Ilami sat in the carriage, the sound of hooves intruding her ears every second. She looked down on her clothes. She wore a blue tunic with a few emerald glitters embroidering the upper left side, signifying her first year. She pulled her face and threw her gaze through the window. Stalls and shops met her eyes, starting to buzz with busyness as the sun rose from the east slowly.
Beside her, Jaxin cleared his throat. ‘Today is your first day in the academy, Young Mistress.’ As usual, his voice indicated he had no soul. ‘Her Ladyship has decided you are qualified to enter it. The youngest person to ever study in the institution at the age of eleven.’
She rolled her eyes. She wasn’t impressed of herself. She had heard the system of the institution was to have each lesson told in a fixed time. When Mother home-schooled her, Mother decided when she should stop learning. She groaned inwardly and recalled the time she went home after the horrible test.
Her house was a white mansion, presenting itself with a few decoration here and there and more with its vastness. Jaxin and she had appeared in front of steep stairs leading to it. Behind her was a silver-and-gold gate, and at its sides were the fences surrounding her house. She ascended the stairs, each step sounding like a hammer knocking the brick, opened the door, and entered it. She deliberately closed the door forcefully, sending the sound of it echoing through the mansion’s inferior.
Without waiting for Jaxin, she went to the dining table which was situated after the living room and before the kitchen. Silence accompanied her, light diamonds forming chandeliers on the ceiling shone dimly. As she arrived at the table, she could see Mother with her silver hair let loose, leaning against her high chair, holding a decorated cup.
Mother saw her and took a sip. ‘Sit, my dear,’ she said with a smile, though both her words and facial expression felt cold. It was as if she played a role and was quite excellent with it except for the fact Ilami knew when she acted with honesty and when she was not. She placed the cup on the long, rectangular table covered with silk cloth, her action smooth and silent. ‘I look forward to hear from you about the test.’
Ilami sat opposite her, not bothering to look at what had been served in front. She stared at Mother and gave her a savage smile. ‘I passed, Mother. I killed the man with ease, and using my first fire sword! Aren’t you proud of me?’ Sarcasm saturated her words like butter covering a bread.
Mother kept her silence for a few seconds. She didn’t look at Ilami and inspected the cup she now held. ‘It’s not a matter of proud to me, my dear,’ she said softly. The gentleness in her voice chilled Ilami as if it hinted of incoming storm, but it stayed. ‘It’s a matter of necessity, and it’s necessary for you to be well-equipped before you enter Quasar Magica Academy.’
Ilami groaned. ‘Of course I have to enter your academy. But I’ve been doing well taught by you! Why would you want me to go there?’
‘My academy isn’t just any academy, my dear, and you know that. It has been known for producing students who later occupy important roles in Estagra. Why, one of them has become the King’s adviser herself!’ She took a deep breath, smile coming back to her face. Her eyes gazed at Ilami with precise contentment. ‘It would be wonderful for you.’
‘You said killing the man is a way to prepare myself for the academy,’ Ilami said, raising her eyebrow. ‘Does this mean there’s going to be more killings? Is that what the academy is all about?’
Mother leaned forward, enabling Ilami to see clearer of her. ‘If that is how you would understand it better, then yes. There will be more killings, more deaths. And that is the way it should be. Quasar Magica Academy has been the top institution to provide soldiers and peacekeepers for the royalty, and that is an honor.’ She leaned back, still smiling. ‘It seems to me you have a lot to take in. No worries. Your entrance into the academy would be a week from now, long enough for you to see sense the way I do.’ She waved at the food. ‘Now, we eat. You must’ve been starving, haven’t you?’
Ilami suppressed herself from expressing disgust at Mother. How could she possibly think Ilami was going to have an appetite after killing an innocent person? And yet, she found her hands picking the spoon and knife covered by a tissue, cutting the steak into pieces. She could do nothing against Mother. Not now when she was only about to enter an academy for children. Words of the man whispered into her ears. She gritted her teeth and stole a glance at Mother. She would be a force to be reckoned with. All this killing was wrong, and she would prove that to Mother.
‘We have arrived, Young Mistress.’ Jaxin’s words shook her from her remembrance. He exited the carriage and offered his hand.
She took it and descended the carriage. After smoothing out her clothes, she took a look at the academy.
It was a marvelous castle with the addition of the houses’ banners stuck at the corners of it. She could find four of them, each of them representing the deities. Earth for Lio, sun for Xesar, tornado for Wermin, and moon for Serra. Her attention lingered at the sun banner. Soon, she would be sorted into Xesar House and met other Xesar-blessed Companions who had spent longer time studying spells and practicing fighting. Something welled in her chest and she was surprised to find it was excitement.
The steel gate opened to welcome her. She took the marble-filled path that led to the mansion. The building would be big enough to have rooms for classes, dorms, and teacher’s office. It would’ve took a long time to explore the interior of the silver building and she wouldn’t forget each second that passed by. She didn’t fancy the idea of having friends too much, but she did look forward to learning more about her Xesar-blessed ability with them.
Once she entered the castle, a vast main hall greeted her. A few students roamed around, some of them carrying book and moving in a hurry. The rest walked casually, laughing and chattering with each other. As she walked past them to the registration counter, a few glanced at her, eyes widened. Absentmindedly, she reached her silver hair, its length barely over her shoulder. It was a sure reminder of her Lin-Zhe heritage; people from there had unusual coloured hairs, mainly silver, sapphire, and mauve. Researchers said it had something to do with Lin-Zhe’s geography.
Her coloured hair also signified something else; a sign of her being the principal’s daughter. No other prominent Lin-Zhese had inhabited this Estadiel city. They might also be reminded of her brother who was once a pupil here - Alyosha XieZhi, a charismatic leader with a wit no one could surpass. Ilami rubbed her arm. She could see ghosts of Mother and Alyosha in her shadow, the pressure they brought made her aware of the expectation the students would put on her. She let loose of her arms and held her chin high. They could expect whatever they wanted or said whatever crossed their mind, but the fact had stayed. She was the youngest kid ever admitted to Quasar Magica Academy, and that alone should have weight on her competency.
A/N: Ilami’s age has been adjusted from nine to eleven in order to match with her maturity. Despite this, there would be instances where she acts maturer than what is expected at her age, which is understandable given she doesn’t have much of a childhood like the rest of the kids. Also, Xie-Zhi is spelled xi-ae-zee, not chee-zy. Thank you.
End of chapter
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140,681 Literary Works • 673,591 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: So we get to see that long awaited conversation. There were definitely a few things hinted at there without being said outright, and I really loved that introduction to the character of here mother. She fits the bill quite well from the information we already know of her. You're balancing a somewhat outwardly caring but ruthless personality really well there and that's not an easy thing to bring across.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm...so we're not going to get to see the meeting between Ilami and here mother, it looks like this is cutting straight to a different scene, that's interesting, I'm gonna then assume that whatever that conversation was, it wasn't particularly important to us then.
Oh so my theory of here being that student who got admitted is true...very interesting indeed, so the chapters are actually connected and well, her mother seems to be a pretty interesting person if she can be nice like that but also order her own daughter to kill people at age which I now notice is a change that happened in the middle of writing
Oooh some nice little description there...and it appears we're going to have the earlier meeting described to us after all, but in the form of a bit of a flashback situation. I guess these words are important after all.
Oooh, this is a really nicely done introduction to the mother there. You're making it very clear what kind of character she is and also how well her daughter can read her with that, and I'm already excited to see how this conversation will go.
Not the reaction I was expecting at all, but oh wow Ilami has a bit of a sassy side to here...oooh, I do like that in a main character although her mother seems to have absorbed that rather badly there, it seems she's not impressed with the sarcasm, and already explaining herself to her daughter on why that had to happen, of course there's no telling if she's being truthful or not.
That seems like a bit of a moot point, one would assume the owner of the academy can teach people to the same standard as the academy and so she won't get that much of an extra benefit from going there. Potential plot hole? Maybe? I could just be being nitpicky, but I'd like more of an explanation for this here justification.
Hmm, well as much as she didn't like having to kill that man, she's being a little less affected by it here. I felt like in the first part, with her going to her "safe spot" of sorts and doing some reflection suggests that she was a bit emotionally affected by it, but here it all just anger being directed at her mother, perhaps is sadness converted to anger, but I feel like the changes here are a touch too jarring to be realistic.
Hmm this is perhaps the passage that best handle the whole emotional situation, I do like to see that. Here we also sense a deep motivation stirring within her that we already say dregs of in the start, and I like that, we're having her get a reason for her actions from very early on in the story, and that's wonderful to see.
Oooh, lovely introduction to this place here. We've got some nice and subtle details being directed at us with these little things being described and the setting is getting slowly established quite nicely as well. I have a feeling this location is going to be quite important in times to come.
Okay...so looks like we're going to mostly description from this part of the chapter, which makes sense, it does sounds like there's a good amount of information to be conveyed here and I love the style that you're doing it here, we're being taught so many teensy details, but it doesn't once dip into being info dumpy.
Ooooh, well nice spot to break this chapter, I know this isn't the end of it, but this particular paragraph works quite well as the ending to a part. Looking forward to see how her first day goes in that next part.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this is a good start to this chapter. I had a couple of little issues that I mentioned up there, but for the most part I really like where this is going. Ilami is shaping up to be a pretty interesting character and I really liked the way you introduced here mother. Aaand that's it for now, catch ya again in the next one
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey Light. I'm back again and with no puns today because of mobile and i don't like to type bbcode on mobile.
First thing. Before I ever got very far into this chapter, I was tripped up by the ordering where you were having that sort of flashback, but it wasn't properly introduced. I didn't realize that I was really reading a memory of the night after the first chapter, until you switched back to the current time. You may want to ease into and out of it more slowly, plus adding in some indicator words. Or you could just use dashes or whatever the heck these things '~~' are called. I should know those by now but I don't.
Upon re-reading I found the word 'recalled' but still the switch was so slight that I didn't notice this until the third time around.
Before, I honestly wasn't feeling for Ilami, and I was thinking of her more as a stuck up little brat. A stuck up little brat who could summon fire swords and slice a man in half in the name of being admitted to a fancy school. That wasn't really the plot presented from her perspective but that was just the vibe I got off of it, sometimes I just have vibes about plot points. This part of the story brings more realization into what her family is and perhaps makes me as a reader understand more of her fears. At first I just lumped her in with the rest of her family but this kinda sticks out as a turning point.
Ah yes. Further explanation into the backstory of the history of this whole thing. Not info-dumpy in the slightest so I'm really starting to enjoy that aspect of this.
Hi there Lightsong! This is Kays here dropping in for a review on Monday morning to continue this novel of yours. I wanted to start off by saying that I read the Author's Note! The age adjustment works well enough because I personally knew somebody at 11 who acted similar to this and maturity can work differently in different societies and situations so I have to say I find this more believable than Ilami being nine-nice job on giving a fix to that! I also know a couple characters around this age (Gon and Killua from Hunter x Hunter) who are a little more on the silly or lax side but maturity kinda hit a little early in a different way.
Off of that ramble about age and onto the chapter, there are again a couple of grammar errors. First, I'm a little confused by that last sentence inside the dialogue that Jaxin spoke saying that Ilami is the first person to study at the age of eleven--that's what the line of dialogue should've said anyway. There doesn't need to be an inclusion of youngest and eleven because, well, only one needs to be there (I suggest the second to remind the reader of her age with subtlety) but that's my personal preference and opinion on that. Secondly, 'home-schooled' is only one word or more specifically is a compound word but generally most of the grammar errors are caught by DarkPandemonium fortunately.
Okay, I enjoy her personality. I expected Gael and Haka to mainly be the highlights of the novel whereas I wouldn't enjoy being around Ilami as much but I liked the sarcasm that she gave back to her mother. The description of her 'savage smile' is great there and I thought that to be a wonderful touch of characterization with a single adjective. I do hope to see her mother have an equal amount of characterization because as of now I'm a little bored of her. Please, please make her mother have an interesting dynamic. That is going to be important in making this novel interesting because as of now I can see her falling into cliche. I agree with Mea--make Ilami a bit more uncertain because she's not an adult. I don't underestimate children, not at all. In contrast I want her to be a little more realistic or unsure.
A little more naive as a child might even if her character is more mature than others, flaws can come in those ways nonetheless. Give us more as to why her mother acts the way she does and Ilami's emotions about that (at her age I'd say her emotions may be more unclear). I'm confused as to why Ilami doesn't believe in what her mother does--are there outside factors that showed her that isn't how a person should act or what they should do? If her mother drills her ideas into Ilami, who gave Ilami the idea to combat them? Those are a few questions that I have because from what I know, children don't usually rebel against their parents' ideas unless give reason to or they've seen that their parents are wrong. What started to tip her off that her parent's or to be more specific, mother's ideas and opinions aren't universal? Other than that, interesting chapter! I went on a little longer than expected but I wanted to talk about that aspect of the chapter.
I like Ilami's attitude. She's determined to make this work, even if she was never really enthusiastic about coming here in the first place. I can't wait to see how she and Gael interact. I have a feeling she'll be too intense for him. xD
Hm... Ilami still feels a little too mature. I feel like an eleven-year-old would be more confused, more disturbed by her mother being this way because an eleven-year-old is usually still very much basing their sense of morality on their parents and is only just starting to realize how flawed that is. She wouldn't be likely to articulate such clear objections to her mother's views - the sarcasm in particular feels like the hallmark of a teenager. I don't think you need to change too much, though - maybe just tweak her dialogue here and there.
For example:
This is what I mean by her reactions feeling too old. If I was aiming for an eleven-year-old's voice, I'd have her inner reaction be something like this: "No. No, of course she wasn't hungry." Same sentiment, but less blatant defiance.
Oh, I would also echo what others have said about the flashback in the middle feeling odd, especially since last time we saw her, she was about to go in to dine with her mother, so as readers we except that to be the next scene. I think it would probably be better to put the dining scene before the first scene with Gael, as a way to wrap-up her mini story before she comes to the academy. It would also make the dinner scene more interesting since we wouldn't already know what her mother was planning.
This part overall had more distracting grammar errors than the last few, so make sure you go through it with a fine-toothed comb. But other than that, that's all I've got for you!
Hi, Lightsong. Back again.
Good to see Ilami again. I'm glad to see you've aged her up a bit, because I think that fits better with her attitude and behaviour. It's still on the young side, but she's clearly not had a very typical upbringing if her conversation with her mother is anything to go by. I can suspend my disbelief happily enough.
Nitpicks
I think this would be better expressed as either 'signifying that she was in her first year' or 'which signified that she was in her first year'.
This is For The Audience dialogue. Ilami would know all of this. Maybe try and find a more natural way to bring it up - perhaps Jaxin asks if she has all of the things she needs, and that leads onto a bigger discussion about the academy. They need to have a reason to talk about it beyond informing the audience.
('As usual, his voice indicated he had no soul' made me laugh, by the way).
You're impressed with something, not of it.
Expression. The bit in bold needs rephrasing - I'm not really sure what you're trying to say.
Delete the 'it'. It makes it sound like she's actually stepping into the material of the door.
1) 'Closed the door forcefully' is an example of propping up a weak verb with an adverb. Why not just say she slammed the door? Much more effective.
2) You mean 'interior', not 'inferior'.
Why do we need to know that? It's not important.
Comma splice. Change the comma to a full stop.
'Decorated' could mean anything. Be more specific. Is it gold? China? Crystal? Does it have vines carved into it? Is it hand-painted with flowers?
There are grammar issues here: you're excellent at something, not with it; you need a comma before 'except'; 'she was not' should be 'she didn't'. However, the main issue is that this line is written like a simile even though it isn't one. It isn't as if she's playing a role - she is playing a role, and Ilami can see through it. It feels like saying 'it was as if it was a tree' when describing a tree.
You need to extend the symbolism a bit more. For example, I might write it like this:
She was quite excellent at playing the role of a charmer; Ilami felt like the only member of the audience who saw through it.
Again, just an example. Just be wary of your sentences getting too long. Make them as brief and clear as you can.
It's kind of a weird thing to say. 'I look forward' makes it sound like she's expecting to hear about it within a few days, not in a matter of seconds. If she said 'Are you going to tell me how you found the test?' or something like that it would be a lot more natural.
As someone currently
wrestling withwriting a sarky character, I know how difficult it can be to convey sarcasm on paper, so god knows I sympathise. However, it should ideally come across without you having to tell the reader. Telling the reader that a character is being sarcastic is kind of like explaining the joke; it ruins it.I think this dialogue could be obviously sarcastic without the need to tell us. If she just said something like:
'I passed, Mother. I killed the man with ease - even using my first fire sword. You must be so proud.'
Italics can help get the mockery across. I'd just recommend toying with the dialogue until you're ready to tear your hair out - that's how I tend to do it, haha. With enough experimentation, you'll eventually land on something that gets the tone across without your needing to state it explicitly.
Tenses. 'Your entrance to the academy is a week from now' would be better.
When you write tag questions, you form them using the first verb in the main clause, as in:
You haven't seen my keys, have you?
You don't know where the scissors are, do you?
I also think that the tense isn't quite right. The past perfect suggests that Ilami was hungry and isn't now. The present tense would be better, so it would look like this:
‘Now, we eat. You must be starving, mustn’t you?’
Telling writing. Remember: actions not feelings. What does Ilami do physically here? Does she clamp her lips and glower? Does she set her jaw? Showing her body language is a lot more effective than telling us what she almost did.
Spoon and knife? For a steak? Also, you mean picking up.
'Descended from the carriage' would be better.
Generally, attention lingers on something, not at it.
I thought it was a castle? A mansion is just a very grand house.
You mean 'It would take'.
Books.
Reached for her silver hair.
I get what you're going for, but 'she let her arms hang loose' would be a more appropriate way to express it.
Overall Thoughts
1) I agree with MJ about changing the structure. Because this part is almost entirely flashback-based, I feel like you would be better off just including the flashback part in chapter one so we see it in 'real time', for want of a better phrase. The segway into the flashback is pretty jarring, especially as it's so recent. I also think ending chapter one with the reveal that she's going to the academy would probably make for a stronger hook.
2) I love how feisty Ilami is. She's got a strong personality, and I'm already getting the sense that, even though they haven't had the spotlight cast on them yet, she has the substantial flaws that every character needs. I'm pretty interested to see how she fares among other students, because something tells me she's not going to be that used to social interaction.
3) I'm less sure of her mother. Yes, she's cold and reportedly manipulative, but she seems a little flat so far. There's no sense of humanity in her character. She remorselessly threatens people's families with death unless they act as prey for the people she trains and doesn't justify it in a particularly cunning way. She's feeling a bit too evil for my liking - or a bit too purely evil, should I say. Morally ambiguous characters make for more interesting antagonists. Even if she's a foul person, give her some likeable traits. Humanise her, make her three dimensional, make sure you deeply understand how she justifies her actions not only to other people, but to herself as well. I obviously haven't seen much of her yet so I can't judge her fully, but you never get a second chance at a first impression.
4) I'd like to see a bit more sensory description from you. There is a bit here and there, but I feel like you focus mostly on the visual when you're painting a scene, neglecting the other senses that can make writing so tangible. Talk about what the mansion smells like, about the sweetness of the steak, the clink of cutlery against her plate. You don't have to dedicate paragraphs to them, obviously; most of your description will be rooted in what the characters can see. However, the occasional reference to smell or touch or taste can make your writing a lot more powerful. I often find them to be some of the most memorable bits of imagery when I'm reading.
I'll leave the review here. Finally up to date! I'm looking forward to the second part of the chapter and especially to finding out if her and Gael are going to meet. Let me know when you publish it, just in case I don't catch it on my news feed thingy.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Hey there! MJ back for another review.
I think that you should find a different word than 'intruding' here, since intruding generally has the sense of barging in somewhere, and that's not really the impression you're aiming for here.Okay, so you don't need to say "the youngest person to ever study... at the age of eleven". You can either say "The youngest person to ever study, seeing as you are only eleven" or "Being eleven, you are the youngest person to ever study in the institution."
Smaller nitpick, but 'knocking against the brick' is a smoother way to write that.
It should be 'pride' instead of 'proud' here since you're using the noun form
My suggestion here is to change the order of the story, since the flash-back in the middle seemed awkward to me and interrupted the flow of the story, so it might be better if you started with how her mother received the news and then had it flow in regular time to avoid any confusion. I also did a few more nitpicks than usual because I wanted to help you see where your writing style was weaker, since you have a tendency to use verbs that give the wrong implication or cast the wrong shadow on your story, and I want your writing style to help the story along instead of hindering it.
Overall, I thought this was a strong linking chapter, and you did a good job giving the reader enough action to get them through this transition phase. I can see how Gael and Ilami's story is going to link now, and I'm excited to see where this story will end up and what each of their respective fates will be! Until next time, good job, and keep writing!
Best wishes,
MJ
P.S. Sorry for any typos. I'm using an older computer, and the keys are more difficult to operate
Thanks for the review! <3