She felt empty and inept,
Like endless darkness.
*
He was the sun to her world,
Bringing light to every dark corner,
Taking away the loneliness.
*
His eyes held a thousand stars,
Shining the brightest when he looked at her.
She desired his gentle, wistful touch.
She desperately wanted to be with him.
And he with her.
*
Their love was passionate,
Like two fires burning bright.
Constantly challenging each other’s
Engulfing flames.
*
She wanted to see the world through his eyes,
But he was too bright for her,
And she too dim for him.
*
He held a galaxy full of stars,
While she could barely grasp one.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,784 Literary Works • 672,766 Reviews
Woah, those two last lines...
You took the term "star-crossed lovers" to a completely new level, and the title completely matches the story of the poem. The lines flow really well, with amazing imagery and excellent word choice. Your stanza structure is really well done, easily leading me to the next idea.
The only two (not necessarily bad) things that stuck out to me were:
"Constantly challenging each other's / Engulfing flames" --- While reading, I got stuck on "each other's" because I was thinking that you had meant that they had been challenging each other, which wouldn't had made sense. Personally, I think it would've helped the flow more if it had went as "Constantly challenging / Each other's engulfing flames"
"She felt empty and inept" --- this is more of personal opinion, but I feel that "felt" could be better replaced with "was". He had brought light to every corner, and had taken away the loneliness, so that must mean that she WAS empty and inept. Throughout the rest of the poem, you didn't really use "felt" for describing how their love was - because everything WAS, if that makes sense.
This poem was a really nice read, and I hope I'll read more from you soon! Sorry if anything was a little unclear. Keep writing!
Woah, those two last lines...
You took the term "star-crossed lovers" to a completely new level, and the title completely matches the story of the poem. The lines flow really well, with amazing imagery and excellent word choice. Your stanza structure is really well done, easily leading me to the next idea.
The only two (not necessarily bad) things that stuck out to me were:
"Constantly challenging each other's / Engulfing flames" --- While reading, I got stuck on "each other's" because I was thinking that you had meant that they had been challenging each other, which wouldn't had made sense. Personally, I think it would've helped the flow more if it had went as "Constantly challenging / Each other's engulfing flames"
"She felt empty and inept" --- this is more of personal opinion, but I feel that "felt" could be better replaced with "was". He had brought light to every corner, and had taken away the loneliness, so that must mean that she WAS empty and inept. Throughout the rest of the poem, you didn't really use "felt" for describing how their love was - because everything WAS, if that makes sense.
This poem was a really nice read, and I hope I'll read more from you soon! Sorry if anything was a little unclear. Keep writing!
A magnificent, heartbreaking poem..
Keep up (Y)
First, the imagery in this poem is really, really touching and significant. In the second stanza, The equation of 'the male lover' with 'the sun' and 'loneliness' with 'darkness' is marvelous. It shows how the girl saw her lover as a savior. He saved her from loneliness and darkness.
In the penultimate stanza, the male lover is more described as a bright angel. The girl wanted to see the world through his eyes, but she thought she could not because 'he was too good for her'.
The 'Star-Crossed Lovers' title suits the poem, especially that stanza.
One more thing about the title, it's really reminiscent of Romeo and Juliet. If feels as if you wanted to give us the impression that the two lovers in this poem are 'the modern Romeo and Juliet'. A good one, to be honest
However, there's a minor objection in the fourth stanza.
''Their love was passionate,
Like two fires burning bright''
In my opinion, you should have said:-
"Their love was passionate,
Like a fire burning bright."
It would be more intense and significant because it was their love that burned bright. But when you described the two lovers as 'two fires' in a simile, you somehow 'weakened' the stanza. Likening love to a single burning fire is more sentimental. But that's my opinion
Honestly, you did a great job and your poem is excellent. It's well-written and I really like the romantic language you used here
I give it an 8.8/10
Thank you for this review
Great poem and you had a intresting way hitting into the subject of romance. The first two lines seem odd though ( i see were you were going with it) but like my start in my book it fells like a run off (like im one to talk *Derp*
) anyway it over all seems like a good poem and it describes how people feel when they have a crush in a really well way. Well time for this lone wolf to hed back into the woods [My new closing to reviews, Let me know what you think : )]
Thanks for the review.
no prob plus what do u think about the outro
Hey Mad
nice to be reviewing.
Hope I helped!
I enjoyed this poem, you came at the idea of romance from a different angle and I really like it. I do have one or two things to nitpick with but that's all they are really - nitpicks - because this poem is pretty good! The first two lines. I don't overly like the first two lines, it looked like a failed attempt at rhyming. That wasn't too bad, because it was obvious that you weren't trying to rhyme in the poem, but it still looked that way and it kinda threw me. Maybe rewording would be good? If it was me I'd go all out into one line to open the poem. Like I would put 'She felt nothing.' And I would jump into the main body from there, but it still looks good the way you have it so that's really just a suggestion.
And one other thing would be the "She desperately wanted to be with him." line. It just doesn't really fit in a poem that is so wonderfully metaphorical. Again, it's a nitpick because I'm trying so hard to be helpful - :') - but now that I see it it looks a bit off. More so it looks like she's not with him, which at that point she clearly was. It only caught me on a second reading though so I would say it's pretty okay the way it is.
Now, the good stuff! Mad, you really are improving creatively. This piece had some wonderful imagery, your metaphors shining through more than anything. I loved the whole last part about him being too bright for her, it was beautiful and a little sad, and the last two lines are just perfection. So many people mess up poetry when they don't rhyme, but you nailed it. Well done on this piece, I preferred it to the others I looked at
Yours in ink,
TS.
Thank you for this review!
No problem
By the way, inept was a nice touch. I thought so at least
Thank you!
Hey! I'm here to do a review!
But before I get into my review, I want to share an unnecessary story that might be slightly necessary.
I fell in love with my sweetheart when I was 15, even before I knew what love was (what does a high school freshman know about love?). I had just met him and was pretty scared of the feelings but soon, we were dating and learning more new things about each other. There were times when I felt as if we were polar opposites. In many ways, we were (and we still are). Being around him made me realize that he was everything I am not and that put the balance we needed to ensure we are stable together. For me, the moon rises and sets with him and I was okay with that. More than okay - I was in love.
I connected with this poem in a deep emotional level. Reading this poem has brought many memories for me. The fact that this relates to many others out there is a great way for you to know that you are doing something with your writing right. I mean, the best kind of writing are the ones where you can relate to.
Your flow and grammar usage is great and I have no comments or critiques to give you about them.
Overall, you did a superb job and I sincerely hope to read more work of yours in the near future.
Thank you so much!
Hey there!
It's a wonderfully written poem, I love the style you were going with, it looks fantastic! I admire your strong use of symbolism and depth, it reflects the kind of writer you are and clearly, you are good one!
The only thing I would suggest altering a bit (as I've noticed that other reviewers have already pointed out the other ones) is the second last verse.
The first line: "She wanted to see the world through his eyes"- brilliant, absolutely wonderful!
The second line: "But he was too bright for her". I completely understand what you were trying to express, but perhaps change it slightly to something like: "But he shone brighter than her," and the next line "And she was fainter than him." The lines flow a bit more smoothly together.
It's entirely up to you, it's only a suggestion after all! It's a beautiful poem nonetheless, regardless of whether or not you edit it further!
I rather enjoyed reading your excellent poem, keep up the great work and I look forward to the next writing piece you will create!
MissLyricz x
Thanks so much for this review! I'm glad you liked my poem.
You're welcome!
I'll definitely get around to reading the next few chapters of your story! I have a bit to catch up on, haha!
I can't wait to hear what you think! I haven't edited it yet though, so just know that the things other reviews have said, I am aware of.
Cool. I'll keep that in mind, my friend.
Hey there, MadWriter7! clogs here to review!
I liked the starry imagery in this poem. It was a nice theme, and you kept it up throughout the poem without it starting to become repetitive, so good job. It also flowed very naturally; nothing felt forced. This was a really good poem, but I do have some suggestions.
1.
I think "lonely" should be "loneliness" here, right? That makes more sense.
2.
I agree with the previous review that that line felt a little weird. Maybe try "and he with her" or something like that.
3.
These lines also struck me as odd, maybe because golden embers aren't things that I usually think of as challenging. I think you could probably come up with a better metaphor for that.
4. Sometimes the punctuation was a little off. For instance, there were periods where commas should probably go in some places. Here's an example:
The period at the end of the first line should be a comma. I realize that it's poetry and you can bend rules and blah blah blah, but a comma fits best with the method of punctuation that you seem to have chosen for this poem. My suggestion (and what I think you were probably aiming for) is to punctuate the poem as if it were prose. That usually works well. Here's an article explaining more about that:
Poetry & Punctuation
My thoughts on the meaning of the poem:
It kinda seemed like the poem was saying that the girl wasn't good enough for the guy? That sounds like a very unhealthy relationship to me, which is probably why it was star-crossed. It kinda left a bad taste in my mouth, but then I read the previous reviewer's interpretation, and that sat much better with me. I think that's the one I'll go with.
Overall, this was an interesting portrayal of a very old theme, and nicely executed, too. Hope this helped, and keep up the good work!
Thanks for this review!
Hi MadWriter, Felistia here to start review day with a bang and you're the first on my list.
Theme: I really like the theme you have going here. It is a very beautiful story of two lovers, one bright and full of life and the other more dim and withdrawn. I normally don't like romantic poems or just romantic in general, but the way you told the story in the poem was sweet and heart warming, so I guess I have to say that I really liked it.
Description: I think it was your description that made the poem for me. It complemented the story so well and really made to poem come alive with colour and emotion. The last two lines were my favourite, because you made the description so full of emotion and still gave me a great picture. It was a great way to end the poem. I must say this this is the best description I have seen from you.
Grammar and punctuation: I can't see any problems with the grammar or punctuation, but then I am not a poetry punctuation expert at all.
Small problems: (Taking away the lonely.) I feel like this would read better if you made (lonely) (loneliness).
Over all a great poem and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Thank you. I'm glad you liked my poem!
It's an absolutely a gorgeous poem. It gave me serious shivers and emotion. You can tell she's feeling broken and he's full of goodness, but they can't really be together. Like she can't love him until she loves her self and the world more. I infer that the stars mean love. It's beautiful, you did an absolutely amazing job. I feel like it might flow better if you took "gentle" out of "Gentle, wistful touch" or put "wistful and gentle touch". And, "And he, her" Sorta sounds unnatural. Maybe find another way to phrase that. Other than that it's perfect. Great job!
Thank you