Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okay, a promising start to chapter twenty five What happened to twenty four...I can't find it anywhere? although towards the end of this particular part, things got a little bit iffy there, and I feel like the story is continuing in the same circle over and over again now.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The Ring of Concealment was an artifact that could completely render its wearer and the people she chose around her invisible. Once you wore it, people couldn’t hear, see, and smell you. It was the perfect stealth tool – Seya loved it. Now it had been broken into two, and half of it was sewn into a necklace while another into another necklace. The effect was still the same. You only needed to dip it into your blood and chanted the ancient Esteese spell.

Felaris gave the other necklace to Veris. ‘Take care of it with your life,’ she said sharply. This was her father’s artifact she stole, after all.

Veris smiled and cloaked himself and Gael. Felaris did the same for Seya, Ilami, and her. It was the weekend’s night. Most of the students had went to their house to spend time with their family. Understandable, given the academy, without interesting classes like combat class, was dull. Silently, they moved toward the Natron’s office, carefully not to touch with other objects – they might be cloaked, but people could still hear when something fell.

They had checked the Natron’s office beforehand, making sure that the priest already left the academy. Kestari usually used the office only when the academy’s events had something to do with his church. He hadn’t been seen entering it since a couple of days ago. Felaris gave her thanks to Wermin, her long-lost goddess, as they arrived in front of the office. Nothing had stopped them so far. Now it was time to break into the room.

The girls and she entered it while Veris and Gael guarded outside. She glanced at Ilami and frowned when she saw Ilami checking her surrounding and biting her lip. Whatever.

She turned to the surrounding in front of her. ‘There should be a door somewhere,’ she said. The place was minimal in decoration. Apart from the obligatory desk, chairs, and a cupboard, there was nothing much in the spacious room. It was for professional use, after all, and one that wasn’t used often. Maybe the Natron preferred his office at the church. There was no way you could guess this was there the experimentation happened.

The cupboard revealed a door behind it. Silver-crusted door, with magical patterns adorned all over it. Felaris couldn’t be sure if they were based from Natural letters or ancient Esteese, but she couldn’t care less. She did wonder how Veris could find this door if it took the three of them, all Fighter students, to remove the cupboard. Maybe he used a Lio spell. Dangerous, since earth-based spells generally left a mark.

‘No, you’re wrong,’ Ilami whispered.

What is she talking about?

Seya twisted the doorknob and shook her head. ‘It’s locked.’

Felaris rolled her eyes. ‘As if that’s a problem to you.’

The door revealed a walkway, wide enough for the three of them. Silver-studded walls led the way to another door. From their angle, it seemed like a five-minutes walk. Other than that, it was nothing. Everything had happened so peacefully. It was too good to be true, but Felaris couldn’t pinpoint out what exactly was off about all of this.

‘Wow,’ Ilami murmured. ‘This – I don’t think this is Natural magic. Or blood magic, even.’

‘It doesn’t matter,’ Felaris said, entering the walkway. Seya followed her while Ilami entered last.

Once they opened the door at the other end, Felaris had to laugh. Of course everything had to go wrong. It had nothing to do with the empty, spacious room in front of them. It didn’t scream, ‘We experiment people here!’, which was a disappointment, but she preferred that than having to face the people waiting for them there. Two people she hated the most and would love to kill.

Venaria and Kestari stood in front of them. A couple of Kestari’s priests were behind them, readying themselves for a fight. Combat priests. Surely from the best. They didn’t have a chance if they were to fight them. They’d been cloaked though, so surely from these people’s eyes they were invisible. And that was her eyes caught the ring Kestari wore. Black and white, a contrast to her transparent one. An artifact that could counter hers. The Ring of Enlightment.

Felaris turned to her, eyes sharp. ‘Did you tell your mum about this? Is that why she’s here, waiting for us?’ She walked toward Ilami, steps slow but surely, fist ready to punch her stomach.

Her movement was stopped by a water sphere forming around her, trapping her. It lifted her to the air. The same went to Ilami and Seya. Each of them was trapped with a water sphere. She looked at the priests. One of them was holding his hands out, uttering something. A Serra-blessed spell. Of course.

Kestari clapped and smiled his fake smile. ‘Now, now. There’s no need to be violent here, is there?’

Felaris stared at the thin fluid barrier trapping her. She could chant a spell that created an air blast and pierced it. Serra-blessed people weren’t known as the fighter type. The three of them could fight them – fire and water could make a lethal combination. She wouldn’t let them get her without a fight. She –

Felaris couldn’t focus on his words. They were so close. She knew for certain they’d arrived to the place Arafel had went. Something must’ve happened in this spacious room. Kestari’s priests must’ve emptied it in anticipation for their arrival. But how? If it wasn’t Ilami who told them, who did? Did someone else outside of their group knew about their plan? How about Veris and Gael? They’d told the boys to alert them if someone was in the vicinity.

The water spheres suddenly shrunk, taking the shape of their hostages until they barely enveloped them. She tried to move her hand, pressing it against the water layer, but to no avail. It stopped her movement.

‘By now, you can only move your legs,’ the Serra-blessed priest whispered.

‘Stop struggling. Do what he said,’ Venaria said, not looking at them.

Hey there! Very interesting read! Unfortunately, by the time you get to Chapter 25, it can be a little difficult to understand everything that's going on in the story, even for those who have been following since the beginning. I would suggest having a couple sentences to recap the last couple of chapters and briefly introduce/remind us of the characters. It isn't something you see in chapter books, but it something that authors writing series do in the first couple pages or paragraphs of the book (or in a prologue), just to introduce any new readers and familiarize returning fans. I personally think that on platforms like Young Writers' Society, it makes more sense to do that than to start cold, especially after several chapters. It's certainly impressive, though, to see how far this piece has come and where you're going with it!

A couple of nitpicky things that I noticed while reading it.

You mention "The Ring of Englightment." I assume you mean the "Ring of Enlightenment," but maybe I'm wrong about that? I wanted to bring it to your attention because if you meant the latter, it's a rather ironic (but totally understandable) typo.

Also, this piece is not rated strongly enough for the language used. It needs to be an 18+ rating because you used the F-word. In addition, the word was entirely unnecessary and did not convey anything useful or relevant about the piece or the characters or the plot. It was absolutely pointless to include and makes the entire piece inappropriate and undesirable to read, which is unfortunate, because it was otherwise very enjoyable. Please change either the word or the rating. It is not acceptable to have, let alone in anything less than 18+.

toboldlygo

Hi, Lightsong! It's been too long. Sorry it's taken a while for me to get to this - I'm so ridiculously busy at the minute. I also apologise for any hiccups in this review, because it's been ages since I read this story and can't quite remember where we left off.

Minor changes are in blue, as always.

Small Comments

The Ring of Concealment was an artifact that could completely render its wearer and the people she chose around her invisible. Once you wore it, people couldn’t hear, see, and smell you. It was the perfect stealth tool – Seya loved it. Now it had been broken into two, and half of it was sewn into a necklace while another into another necklace. The effect was still the same. You only needed to dip it into your blood and chanted the ancient Esteese spell.

Felaris gave the other necklace to Veris. ‘Take care of it with your life,’ she said sharply. This was her father’s artifact she stole, after all.

Veris smiled and cloaked himself and Gael. Felaris did the same for Seya, Ilami, and her.

She glanced at Ilami and frowned when she saw Ilami her checking her surroundings and biting her lip. Whatever.

‘No, you’re wrong,’ Ilami whispered.

What is she talking about?

‘This is such a risky plan,’ Ilami murmured.

Felaris shoot her a glance. ‘Shut up.’ She was getting annoyed with Ilami’s nonsense.

Once they opened the door at the other end, Felaris had to laugh. Of course everything had to go wrong. It had nothing to do with the empty, spacious room in front of them. It didn’t scream, ‘We experiment people here!’, which was a disappointment, but she preferred that than having to face the people waiting for them there. Two people she hated the most and would love to kill.

Fuck.

She could chant a spell that created an air blast and pierced it. Serra-blessed people weren’t known as the fighter type. The three of them could fight them – fire and water could make a lethal combination. She wouldn’t let them get her without a fight. She –

‘Stop it, Felaris,’ Seya said, sighing.