z

Young Writers Society


12+

Secrets

by Charm


I keep secrets locked under my tongue, 
hidden whispers that only I can hear.
They are the spout from which an ocean pours
from my eyes at midnight, when the sky
as well as my heart and mind
is closed dark like a box lid.

Dark and dusty like my box of memories,
that only recently has seen daylight and felt
the touch of a finger against its fragile contents.
And it felt more than a finger but as well a tear,
for I keep secrets locked under my tongue
and hidden in a cardboard box.

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863 Reviews

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Sun May 29, 2016 11:17 pm
Morrigan wrote a review...



Hi there, AliceAfternoon! Weirdly, I thought that I already reviewed this. I guess not! I'm here representing team Potter today! Whoo review day!

Let's dive in!

They are the spout
What are the spout? The secrets? But they're under your tongue, and your eyes are spouting oceans? So your eyes are the spout? I'm confused about your metaphors. Make sure that they all coexist and make sense together.

is closed dark like a box lid.
I think you could phrase this more elegantly. I'm not sure exactly how to fix it right now, but just know that I think it needs some tweaking.

The first line of the second stanza is like a continuation of the preceding sentence. It's a bit like a fragment. I think that another stanza should probably start a new thought, but it focuses on the box that you mentioned. Maybe don't mention the box at the end of the first stanza, to keep it fresh?

So are we talking about a physical box of secret memories, now? There's a cardboard box hidden under your tongue? Remember my advice about your metaphors coexisting.

And it felt more than a finger but as well a tear,
This is phrased awkwardly. Maybe say something like, "it felt many tears, as well as my fingers."

Your imagery, overall, is really nice. I can see that this piece has potential, but the imagery is all jumbled up. Where are the secrets? In a box? Under a tongue? Or are they a spout? I'm unsure. Anyway, I did enjoy this, and I hope that you find that this review proves useful to you. Keep writing and posting. Happy poeting, and happy review day, Alice!




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Thu May 19, 2016 3:33 am
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rainforest wrote a review...



Hello! Elysium here with another review!

All I can say that this isn't too bad at all! I really enjoyed it. I've never read any of your other poetry before, I don't think, but I really want to. I'm just gonna get started with the review now.

I really like the concept here. You captured the secret factor really well. Although, I would like you go into depth about what kind of secrets they are. Good secrets, bad secrets, what kind? You kind of made it ambiguous, and a secret can be a broad topic. I would maybe say something about what type of secrets they are.

Looking at the poem itself, there aren't a lot of mistakes, although I did catch one that is questionable.

the touch of a finger against it's fragile contents.


Now, I did catch this and this was one of the things I really, REALLY did want to notice. I believe that instead of "it's," it would be just "its" with no apostrophe.

Other than that, I didn't really catch anything. I really love how you personified secrets into a cardboard box locked under your tongue. I love the idea of it. I apologize that this review is very short, but this is pretty much all I had to say. Good job with this! I believe it is possible to go into detail a little more, but what you have right now, it's still pretty good. Don't give up and always write!

-Elysium




Charm says...


Thank you! And thanks for catching that mistake. I like to keep my poetry open to interpretation. So that anyone can apply it. It's both good and bad secrets. Pretty much things that you are not willing to be vulnerable about.



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Tue May 17, 2016 10:31 am



WOW!




Charm says...


:D



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Sat May 14, 2016 11:45 pm
CelesteZaveri12 says...



So beautiful. I loved it. I enjoyed it. I was nearly brought to tears. Keep writing poems. That's your thing. Cool!




Charm says...


Thank you



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Sat May 14, 2016 11:40 pm
CelesteZaveri12 says...



I think it's perfect, 4 and a half stars! The only thing I'd complain of is, instead of, "and hidden in a CARDBOARD BOX," I think you should say, "and hidden in a JEWELED CHEST" or "CRYSTAL TREASURE CHEST." No offense, this poem really reflected by emotions, and I loved it. Just, a CARDBOARD box isn't really imaginative in my idea. JEWELED chest or CRYSTAL chest or SACRED chest or GOLDEN chest would be better. And I like the term "chest" over "box."
Your choice, though, and other than that, perfection!




Charm says...


Thanks, I choose to use box because I actually have a cardboard box filled with pictures and small treasures that I've picked up throughout my years of traveling.



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Sat May 14, 2016 11:38 pm
Trelose says...



Hello!

I've got to say the imagery in this poem is phenomenal - it makes me envious. Beyond that, the wording itself flowed INCREDIBLY well. I don't really have any criticisms except... Write more!




Charm says...


Thanks!



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Sat May 14, 2016 9:55 pm
RippleGylf wrote a review...



I absolutely love the idea behind this poem. The transition from the first stanza to the second is very good, but I think grammatically speaking it should be "is" instead of "are." However, the imagery in the second stanza is simply fantastic. Your repetition of the first line is skillfully done. It could be a bit longer overall, but I don't mind short poems. This is just a beautiful poem. Keep writing!




Charm says...


Thank you




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