They met the receptionist at the registration counter, a young woman wearing the school staff’s official yellow garment. Her eyes widened a bit as they met Ilami, but only for a brief second. She gave them a polite smile and picked up a thin book lying at the edge of the counter. ‘Mrs. Ilami Xie-Zhi, I assume, and,’ she paused, checking something in the book, ‘and Mr. Jaxin Exafar, the guardian?’
Jaxin nodded. Ilami didn’t say anything, disinterested, and instead looked around her.
‘The official documents have been done by Mrs. Venaria herself.’ Leaning forward, the woman neared her mouth to the dull diamond placed on the counter. ‘Calling for a prefect - your service is required. I repeat, calling for a prefect - your service is required.’
A few seconds later, a prefect rushed towards them, her black hair flowing behind. Wearing a spectacle, she quickly nodded to the woman. ‘Prefect Aleveri reporting for duty,’ she said with a straight posture. She glanced at Ilami and widened her eyes. ‘Holy storm! Are - are you Mrs. Venaria’s daughter?’ She turned to the woman, covering her mouth. ‘I-I’m going to show her around, am I not? It’s such an honor!” She smiled at Ilami.
Ilami smiled back, not out of politeness but rather for the amusement of seeing Aleveri’s reaction. It was the most exaggerated one she had ever seen.
The woman frowned disapprovingly at her, but she nodded. She turned to Ilami. ‘Mrs. Aleveri would guide you to your current class. Here is a set of papers containing class schedule, map of the castle, and list of rules. Since you have settled the issue of school clothing, the only matter left is the textbooks. Those would be given to you soon after we find the second-hand ones. Mrs. Venaria insists you use them. Mr. Jaxin, you may leave Mrs. Ilami with us. Mrs. Aleveri, please direct Mrs. Ilami to her classroom.’
Jaxin turned to Ilami. He handed her a dull diamond. ‘If you need anything from me, use this diamond to communicate.’ He stood there for a few moments and raised his hand before he dropped it.
‘Thank you.’ She could sense him trying to control himself and she smiled. She leaned towards him, tiptoed, and kissed his cheek. ‘Thank you for everything you’ve done,’ she whispered to his ear. The others would see what she had done with her mother’s servant, but she didn’t care. Jaxin wasn’t just a servant.
As she leaned back, standing in a straight posture, she could see the blush creeping into his cheek. This must have been the first his superior showed affection to him. Well. If the time asked for it, he had to get used to it. ‘I - I will go now,’ he said, cleared his throat, and leaved the academy.
After his presence was gone, Ilami turned to the young woman and Aleveri. Both of them were stunned. The young woman coughed and turned to Aleveri. ‘What are you waiting for, Mrs. Aleveri? Mrs. Ilami should not be any later to her class.’
‘O - of course!’ Aleveri said, nodding vigorously. She adjusted her spectacle and posture. ‘Please follow me, Mrs. Ilami.’ With how flat her voice was, Ilami could tell she was trying to be professional.
Ilami followed her. They passed the main hall to the stairs.
[bla bla bla, description of the castle, bla bla bla]
They entered a room. The teacher wore an orange tunic - Ilami assumed it signified her status. She and the rest of the students looked at her; silence filled the air. She blinked her eyes and turned to Aleveri. ‘A new student, Mrs. Aleveri?’
Aleveri nodded with a smile. With the air of a page, she waved her hand at Ilami. ‘This is Mrs. Ilami, daughter of Mrs. Venaria Xie-Zhi the Principal, younger sister of Alyosha Xie-zhi the Charmer.’ Her voice carried through the class.
A few of the students snickered. The teacher’s mouth twitched and she nodded. ‘I see. I’m Mrs. Nayil. Well, Mrs. Ilami, you can have a seat. Beside Mrs. Aleveri, I would suggest, as there’s an empty spot there.’
Ilami followed Aleveri and found Aleveri’s seat beside the window. Hers was behind her. It promised comfort from the wind. She liked it. She stepped toward her seat, but a foot hindered her movement. Instead of falling, she used her other foot to stabilize herself. She turned back, glaring at the owner of the foot. A huge boy stared at her, a smirk on her face. She made a show of cracking her knuckles before she sat. Looking through the window, she thought, Oh yes, the breeze would sooth the fire within me.
Aleveri turned back. ‘Don’t mind Baris,’ she whispered. ‘He might have the brawn, but he’s brainless, really.’
Ilami leaned forward. ‘I wouldn’t waste my energy paying attention to craps. But if he keeps rubbing himself on me,’ she said, throwing a glance at Baris, ‘I’d be forced to get rid of him, one way or the other.’
Aleveri smiled. ‘Quasar Magica Academy has taught its students to be competitive. Always watch your back.’ She adjusted her spectacle and shifted her attention to Mrs. Nayil.
Ilami listened to Mrs. Nayil. She taught history of magic, a subject that brought only boredom to her. The ancestors of Estagrian practiced magic from their old gods before the arrival of Naturals. They used magical objects that gave them magic by using their life energy. When the Naturals came, they blessed most of Estagrians, making each of them born with the ability to manipulate and create elements of nature. Those without it were called Loners. Ilami was grateful her family had been here when the Naturals came. Wasn’t that all the history necessary about magic?
When the class was over, Aleveri turned towards her yet again. ‘May I see your class schedule?’ Taking the paper from Ilami, she hummed. ‘Wow, this one is made for a fighter. You have a combat class after this. It would be held in the field. I’d show you before I go to my Potions class.
Ilami felt her heart bursting to her throat. Finally, a class worthy of her attention. ‘Show me the place.’
The field was situated at the back of the castle. A vast expanse of greenery met their eyes, bringing with it fresh scent of this morning’s rain. Gathering of students and teachers made it look as if there were moving spots on them.
‘From this paper, it seems like Mr. Haifei would teach you. He’s a Lin-zhese, by they way, so he might be kind to you.’ Looking at Ilami’s frown, Aleveri blinked. ‘Or maybe not! If that’s what you want. Anyway, he stares daggers, so get used to it. That’s him,’ she said, pointing at a man with graying hair in front of a group of students. ‘I should go. Good luck!’
Aleveri waved at Ilami, but the latter only smile as waving back seemed to be silly. She approached Mr. Haifei. A set of wooden swords, spears, and axes, were laid beside the group along with fewer bows. She approved the sight. When she tood in front of Mr. Haifei, she bowed. ‘Wuzhe hailong, daizho,’ she said in Lin-zhese. ‘Ilami-che hainee.’
Mr. Haifei rose his eyebrow, but no smile crept to his face. ‘Wuzhe hailong, daijhi,’ he replied. ‘I take it you’re Mrs. Venaria’s daughter?’
Ilami nodded.
Mr. Haifei faced the group. ‘Get into them. We’re practicing various weapons now. I’m sure you have some training of your own. Which weapon you are used to?’
Ilami got into the group, standing at the front of them. She noticed a red-haired girl staring at her, but she ignored it. She held back her hands. ‘The dagger, though I’m fine with a sword.’
‘A dagger is an assassin’s weapon. Here, you would learn how to fight in public before you explore the art of attacking in the shadow.’ He paused. ‘I have two rules in my class, Mrs. Ilami. First, obey my words. I will ask you to fight and I will ask you to stop. When I say nothing, continue what I have instructed you before. Second, do not show your weakness. Learning to fight is all about getting familiar to your pain. You might get wounds, you might get scratches. Don’t complain about them to me. Handle them on your own. Do you understand?’
Not much different with her previous training. She nodded. ‘I understand.’
End of chapter
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140,681 Literary Works • 673,591 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Oki...so we get to the school here and meet some of the teachers and student and the lessons a little. Its a neat little chapter for the most part. I felt like a couple of places went by a bit faster than was completely advisable, but for the most part, this is pretty cool here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...that's a very interesting procedure there to start off with. The uniforms is an interesting thing to see, I don't know of too many staff in school that wear official colors, although I guess you can't assume its a mandatory uniform by seeing one person
Hmm...with the reaction by Ilami I wonder whether she thinks its a fake reaction. That aside though, this makes for a really interesting reaction there. These people clearly think of the owner of the school as a pretty big deal and by extension her daughter...so its an interesting attitude to see which contrasts a lot with what we saw of said person's actions.
Hmm..so her mother has sent instructions ahead to the school I'm gonna assume with that whole textbook situation. Although the rest of the school was probably not quite aware of when exactly Ilami would arrive judging by Aleveri's reaction.
Well that's a sweet moment, it really captures the hidden side of Jaxin that we saw earlier in that first chapter, and I love to see these things mentioned with a bit more prominence here. It makes it all look more solid and seeing Ilami doing this in public shows that she doesn't care all that much for what people tend to say.
Hmm...that's an interesting moment, Jaxin getting a tiny bit flustered there, you don't expect someone that acts quite as soulless as he does to react in that manner, but it does showcase just how rare that sort of thing must be.
Wow, their opinions changed rapidly with that one moment...that's quite a an interesting reaction. So it looks like maybe the Aleveri person was faking the whole time at the start...or you can't account for that drastic of a change.
I'm not sure if this is Ilami's own thoughts joking around..or you just leaving a hole to be filled later? I know I write things like this in my drafts sometimes cause coming up with descriptions, especially for interiors is just super hard sometimes
Okay...interesting that some folks have a bit of a title there...and I find it hard to decide whether "The Charmer" is a good title or a bad one, cause that's quite ambigous especially when magic is involved.
Well...this is interesting, I can't decide whether they are singling out the owner's daughter for some reason is this just generally how some of these folks treat new kids, cause well, this is how you tend to see this sort of thing go down in regular school too.
That does not sound like a safe school environment there, death threats being tossed around on day one..well, I suppose its a curse that accompanies magic schools in general *cough* Hogwarts *cough*. At any rate, she comes off a lot more headstrong that I imagined her to be judging from that first chapter and I don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing at the moment.
Okay...that went by a touch fast I think. The pacing sped up there a little more than it should've. It cut right to the class, whereas I think we'd be better served by seeing perhaps how Ilami takes in the class and the teacher, a few of her thoughts about being in the academy in a general. Just sort of have her settle into this environment a little more before things get underway.
Oooh, well, I suppose perhaps there are schedules varying based on what students want to learn more of perhaps, although this one does look like it wasn't picked entirely by Ilami judging by the way she's reaction there.
Ooooh...now that is a class that I definitely would want to attend there, when they said combat class I was expecting more magic, but some good ol' fashioned physical fighting is pretty awesome to see.
Hmm...a dagger seems quite appropriate for her current age, so that's a nice little touch. And I like how professional this teacher was about who she is, there was the question asked, but it was made quit clear she wasn't being treated any differently...yet I guess, you can never assume in a story.
Hmm...that seems like a more brutal form of training than most, especially with most of these kids here being just teenagers. Its an effective way to build a lot of character, but it doesn't sound too safe, I'm gonna assume maybe magical healing is a bit more powerful than what we have and hence this sort of thing is allowed to happen. Well it does make for a really interesting point to end on here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this combines to be a solid chapter to introduce us to this academy...but I personally feel like perhaps you could've ended this with Ilami's first impressions of school and saved the classes for the next chapter, cause that would allow us to get a closer look there. Anyway that's all I have to say here. Catch ya in the next chapter.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello again!
I loved the [ ] note about adding more descriptions later. I always have to go back and add descriptions too :p Some descriptions I'd love to see added in (later :p) - what the house looks like (inside and out), what the mother looks like, and what the school looks like (inside and out).
I was a little confused in the first section when she was on her way to the school, and then there was a flashback to the previous night when she was talking with her mother about her test and coming to the school, and then we jump back to her being on her way to the school. I liked that you included all of these things - I'm glad we got to see an interaction with her and her mom and I'm glad we got to see the lead-up to her arriving at the school. I think it would be more clear to the reader if you did it in a different order. Maybe start the chapter with Ilami sitting down with her mom and talking about the test and the school and then have a scene break and start the next scene with Ilami going to the school. The mom seemed to think Ilami would come around and think the way she does before arriving at the school, so when Ilami is on her way you could include some of her thoughts about whether or not that's true.
One thing I noticed in this chapter was that I felt a lot of similarities to Harry Potter. It could be a coincidence because I'm a mega fan and I'm starting to feel the itch to read Harry Potter :p But we have Ilami who is this revered, powerful person who comes from a revered family (Harry) going to this awesome school of magic (Hogwarts) where they don't know anyone and everyone already reveres them and expects great things of them. They're sorted into houses. They take similar classes. There's magic. My mind immediately went to Harry Potter. There are obviously differences, and I don't know if you're a fan of HP or if that's an influence to you. If it's not, no worries. If it is, then I'd just be careful that your story has enough noticeable differences to not be compared to Harry Potter
My only other qualm with this chapter was that after she arrives at the school too many things happen all at once. She gets a tour and then she immediately goes to a class and then she goes to another class and I'm left trying to get my bearings. Once she gets to the school, I would focus on one event (maybe she sees her room, maybe she has an encounter with Baris, maybe she thinks about whats in store at this school) and only have one thing happen after she gets to the school so it doesn't feel overwhelming to the reader.
I'm intrigued to learn more about the school and to see how Ilami and Gael's story lines end up coming together! (and if there are more similarities to Harry Potter, I'm here for that too because like I said, I'm feeling the itch :p)
And as always, let me know if you have any questions or if there's anything else you'd like feedback about that I didn't mention!
Thanks for the reviews!
Yeah, I can see how there are similarities between the school system with Hogwarts, though I think there are differences that make each of them unique. Two of them are that the students can't choose the House they want, because it depends on what kind of blessings they have, and also the students are differentiated mainly by their approach on the eduction - some of them are Fighter students while others are Scholar. You'd know about this more later on. xD Anyway, the reviews clearly help, so thanks again for that! 
Hey Lightsong. I've been neglecting your novel for a bit and thought it was time to come back.
Today I think this will just be some random comments based on little things in the text. I did like the chapter by the way, if I forget to mention it later on.
-I felt like mentioning this because I saw it several times and it continued to throw me. Mostly 'Mrs.' is used to refer to a married woman, so I was getting Illami and her mother mixed up at certain points. 'Miss' or even 'Ms.' would be the more appropriate prefix to use here.
-The same situation goes for 'Mrs. Alveri'. If she's a student, it would be better to use one of the other two.
-When the lady at the front desk first leaned over this item, I really had no clue what it was. And I guess that her dialogue there was supposed to lead us to believe it was a magic intercom system, but it's still pretty loosely hanging. Now I guess they're some sort of communication devices that can be person to person or person to a crowd of people. There's little things like this throughout your story that aren't much but still make me question what I've read so far, and if there's anything I've missed.
-I fourth or fifth the opinion of wanting to hear about the castle, even in little snippets. Like I can understand Illami getting distracted by certain things around the place but the whole tuning it all out, makes it seem like you weren't trying that hard. The easiest way to alleviate some of that is to slip in little bits of detail with trigger words of what the character is getting distracted by.
Just one possible scenario I came up with.
The teachers and school people introduced so far have been rather interesting, the last one being my favorite. He seems like the character who will become the MC's mentor or advice giver further down the road. If I'm wrong about that, correct me, that's just the sort of vibe that I'm getting off of him at the moment. I suspect there will definitely be a schoolyard fight with Baris at one point.
I liked this chapter because the story was finally starting to pull together and make sense. Now all the characters introduced so far are in the same location which will most likely lead to them meeting each other.
Guess I'll find out in the next chapter.
Good day for now.
~Lz
Hi there Lightsong. This is Kays here dropping in for another review on a Monday evening. Let's finish up this chapter before I head off to bed because I am quite interested in seeing how the second half of this chapter goes. Without further ado, let's review.
Looking over what I've read so far and looking over this chapter I have to say that definitely 2.1 and perhaps 2.2 have been my favorite chapters out of the novel thus far because they're the most solid. There's been more strong characterization for Gael and Haka in 2.1 and more for Gael in 2.2 so I have to say that I am a little biased because I love character development. While Gael's position is a bit more unique in that he doesn't have any powers, Ilami falls under the controlled child prodigy with a parent in the education field which means that the parent(s) puts pressure on the child prodigy even though the child doesn't want to follow their parents' ways.
I forgot--does Ilami have a father? I'm going to assume not? I have a fuzzy memory though so I may be wrong. The part with Jaxin is nice and I enjoyed the servant getting a bit of character and acting as her rock in a way. I am saddened that the description of the castle is left out with 'bla bla bla' and I am direly banking on that part will be edited and filled in eventually? :p I want to know more about the structure--if you're having trouble with describing the castle I'd take a look at how other books describe their own castles, draw the castle from the outside and inside if you're decent in art or to look up how castles may be made in this sort of society--I assume this is on a grander scale because this is the Quasar Magica Academy which is a more important magic school than most out there.
I have to say that the chapter ends off at quite a nice point where I'm left wanting more. I see that there's a third perspective coming in for the fourth chapter which interests my mind because I originally thought there to be only two main protagonists and I do hope that can be pulled off as well as Ilami's character and her mother. Those are the main concerns that I hold for the novel this far except for the biggest one which is when Ilami and Gael meet.
The concern that I have is the intersect point when the characters meet and how the dynamic of the multiple perspectives is going to work from there. Other than that, I'm excited to see what happens and how Ilami reacts to this new school and how Ilami and Gael react to each other once the two begin to interact. This chapter isn't the strongest, but this does indeed keep me interested enough for the future.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.
This was a pretty decent chapter. It wasn't exceptional, but it wasn't boring or confusing either. It was mostly what's to be expected, in a chapter about starting at a new school, though I do like Ilami's feistiness and her boredom with history made me laugh. And her affection for Jaxin was really sweet.
Grammar
This should "I'll be forced," and I'm going to attempt to explain the difference between "will" and "would" since I've noticed this is a really common error of yours. (In this chapter, you do it every time you mention where she's having a class or who will be teaching her.)
You tend to use "would" when you should use "will." Both are used to indicate a future action, but "will" implies more certainty - you *know* the action is going to happen, usually because you're the one performing or ordering it. "Would" is used more as a hypothetical. I found this article that explains the difference more thoroughly, but I also want to point out one of the examples it uses:
This is very similar to your incorrect example from the chapter. So why is "would" correct here but incorrect there? The answer is that, in context, "cooking us anything" isn't something the speaker is actually expecting the person to do, as implied by the use of "ever" and "anything." Basically, this is a passive-aggressive statement probably being made in an argument. If the speaker was genuinely suggesting a trade - that he buy a dishwasher in return for the other person cooking something - then he would say this:
.
By using "will" both times, he's indicating that this is more than just a hypothetical - it's a serious suggestion about a future state. I hope some of that makes sense.
And now that I've spent an entire review's worth talking about one line (sorry, but I hope it helps), let's talk about the rest of the chapter.
The best way to strengthen this would be to make the characters shine a bit more and make the school stand out more. Right now, because there's little to no description of the school, to me it's just like every other magical boarding school in fantasy. What makes this one different? Capture that, and you've captured the readers interest. (J.K. Rowling did this really well with Hogwarts.)
I like the use of a diamond to communicate - that's one of those unique things that really adds to the worldbuilding.
And I've got to dash, so I'm going to leave it here for now!
Hi, Lightsong. I'm back with a working computer and ready to catch up on reviews. Can't believe how far behind I am again!
I'll start by saying that the story is coming into its own more and more with each chapter, but I won't dawdle any more than that. Onward to the nitpicks!
Nitpicks
Maybe use a more specific descriptor? 'Garment' could mean anything. Is it a dress? Robes? Trousers and top?
We can tell from her actions that she's disinterested so this isn't necessary.
I find it odd that they just call for a prefect. I'd expect them to organise a specific chaperone in advance, because it's the kind of thing they'd have to have a clear schedule for.
I think you mean 'wearing spectacles'. Unless you mean she has a monocle.
Both instances of 'would' should be 'will'.
'The first time', I think you meant to say.
Odd expression. Perhaps 'Well, he would have to get used to it' would be clearer.
Odd expression. Just say 'after he had gone' or something.
Again, you mean 'spectacles'.
I know you're struggling with describing the castle, but I think you should just have a go. It doesn't matter if it's bad and needs changing. I can help you edit a bad description. I can't help you edit a nonexistent description.
Well, she's not going to be blinking her nose, is she?
You tend to tack a lot of unnecessary information onto the end of dialogue. We automatically assume that the class can hear her, so there's no real need to tell us her voice carries. Don't describe what's obvious.
This is a bit cringeworthy for me. Then again, it does sound like the kind of thing an eleven-year-old would think; I'm just not sure that's what you were going for.
Also: 'soothe' has an 'e' on the end. 'Sooth' is just an archaic word for 'truth'.
1) Do you mean 'creeps'? 'Craps' is kinda weird.
2) 'I'll' would work better than 'I'd'.
Not clear what you're trying to say here. Are you trying to communicate that she doesn't think she needs to know anything else about magical history? In which case, something like 'was it really necessary for her to know any more than that?' might be clearer.
Your most recurrent grammar problem is using 'would' instead of 'will'. 'Would' is used when a condition has to be filled, e.g.
If the gym was occupied, it would be held in the field.
Or when you're talking about something that used to be the case but no longer is, e.g.
Back before they made the gym, it would be held in the field.
So in this instant, because the dialogue is in present tense and she's talking with a degree of certainty, it should be:
"It will be held in the field. I will show you before I go to my potions class."
Or the more casual:
"It'll be held in the field. I'll show you before I go to my potions class."
It is really hard to explain the rules for when you use 'would' and when you use 'will' - I know them instinctively, but it's hard to justify it in words. Google might be more reliable than me for grammar help.
1) 'Gathering' should be plural.
2) The simile is pretty weak. What does 'moving spots' tell me about the gatherings? Not very much. I think you can find a more interesting way to depict them.
Again, 'will' rather than 'would'.
Typo. Should be 'smiled'.
You mean 'raised'.
Expression. Assuming he's telling her to get into the group, he'd be more likely to say something like 'Go stand with them'.
'Will', not 'would'.
Rather than different with, things are different to, different from or different than something. The last is more commonly found in American English.
Overall Thoughts
1) I don't have too many overall issues with this. It's a solid end to the chapter and a good introduction to Ilami's academy life. I'd like to see you have a proper stab at the castle description (I'm happy to come back and give feedback on it) rather than just having the brackets as a placeholder, because I think that will enrich the description.
2) I'm slightly confused as to why Aleveri and the receptionist woman were so shocked by Ilami kissing Jaxin's cheek before he left. It's not like they know Ilami's mother personally, so I don't see why they'd be that shocked by how allegedly out of line the affection is.
Other than that, I enjoyed the chapter. I feel like there were less minor issues with this one, as well, but I hope the review still helped. I'll get on to reviewing chapter four as soon as I can.
Keep writing!
~Pan
"Left" here, not "leaved"
Assuming that this is intentional and not a note-to-self that got looked over before it was published, this doesn't seem like the best phrase to use here. If you don't want to describe the castle, then don't, or just mention its very small details, like "They climbed a stone spiral staircase and walked down a hall with bright paintings on either side until they reached a thick wooden door. A plaque outside read "Mrs. Nayil: A History of Magic", and Ilami's guide paused there."
My biggest critique here would probably be the shorter sentences I saw throughout the story, something that I wasn't really used to seeing from you. The biggest paragraph that stuck out to me as a good example of that was here:
The first few sentences were very choppy and short, just "Hers was behind her. It promised comfort from the wind. she liked it. She stepped toward her seat...", and all of that was very unvaried (pun intended), and it could become a little bit of a drag.
This was also a bit of a slower part, and I think that could be fixed if you talked a bit more about how Ilami was feeling. You talked about how she was bored, but was she nervous? Confident? Anxious? Excited? All of those emotions would help us to emphasize with her more as a character.
Overall, though, I can see your writing style improving throughout the different installments, so good job on that! I like how this story is moving along, and I'm excited to see how Ilami reacts to all the different pressures the castle/academy might put on her, especially with the introduction of maybe a new character. If you have any questions, feel free to contact me, and keep writing!
Best wishes,
MJ