Good evening, Alice! Courtesy of Review Day and RevMo (which have actually given me the energy to review stories for a change), I thought I should provide some of my thoughts and critiques about your latest set of lyrics. So, let's begin!
Okay, as a song, this actually works fairly well. You have the emotion, in the form of a sense of dismay and low self-esteem, which is communicated vividly across the piece. It represents a common theme of sadness and lack of confidence in ones self, and is executed decently through your usage of line separations, the humming, and the main lyrics themselves. I can envision that main character's sadness and emotional troubles in this piece, especially as it pertains to their writing skills and pain thereof. It's a common struggle among writers, and certainly something that I and many of the people around me can agree with. I joined this site as a complete and total newbie, and my first few poems and stories were generally struck down. Honestly more of my fault than anything else - as the narrator might agree with, I had a hard time properly expressing my thoughts and feelings in an evocative fashion. In this fashion, it is clear who your audience is, and I think you did a decent job of attracting their attention and providing them a situation they can relate to.
However, I agree with Georgia - it's a good piece, but generalized. I want to know a little more about the narrator and their live, so that I might be more capable of relating to them as an individual. What happened? What has the narrator gone through? How have they struggled and felt guilt and sadness? What are they like, and how has this created such emotions? I get the impression that the narrator, in this case, might be you, telling a piece of your own story and discussing what has happened in recent times. With that in mind, I'd definitely suggest expanding upon this story and making it longer, while also expanding upon the lyrics you've already incorporated. I mean, "I don't feel strong/so don't tell me I am," seems marginally disconnected from the rest of the piece. It communicates a different feeling than the others, and also adds in a character by reference who has had no other significance in this poem. So, how does this relate to the rest of the lyrics? Why should it matter here? That's what I'm interested in.
Otherwise, I think that this would do lovely with some kind of a chorus and repetition going on, particularly when it came to the humming. I dunno, I feel like one voice just wouldn't be enough to convey all the feelings and emotions here - having a chorus while the main singer echoes their lines sounds like a nicer option. Too, I also think an ellipses (...) at the end of lost, and then an emphasis on indecisive, would provide an excellent jump into the main chorus of the lyrics, after you provide your vivid opening. That main chorus could itself be the next four lines, and perhaps others, as you wish. In general, I like this song and the emotions that it conveys, but I personally think it could be expanded upon and made into a greater and larger composition that more conveys an average lyrical style, given you a larger amount of room to experiment with meter and vivid imagery.
Yet, all in all, I like this poem! Great job! Your sense of emotional development and experimentation are both fantastic, and this turned out to be a good set of lyrics. I love the feelings this conveys, and how you used elements like the line breaks and the humming to emphasize it. This seems to be a fantastic basis upon which you can build larger and even more evocative songs, and I'm impressed. Well done!
Points: 24185
Reviews: 299
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