first stanza has plenty of description and is a good way to open the poem, but then the description seems to drop off. Just a suggestion, but I really feel like adding description would make this poem wow me.
Grammar and Punctuation: As far as I can tell your description is spot on.
Small suggestions: None that I haven't already mentioned.
Overall another great poem from you and I look forward to what you have in store. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
Thanks so much for this review
Hey! EverWinter here!
I can really feel the pain you poured into this (maybe cuz you told me before, idk). I think, though, if you could put a bit more imagery into it, it would be golden.
You describe her feelings a lot, and very well. But maybe if you could show them more, through the setting and her actions, it would provoke a bigger reaction from the reader.
The only structural thing that popped out was when a stanza had more lines than the others. I don't know, I think you can keep that. Poetry knows no bounds.
Great job, and I hope this situation gets better! <3
Ever
Thanks Ever!