z

Young Writers Society


12+

Chapter 19.1: Gael

by Lightsong


Throughout the week, Gael studied day and night for the Test. The prizes for it was an artifact, after all, so he really needed to get his hand on it. Even Serra agreed, despite despising the fact that it was Gods’ Brotherhood who would hold it along with the academy. He couldn’t pass the chance to amplify his mastery in blood magic.

When he wasn’t studying, he sneaked with Veris to isolated areas to spend time with each other. Initially, Gael wasn’t comfortable showing physical affection to him – isolated as the places where, there was a possibility someone could pass by and catch them – but Veris assured him it was okay. Occasionally, Serra complained about them, and at one point noted their actions were arousing. They didn’t do anything more than kissing. Gael thought that was enough for now; Veris was an excellent kisser.

He did ask him once if he had done this with other boys as both of them laid on the ground, staring at leaves hanging in the sky, sunlight coming through in the gaps between each of them. Veris smiled hearing that, then nodded. ‘A few times, always in secret. You’re different though, than the rest of them. For them, it’s all about physical pleasure. For you, it’s something more than that.’ He took Gael’s cheek so that his face turned to him, before he touched tenderly Gael’s lips.

Despite the kissing they’d done, the gesture felt intimate to Gael, his face felt warm. He wasn’t well-versed in romance, so he didn’t know what to expect from this. He did know he liked what had been happening between them so far.

‘More how?’

Veris didn’t hesitate. ‘You want emotional pleasure. Showing your affection towards each other is great and stuff, but it’s more meaningful when you actually care about the other, and want to spend time with him to know more about him. At least, that’s how you seem to me. I know for certain I want to know about you. Your hobby, your favourite colour, your family – everything that makes you the way you are.’

‘I do want to know more about you,’ Gael said. ‘I’ve been wondering – why did you become a Fighter student, when it was clear you were better suited being a Scholar?’

Veris took his time to think about it, before sighing. ‘It was my father. He thought serving the military was the most you could do to contribute to your country, so he made me take classes for a Fighter student. Even when it was clear I preferred to read stories about war instead of actually joining in one, he thought he knew what was best for me more than I myself.’ He smiled weakly. ‘I didn’t have the courage to object, so I just followed what he said.’

‘That’s – that’s unbelievable!’ In actuality, Gael had heard about the kind of parents that Veris just described. But he had a hard time finding a legitimate reason for that. His parents never forced him do anything; they would rather like suggesting things for him and letting him make the final decision.

He grabbed Veris’s hand, and spoke with conviction, ‘You are more than a Fighter or a Scholar student, Veris. I’m sure you’ll find a way around this, and I have no doubt whatever you do, you’ll end up becoming a fine young man.’

Veris stared at him, affection reflected in his eyes. Gael thought the silence would stay when he whispered, ‘I can’t get enough of you,’ then leaned forward, his lips meeting Gael’s.

At the last day before the Test, a thought came up in his mind. His knowledge of the church was sufficient – although he didn’t subscribe to it; as a Serra-blessed, naturally he followed the teaching of Divine Lake – but he wondered what Serra thought about the beliefs of Gods’ Brotherhood.

Fanatics, believing in something that Xesar doesn’t, she said as if he knew what was in his mind. Well, she literally did. He just wished he could have the same access to hers. We were perfectly content when Estagrians built up churches for us, each worshiping one Natural, until Lio turned against us. That was when Gods’ Brotherhood – which was initially named Will of Earth – was founded.

Her tone was like spring lake, calm on the surface, but hot to the touch. I distrust it since then. I couldn’t do anything, however, since I had to recover after the fight with Lio.

Do you think he has something to do with the church?

Oh, definitely, she said. Its followers, Lio-blessed people are the majority in this country. Why do you think that is so?

Gael had guesses, but optimistic as he was, he couldn’t come up with one that wasn’t terrifying. Do you think -

He wiped a huge portion of Wermin-blessed and enough of Xesar-blessed and my-blessed. Imagine them surrendering to an eternal sleep all of a sudden. I do not know through what mean did he do it, but I suspect it has nothing to do with our magic or the Twins’. I suspect it is the same as the one he used against us.

And unknowable magic… Gael thought, pondering on the possibility of it. Perhaps it’s something from the other countries – like Edrin or Lin-Zhe?

I have decades spent studying the magics in Estagria, she said. From her tone, Gael could imagine her shaking her head, disappointed at him, as if she expected him to know all about the Naturals. I am familiar with the magics of those who live in it, including the ones from the countries you mentioned. They definitely are not as complex as what he had employed.

Do you have a reasonable guess in mind?

She went silent for a few moments before sighing. I do. I think it comes from the Hollows, the creatures living in Arxios. The Naturals’ traditional enemy, the one who destroys our country. I am not sure, because the variant he used wasn’t pure Hollow.

Gael blinked in surprise. A deity using his enemy’s tool? Didn’t sound right to him – but then again, the Naturals did oppose his method of being the Hollows. Was he too enraged to the other Naturals to the point where any mean was necessary? How much hatred did he harbor to them? He couldn’t imagine being that angry. He never felt that angry to someone. Too much sadness must’ve led Lio to be consumed by it.

It does, Serra whispered, surprising him. But that doesn’t matter. Continue your study and win the Test.

As bossy as ever. Very well. Gael turned his attention to the reference book laid open in front of him. Across the room, Secca was also studying on his bed.

‘Good luck with the Test,’ Secca said suddenly.

‘Thanks,’ Gael replied.

Then, both of them continued what they were doing, which wasn’t rare. It was peaceful to both of them, preferred to help them focus on their study. Secca wasn’t the talkative type, and Gael respected that. The silence they were both comfortable with was the reason why he could converse with Serra without arousing his roommate’s suspicion. Until the time came, she stayed as a secret. When she let others knew about her presence, he would regain his blessing back.

A/N: I’m pretty nervous publishing this. I think this is the first chapter where there are many scenes involved – I usually write two scenes per chapter. Do you think these scenes hurt the pacing?


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Wed Nov 17, 2021 11:15 am
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okayy...so a lot more development that I thought we'd get on the little relationship blossoming between Veris and Gael. That has gone further and being more successful than I imagined it would be and now its been some time since we last saw Haka as well....so some interesting developments in that side of things, while we know also get some more intriguing bits coming through with these conversations with Serra that are now much more frequent now that Gael knows the full truth and I've been loving those little conversations so far.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Throughout the week, Gael studied day and night for the Test. The prizes for it was an artifact, after all, so he really needed to get his hand on it. Even Serra agreed, despite despising the fact that it was Gods’ Brotherhood who would hold it along with the academy. He couldn’t pass the chance to amplify his mastery in blood magic.

When he wasn’t studying, he sneaked with Veris to isolated areas to spend time with each other. Initially, Gael wasn’t comfortable showing physical affection to him – isolated as the places where, there was a possibility someone could pass by and catch them – but Veris assured him it was okay. Occasionally, Serra complained about them, and at one point noted their actions were arousing. They didn’t do anything more than kissing. Gael thought that was enough for now; Veris was an excellent kisser.

Well that went from studying hard for a test to something else rather fast and Serra's point there is both funny and also a little disturbing at the same time to imagine that a goddess has to subject herself to that every time thoughts thoughts are going to flow...well it looks like at any rate, if Veris is a trip, its being laid very well here.

Despite the kissing they’d done, the gesture felt intimate to Gael, his face felt warm. He wasn’t well-versed in romance, so he didn’t know what to expect from this. He did know he liked what had been happening between them so far.

‘More how?’

Veris didn’t hesitate. ‘You want emotional pleasure. Showing your affection towards each other is great and stuff, but it’s more meaningful when you actually care about the other, and want to spend time with him to know more about him. At least, that’s how you seem to me. I know for certain I want to know about you. Your hobby, your favourite colour, your family – everything that makes you the way you are.’


Well, that's definitely going well. I can't really trust anyone in this school at this point besides the ones we can see the thoughts of, but it does look like Veris is doing all of this genuiely, at any rate things are very much genuine on Gael's side from what we've been able to see.

‘I do want to know more about you,’ Gael said. ‘I’ve been wondering – why did you become a Fighter student, when it was clear you were better suited being a Scholar?’

Veris took his time to think about it, before sighing. ‘It was my father. He thought serving the military was the most you could do to contribute to your country, so he made me take classes for a Fighter student. Even when it was clear I preferred to read stories about war instead of actually joining in one, he thought he knew what was best for me more than I myself.’ He smiled weakly. ‘I didn’t have the courage to object, so I just followed what he said.’

‘That’s – that’s unbelievable!’ In actuality, Gael had heard about the kind of parents that Veris just described. But he had a hard time finding a legitimate reason for that. His parents never forced him do anything; they would rather like suggesting things for him and letting him make the final decision.


Well, there are definitely a few types of parents and not all of those types are like what Gael describes. It does add nicely to the details of this world to see how Veris ended up where he did and how someone like Gael ended up where he did. Its good to see us exploring a little more into the history of Veris.

At the last day before the Test, a thought came up in his mind. His knowledge of the church was sufficient – although he didn’t subscribe to it; as a Serra-blessed, naturally he followed the teaching of Divine Lake – but he wondered what Serra thought about the beliefs of Gods’ Brotherhood.

Fanatics, believing in something that Xesar doesn’t, she said as if he knew what was in his mind. Well, she literally did. He just wished he could have the same access to hers. We were perfectly content when Estagrians built up churches for us, each worshiping one Natural, until Lio turned against us. That was when Gods’ Brotherhood – which was initially named Will of Earth – was founded.


Okayy....so we're now moving away from that wonderfully blossoming romance to what appears to be a bit of a different vein here as these two discuss perhaps what might go down on that test day, although I guess they don't really know what exactly will happen there with the plan by Ilami, Felaris and the others....certainly bringing up some interesting points here. Also...I am now standing what might have become of Haka...shouldn't he have appeared at this point if the test is so close and if I remember correctly, he was one of the four chosen?

Her tone was like spring lake, calm on the surface, but hot to the touch. I distrust it since then. I couldn’t do anything, however, since I had to recover after the fight with Lio.

Do you think he has something to do with the church?

Oh, definitely, she said. Its followers, Lio-blessed people are the majority in this country. Why do you think that is so?

Gael had guesses, but optimistic as he was, he couldn’t come up with one that wasn’t terrifying. Do you think -

He wiped a huge portion of Wermin-blessed and enough of Xesar-blessed and my-blessed. Imagine them surrendering to an eternal sleep all of a sudden. I do not know through what mean did he do it, but I suspect it has nothing to do with our magic or the Twins’. I suspect it is the same as the one he used against us.

And unknowable magic… Gael thought, pondering on the possibility of it. Perhaps it’s something from the other countries – like Edrin or Lin-Zhe?


Hmm, well this has turned into a very interesting almost impromptu history lesson, one that is being provided to us by the goddess of wisdom herself. There is certainly a lot to learn in what Serra has to say here and the more we learn about these things, the more we can sort of sense the kind of plans that are going on in the background in this world.

She went silent for a few moments before sighing. I do. I think it comes from the Hollows, the creatures living in Arxios. The Naturals’ traditional enemy, the one who destroys our country. I am not sure, because the variant he used wasn’t pure Hollow.

Gael blinked in surprise. A deity using his enemy’s tool? Didn’t sound right to him – but then again, the Naturals did oppose his method of being the Hollows. Was he too enraged to the other Naturals to the point where any mean was necessary? How much hatred did he harbor to them? He couldn’t imagine being that angry. He never felt that angry to someone. Too much sadness must’ve led Lio to be consumed by it.


Okayyy....well these little conversations are certainly revealing some interesting details. This book just sometimes seems to have time for some of the simplest of problems but you're never too far from a lurking superpower of sorts with these little things that get mentioned here and there through Serra's thoughts.

Then, both of them continued what they were doing, which wasn’t rare. It was peaceful to both of them, preferred to help them focus on their study. Secca wasn’t the talkative type, and Gael respected that. The silence they were both comfortable with was the reason why he could converse with Serra without arousing his roommate’s suspicion. Until the time came, she stayed as a secret. When she let others knew about her presence, he would regain his blessing back.


Okayyy...well..this ends on a peaceful note for this particular chapter, although well, this chapter is certainly far from being done so there is just no telling how much chaos could be unleashed towards its end.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I think this is a pretty good start here to this particular chapter. We've moved some time forward as well towards this test and I'm sure that there are some interesting things in store for this here. Also multiple scenes are certainly fine and actually sometimes necessary depending on how you like to move a story forward. The only way multiple scenes end up messing with the pacing is if the transitions get a bit rocky and so far these are pretty good. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Wed Jul 11, 2018 4:03 am
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Mea wrote a review...



Hey Light! Back as always for another review.

First thing, to address your author's note: I quite like your use of multiple scenes in this chapter. This style of smoothly transitioning from one short scene to another works well when you want to show a bit of the passage of time and have some simple character-building moments, and it's used in a lot of books (Harry Potter uses it all the time). So I think it works!

My main critique here revolves around the budding romance between Gael and Veris. I agree with Pan that it's written a little bit too stereotypically like a young love romance. I found myself rolling my eyes a bit at their behavior towards each other - it just doesn't feel quite like Gael. Gael is affectionate (when he's not repressing it) but I don't feel like his dialogue and actions in this chapter would be how he shows his affection.

More importantly, I just feel like all of this is too fast. Gael only first started noticing Veris existed what... five chapters ago? A brief kiss is one thing, but turning into lovebirds like this is another. Whereas his crush on Haka has been there since the first chapter, and now it feels like Gael's completely forgotten about it.

The other main thing is that we know so little about Veris, and he just doesn't stand out to me much as a character. To me, he's just one of the minor side characters in Felaris's gang. (And Felaris herself a fairly minor character). I'd almost think Veris was manipulating Gael into a relationship for some reason, just because it feels so odd that they've gotten together like this.

That’s – that’s unbelievable!’ In actuality, Gael had heard about the kind of parents that Veris just described. But he had a hard time finding a legitimate reason for that. His parents never forced him do anything; they would rather like suggesting things for him and letting him make the final decision.

He grabbed Veris’s hand, and spoke with conviction, ‘You are more than a Fighter or a Scholar student, Veris. I’m sure you’ll find a way around this, and I have no doubt whatever you do, you’ll end up becoming a fine young man.’

Veris stared at him, affection reflected in his eyes. Gael thought the silence would stay when he whispered, ‘I can’t get enough of you,’ then leaned forward, his lips meeting Gael’s.

This especially felt like it went a bit too far. It felt like Gael was making a really big deal out of something that Veris doesn't seem to be as bothered by (and I feel like Veris' situation isn't really that unbelievable) and then Veris doesn't even bat an eye.

The conversation with Serra is interesting and I can tell it's important. By and large, I think I've figured out what's going on, but I think one of your major priorities for the second draft will be going back through and figuring out how to explain the situation with all the deities and the different magic systems. Right now, I don't really understand exactly what the situation was before Lio did... whatever he did. More importantly, I also don't have a good sense for how many
people follow each of the religions you've mentioned, or how fanatic they are about their religion. (I know the God's Brotherhood is very controlling, but what about the others? Is everyone religious? How strictly do they observe the religion? Most importantly, what does worshipping a Natural involve? What do they have to do?

That being said, I'm really glad to get more information on all of this, as well as to see some hints dropped about how Lio pulled this off in the first place. I know this review was rather critique-heavy, but I did think the style of this chapter worked well, and I can feel the build-up to the Test. I can't wait to read that chapter!

And that's about all I've got, so good luck, and keep writing! <3




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Tue Jul 10, 2018 2:56 pm
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, Lightsong! While I'm being so organised and diligent with myself, I thought I'd leap in and review this early. I'm always glad to see a new chapter of this.

Blue = corrections.

Small Comments

The prize for it was an artifact, after all, so he really needed to get his hands on it.


Just some pluralisation issues.

When he wasn’t studying, he sneaked with Veris to isolated areas to spend time with him.


Alternatively, you could have 'he sneaked to isolated areas with Veris so they could spend time with each other'. As it's a reciprocal pronoun, the referent of 'each other' has to be plural, which is why it doesn't work in the original sentence.

Gael wasn’t comfortable showing physical affection to him


It's understandable, but 'being physically affectionate with him' would probably be a more natural way to express it.

isolated as the places were, there was a possibility someone could pass by and catch them


Occasionally, Serra complained about them, and at one point noted their actions were arousing.


Complaining about them is fine, but 'arousing'? She's a centuries-old goddess. It doesn't even seem like she's corporeal - and even if she does have a body somewhere, I'd still doubt the ability of two clumsy kissing teens to fluster a deity. The comment seems completely out of place, and more than a little creepy on her part.

he touched tenderly Gael’s lips


Even though it is passable for adverbs to follow verbs, it's kind of weird to put one between a verb and its object, as you do here. 'He tenderly touched Gael's lips' or 'he touched Gael's lips tenderly' would both be preferable.

Her tone was like spring lake, calm on the surface, but hot to the touch.


Are spring lakes hot to the touch?? It doesn't seem like the most apt comparison.

I do not know through what mean did he do it


Oof, this is a bit word salad. 'I do not know through what means he did it' is what you're going for, I think.

An unknowable magic… Gael thought, pondering on the possibility of it.


We know he's pondering from his thoughts alone; we don't need to be told.

How much hatred did he harbor for them? Was he enraged at the other Naturals to the point where any means was necessary? He never felt that angry at someone.


Just some minor preposition corrections. Also bear in mind that 'means' is actually a singular noun, despite the 's'. We frequently talk about 'a means to an end'.

Too much sadness must’ve led Lio to be consumed by it.

It does, Serra whispered, surprising him.


There's a lot of mismatches in grammar and tense here. I think you were going for something like this:

Sadness must have consumed Lio.

It did, Serra whispered, surprising him.


Or this:

Lio must have been consumed by sadness.

He was, Serra whispered, surprising him.


Overall Thoughts

1) I'll start by saying that including more scenes per chapter is in no way a bad thing, and I don't think it has any negative bearing on this instalment at all. The pacing is fine. A scene should only be as long as it needs to be, so don't feel the need to chop your chapters up in the same way each time. Variety is the spice of life.

2) Let's talk about Veris and Gael. On the one hand, it's nice to see Gael finally getting some love, but on the other, I do feel like his relationship with Veris seems kind of...I don't know, romanticised? It's written like so many fictional romances are, what with them sneaking off and lying under the trees and kissing and going on about why they like each other so much. Fair enough if you want to include that sort of stuff, but it shouldn't be all a romance is. I want to see them actually laughing together and getting on the way friends do, not just acting lovey-dovey. Never in my life have I met a stable couple who didn't joke and make fun of each other - they should have an easy banter. If you take that side of things out, the realism fades, and I feel like that's what's lacking from Gael and Veris's dynamic at the moment.

I also find it odd that Gael isn't thinking at all about Haka. Have all those feelings just evaporated? I don't believe it. Even if his attraction has re-centred onto Veris, Haka's still his friend. His missing friend, no less. Why isn't he more worried about him?

3) Interesting to get Veris's backstory about his relationship with his family. He definitely feels much more fleshed out than he did a few chapters ago.

4) I don't really know what to make of the conversation at the end with Serra. It just feels like everything surrounding the Naturals is so incredibly complicated, and all of the developments towards figuring out Lio's motives come from...well, a sort of distance. The reveal about him using the Hollows' magic feels like it's supposed to be a shock, but I've never even heard of the Hollows until now, so it doesn't make an impression on me.

Integrating your lore into the story more cleanly is something that you definitely need to work on. A lot of it is interesting in principle, but not in practice, because it's thrown at me as if I'm reading a planning document rather than a story. Perhaps it comes from how complex it is. Perhaps it comes from the fact that I'm an impatient goblin who doesn't really care that much for lore. I don't know. But I do wish I could learn about the world more naturally, rather than always from a secondary source - though I appreciate that it's difficult for the characters to witness aspects of the setting first hand, given that they're confined to an academy.

I'll leave the review there. Perhaps not your best chapter, but I think it's a step in the right direction to include more scenes per chapter - it's less restrictive that way. I'm enjoying Veris's development and curious to see where his and Gael's relationship will go, though I would like to see Haka's disappearance weighing on Gael's mind more. I thought you'd go straight in for that angst!

Keep writing! :D
~Pan





I was born to speak all mirth and no matter.
— William Shakespeare