On the afternoon, the students took a break from Mathematics class. As much as Felaris enjoyed it, her thoughts had been swirling around Ilami. She imagined what kind of situation would she put Ilami in in order to corner her? Would she drag her into the Dungeon where punished students were taken to? Or would she force her to go to one of their secret hidings? And when she had her under her mercy, what would she do then? Would she use bully her in the typical way - with fists and threats or - Veris would approve of this - would she question her about Alyosha and determined whether she was innocent or not?
She took a deep breath and left the classroom. She gripped her shaking hand. Her blood boiled for revenge. Veris and Seya waited outside. Veris leaned against the wall, his arms folded, while Seya stood up straight, her hands folded in front of her.
‘We’re going to meet them?’ Seya asked, excited.
Felaris nodded. She led them to the place of House Wermin, the home for those blessed by Wermin the Storm Goddess. There, she found the person she was looking for. Sensa Ashav, her female cousin who was two years older than she. Sensa let her crimson hair let loose, the colour a trait of her Ashav heritage. She was tall, and as she joined the conversation with her friends, here eyes were distant, as if they were looking somewhere else.
‘Sensa,’ Felaris said. ‘I need to speak with you.’
Sensa turned. Looking at Felaris and her friends, she excused herself from the others. Felaris tilted her head as a sign for Sensa to follow her and she did. They went to an empty corner.
‘When was the last time you met my brother?’ Felaris asked, straight to the point.
Sensa didn’t react to that; in fact, Felaris had the suspicion she had been anticipating the question. ‘The night before the disease got to him,’ she said. ‘We were in the library. I was checking books at the shelves, and when I got back to our table, he said he had went to the Restricted Area.’
Felaris’s eyes widened. ‘The Restricted Area! When the first student entered it a year ago, he was found dead! What was Arafel doing there?’
Sensa shrugged. When she spoke, her voice was low. ‘I don’t know. But what I do know is that he managed to get out. When Dayel Ayesis entered the Restricted Area, the students found him dead in the male bathroom.’ She looked down, her voice turned to a whisper. ‘Somehow, Arafel managed to escape. He didn’t suffer what Dayel did, but they still got him in the end.’
‘They?’ Felaris said sharply. ‘Who are “they”?’
Sensa sighed. ‘I don’t know.’ She looked at Felaris. ‘I know he’s told it was Alyosha when he was dying, but it seems too easy.’
Felaris frowned. ‘What do you mean by that? He must’ve saw Alyosha doing something horrible, and he in turn got involved in it. Alyosha must be the one who spread the disease to him.’
‘There was no proof, was there?’ Sensa said. She folded her arms. ‘Look, Felaris. I understand you want to figure out who caused Arafel’s death, but wanting it to be Alyosha won’t help.’
Felaris caught Veris nodding. She gritted her teeth. How could both of them be logical at times like this? Arafel was dead a day after he went to the Restricted Area and no one was there to help him. ‘Arafel’s words are the only clue I have - the one that I could trust. I’ve asked his other friends and none of them was willing to help me.’
‘Why is that?’ Sensa said. ‘You have to look at this in a different angle. Arafel’s death isn’t just a matter between Alyosha and him. It happened in this academy. Don’t you think -’ she said, glancing around, ‘don’t you think Mrs. Venaria had made sure to keep this matter from being brought up? You don’t see me poking here and there. My parents and the teachers have told me to not talk about it again.’
Felaris rubbed her face. What Sensa said made sense, which frustrated her more. How would she discover the truth if she had to go against Venaria? The principal’s smile hid a fang behind it. ‘Wait,’ she said, frowning, ‘what were Rafael and you doing in the library at night. It closes when the sun sets, isn’t it?’
Sensa diverted her glance for a second before she adjusted it on Felaris. ‘We were looking for a book. I told him we could wait for tomorrow, but he didn’t listen.’
Felaris leaned forward. ‘What is it about?’
‘The Brother Gods Church,’ Sensa said. ‘Arafel thought the recent assassination had something to do with it. I thought it was ridiculous of course, but then he showed me the picture.’
We’re heading into a different tangent, Felaris thought, but this was something that interested Arafel. He never was intrigued in anything unless it was important. But no matter. I need all the information. ‘What picture?’
‘The symbol of the church sewn on the clothing of the assassin,’ she said. ‘She failed killing the target, but later on another assassin finished what she started. The picture was sketched by Arafel. He was there when Danizen was killed. We were in the library to investigate how the church came into being.’
Felaris frowned. ‘Came into being? I would bet with the arrival of the Naturals. They were so powerful people in the past worshiped them as deities. They chose their own priests and those chosen spread their messages in the church. What’s so fascinating about it?’
Sensa raised her eyebrows. ‘It seems like you missed the lessons of history of Nerecian. The religion of Naturals chose their own priests, yes, but a church only served a Natural. The Brother Gods Church on the other hand serves two Naturals - Lio and Xesar. If that isn’t weird already, imagine how many priest does it have?’ Seeing Felaris’s blank face, Sensa continued, ‘It has only one and each one comes from the Fexar family. Kestari Fexar is currently the priest of Lio and Xesar.’
Felaris leaned back and turned to her friends. Veris looked thoughtful but Seya only shrugged. ‘With time, religion progresses. Perhaps the gods understand the importance of being united.’
Veris shook his head. ‘Having represented by your own priest doesn’t mean you oppose the rest. The Naturals choose their priests to solidify their influence, but the priests aren’t enemies to each other because at its base, they spread Nerecian.’ He smiled. ‘I find Nerecian and everything about it interesting.’
‘That’s what you said about Fuzha in Lin-Zhe,’ Seya said lazily. ‘You just like religions in general.’
Veris chuckled. ‘Well, there is entertainment to be found from the ridiculousness of some religions. We’re off-topic, by the way.’ He leaned to the wall. ‘Having a priest for two Naturals is definitely controversial, but there’s nothing harmful about it, is there?’
‘I’ve told you,’ Sensa said, shaking her head, ‘Brother Gods Church was the one that orchestrated the death of Danizen, a man who campaigned for the city geredia position. If he were in charge of Ciraciel, he would support things the church didn’t.’ She paused. ‘Arafel was so into it that he died because of it. I should’ve never agreed to enter the library with him. He shouldn’t be in the Restricted area.’ She looked down at the floor again.
Felaris clenched her jaws. It wasn’t Sensa’s fault Arafel was dead. Arafel didn’t dig his own grave. It had to do with the XieZhi members - Alyosha and Venaria. She had to pry the information from them somehow, but first she had to start from the bottom. ‘Is there anyone else I can question?’
Sensa kept silence for a few seconds. ‘The day he was dead, there was no class. I bet he would be with his best friends, Hazir, Bardel, and Zefos. Maybe you can ask them.’
Oh good. One of them is an Arrapian. Why would he befriend someone from an uncivilized country? ‘I will. Thanks for the information,’ she said and turned around.
Before she left, Sensa grabbed her arm. For a fragile-looking person, her grip was firm. ‘What makes you think they’d talk?’
Felaris flashed him a wolfish smile. ‘Oh, they would. Even if they wouldn’t, I would make them.’
End of chapter
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137,992 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okay...so quite a heavy end to this chapter. As far as the three introductory chapter for characters went, this was the heaviest of the bunch by far. I love to see how much worldbuilding seems to have been done here...but we do dance on a dangerous line of giving away too much information. More details on all that down below.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...lots of generally very bad threats being planned there...oh dear, I'm really starting to feel afraid on behalf of Ilami here, cause technically she hasn't done anything to really provoke a reaction this strong here. And well for one the fact that dungeons exist in the school for punishing is crazy to think about, but also how so many people seem to on board with this plan is quite something to see here.
Okay...not the worst place to include a description to this new person we meet, but I feel like its maybe a line or so too long and ends up being just a teensy bit of a break in the general flow of the story, so you may want to look into that there.
Oh this is exposing some even more dangerous potential plots here. We've got it all being connected to a restricted area and the disease doesn't even necessarily seem to be the one that killed him. Oh dear...this is quite a lot to process here. So many potential theories for how this might have gone down.
Okay...Sensa seems to be trying to instill doubt about the fact that it was definitely Alyosha that's responsible for this person's death. We've got ourselves another very interesting angle being built there, mostly...why would Arafel even blame Alyosha if maybe he didn't have a hand in his death. Cause there are lots of ways you could take this...hmm.
Well..that's a lot of mystery for a death that took place inside an actual academy. Its a wonder that sort of thing hasn't been looked into more. Does this school hide all of these things from the outside world somehow? Is there no like policing system in place for this world?
Ooooh...well...that's pretty much what I asked already..this is kind of eerily similar to how Hogwarts was run with Dumbledore...the parallels are striking there...and equally damaging to people in the consequences that they can have her.
Hmm...that's understandable. Sneaking into the library after its closed cause you really want to get your hands on the one book sounds like something most of us would do, although this is a magical academy where there could be actual consequences...and I guess there were consequences in this case.
Okay....now we're hearing about other assassinations, and I love how you acknowledge the tangent through Felaris there, cause this is going off on yet another direction here with even more things to think about.
Okay...this is going off on a bit of a history lesson tangent now, and I feel like it maybe went a bit too far. There's already so much to process with this chapter that I feel like by this point a reader is going to be slightly overwhelmed here. Just a think to maybe keep in mind. You don't want to make readers have to try and understand too many things.
Hmm, well, this turned into a conversation about religion, subject successfully changed, I think Sensa maybe did that on purpose to discourage and potential vengeful plots by Felaris against Ilami at least for this conversation.
Hmm...well sadly the conversation got dragged back. I do like the point it was dragged back at though. That makes it a lot more realistic to have one of them realize they got a bit carried away in that other direction and dragging it back to the main point. I know this is exactly how every conversation with my friends go with us going ridiculously off topic sometimes, so this is lovely to see but also this is a story so keep that information thing in mind a bit.
Hmm...well this should be interesting to see, at least Felaris is not going to attack Ilami who just appeared in this academy and might not even know of a death, but she's going to go after people who might actually know something.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I think you've built quite a character in Felaris here. She's got a lot more flaws than Ilami and appears to be a bit of an antagonist perhaps, but I still like her as a character, and I think maybe she's one of those questionable protagonists rather than a straight up antagonist, and those sorts of characters are always a lot of fun to work with. I like where this story is going and I feel like once we're pass the more introductory chapters, this currently slight flow breaks due to information will smooth out and get better. At any rate, that's it for this one. Catch ya in the next chapter!!
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thanks for the reviews!
Keep 'em coming! xD
You're Welcome!!
xD I will!
Hello again!! Sorry for the delay.
Okay, so now we're into our third POV. I'm worried about this POV because while it joins in with Ilami's story (and I feel like she's the main story? more on that later....) and I'm glad it joins in with Ilami, I'm worried there's too much going on now. Don't get me wrong, the events of this chapter were intriguing with the whole brother dying at the school mystery and Felaris out for revenge. Super interesting. But, we also have Ilami's whole story and Gael's whole story to work through and this is a lot to keep track of!
I think when you go to do the next draft, it'll be helpful to think about what you want the central storyline of the novel to be - is it Ilami's story, Gael's story, Felaris's story, or someone else's? My guess is overall this is Ilami's story. That's important to know because whoever the main shining star is for the whole novel needs to be the main shining star throughout and any other POV will exist to still amplify and enrich the shining star's story. Obviously the supporting characters can have their own subplots going (otherwise the story would be super boring), but they shouldn't overshadow your shining star.
The advantage of being in third person is that we can have a very wide view and see many different things going on and many different characters and character interactions. The downside to that is that it's easy to get distracted. There were a lot of new characters and a lot of new little plot lines introduced in this chapter and I'm not sure if I need to remember everyone or how all of these plot lines are going to play out and work together.
I think this chapter could be streamlined a little bit. I was a little confused about why Felaris had an issue with Ilami because at first she was talking about how she had an issue with the sister of the guy who killed her brother (which I get) and then she's trying to go after Ilami, which I don't get. I feel like that's a crucial thing because I feel like Felaris is going to be an antagonist for Ilami. I'd like a little more time spent on what she has against Ilami and why.
I think if that's the main focus of this chapter, then that's enough to digest. Felaris is a new character and simply introducing her as an antagonist (to Ilami) and as having this issue with trying to avenge her brother's death and figure out what happened is enough for the reader to digest in this chapter. That's plenty of new information. I think in later chapters you could show what you showed in this segment with Felaris talking to people to figure out what happened to her brother. Otherwise, it's so much information and so much new stuff to think about. We're still in the beginning stages of the novel, so the reader is still trying to get their feet under them and understand your world/characters/main conflicts. Don't overwhelm the reader with too much too soon
But like I've said in previous chapters, there are a lot of intriguing elements to this novel and I'm curious to see what you're going to do with all of the plot lines you've started and all of the elements you've introduced! Let me know if you have any questions or if there's something you'd like feedback about that I didn't mention and I'll skip on over to the next chapter!
After reading ch. 6 this chapter makes muuuuch more sense to me :p
I'll talk about this chapter again in my review of ch. 6.
Thanks for the review regardless! I agree multiple PoVs can make the MC's PoV pale in comparison. This is my first time using it. xD
I've finally managed to find a few free hours in my life so I will try and finish out the rest of these reviews tonight.
-Before this point, I was a little iffy on Felaris because she seemed like a character that would end right side up eventually, but for now all she wanted was revenge. The slight hint of humanity and realization in that dialogue, mixed in with all the thoughts of torture and trapping, made me start to like her more. She is definitely growing on me and tied with Jaxin for favorite 'kinda evil but kinda not' character.
Obviously the restricted area in the library you are talking about here is quite different from the restricted section in Hogwart's library, but that's where my mind jumped to. I'm guessing that this is the mysterious place that Gael entered and met with the weird dwarf security guard. This chapter is kind of a medley of saddening bits but also some humor, making the shifts quite enjoyable. Usually I would complain about a work bouncing around and changing so much but I'm realizing how this is part of your style, and I like it.
There's also the furthering backstory and lore to the novel which is getting complicated but still maintains the reader's interest. There were very few times when it came off in the past as info dumping and now it just gracefully slides in there. Something mysterious is going and the last line is rather haunting.
I'm just gonna go ahead and stop here.
See you at the next review.
Hi there Lightsong. This is Kays here dropping in seeing as she's finally caught up with the novel to give a review! Let's cut the long intro and delve right in. Without further ado, let's review.
Felaris is almost a terrifying perspective to read from seeing that she wants to corner Ilami. Are the two going to be rivals? Are the two going to somehow and miraculously become friends over time? Are the two going to share an experience, maybe an unexpected battle or fight against a larger threat that shows Felaris that the two are on the same side? I'm only speculating of what may end up happening. I'm confused by Felaris--what does she mean by 'innocent or not'? From what I've seen, she seems to pass judgement on others and believes that she's in the right without a second thought. On the other hand I can see her perspective and why she's obsessive over Ilami being similar to her brother.
Is there a reason that the Restricted Area isn't restricted? That's what I'm confused by. How does that connect to disease? That's what I'm wondering. Hopefully this'll become more clear with time. I continue this review at night and hopefully I'm able to finish this night as well. With that being said, I'm quite interested by Felaris and her amount of knowledge about the school and all of her conspiracies that come along with her being distrustful of all but Arafel's words and she's even a bit frustrated by her own friend. The wolfish smile at the end of the chapter kind of reveals her kind of more malicious side.
Overall there's not a lot wrong with this chapter, there's not a whole lot that sticks out either though. Nothing acts as a particular pull towards a deeper enjoyment--not a certain element that I enjoyed. I'm enjoying the perspective of Ilami and Gael more thus far, but we'll see how this turns out.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.
Hi, Lightsong. Pan back again to review.
In-ter-esting. I feel like a lot of things are starting to come together. The connections between the different POV characters are steadily building and becoming clearer, which is one of the things I always love about books with multiple narratives. I do agree with MJ that this part of feels a bit more muddled than previous ones - there's a lot of new information about people we haven't come across yet and it seems to come out of the left field. More about that later. First, nitpicks!
Nitpicks
'In the afternoon' is more commonly said.
Expression is a bit off, and like MJ said this isn't really a question. Perhaps have something like:
She imagined what kind of situation she could put Ilami in in order to corner her.
Do you mean 'hideouts'?
This sentence is a bit messy, and MJ is right in saying that there are too many dashes. I wasn't sure whether you meant that Veris would approve of the physical violence or the questioning, though going from his previous behaviour I'm assuming it's the latter. You could have something like:
Would she bully her in the typical way, with fists and threats, or would she take the Veris-approved route and question her about what she knew?
I have to assume she just wants to see what Ilami knows, because like Mea says, I don't see how she can actually think she was involved. Ilami would only have been very young when Arafel died, presumably?
Using 'let' here makes it sound like she is actually pulling her hair free of a ponytail as they approach, when what I think you mean is that she just wears her hair loose all the time. Something like 'Sensa wore her hair loose' or 'Sensa let her hair hang loose' would make more sense.
(Also, snap! I have a character called Sensa as well!)
Typo.
Should be 'been'.
A few reviews ago I mentioned For The Audience dialogue - characters discussing something that would be common knowledge between them purely for the benefit of the reader. This falls into that trap. Sensa would surely know as well as anyone that someone had died after entering the Restricted Area, so it feels out of place for Felaris to mention it.
Keep it simple. Don't press the reader with the knowledge that the area is forbidden. If she just said something like:
Felaris's eyes widened. 'What the hell was he doing there?'
We'd get the sense that Arafel had been doing something dangerous. You don't need to be too obvious about it.
1) Expression. Something like 'I know he said it was Alyosha' would sound more natural. Or 'I know he told us it was Alyosha'.
2) I don't get why she thinks it's too 'easy'. What does that mean? It doesn't feel like the right word.
1) Should be 'seen' rather than 'saw'.
2) There's something a bit For The Audience about this dialogue as well. It feels like you're trying too hard to make sure we're following. If she just said something like:
Felaris frowned. 'What do you mean? He said it was Alyosha.'
It would get the same point across without being needlessly wordy. The dialogue as it stands just doesn't feel that natural.
More of a personal preference thing, but I'm not that fond of this. In thinking this, Felaris is admitting that she's being illogical, which is at odds with how stubborn she is. It's like she's acknowledging that she's in the wrong, which seems like something she'd never do.
Should be 'were'.
'At a different angle' is how this is usually phrased.
Should be 'has'.
I like this line, but I think 'fangs' might be better than 'a fang'. The idea of it hiding one, solitary fang is a little strange.
1) Who's Rafael? You mean Arafel?
2) There should be a question mark after 'night'.
3) It should be 'doesn't it?' rather than 'isn't it?'
1) You'd typically wait until tomorrow, in this context.
2) It should be 'was' rather than 'is'.
Should be a comma after 'ridiculous', I think.
This is where stuff starts to get confusing. So there was a failed assassination attempt, but then there was a second attempt later on? Did Arafel witness the second or first attempt? Why does Felaris not know that her own brother witnessed an assassination?
Again, For The Audience dialogue. Sensa would know how powerful the Naturals were and that they were worshipped, so it feels like Felaris is only saying it for our benefit.
Bit of an expression mix up. Should be either:
‘Having your own priest doesn’t mean you oppose the rest.
Or:
‘Being represented by your own priest doesn’t mean you oppose the rest.
'The day he died' would be a smoother way to say it. Also, you should clarify here that you're talking about Danizen being dead rather than Arafel, because it's a bit confusing.
It should be 'they'll'.
You mean 'her'.
Overall Thoughts
1) The exposition section gets very dense towards the end of the passage. It's difficult to take in the lore whilst also keeping track of the masses of names. You're unveiling too much at once. At this stage, do we really need to know much more about the assassination other than that Arafel thought there was a conspiracy in the church? You could fill in more detail in future chapters as Felaris investigates further.
2) Why would a covert assassin wear the symbol of the church? That's a sure fire way to get recognised. Furthermore, why would Sensa have been convinced by a sketch that Arafel did? I could understand if it was a photograph, but a sketch is reliant on the perception of the artist and eyewitness accounts are horrendously unreliable.
3) I think you could do with more description of the surroundings. I'm picturing them in a bit of a void at the moment - I'm not even sure if they're inside or outside. You could do with a paragraph here and there to describe House Wermin and where they stand when they're talking. What they can hear, smell, see, that sort of thing. It doesn't have to be mega detailed and architectural; just a few small things will go a long way.
I'll call the review there! As always, I'm really enjoying the story; this section just needs a bit of tweaking so it's not quite as confusing. Tag me when you post the next bit!
Keep writing!
~Pan
Hey there! MJ here as promised to deliver another review.
There shouldn't be a question mark here. It should be a period.There are too many dashes here, and they should be a long dash, not just one.
This is a fragment.
So I'm liking how you're starting to tie this back to Gael and what he found in the Restricted Section, as well as intensifying the desire for revenge that Felaris has. A fight here is inevitable, and I'm looking forward to it, especially considering how well you described their spar last chapter. I do have a few pieces of critique that I think would make the story less muddled.
So firstly, I got completely overwhelmed with all the names. Part of that is because these aren't names that I've ever seen before or even heard of, so I have difficulty remembering exactly who's who, who did what to who, and just keeping track of all of them can be quite taxing on the reader. To cut down on this, I would suggest only mentioning first or last names whenever possible instead of giving the reader two names to remember, and also only mentioning names when unavoidable, especially if they're mentioned in passing.
This chapter also felt a bit more rushed than the last one-- I caught a few more grammar mistakes, and there were small errors that you had made throughout. I didn't go through and nitpick all of them because individually, they're not a big deal, but your writing style didn't feel as thoroughly edited as your last chapter and as polished, if you will. That could be for a number of reasons, so I just wanted to throw that out there.
Overall, I liked all the information that was given here and how the plot is progressing! This was a slower chapter, and the back-and-forth between Sensa and Felaris was very diplomatic, and I liked that style of writing. I'm excited for the next chapter, and I'll certainly be around to review it!
Best wishes,
MJ
And I'm back!
So this is interesting! Lots of mystery here. Can't wait to see how all of this intrigue winds up playing out. I'm really glad we were able to get more information about how the priests of the different gods work, and how the Brother Gods church is weird.
Some thoughts and points of confusion:
So... why does Felaris think Ilami might have had something to do with her brother's death? Wouldn't Ilami have been a really little kid at the time and not been anywhere near the school? How does that make sense? I thought she just wanted revenge so much she's willing to take it out on Ilami even though she's just his sister.
And then when she goes and talks to Sensa, I really can't help but wonder why she hasn't asked her all this stuff before. I would think it was one of the first things she'd do after he died, since she wants revenge and to find the truth of what happened. Which led me to wonder - how long ago did Felaris's brother die? I had thought it was years ago, since I thought you mentioned in the first couple chapters that Alyosha had been graduated for a while and was now a high-ranking general or something. But if it was that long ago, why hasn't Felaris investiaged before? I feel like I'm missing something.
Wait, so Arafel went to the Restricted Section with Dayel. Dayel was found dead, and Arafel was fine for a year and then died? Or did they go at different times?
They spend a while talking about Danizen before we actually get this explanation of who he is, which made the previous paragraphs a bit confusing. It'd be good if you could work this information into the conversation earlier.
Not to beat a dead horse, but both "would"s should be "will" and "wouldn't" should be "won't."
All in all, great chapter! Lots of interesting information, and something tells me that the way Felaris is still fixated on Alyosha is going to cause problems for Ilami down the line.
Make sure to tag me for the next chapter! <3