Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okayy...well, this chapter had some big reveals in. Despite the lack of action, I find myself very excited to see what happens next...I feel like there is something big going on in this school that we only see small hints of. This Restricted Area is very very suspicious at the moment.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Ilami gasped and blinked. ‘What?’

Mother stared at her. ‘Promise me you’ll keep this as a secret or else I will not tell you any further.’

Ilami’s mind was racing. Mother never acted like this. She definitely would not want to trust Ilami this secret, not unless she thought Ilami was worth it. And somehow, unwittingly, Ilami did. Without knowing who was Gael and how significant he was to Mother, Ilami intervened the bullying he had to endure and was rewarded with this tightly-kept secret. Her heart was racing. What could the secret be?

Oooh, okay, interesting line of thought there, hmm, looks like maybe Ilami had a few more things in mind when she stepped up for Gael. I thought it was simply because she wasn't a big fan of Baris and wanted to do the right thing.

She nodded. ‘I promise.’ Now just tell me.

Mother sighed and, closing her eyes, rubbed the temples of her head. ‘Last year, I traveled to Siras, a village at the outskirt of Estagrian, spending my holiday there. Truth be told, I was more attracted to the prospect of searching for new aquatic creatures at the sea near it. Siras was one of the places that wasn’t explored extensively, so I made it my project to find whatever I could there.

Hmm, okay it looks like Mrs. Veneria Oh gosh please tell me I remembered that name correctly is going to start right from the beginning for this. It looks like maybe she really wants to give Ilami the absolute full picture here rather than just brush past and tell her some random thing. That's a good sign in favor of her.

‘Unfortunately, a month staying there resulted to nothing. The Glittering Sea proved to be as mysterious as it was beautiful. Ordinary creatures lurked in its surface, and if there was any hint for rare ones, it was just that - a hint. A trace of movement at the edge of my eyes before it disappeared when I focused on it. An unfamiliar sound that ceased when I tried to listen to intently. There was something beyond what I saw, no doubt, but it was clear it did not want to be found.’

‘And then?’ Ilami asked, tapping her feet.

Well, we can all relate to Ilami's bit of impatience there...her mother did go off on a slight tangent, but I do think it manages to be in character for the two of them here and I actually thing her starting that way is what's best for the story.

‘I heard news about a boy whose cleverness would earn him respect if only he had the blessing to go along with it. I was intrigued. Who was he? Why didn’t he had any blessing? I asked around. The people in Siras were a friendly lot, and soon I had the location of Gael. I might not be able to gather the information I aimed, but I made sure to not leave with nothing.

And so I visited Gael. He lived in a modest house made of wood with his parents, Gaelar and Nila Xikara. Gaelar was the village’s best healer, having Serra’s bless. Many would claim his skill was comparable to a member of the House Uora. You should know this, seeing you are friend with Aleveri Uora. Nila wasn’t any less reputable, either. She was a scholar, studying extensively the history and nature of the Naturals, long before they came to Estagria. They weren’t wealthy, but their importance in society would put even some of the higher houses to shame.’

Wow her mother knows pretty much everything I suppose. I love he she very casually bring up Aleveri and their friendship and states it as a simple fact. Also hmm, good to see we're finally some of Gael's backstory. His one is perhaps the one we know least of so far, so this is good to see, especially to get an idea of what his village and friends are like.

Mother paused, letting Ilami to absorb the information. She found it wonderful. Gael must’ve inherited Nila’s brain, and if he was blessed, Gaelar could mentor him to be as skilled as Gaelar. What was more interesting was Mother’s tone when delivering all of this information. She didn’t sound as if she hid a hidden motive; instead, she found genuinely excited of the prospect of finding an unusual kid... like a teacher. She said it with the air of a teacher.

Ilami frowned. Mother wasn’t like this in this house; could it be possible that Mother simply had multiple layers of her?

Of course mothers have multiple layers, that what makes them interesting characters, but hmm, at any rate, I really like how quizzical Ilami is being about this whole situation and trying to observe it from as objective a view as possible. The detail about how Mrs. Veneria really seems to genuinely care here is really a good few points in favor that maybe she's not as bad as we're led to believe on occasion.

Ilami’s scrutinizing expression must’ve been obvious as Mother raised her eyebrow, but she didn’t say anything and continued. ‘I asked, like everyone else, about the reason Gael didn’t have a bless. And, as to everyone else, they refused to tell me.’ Mother smiled. ‘I had my methods, however. To their surprise, I told them I had interest to put Gael into the academy. It baffled them, though I thought the reason would be obvious: the academy was for people who wanted to learn about Natural magic. It wasn’t exclusive for those with a blessing, but it didn’t stop those without to lose interest in learning the magic.

Okay...so she does happen to be a good negotiator of sorts as well. That's also rather fun to see here. She really is a pretty accomplished character and perhaps Jaxin is very right in the way he thinks of her, having known her for a while, he does know that Mrs. Veneria is a good person at least on the inside even though some of her actions are questionable.

‘They eventually agreed to tell me, but with one condition: I had to keep it as a secret. I promised them I would.’

Ilami leaned forward, her eyes widened. ‘What was it? What made Gael lose his blessing?’

‘On the day of Gael’s tenth birthday, a mysterious figure visited him. It was night and he was sleeping before the subtle sound of a step awakened him. He wasn’t much of a heavy sleeper - even having a cat meowing nearby would wake him up. Anyway, when the figure approached, its features were concealed by the darkness of the room. What he could notice by the time he adjusted to the darkness was the shape of it - a woman shape. She scared him so much he couldn’t speak and move. He stayed there on his bed like a statue, staring at her without blinking.

Oh dear, wow this is taking a turn that I was not expecting. I was thinking of maybe a freak accident of some kind or some kind of spell gone wrong, but this is much more mysterious and opens up so many more possibilities, I honestly feel like this woman could be like Serra herself or something, come to do something for some ulterior motive of sorts.

‘She kissed his forehead and he could feel the overflowing sensation of coldness seeping into him. He was the ocean; he was the rain; he was the snow. He felt he was a part of nature. When the woman leaned back, the sensation was gone in a flash. Everything turned to the way it was, the coolness he registered the normal one of the night. The woman disappeared. The next day, Gael attempted incomplete, one-word Natural spells. Unlike before, nothing happened. That was what Gael told his parents. And nothing is happening to this day.’

Ilami found her mouth open slightly and closed it. What a mystery! she thought. Finally, something interesting. Life here is so boring. ‘That’s it? Someone creepy kissed him and suddenly he lost his blessing? And no one knows why?’

Well llami doesn't seem to think much of it, that was a really funny little twist there, I was expecting her to have much more of a reaction to that description than this here...but i suppose it is fair of her to think this way about it.

Mother raised a finger. ‘Keep in mind that, not counting Gael, only three people know about this - his parents and I. Nila and I are still trying to understand how the woman’s arrival connect to Gael’s lost of blessing. Since we keep this in private, we cannot utilize however much resources as we want, lest others would notice there is something going on that we don’t want to reveal. I telling you this will bring the anger and worry of Nila and Gaelar, no doubt, but I trust you. Learn as much as you can from and about Gael, and report to me whatever you find.’

Okay...wait a minute, did she just ask Ilami to essentially help her observe Gael like its a pet project of some sort? I get where she is coming from and she genuinely seems to want to understand and help him, but the way she says it here is really suspicious.

‘You - you want me to spy on Gael, immediately after I befriend him?’ Ilami rose up, trying hard to keep her fists by her side. Perhaps Mother was interested by Gael. Perhaps she cared about him. But it seemed like it was more of a scholar’s curiosity, one that didn’t care if the subject was betrayed by his friend. ‘Why don’t you just ask him? He can tell you whatever you want to know.’

Mother shook her head slightly. ‘You jump into conclusion so quickly, Ilami. I don’t ask you to spy on Gael. I ask you to supervise him. You can tell him I make you do this - I don’t plan to keep my intention as a secret.’

OKay, good that her mother did give an explanation, I do believe her mother isn't lying and she didn't mean it to sound the way it did, but she really does need to work on delivering lines like that.

Ilami gritted her teeth. ‘How can I trust you, Mother?’ She grabbed her hand that started shaking. Memory came back to her, a nightmare that often intruded her sleep. ‘You didn’t tell me I had to kill the man for my final test. He told me about it and begged me to kill him when he knew he had lose. When - when he knew his family was at risk if both of us survived. How can I trust you have Gael’s interest in mind when you forced me to take another person’s life?’ And I’m eleven, for Xesar’s sake. I shouldn’t be a killer this young. I shouldn’t be a killer at all.

Mother was silent. She opened her mouth, then closed it. ‘There are things you don’t understand, Ilami. Things that you aren’t ready to understand. I do all of this for the sake of not just you, Gael and me, but for the country. For Estagria and its people.’

Hmm, well that's a classic excuse. Ilami's argument there is very much valid for her wanting to know mere...and here we finally see a little more of how the incident bothers here at least a little, and well the answer there leaves a bit to be desired, it looks like Mrs. Veneria is one who things so far into the future of things that she sometimes forgets to see the present.

Hotness flowed through her cheek, and Ilami was shocked to find out it was tears. Her tears. The last time she cried, it was because of the man. And this time, it was because of him too. She couldn’t forget his blood on her hands. Killing people for the sake of Estagria? How was that possible? She turned away from Mother.

‘I’ll do what you asked,’ she said, wiping her tears. ‘But only because I want Gael to have his blessing back. Your twisted idea of doing this the country can go to hell. And also, I want to know.’

‘What is it that you want to know?’

Hmm, well at least they have come to a sort of compromise situation here regarding the man, that's probably better than what might have happened so perhaps the mother and daughter will remain on somewhat good terms for the moment.

Ilami turned back, staring sharply at Mother. ‘His name. The man I killed. I don’t want to remember him as a nameless guy; I want to take this guilt knowing I killed a named man who had a family. Tell me this and I’ll supervise Gael.’

Mother kept her silence, but not for too long. ‘His name was Zivil. Zivil Ayesis.’

Zivil Ayesis, Ilami thought. I’ll remember the name until I die. The first person I killed. ‘Consider the deal’s done.’ With that, she left the room, not caring about Mother.

HOLD ON A MINUTE....the student who died in the restricted area was Dayel Ayesis I think?? This man mentioned something about how his family was in danger from Mrs. Veneria and this student with the same last name dies in the school?? I don't that's a coincidence. Something is very wrong here...something is definitely going on...and Ilami's mother is behind it somehow. Maybe that's how she keeps things from getting out to the public? Then I think we have to believe Felaris' claims too...oh wow, so much to think about here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, well my theory senses are tingling...and ahh, this is getting very exciting now. I can't wait to get to the next part and see where this story is going to take us here.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hi, Lightsong. Back again to review.

Nitpicks

She definitely would not want to trust Ilami this secret, not unless she thought Ilami was worth it. And somehow, unwittingly, Ilami did.

1) Missing word. It should be 'trust Ilami with this secret'.

2) I think 'worthy of it' is probably the more natural way to express it.

3) Ilami did what? I didn't get what you were saying in that second sentence.

Without knowing who was Gael

Just a small issue with word order. Should be 'who Gael was'.

Ilami intervened the bullying he had to endure and was rewarded with this tightly-kept secret.

Again, just a few tiny expression issues. Have something like:

Ilami had intervened in the bullying he'd had to endure and was now being rewarded with this tightly-kept secret.

rubbed the temples of her head.

Just say 'rubbed her temples'. People will know what you mean.

a village at the outskirt of Estagrian

1) This should be 'outskirts'. 'Outskirt' without the 's' does exist, but I don't think I've ever heard it used.

2) Isn't the country called Estagra? I though Estagrian was the adjective form.

Why didn’t he had any blessing?

Should be 'have'.

I might not be able to gather the information I aimed, but I made sure to not leave with nothing.

Tense issues. Should be something like:

I might not have been able to gather the information I aimed for, but I made sure that I didn't leave with nothing.

Gaelar was the village’s best healer, having Serra’s bless.

Did you mean 'blessing'?

Many would claim his skill was comparable to a member of the House Uora. You should know this, seeing you are friend with Aleveri Uora.

The line needs tinkering with to be more cohesive. As it is, it sounds like Mother is telling Ilami that she should know about Gaelar's skill because she knows Aleveri, which I don't think is what you're trying to say. Perhaps have something like:

Many would claim his skill was comparable to a member of the House Uora -
a house you should know a great deal about, given your friendship with Aleveri Uora.

They weren’t wealthy, but their importance in society would put even some of the higher houses to shame.

Gaelar could mentor him to be as skilled as Gaelar.

I think you need to rephrase this to get rid of the repetition, because it kind of sounds like you're talking about two different Gaelars.

instead, she found genuinely excited of the prospect

1) 'Found' isn't right in this context. I'd substitute it with 'seemed' - that's the most appropriate verb here.

2) You get excited at or by something rather than of it.

Ilami frowned. Mother wasn’t like this in this house; could it be possible that Mother simply had multiple layers of her?

I think you should delete this bit. It feels too much like you're trying to tell the reader what to think.

Gael didn’t have a bless.

The fact that I've seen this twice makes me wonder if 'bless' is just a colloquial word for 'blessing' in Ilami's world. If so, try to use it earlier in the story so it doesn't come across like a mistake.

And nothing is happening to this day.

Change this to 'has happened'.

how the woman’s arrival connect to Gael’s lost of blessing.

1) This should either be 'connects' or 'connected'. Both will work, though I think I prefer the first.

2) Should be 'loss'.

You can tell him I make you do this

'I'm making you' or 'I've made you' would be appropriate tenses here. However, part of me thinks 'make' is too forceful a verb for Mother to use, especially if she's trying to convince Ilami to do what she wants. It might sound better if you had:

You can tell him I've asked you to do this

It's just a bit less aggressive-sounding, but it's up to you. Either way, the tenses need changing.

he knew he had lose

This should be 'had to lose'.

Gael’s interest in mind

Should be 'interests'.

Hotness flowed through her cheek

I think you should change this to 'down' or 'over', because 'through' makes it sound like the tears are pushing through her skin or something.

Your twisted idea of doing this the country can go to hell.

Did you mean 'doing this for the country'?

‘Consider the deal’s done.’

Should just be 'deal', no apostrophe 's'.

With that, she left the room, not caring about Mother.

I think this last line would have more impact and be less tell-y if you deleted this bit. This is a pretty subjective nitpick, though, so it's up to you.

Overall Thoughts

1) Interesting! Intriguing! We have to assume that Gael's blessing was taken away for a reason, and that Ilami's mother wants to know what that reason is. Or is she interested in the means by which it was done? We can't know, but I'm fascinated to find out more about this. Initially, I was sure that Mother's motivations were going to be purely malevolent, but this chapter has given me hope that it might not be as simple as that. I hope you continue to develop Mother into a more multi-faceted character, as she's far more interesting to me now than she used to be.

2) As Mea pointed out, some parts of Mother's story are a bit too lyrical and fancy for someone so practically-minded. I think the worst offending paragraphs are those where she describes the woman showing up and kissing Gael - I think you're trying so hard to create atmosphere that your forget what tone is appropriate for dialogue. The whole passage could do with being a bit briefer, less detailed, and more peppered with characteristics of speech. Read it out loud to test whether it feels 'real' enough. Storytelling dialogue is no easy feat to get right, though, so you do have my deepest sympathies!

3) I can't fully understand Ilami's emotions about having killed the man. They don't seem...I don't know, consistent? She's obviously cut up about it here, but this is basically the only time it's affected her since she actually killed the guy. The emotional baggage isn't heavy enough - she seems to be able to put it down whenever it's not convenient for her, then pick it up again when the story calls for it. You need to work on that in redrafting. Either make her less affected on the whole - she could be angry that Mother made her do it, but fairly unfeeling about the murder itself - or change it so she's more obviously plagued by what she's done. Make her feel guilty even when it's inconvenient to the story. The trauma of the murder shouldn't be something that ever leaves her alone; even when she's being stoic about it, we should be able to tell that she's deliberately blocking the memories out rather than them just not being there.

4) Even though I have enjoyed chapter nine, I do think now is the time for the story to get moving again. It feels like it's been quite a while since anything drastic happened, and while slower-paced sections are crucial to world and character building, you can't neglect the main plot for too long. Now would be the time to introduce another shift in the status quo. It's been a long time since you touched upon the mysterious business that Gael happened upon in the restricted area, and I keep wondering when you're going to come back to that.

I'll leave the review here. Another great chapter; sorry it took so long for me to get a critique done. Going with the recent pattern, can we expect a Felaris chapter next? I feel like it's been quite a while since we've seen her. Whichever perspective it is, I'm looking forward to it.

Keep writing!
~Pan

And back again. Sorry if these reviews are a little more incoherent than normal - I'm using a voice recognition thing to type this since my wrists hurt.

Okay, I'm actually really surprised that Ilami's mother is going to trust her with this secret. It shows that she thinks Ilami is actually competent. I had thought that she didn't think very highly of Ilami, except for her fighting ability. I really like that we're seeing multiple layers of her mother, but that you also remind us how she's done some really awful things like making Ilami kill that man. That being said, I think you could show her change in demeanor more in her dialogue and body language. Personally, while I noticed a slight difference, I wasn't sure if the change was intentional or not or if I was reading too much into it until Alami pointed it out. It should be more obvious.

She kissed his forehead and he could feel the overflowing sensation of coldness seeping into him. He was the ocean; he was the rain; he was the snow.

This part, and some other parts of the story, felt too detailed and specific - it didn't feel like Ilami's mother, who is a pretty straightforward woman, would tell the story like this. Especially the metaphors at the end here just seem unlikely for her to say.

‘That’s it? Someone creepy kissed him and suddenly he lost his blessing? And no one knows why?’

This made me laugh! It's totally what Ilami would say in response to that story.

Learn as much as you can from and about Gael, and report to me whatever you find.’

Aaah, this makes sense. I'm still a little surprised that her mother trusts her with this secret, but now I understand the ulterior motive behind it.

The confrontation at the end was really good. Seriously, Ilami's outburst especially helped to bring back the tension that was lacking before. The way she brought it back to the man she killed really helped to tie her distrust and uncertainty together. The stark contrast between how normal her mother has seemed for the last few scenes and the reality that her mother forced her to kill someone in cold blood is really creepy. At the end, Ilami wanting to know the name of the man was the best part. Overall the scene just really worked for me.

Her mother's excuse is vague, but intriguing. I'm sure eventually will find out whatever her justifications are. Of course, it doesn't really make her more sympathetic right now since we have no idea whether or not to believe her.

It's a short chapter, so I think I'll leave my critique here for now. Can't wait for the next part!