When History class was over, Ilami tugged Aleveri from behind.
The later turned and raised her eyebrows, her eyes made larger by the spectacles she wore. ‘What is it? Baris gave you trouble again?’
Ilami grunted, recalling the event yesterday. ‘He did, but not to me. But that’s not what I want to ask from you. Follow me.’ With that, Ilami rose from her seat and left the class. The sound of footsteps followed her.
‘Where are we going?’ Aleveri asked as they walked across the hallway to the middle section of the castle.
The smell there was full of sweat and dirty; a lot of students usually passed this area after their Combat class. The janitors who were in charge of it cleaned it once a week. Ilami scrunched her nose as she walked through the wooden floor.
She turned left. They were going to the back of the castle. ‘Resource section,’ she said. ‘I want to check something.’ The one week she had been in the academy she made use to memorize the map of the place.
Aleveri and Ilami were of different houses; Aleveri was in Serra’s while Ilami was in Xesar’s. Despite that, they shared some of the classes and Ilami had come to trust Aleveri due to the former’s tendency to speak her mind.
They went into the circular section, took the spiraling stairs, and stopped at the second floor, the place for the library. Ilami preferred the fresh smell of this area; she approved the shiny walls and floors, made possible by the selecia oil. If she met Mother, she would suggest her to increase the cleaning given to other sections of the castle. Until now, she hadn’t met Mother.
They entered the library and went to the counter. A woman who Ilami had come to know as Mrs. Welewa greeted them. ‘How may I help you, Mrs. Ilami and Mrs. Aleveri?’ She closed a thin, large book and set it aside.
‘I would like to know if there’s a book about the houses of families,’ Ilami said, resting her hands on the counter.
Mrs. Welewa raised her eyebrow. ‘Are you sure you’re not looking for the book of the Grand Houses? A book of all houses contains a lot of information, Mrs. Ilami.’
‘I -’ How could she explain it to the librarian? ‘I’m familiar with the Grand Houses. I want to know more about the houses in general.’
Mrs. Welewa said nothing, but her sharp eyes seemed to tell Ilami she knew Ilami was lying. She turned around and took a huge book from the shelf at the back. She opened it to the exact page. She must have a remarkable memory. ‘The History section is at the back of these shelves, left of the middle. There are four shelves dedicated to History - one of them would contain information about the houses.’ She smiled. ‘Good luck, Mrs. Ilami.’
Ilami smiled back. ‘Thanks, Mrs. Welewa.’
She rushed to the indicated shelves. The four shelves were labeled at the top - History of Countries, History of Religions, History of Estagria, and History of Houses. She went to the corner shelf and checked the book. She scratched her head. Finding books wasn’t her skill.
‘You want a book containing information of all the houses, right?’ Aleveri asked. She picked up a book from the top of the shelf and gave it to Ilami. ‘This one titled The Upper and Lower Houses. I think it’s a division between the Great Houses and the small ones.’
‘I think so too,’ Ilami said.
They went to the reading area, located between the counter and the shelves. Ilami picked a table at the corner; she didn’t want to be the center of the place, no matter how few the students were at this time. Aleveri sat in front of her.
‘Mr. Haifei mentioned the name of the opponent I faced at my first Combat class,’ Ilami said, checking the book. ‘At first, I thought he was just naming her in full just because, but it seemed like there was something more. Her name is Felaris Ashav, and she looked specially vengeful to me when we fought.’
‘Felaris Ashav?’ Ilami looked up to see Aleveri covering her mouth with her hand. ‘The sister of Arafel Ashav?’
‘You know her?’
Aleveri shook her head. ‘Not Felaris, no. Although some of our subjects are the same, we’re taught by different teachers.’ She bit her lower lip. ‘I don’t know Arafel either, but I’ve heard stories about him.’
‘What kind of story?’ Ilami rested her hand on the opened book.
‘Well, Arafel is one of the few deaths that has happened here. He was found dying in front of the dormitory of Wermin House and looked horrible.’ Aleveri paused. ‘Some said he repeated a name at that time. It sounded Lin-Zhese… Hmm… Raksha? Zusha? Alsha?’
A sudden coldness gripped Ilami’s spine. ‘Alyosha?’
‘Yes! That’s it! Wait…’ Aleveri trailed off and frowned. ‘That’s your brother’s name, isn’t it? Alyosha XieZhi?’
Ilami nodded, her mouth a flat line. ‘It is.’ She looked at the book. ‘I guess I don’t need this after all. Felaris might’ve taught Alyosha had something to do with Arafel’s death, and was putting the blame on me. Am putting the blame, I’m guessing.’
‘That’s illogical,’ Aleveri said. She made gestures. ‘You can’t blame someone for a mistake the other has done! It’s just - it’s slippery slope!’
‘I don’t think Felaris cares about logical fallacies, Aleveri,’ Ilami said. ‘She can’t blame Alyosha now, so she blames me. It’s how the mind of some people works. Sometimes you need to direct your anger at someone, and if you can’t do it at the target, you do it at the one closest to the target.’ She sighed and closed the book.
‘Put the book back, then?’
Ilami looked at it. She got what she found - the answer to Felaris’s unexpected rage. But this book contained information more than Felaris’s family. It contained the information of all houses. Quasar Magica Academy might not be the most popular institution in Ciraciel do its military approach, but it did earn a high reputation among the institutions. Those who sent their children to learn here must be wealthy; their children must meet the strict requirements it had set. And most of them must have been from prominent families.
‘I’ll borrow this one. There should be some use to it later on,’ she said. ‘Let’s go.’
‘Wait, wait!’ Aleveri rose up. ‘Now that we’re here, I’m going to borrow some books. I need to read more on potions.’ She went back to the shelves, disappearing behind the front ones.
Ilami just smiled before a student took Aleveri’s seat. He looked older than a first-year student. He could pass as a typical Estagrian with the blue eyes and fair skin, but his lush eyelashes suggested his Arrapian heritage. A foreign student coming to her to…?
‘Your silver hair caught my attention from afar,’ he said with a slight Arrapian accent, pronouncing the r with prominent, ‘and I quickly realized I’m destined to serve you. Hazir el Rehme, at your service.’ He bowed.
It was funny, but Ilami didn’t let herself to chuckle. Instead, she put on a severe expression. ‘What are you talking about?’
‘I have met many girls in this academy, but none has caught my iron-built heart. At the end of the first year I was here, I had swore if there was a girl who could steal my heart, I would serve her as my queen.’ He winked.
What a flirt, Ilami thought. And a hopeless one at that. She leaned forward. ‘You’d become my servant, then?’
He raised his eyebrows, smiling. ‘Servant of what kind, my queen?’ His eyes sparkled.
‘The most unfortunate one. The one who has to do all the school works for me. The one who would guard me when someone tries to attack me. The one -’ she lowered her voice - ‘who would sacrifice his life for me.’
His eyes widened and he gulped. Seeing this, Ilami allowed herself to chuckle. ‘You’re the worst flirt, you know that?’
His stunned expression changed to the previous smiling one. ‘A daring girl, you are.’ His eyes moved away from her and Ilami followed them. Aleveri walked toward them. ‘It seems like your handmaiden is coming. I have to go, for a thief of the hearts cannot allow himself being caught.’ With that and a bow, he left her and the library with the grace of a dancer.
‘Who’s that?’ Aleveri asked, carrying three books.
‘A bad Arrapian flirt,’ Ilami said, shaking her head. ‘You look like in the mood of reading.’
Aleveri shrugged. ‘This is nothing. I usually read five books a week. Let’s go,’ she said, as if she was the leader of the two. It seemed like the company of books heightened her level of confidence.
End of chapter
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137,761 Literary Works • 672,064 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Hmm...this seems to be a chapter for some processing I think, the excitement has died down somewhat and its like we're slowly sorting through all the things that took place in the last couple of chapters, and I think that makes for a good flow here in the overall plot of the story.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...so we're cutting right to the middle of another class then. I wonder what this is going to end up being about considering Ilami is dragging someone else away barely telling her anything about what's about to happen.
Hmm...so a week has suddenly passed by, so that's an interesting detail, I suppose after the action packed first day, things remained fairly normal and free of death threats until this incident happened. Ilami having memorized the map is also a really fun detail. I'm also loving the extra bits of detail being infused here and there into this.
OKay...well, apparently she's looking for something perhaps a bit more unconventional than most things...hmm, that's interesting, considering that she's also dragged another student out there to pull this off.
OKay...so this is a little odd, cause she doesn't seem to be asking Aleveri's help in much of what's going on, so I'm wondering why she was also dragged there. The librarian being suspicious of what Ilami's motives maybe is also very interesting to see, cause she's clearly seeing something that we as readers don't at the moment.
Okay...well Aleveri at least manages to get involved finally, I do have to wonder why Ilami is not actively asking anything from her despite dragging her all the way there, but at the very least she is being useful so that's great. Now I suppose we shall soon find out what all of this fuss has been about here.
Ooooh, so she noticed the open animosity that Felaris had, that's not surprisingly, considering Felaris wasn't necessarily being subtle about any of it, and now there's a good chance that maybe Aleveri has at least heard something about whatever went down there and Ilami will know Felaris is being quite that confrontational toward her.
Hmm...well for a rumor that's a fairly thorough one luckily...also the very casual mention of how it is one of few deaths suggesting that there have been multiple deaths in this academy is pretty terrifying, I have no idea how this school remains functioning and popular.
Well..its technically logical from here point of view, she suffered the loss of a sibling, she'll make Alyosha suffer the loss of a sibling, its the old "eye for an eye" situation. Umm the sentence with "Am putting the blame" sounds a bit off, I feel like something's missing there. Otherwise, this is a decent way to reveal the situation to Ilami here.
So...that means she came to the library to figure out that particular thing and she probably assumed it was something she could maybe read in a book and didn't expect a rumor like that one. Hmm...well at any rate, bringing Aleveri there managed to pay off so that's good news.
Hmm, well finding out why you're possibly going to be targeted for a murder and finding a book to learn more information about the world, now that's what I call a proper visit to the library there.
OKay...interesting move there...so we have a random student running in and it looks like an obviously terrible attempt at flirting, or perhaps the customs in the place that whoever this is comes from are just that unique, you can't quite judge it this fast.
OKay..maybe it is flirting after all, at the very least Ilami definitely thinks so and I'm gonna assume she knows more about the customs of that world than I do...at any rate, it should be quite fun to see where this ends up going.
Well...he should be grabbing a napkin on the way out there, he got served...
Jokes aside, this was a fun little interaction there, perhaps one of the only positive ones that I've seen inside this school, we've had so much death threats and fights that you can momentarily forget this is still an academy with mostly teenagers running around.
‘
Well...some subtle flexing there by Aleveri...hmm, looks like at the very least these two are somewhat forming a small friendship here despite the odd reactions we saw when Aleveri first saw Ilami.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this is shaping up to be a pretty interesting chapter here with things taking a sort of step back from the death threats for at least half a chapter. I'm excited to se how this one ends here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I've been really slow getting through these. I think I started this review at the beginning of October so I'm barely going at a snail's pace. This chapter has been overwhelmed with reviews so I'm kinda grasping at straws here trying to find something to comment on.
This chapter was rather calm after what we just experienced in the last one. I was kind of expecting this to just be a different perspective of 5.2, rather than it continuing along the timeline perfectly, just from Illami's point of view. It's almost odd to jump between these scenes so quickly, where I wasn't quite sure when all of this was taking place in relation to the previous parts.
The librarian continues to be the side character that I can appreciate most, as all these different characters are telling little white lies to her, but she gives them the information anyways. She seems very different from the other teachers and school staff that have been included so far, not as military like. Kinda odd for a military school but it's easy to understand the inclusion of a few contrast characters to make it seem a bit lighter.
I also continue to love the descriptions of the library because each time a character gets sent there, it's like you're describing another little section, and they'll hopefully all come together in the end.
Then there's the guy at the end trying to flirt with Illami and she burns him so good. On the first read through, this little scene seemed sort of out of place but I assume it's yet another aspect of this plot that will loop back around in the end.
Out of all of the narrators, I do prefer Felaris over the other ones but that might just be because I haven't seen as many things happen from her perspective so far. Illami and Gael each have a redeeming bit of their perspective on the story line that doesn't make it seem frail or plain, how I often see pieces end up at this point.
Well I guess that's really all I've got to say for now.
See ya around.
~Liz
Hi, Lightsong. Back again to review. Let's get straight to it and see if I can crack the 170 mark tonight.
Nitpicks
'Across' or 'over' would be better because this makes it sound like she's literally wading through the solid material of the floor.
I think there's too big a gap between Aleveri's question and Ilami's response. It makes it seem like she takes ages to answer, which gives the conversation an unnatural rhythm. Maybe try and rearrange it so the paragraph about them walking through the middle section comes after Ilami's dialogue.
Expression. Maybe something like:
In the one week she had been at the academy she had made sure to memorize the map.
Expression. 'The place for the library' is a bit limp. You could have something like this:
They went into the circular section, took the spiraling stairs to the second floor and entered the library.
In this context, you would say that she approved of the shiny walls. 'Approve of' = support/appreciate something. 'Approve' on its own = authorise/accept something.
Neither of them are married (unless they are? Haha - how about that for a plot twist?), so it should be either 'Miss' or 'Ms'.
Should be 'will'. You've mostly sorted the would/will issue, but there are a couple of stragglers every so often.
'Be in the center', you mean.
Personal preference, but I feel like we're overloaded with 'just's. The line would work fine if you took the first one out.
Do you mean 'especially'?
Change it 'stories' so the two bits of dialogue match up.
I wasn't keen on this bit. Ilami is a logical sort so I don't object to her taking this perspective, but the dialogue sort of feels like you're talking through her and voicing Felaris's reasoning for the reader's benefit. Maybe it would be better if it was briefer. If Ilami just said something like "I don't think she's concerned with logic. She just wants someone to blame" then it might feel a bit more natural.
The spelling is actually 'due'.
Bit of a tense slippage fest here. It should be:
Quasar Magica Academy might not have been the most popular institution in Ciraciel due its military approach, but it had earned a high reputation among the institutions (which institutions? Be more specific). Those who sent their children to learn there had to be wealthy; their children had to meet the strict requirements it had set. And most of them were from prominent families.
I think you mean 'prominence'.
You'd normally say that someone captured your heart rather than caught it. 'Caught' just about works, but it's a little weird.
I loved this bit - it's great to see a more ironic, humorous side to Ilami. I'd only suggest changing 'the' to 'my'. 'Schoolwork' also doesn't need an 's' on the end.
Expression. 'Cannot allow himself to be caught' would be more natural.
Expression. 'You look like you're in the mood to read' or 'You look like you're in the mood for reading' would work better.
Overall Thoughts
1) I liked this part, even though it's more low key. It feels like I'm seeing more of Ilami in a normal context, which I quite like. She's so level-headed about things, and I think you capture the strangeness of how she's been raised in a way that's very subtle. It might not be a conscious effort on your part, but it does come through and I like it.
2) While I'm happy that Aleveri is being developed into a substantial character, she does seem quite different to how she was when she was introduced. In 3.2, she was quite dithery and overcome by Ilami's prestige, whereas now she's pretty headstrong and reportedly speaks her mind. It's not a bad thing for a character's personality to change as you write more about them - it's just a natural part of novel writing - but, when you get to redrafting, you might want to edit how she acts in chapter three so that it fits with the rest of her character.
I think you need more development of Aleveri and Ilami's friendship, as well, because it feels like it's been sprung on us a bit. Also, how old is Aleveri? She shares classes with Ilami so she presumably must be a first year, but that doesn't fit with the idea of her being a prefect. At my secondary school, you could only become a prefect in your last year, when you were fifteen going on sixteen. The standard for prefects is for them to be in about their fifth or seventh year at school - somewhere between the fifteen to eighteen range - so I assumed Aleveri was a good four or five years older than Ilami at least. If you want to keep her as a prefect, I think she needs ageing up. The idea of a thirteen-year-old having seniority over students years above them is very bizarre to me.
3) The flirting scene made me laugh, if only because it showed a more humorous side to Ilaimi. I don't mind that it doesn't particularly influence the plot - it's good to have an opportunity to laugh every now and then, and it gives quite a bit of insight into Ilami's personality.
4) I definitely have to second Mea in saying that it's strange Ilami and Aleveri weren't more curious to find out more about Alyosha's connection to Arafel's death. If Ilami wanted to know why Felaris had a grudge against her, surely she'd also want to find out whether Felaris vendetta against Alyosha had any actual weight. She brushes it off very easily.
I'll call the review there! I hope it helped. Your writing style is getting stronger with each chapter and I'm super into the novel now, despite the nitpicky errors I get at in my critiques. I love how it's all coming together.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Hi there Lightsong. I seem to keep getting lost because of the folder that this novel is located in being called "Dancer of the Fire Blade". Fortunately I ended up figuring out that oh, that's probably Ilami the title is talking about. Without further ado, let's delve right in because I'm rather tired and need to make sure I squeeze in a review for the day.
I'm a little confused--are Ilami and Aleveri now friends? I wasn't quite sure before but the two seem to be close to each other and with all these characters circulating I can't wait to see the interactions between all of them. Ilami, Gael, Felaris, Aleveri, Baris and all of the other characters. I can't wait to see the dynamics between all of them and I hope that this novel keeps a nice-sized cast.
Another question I have: How many houses are there? Two? More than two? Four? This is probably information that I forgot about because I have a terrible memory after reviewing a couple different novels and don't want to incorrectly mix up information if I can avoid that. >> If there's a large book the size of a dictionary on the heftier side (this is what I'm imagining when Mrs. Welewa gives her that book). Seeing Ilami and Aleveri discuss Felaris is also an interesting point of the chapter because this is part of the character interaction that I wanted.
This paragraph didn't make sense to me? I'd suggest rewording for clarity. Furthermore, while the chapter isn't all that interesting in plot but there is character development for both Ilami and Areveli as well as new details uncovered that we didn't know about previously. I've seen better chapters but of course this isn't the worst, there's just not a whole lot done exceptionally either. Overall, not bad.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.
I would introduce myself, but you already know me and it is conveniently in black ink right above my review, and it's probably pretty obvious what I'm here to do, so I'll skip all that and jump right into the review.
I would rephrase this to "It smelled of sweat and dirt," just because it seems more natural.That's not the slippery slope fallacy. Slippery slope means that since A might lead to Z, we should not do A. There isn't really a fallacy here; the argument juts doesn't make sense.
You're using severe and serious as synonyms here, and they're really not, so it would be better to say 'serious'.
You did a better job showing this time, but I did catch one spot where you let it slide a little bit. It was a paragraph where you talked about how Ilami and Alveri were in different houses, here:
This would be better shown through dialogue instead of just narration, since it's both an info dump and it's very obvious that you're just shoving that information in there to make sure the reader knows. The latter part of that paragraph should also be shown just through their personalities, and if you really feel that it needs to be reiterated, you can say it by having the following conversation, or something like it:
Aleveri: Personally, I think that [insert popular subject/class/whatever] is overrated.
Ilami: Don't say that! Someone might here you and get upset.
Aleveri: I've never cared about what people thought about me.
Ilami *chuckles*: Sometimes you can be too outspoken, though. You should be careful around some people with that.
I also felt that the flirting was underdeveloped. It added a nice touch, but it was left on the back burner and didn't seem to influence the story a lot. It wasn't a huge plot point, it didn't tell us anything new about the characters or deliberately reinforce some character trait. If you wanted it to be some sort of subplot, like Ilami has a crush on somebody but a bunch of other guys keep flirting with her, then that would be a nice touch, but right now it's just so underdeveloped it's hard to establish as a substantial plot point.
Overall, I'm still really enjoying this series and how all the pieces of the puzzle are starting to fall into place. You've crafted very intelligent and fierce characters,and I can sense a large confrontation coming on that I'm really looking forward to. All your characters are very motivated, and the plot is complicated enough that I can't predict what'll happen next but I can still follow what you've already written.
Best wishes and RevMo cheer,
MJ
Thanks for the review! The flirting scene is indeed unnecessary to the plot, but it does introduce Hazir in a proper way after he's mentioned in previous chapters.
Back for another review!
I'm surprised that Ilami doesn't think or wonder more about what actually happened to Arafel. How well does she know her brother? Right now, as far as I know, she's never really spoken to him and has no relationship with him. Does she suspect that Alyosha might have something to do with it, or does she immediately dismiss that as a possibility? It's just weird that she seems to have no opinion on what happened. Shouldn't she at least wonder why Arafel was saying Alyosha had killed him? Aside from her initial surprise, she doesn't seem to have any emotional response to this.
(Also, I think you meant "thought" instead of "taught" and "Am putting the blame" should be "Is putting the blame" since the speaker is talking about a different person.")
This whole encounter with the guy made me laugh, but this was easily the best part.
I'm glad we're seeing more of Aleveri - I really like her and I like watching her relationship with Ilami develop. This is a shorter chapter, but I think it's a good scene to have because of the character development and the added immersion in the setting. I like the details we get to see as we move through the chapter. We mostly just need more of Ilami's reaction to what she's learned (and Aleveri's reaction as well, now that I think about it). I feel like Aleveri would be worried about the vendetta Felaris has.
And that's all I've got! Sorry for the slightly shorter review.
Thanks for the review! I'm glad you like Aleveri - I want to make her as an another smart character but I don't want her to act like Gael. In fact, I hope the other half of this chapter would highlight that.