‘I’m going to check some books,’ Gael said, rising up. The history book was in his hand. ‘Wait for me.’
‘Be quick. I can’t stand this boredom.’ Haka rested his head on the table, his eyes half-close.
Gael smiled and went to the shelves area of the library. The place was huge and could pass as a main hall. Five Gaels were needed to reach its ceiling, made by bricks, which was the main component for the walls too. Tiles plastered on the floor, shining azure and white as they reflected the magic-infused lights planted on the ceiling, each of them diamond-like in shape. the brightness was kept dim, encouraging the inhabitants to slow down their actions.
Gael reached the shelve at the corner of the room. It provided books of the history of Estagra and other countries such as Edrin, Linh-Zhe, and Arxios. He reached the middle part of it that specified history books for Arxios. His knowledge of the country started his intrigue. If he wasn’t mistaken, Arxios was a country as large as a continent and used to belong to the Naturals. At that time, Naturals existed as a race until most of them were destroyed by Hollows, their traditional enemies.
The four only surviving Naturals entered Estagra, a country beyond the mountains that inexplicably couldn’t be penetrated by the Hollows, and became their deities. Lio became the God of Justice; Xesar the God of Wrath; Wermin the Goddess of Freedom; and Serra the Goddess of Wisdom. Under their rules, they bestowed Estagrians with magic, allowing Estagrians to create and manipulate the basics of nature. Gael took a deep breath. The entire history of Estagra was interesting; Arxios’ should be more.
While he checked for the book with a competent author, darkness at the edge of his vision caught his attention. He looked up and saw the stairs leading to the next floor. Darkness darkened the path, unlit by light diamonds. A sign stood at the foot of the stairs - Do not enter without permission. He had been wondering about it. As long as he had been in the library, no one entered the area. Not even a student with the sense of mischief attempted to set foot onto the stairs for some unknown reasons. Perhaps they were known and Gael was just too new here to be informed.
Realizing he was still holding a book, he slipped it between the others in the shelf and approached the stairs. He looked around him, making sure no one saw what he was doing. With careful but quick steps, he entered the darkness. As he stood still a few steps from the foot of the stairs, he watched as the others didn’t notice what he had done, and stayed there for a bit more to adjust to the darkness. Then, he continued his ascending, both his hands making fists at his side.
Once he arrived at the first floor, he scanned his surrounding. He still wasn’t able to figure what were at the place, but he could find shines here and there, reflecting the dim moonlight peering from the skylight nearby. He assumed these were glasses, glass cases that stored something in them. He couldn’t see exactly what they were, so he stepped closer to one of the glass cases. He moved his face nearer to it and squinted his eyes. What was stored in it was long with one seemed to be a hilt at the top of it. He widened his eyes - perhaps this was a sword? But what was it doing in this academy library?
He moved to another glass case and, to his surprise, suspected it held another artifact - a shield, with how it was round in shape and had a curve that was prominent at the middle of it. He placed his palm on the glass and felt its coolness. He wiped it and found no dust on it. It seemed like the area was taken care off frequently.
Then, he heard the whispers.
‘I’m still looking for the grimoire, master. I’m sure it’s hidden somewhere in these shelves.’ The voice was raspy, not belonging to a human. A dwarf, then? What could it possibly do here? Dwarfs usually went to help human constructors - they were known to have a vast knowledge about buildings, not to mention their magic involved moving things around.
‘I’ve asked of it yesterday - what takes you so long to find it?’ The other voice, definitely human’s this time, growled. ‘Stupid dwarf. I will come back tonight, and I expect it here waiting for me.’
‘Yes, master.’
Gael could hear hushed footsteps and he was alarmed to realize they became louder. He turned back, looking for the stairs, and wasn’t able to find it. Desperate to get away from the strangers, he made an effort to move away, only to stumble on something and fall. From the sound of the object rolling on the floor, he suspected the human and dwarf had heard it.
‘It seems like we have an intruder,’ said the man, a hint of malice in his voice.
The dwarf grumbled. ‘No one is supposed to be here. The sign says it quite clearly.’He paused. ‘Now we have to deal with the person.’
‘You deal with him. I have better things to do.’ There was a flash of light and a whoosh before everything turned to darkness again.
Gael felt his heart stuck at the throat when the footsteps continued, each sound clearer than the one before. He tried to get up but someone grabbed the hem of his blue student tunic and as he was held up, he could see the details of a dwarf’s face inches away from his. He could smell wood and fresh air. A pair of small, brown eyes stared at him, wrinkles and lines aging the dwarf’s face.
The dwarf frowned, but it was not of anger. ‘You shouldn’t be here,’ he whispered urgently. ‘If master finds you - if the others find you - you’d be dead. This is a forbidden area.’
Gael searched for strength to speak. ‘I - I know that. I just didn’t know it’s this serious.’
‘Look, I’m not looking forward to dealing with you. Master’s alone is enough. But you have to get out of here.’ The dwarf held up his hand, a light diamond floating on it. ‘This thing will guide you to the ground floor.’ His grip on Gael’s hem tightened. ‘Just remember my word - do not ever go up here.’
Gael nodded vigorously, anxious to get away from the creepy place and its strange people. His curiosity had sent trouble in his way as usual. The dwarf released him and stepped back while the light diamond stayed floating before flying away. He stood up and followed it in a hurry, not bothering to glance back at the dwarf. It flew below, prompting him to slow down his steps as he felt the descending stair steps. When he found the dim light source belonging to the library, relief rushed towards him like oxygenated-filled blood. The light diamond dropped as it arrived the foot of the stairs, but he quickly caught it.
He slipped it into his pocket, realizing he could keep it as his and went to the history section of the library. He grabbed the book about Arxion and went back to the main area of the library, a tables-filled spot. Haka was nowhere to be found there. Sighing, he went to the librarian’s counter, a high curvaceous desk that met the sides of the wall, permanently separating the librarian’s area with the student’s. The female librarian processed his borrowing with zero interest and he exited the place.
Outside, Haka waited for him, leaning against the balcony. He yawned. ‘What took you so long?’
Gael gulped and joined him. ‘Nothing.’
End of chapter
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140,681 Literary Works • 673,591 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okay..so we had the full quota of mystery going on in this second part. Bit of an opposite to the first chapter in how that one started mysterious and got to the wholesome bits later, but here its the total opposite.
Anyway let's get right to it,
OKay...so after that little bit of self reflection he's suddenly off to try and grab a few books, I wonder what sort of thing he's looking for here....cause it is quite curious how he got up to look for a book after all that. Aaand the description there for the shelves are lovely.
Hmm, okay so he's looking for some specific topic about history I see...that's also a nice little tidbit of information there about that specific topic which he's looking for so we get a generic sense of why he's going after a book like that at this point in time.
This was bordering on having a little too much detail there but for the most part I think it manages to check out okay especially cause you manage to end with his thought process in pursuing this particular bit of history...but its getting close to being too much information, you might want to be careful about that.
Ooh, a sudden shift in focus there, I think you pull of that transition fairly well there, he just happens to glance in a certain direction and naturally for someone around his age, the sign that tells you not to go somewhere gets his attention better than the book he's searching for.
The sudden spur of the moment decision to explore is a bit...well sudden though. Him noticing it is done well but then he simply thinks of why he doesn't know the reasons and then immediately seems to decide now is the time to explore. From what we heard there, it sounded like this is not the first time he's run into this spot...so him exploring just at this moment feels like it needs a little more explanation here.
Oooh, well whatever is being stored in the darkness there seems to be some rather valuable artifacts that maybe aren't supposed to be out in the open for some reason. It certainly makes you think cause there are a vide variety of reasons for why something like this would be hidden.
Oooooh we do be getting into some spicy territory now and I'm loving the turn that this is taking. If the voices from earlier weren't enough, now this chapter all has itself a bit of a forbidden exploration situation going on where we see that these mysterious artefacts are kept in good condition and constantly used despite being in this random dark space...aaand some other beings are walking around using them somehow.
Oh dear that's not a good, its a bit of a classic situation here, person enters place they shouldn't tries to actively be quiet and as stated in the contract for all protagonists ["thou must make a sound at the most inopportune moment"] Gael proceeds to do something that give him away.
Okay...I don't like the way they said that...I'm imagining attempted murder or kidnapping by this point, although considering this is very early in the story, and there appears to be many more chapters from this person's POV to come, I doubt its going to be quite that severe.
Coool...so he runs into potentially the one person who has access to this mysterious and creepy place that does not wish to kill him but would rather settle for a warning. We're gonna call that protagonist's luck but hmm, I like that you went with this route, now it adds more depth to who this dwarf person might be and the sort of motivations these people might have.
Well I'm sure Gael will be all to eager to run away now...although he is a protagonist, you can reasonably assume that he will abuse the power of that gem there and revisit this place at some point in the future...and maybe get into more trouble.
Oooh, I do like that little trinket there, seems like a very useful piece of magic...its a very simply idea but its an oddly fascinating bit of magic.
Well...I don't think that was a very convincing denial...but it wasn't terrible...
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, the second chapter's pretty nice. We get introduced to the type of person that Gael here is...and we learn a thing or two about how he appears to do things. There's also more than a few mysteries introduced and I find myself pretty intrigued by all of this. Can't wait to see what the third chapter has to offer
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thanks for the review!
You're Welcome!!
Hello again!
Well this was sure an intriguing chapter!
I really liked the juxtaposition at the beginning with Gael and Haka. I liked that you showed that Gael is attracted to him, but Haka assumes Gael likes girls, and there's this ominous voice telling Gael that Haka is maybe going to be bad news. Lots of juicy conflict! I love me a forbidden love/dangerous love/slow burn romance <3
I would like to know more about this voice Gael has. I'm sure we'll learn about it a lot more as the story progresses, and I'm glad you're not giving us all of the information right now. But, I would like to know more of Gael's thoughts and feelings as he hears this voice. It's not the first time, but does it surprise him when it appears? And since he's clearly attracted to Haka and the voice is talking about Haka, how does what the voice said impact his feelings about Haka? Is he questioning anything? Does he believe the voice?
I liked that this chapter was a little quieter than the first chapter so the reader can kind of ground into the story and get a better feel for where we are, but I liked the little seeds you've planted in this chapter as well with the library and the scary place Gael discovered. I'm sure that's going to be important later
When Gael sees the stairs and he's talking about how no one goes up there and it's off limits, what does he assume is up there? Why does he assume no one has gone up there before? And then with those things in mind, why does he decide to go up there anyway? I'd love more of his thought process about that decision because he has to know that it's either not safe or he'll get in major trouble if he goes up there and yet he does. Is he worried that something bad will happen or he'll get in trouble?
(Not going to lie, in that moment Gael kind of reminded me of my dear friend Harry Potter, always running around doing reckless things :p)
I think as Gael is going up the stairs and as what he sees up there is revealed, you could really up the tension of the moment by giving lots of description of what he sees/feels/hears/etc and doing it in short sentences and short paragraphs to convey his nerves as he's doing this. I really liked that we didn't get all of the information about what's up there and that we only saw glimmers of what's up there. It really makes me want to know more about it!
I thought it was a little interesting that the dwarf wasn't more mad when he discovered Gael and that he let Gael get off with nothing more than a warning. (Especially since I have a feeling Gael will be back....)
Overall, very intriguing chapter! I love the seeds you've planted with Gael and Haka and with this mysterious room! Looking forward to reading more
Let me know if you have any questions or if there's something you'd like feedback about that I didn't mention!
Hi again. This was interesting. It usually is. I would put this in a spoiler but I don't know how, and I won't spoil too much. Gael goes for a book, investigates weird stairs, finds the room, sinister master's there wanting a grimoire from a dwarf, said dwarf tells him to get out and stay safe. Basically that's it. You raise some interesting questions (I have another question that has nothing to do with the story: What's your first language? Your English is really good for a second language.) Like, who's the evil master? Whose grimoire (I know that's a spell book) is he looking for? Gael could ask other students about the mystery room. This is my favorite part of your writing: the mystery, the developments, not knowing what's coming next but wanting to find out. I'll note a few little word choices that kind of threw me off: When Gael goes up the stairs, he's making fists, but I'd be reaching out on both sides to feel the walls so I didn't bump into stuff. Lastly, you call the desk "curvaceous" which is usually used to describe curvy females, not desks. I hope this review helps more than the others.
This one has also been picked clean by the vultures so don't expect anything too critical. I mean it didn't happen ever before so why would you really be thinking it would happen on this chapter? Time for some feedback-ish like stuff with occasional puns because I'm in the mood for puns tonight. They're all images btw which explains the need for spoilers.
Spoiler
The trend of humorous opening dialogue continues, which I am finding much more pleasing than the opening lines of screaming and stabbing. But really who wouldn't? There was just the slightly creepy scene with the ghost whispers, moving into the bromance and then having that neutral moment before more trouble. I don't really know what the trouble is yet because I've barely made it three paragraphs in but I know something is going to happen. The triggers telling me this are slight but based on how long the character is in his peaceful state of describing the ceiling, usually assosciated with easing a scene down, I know that is something is going down one aisle over. Well maybe more than one asisle but still something in the general vicinity Gael is going to have the pleasure of witnessing.
Despite how much I know just from reading these three paragraphs, I still love it because I don't know the 'how'. How is the author going to execute this traditional set-up? It doesn't matter if we have the 5 W's or not, because without the how, some parts just don't make sense.
Time for another pun since that took a rather serious twist for my supposedly not serious review.
Spoiler
Well that was certainly surprising. I admit that the build-up with him searching through the library shelves was pretty cool and explaining some of the history for the novel. And of course we have the stereotypical hero going in the door he knows he shouldn't go in and continuing to stick around even after it got dangerous. The dwarf letting him go was pretty good. You didn't kill the guy within the first chapter of his perspective so I'm liking the story right now and I want to see how the rest of it goes down.
And since I can't blow all of my puns or comments on one poker table, onto the next chapter.
Hi there Lightsong! This is Kays here dropping in for another review (sorry that I'm getting a little behind on the novel, I hope to catch up soon when I'm not sick)! For now, I'll do this and then tomorrow I may end up continuing if I have nothing else to review. With that being said, let's begin.
First I wanted to comment on a couple of grammar errors that I found in the opening sentences. The phrase 'going to check some books' is off-putting because I believe that you meant to say 'check out some books'. Not only that, after the second line of dialogue and at the end of the second paragraph (even though that's a little too small to be called a paragraph) is the phrase 'his eyes half-closed'. In this case, this should be changed to 'eyes half-closed'. Concluding on the topic of grammar and the more technical aspects of writing a chapter, there are a couple of errors here. Of course, I'm going to suggest a grammar checker even though grammar checkers don't catch everything--just try and be a little more careful with catching those.
Digging more into the meat and potatoes or the content of the chapter because DarkPandemonium goes over a lot of the issues I found with grammar, I didn't find this chapter to be as captivating as the first half, though that's alright. The first half--I didn't expect that to be beaten because that part is pretty strong. What this part does right though--the history and lore. That's an aspect I enjoyed along with seeing more of Gael's character.
Gael seems to be a smart child who is also adventurous and willing to be dangerous. The outcome of the chapter is a bit cliche but also quite interesting. Gael goes on this mini-adventure where he goes into a forbidden area and Haka doesn't even know by the end of the chapter. I'm glad that the dwarf character is sparing of him for the first time that he's up there. His curiosity will get the best of him I assume and he'll go back there potentially with Haka to spy and see what's going on? I'm not the most fond of the books but this gives a bit of a Harry Potter vibe--to be honest, that's a little nostalgic.
The dwarf reminds me a bit of Dobby who, in the seven books is probably one of the more likable characters. Moving off of that, I didn't expect for this to be a world with dwarves--didn't seem the type, but what do I know? Overall, this is a pretty interesting chapter save for the fact that the most that happens is Gael going upstairs and that we get a glimpse of a forbidden part of the library that may reappear or be important to the novel later on. I definitely agree with Pandemonium on the part of the room being too easy to get into for a forbidden room and I also agree with Mea on the part that explained Estagra being a little vague.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.
Alright, I'll combine my reviews on this part and the previous into one since there's no way I can find enough to say otherwise. Did I mention this is really great?
2.1
I'll say it again - great chapter. Honestly, mostly what's left to work on is sentence-level edits to make the prose sound more natural. I really enjoyed Gael and Haka's banter and how you made something as simple as them studying in the library interesting. To me, Haka is definitely the more laid-back, slacker kind of guy, whereas Gael is pretty studious. I'm curious about the voice he's hearing. I thought occasionally some of the parts where you give information were awkward - like how Haka brings up that Gael isn't attuned to an element. But I also liked how you slipped in the information about the Naturals.
2.2
I revise my estimation of Gael - he's more willing to take risks than I thought he'd be. Anyway, I liked this part too, though it mostly just raises questions. I do feel like it should be harder to get into the super secret area, unless part of your point is to show how obedient the rest of the student body is.
Something that wasn't quite clear was whether the country the characters are in right now is Estagra. I *think* so, because that's where the Naturals went and they give power to the people there, and this school is for people with those powers, but it's explicitly stated and so not quite clear.
Something else that was confusing was the "light diamond." Were you saying it was light as in it didn't weigh very much, or was it light in color, or was it literally made out of light? Though since he can hold it, I'm guessing not that last one. Anyway, it was confusing.
And I think I'm going to leave it at that! I'm excited for Ilami to get here - I feel like it'll be pretty interesting.
Hi, Lightsong. I'm catching up!
Like the first part of the chapter, I really enjoyed this - possibly more so than the first half, given the intriguing section at the end. You took me by surprise when the dwarf turned out to be on Gael's side, even though I'm normally pretty savvy when it comes to predicting twists. It certainly sets up a lot of new questions and deepens my interest in both the setting and the plot.
Nitpicks
Should be 'closed'.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think what you have here is called a dangling modifier. 'Made by bricks' is obviously intended to modify 'ceiling', but the positioning makes it seem like it modifies 'five Gaels'. To fix it, you'd need something like this:
The ceiling was five Gaels in height, made of bricks
Or:
The ceiling, made of bricks, needed five Gaels to reach it.
Or even:
Five Gaels were needed to reach the ceiling, which was made of bricks just as the walls were.
Dangling modifiers are complicated as hell, unfortunately. The link above explains them in more detail, listing ways to find and fix them, so I'd recommend giving it a look.
Dim? In a library? You need good lighting to read. They're going to mess up people's eyesight.
(You need a capital letter on 'the', by the way, as it's the start of a sentence).
The singular of 'shelves' is 'shelf'.
You mean 'its deities', as you're referring to the singular nation rather than the people living there.
What do you mean here? Do you mean that Arxios' history should've been more interesting that Estagra's? It needs to be clearer.
I think 'a' would be more appropriate than 'the' here.
I definitely agree with MJ that 'Darkness darkened' is redundant and that 'the path was dark' would be better. However, another issue is that 'the path was dark' and 'unlit by light diamonds' are effectively the same image. If the path is dark, we know it has to be unlit, so there's not much point telling us that.
Expression. Something like 'he watched to ensure nobody had noticed him' would be clearer.
'Making' is a very limp verb. Something like 'his hands balled into fists' or 'his hands clenched into fists' would be better.
1) What do you mean by the first bolded bit? That he can't figure out what the place is? It's not clear.
2) 'Shine' isn't a noun, at least not in the sense that you have it here, and it can't be pluralised. It would be better if you had something like 'he could see things shining here and there'.
3) I like the verb 'peering' to describe the moonlight coming into the room. I might pinch that at some point!
With what seemed to be a hilt, you mean.
Should be 'of'.
I'd delete the comma.
Just a few small grammar points. It should be:
‘I asked for it yesterday. What is taking you so long to find it?’ the other voice, definitely a human’s this time, growled.
Even when you close dialogue with an exclamation mark or question mark, the dialogue tag still shouldn't have a capital letter. For example:
"Stop!" she shouted.
"Will you shut up, for God's sake?" the man said.
Even in these circumstances, 'the' and 'she' still don't have capital letters. I'm not sure why that is, but it is the standard.
Don't tell us he's alarmed, show us. Does his stomach drop? Does his heart skip? Does his body flood with cold?
You underestimate the attention span of the reader. We know he's desperate to escape without having to be reminded. I also think you should be more specific about how and where he's moving. Around cabinets? Against the wall? It's too vague at the moment.
See what I said in my previous review about filter words. 'Gael's heart stuck in his throat' reads better.
In this context, we don't need to know that the tunic is blue or for a student. Only put descriptors in if they're relevant.
Minor expression problem. It should be 'but it was not out of anger' or 'but it was not in anger'.
Tense issues. It should be:
‘You shouldn’t be here,’ he whispered urgently. ‘If master had found you - if the others had found you - you’d be dead. This is a forbidden area.’
Gael searched for strength to speak. ‘I - I know that. I just didn’t know it was this serious.’
Do you mean 'Master alone is enough'?
Odd expression. Perhaps have something like:
It flew further down. He slowed as he came to the staircase.
This is a strange comparison. Blood is typically oxygenated, so it's an odd thing to draw attention to. Relief would also rush through him like blood, not towards him. The image of blood hurtling towards him is a pretty terrifying one!
Expression. Perhaps: 'the main area of the library, which was filled with tables'.
Can you show the zero interest? Does she yawn as she does it, listlessly stamping a date into the cover?
Overall Thoughts
1) I like the ending and am highly intrigued by the suspicious room, but I do question why it was so easy to get into. If it's really so forbidden, you'd think they'd do more than just put up a sign. A bolted door would keep people out pretty effectively. It doesn't mean you can't still have Gael wander up there; it could just be that he spots the door is open and can't resist investigating, because it's the first time he's ever seen it unlocked. If anything, that's a more powerful motivation. I'm just spitballing here - it's completely up to you how you write it - but I think you should think about making the room more obviously off limits.
2) Your tenses are getting better, but you're still prone to overly complicated expression. If you can keep it simple, you absolutely should. The reader will thank you.
I'll leave it there. Crikey, I'm on a roll. It's very rare that I get two reviews done in a day. I'll try and review chapter 3.1 tomorrow, then I'll be up to date and ready to critique as each instalment emerges. I'm very much enjoying the story.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Hey there! MJ back for another review.
I think that 'standing up' would be a bit more specific and sound a little more natural here.These should be commas to separate the list of deities, not semicolons.
My main issue here is how you said 'darkness darkened'. That's very redundant and sounds really odd, at least to me. I would say something like "The path was dark, unlit by light diamonds."
It would also be a nice touch if you said something like "The darkness unnerved Gael slightly, but he pressed onward, trusting that whatever lay at the end of the path would be worth it." This was something I noticed throughout the piece, and it would really take your writing to the next level if you mixed in, occasionally, some things about how the characters feel. Showing is, obviously, stronger. If you show us how he drops the book because his hands are shaking, that's more powerful than just saying "He was nervous."
And as my final note, I think that the staircase should lead UNDER and not above, because it would be hard to have a concealed room up there that wouldn't look conspicuous. It also seems more natural for the suspense, since you are descending into the unknown.
Other than that, this was a really great chapter. I loved the twist, and I'm excited to see where Gael's story goes! Good job with this, keep writing, and let me know if you have any questions.
Best wishes,
MJ