Gael moved from one shelf to another. It didn’t take him long to find a shelf specialized for Blood Magic subject, one that provided resources for the senior students. It would take him three more years to need the books, but with what he had now, he might as well use it to practice magic. He hummed softly, unable to contain his excitement.
He took out a brown book titled Before the Blessings: The Power in Blood. Looking at its thickness, it should be containing syllabus for both fourth and fifth years. Excellent. He rushed to the counter and had Mrs. Welewa the librarian carried the process of borrowing.
‘What are you going to do with this book?’ she said, inspecting the book before returning it to him. ‘Even if you could understand it, you don’t have the magical triggers it requires.’
Giving her a peek of the bright diamond inside of his bag, Gael wiggled his eyebrows and smiled. ‘I do now.’
She raised her eyebrow. ‘I still think you need a teacher to guide you, but,’ she said, smiling now, ‘it’s you we’re talking about. I think you can pull it off.’
‘Thank you, Mrs. Welewa,’ Gael said and left the library, waving at her in the process.
He descended the spiraling stairs, the students’ laughter echoing through the wall. The section for resources in the academy resided at the back of it. The entire area was spherical in nature, so a newcomer would need sometime to get used to it. As he reached the ground floor, he breathed in. He loved the air here. It smelled of wood and mint; the dedicated librarians had made sure to keep it fresh. The wall, ceiling, and floor had been covered with selecia oil to polish them and acted as perfume as well.
He burst out from the castle and ran to the green expanse surrounding the castle. The staffs tended the grass in weekly basis; you wouldn’t find unevenness among it. He saw the tree with golden leaves nearby was uninhabited, so he sat there and set his bag aside. He wiped the sweat on his forehead and glanced up at the bright sky. The blinding sun stayed there like a king with a few clouds surrounding it. He sighed and took out the book.
Some people mistook blessings as the starters of magic in the Estagra’s history. Others who were, well, more educated, would know that was not the case. Before the arrival of the Naturals, Estagrians worshiped Quaror the Inventor and Qualia the Blood Taker, the twin deities. The holy manuscript stated Quaror made the magical triggers while his sister Qualia created a mechanism surrounding them that involved blood to make them work. They never showed themselves though, unlike the Naturals. Gael had heard from his father than his great-great-grandparents had seen the new deities themselves. The spells were in ancient Esteese, a language used by the old Estagrians, and fortunately, Gael was fluent in both ancient and modern Esteese.
After reading the chapter focusing on the use of gemstones as magical triggers, Gael exclaimed. It turned out not only a spell was dependent on a magical trigger, the nature of it was also based on the trigger. Since a bright diamond could be used as a light source and, when cut in two, as a communication device, the spells that used it enhanced its functions. Being able to communicate with your friend telepathically might sound boring, but Gael couldn’t imagine the process used to make it possible.
Of course, the book mentioned other spells such as muting all sounds and darkening the surrounding within a fixed radius. Those, he had to admit, were less remarkable. But then again, bright diamond was just one of the many magical triggers on Estagria. If he could find more of them, he could practice more spells. Most of the triggers came in the form of artifacts. Gael’s mind wandered to the Restricted Area. A sword and an a shield. He saw them. Perhaps they were magical triggers?
He kept silence for a while. The dwarf had warned him not to enter the Restricted Area, but he couldn’t see the reason for it. The artifacts in there could help him further his study on magic. And, with the way the dwarf conversed with the ‘master’, he suspected what they were doing were wrong. There was something iffy about them. He looked at the bright diamond. But then again, the dwarf had helped him. If he didn’t want Gael to enter the area, it would be for a good reason. The issue troubled him, so he cast it aside by focusing on the book.
He took out a vial from his pocket. It contained his blood, which he had taken yesterday. It was easier to have it prepared than to extract it just when you were about to recite the spell. He let a drop of it fall onto the diamond. ‘Saracas stevenes, waracar irrevorar.’ The Darkening Spell, he called it. The blood boiled, smoke rising from it. ‘Arfanis warrantis, araxex dormanixex,’ he ended. The blood stopped boiling. Nothing happened.
He frowned and checked on the book again. The spells were independent of the amount of blood needed. What he lacked might be intent. According to the book, intent was the most important factor deciding the success of a spell. He had to make clear of his goal and imagined the outcome he desired. He bit his lower lip. Well, as much as he was capable to digest and memorized information, he lacked imagination. Haka teased him for it.
He looked around him. He would have better concentration practicing in his own room. He could boast at Haka if he succeeded on darkening the place. He smiled at the prospect and started to gather his things, but shadows covered him and as he looked up, he cursed inwardly. Baris and his gang of three stood in front of him. Baris smiled for reasons Gael was sure he wouldn’t like.
‘Where are you going, Gael?’ Baris said, his voice deceptively sweet. ‘I saw a bright diamond with you from afar, you know.’
Gael forced himself to put on an easy smile. ‘You saw wrong, Baris. You know I don’t have one with me.’ He paused. ‘You make sure of that a while ago.’
‘Perhaps I should make sure of it again.’ Still smiling, Baris tilted his head to his underlings - those he so-called Sworn Brothers. ‘Check him.’
Gael didn’t run. He knew it would be useless. Baris might not catch him despite him being a bad runner, but the rest could. He gritted his teeth. They checked his clothes and snatched his bag from him. They opened it and turned it upside down, spilling its content. Among those lying on the grass was the diamond radiating its azure light. The underlings exclaimed while Baris smiled wider.
‘Lying now, are we?’ he asked, taking a step forward to Gael.
Despite his lack of effort to escape, his underlings grabbed Gael’s arms. Their squeeze hurt him, but he was determined to not let the pain show. He wasn’t new to this; every time Haka wasn’t around, these trashes would corner and bully him. And now, they’d steal from him. ‘It’s mine,’ he hissed, staring sharp at Baris.
‘No, it’s not.’ Baris’s voice turned serious. ‘You can’t afford one. You stole it from someone, and now it’s mine.’
Gael couldn’t help but chuckled. ‘It’s wrong for me to steal, but it’s okay for you to do it? Wow, you never fail to impress me.’
Baris shrugged. ‘Guys, shut his mouth.’
A fist connected to Gael’s face, throwing his spectacle away. Before he could familiarize with the pain and blood falling from his nose, his stomach received another punch. He gasped. Then, he tried to breath in, but it felt like an invisible hand had squeezed his lung so much that he couldn’t let air to enter it. He bent his body, clutching his stomach with hands. Despite all of these, he didn’t sweat in fear. Instead, he looked up at Baris despite having a slightly blurry view, making sure the latter witness the hatred in his eyes.
‘You bastard,’ Gael managed to say. ‘You damned bastard!’
With a yell, he launched himself towards Baris, sending both of them to the ground. He raised his hand and smashed Baris’s face with it. Seeing the blood on Baris’s lips, he smiled. His underlings pulled him away from Baris and shoved him to the ground. They would beat him at the end and got the diamond, but not without having the marks he would leave them. And he was determined to leave a lot of marks on them. He couldn’t contain his rage any longer.
End of chapter
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140,681 Literary Works • 673,591 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: So back to Gael and right away we're being introduced to more horrible people in the school. I thought maybe you'd hold back a bit more with this point of view, but it appears that not the case, we've got firing on all cylinders happening right away and that does make for a lot of interesting action here, although keeping track of everyone's enemies is going to take some memorizing now.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm...well that doesn't sound particularly safe there. Any magic involving blood is usually not a good sign in most stories although the fact that this one is available in a normal section for the academy and doesn't seem restricted suggests maybe its okay to use.
Oooh, I wasn't expecting that. What might that thing inside the bag be to be able to convince the librarian so quickly? And it looks like he has a pretty good reputation of being a good student if the librarian accepts the fact that he knows so quickly.
Hmm....a nice little description break of sorts there. I think its a good little break from the dialogue and mystery of the book that's being picked up. We get a nice little look at the inside there and then the outside as well and the surroundings of where he ends up staying to read the book.
Hmm...that got a little bit heavy on the history there, but it should be fine as long as ther isn't too much more. You do want to avoid putting too much history into a chapter, especially with it now starting to move away from the first few chapters.
Hmm, this part is also more details, but I think it still manages to come off okay. Unlike that first chunk, this feels a lot more like Gael reflecting on what he'd just read and this being his thought process. The flow is much better and overall, its going along nicely. Hopefully this diamond doesn't end up causing trouble for him cause I'm not sure the dwarf was supposed to do what the dwarf did.
Well...that's a good amount of reflection on the part of Gael there. He should definitely be thinking about the fact that the dwarf wouldn't have warned him away if bad things wouldn't happen. The curiosity he shows here is quite nice though, it suits the character you've built up so far.
Okay...so we're going with that technique for this particular branch of magic. Its a tried and tested method, so not the most unique thing I've run into, but its a very nice way to bring across the magic of a world. Also hmm..that little detail on the blood is lovely there. Its such a tiny detail, but the logic is pretty sound and its quite interesting to see those little things that make this world unique.
Oh new characters..these look to be the school bullies that go around roughing people up, or maybe pick of Gael specifically because of his particular condition. The way Gael mentions them stealing a previous diamond from him suggests these three have done some horrible things in the past.
Well...that was quick. I was expecting Gael to maybe put up a little more of a fight, but then with the way he so quickly accepts this defeat and his fate, it seems to bring across just how much damage this Baris person must've done and how many time encounters like this might have happened.
Hmm...well the confidence came a bit late on that one. First we get the confirmation that this is something that tends to happen a lot to Gael at the hands of these three goons, but then we have ourselves a tiny bit of mockery going on and I get the feeling this is about to escalate into a fight after that.
Okayy..well that got ugly right away there. A little quick on the moves there, with it almost sort of fading away towards the end, but I think it fits for the style of fight that you've got here. Its the classic schoolyard brawl and those are always rather quick and a big mess where you don't know whose punching who where. At any rate a tiny bit of a cliffhangery point for this chapter to get broken in two. I can't wait to see what happens in the rest of it.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I think you've done a pretty good job here to start this chapter off. I liked the interaction with the librarian at the start, then we got some interesting descriptions before it ended on a nice high note with this fight. I'm excited to see where this chapter goes next.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Yeah I'm really behind on reviewing your chapters and I apologize for that. Kinda a failure on my part but hey, I'll try and complete this.
And we're back to Gael, with even more of a chance of a history lesson. He has been my favorite point of view so far, so let's see how this goes.
The scene with the librarian carries on that humorous balance that I've come to expect from you novel. I can imagine the librarian looking down her glasses each time he checks out a very questionable book for his age range, and it makes me look forward to more of Gael's interactions with the school staff. He seems like the teacher's pet even though he doesn't have full magic powers yet, just with all of the ability to memorize so much information.
It makes sense that there will eventually be some bullies in this story because it is taking place at a school with some really messed up kids. It may be cruel and make the readers hurt for these characters, so I guess that's part of the point you're trying to establish here. I think I do have some actual points that link into this so I'll just skip right to that. My thoughts are very organized this afternoon so maybe try and follow it?
The fight scene within itself is kind of blurry when it comes through on this end, just to the point where you can't tell who is throwing the punches. One second Gael is getting beat to a pulp, then he is winning but Boris's henchmen are nowhere to be found, but then it goes back to Gael being the victim. This sends up the three question mark symbol, even worse than the bat signal. I mean the descriptions down there are actually pretty good, it's just the confusion with the character positions that bugs me.
Besides that one little issue and to tell you that I liked this chapter, because now that Ilami has her arch nemesis, I knew Gael would eventually get something of substance. Just waiting to find out who Ilami's BFF/possible love interest will be.
Yeah that's all for now.
Hi there Lightsong. This is Kays here dropping in for a review on a late Saturday evening--most of the day's passed me by because I slept for eighteen hours and woke up at two in the afternoon but hey, there's always time to squeeze a review in, yes? With that being said, let's begin.
Does Blood Magic need to be capitalized? Also, I'm interested by the topic--is this a specific class or only a specific kind of magic? Is Blood Magic seen as more dark? What is Blood Magic? Is Blood Magic common? I want to know more! That's another aspect of the universe that I hope is brought up more in the novel--the magic and the magic system. We aren't given a whole lot of this in God's Assassin which is why I'd love to see more of this explained and gone into depth about and to an extent, we've seen a lot more of this and we've seen a lot of the magic in action first in God's Assassin and here as well which is why I'm glad this novel is being written. I started off as a skeptic but I'm glad to be reading this novel because there's a dose of enjoyment that comes with reviewing this and talking about all what's going on.
The wording in this paragraph, particularly at the beginning is a bit awkward. I'm going to suggest fixing that up. I have to say though that I love seeing Gael have a bit of a Eureka! moment with him checking out the book with the librarian and rushing with that book. There's another paragraph--the particularly info-dumpy one on the history of Estagra (I don't mind this too much because this is an appropriate place for the history to be talked about) that can be worded better but of course that doesn't need to come immediately and rather is a note for the second draft (to make certain paragraphs and parts more smoothed out). Also, does this mean Gael can do spells because he's fluent in this language? If so, excitement!!!
I do want to know a bit more about a trigger though--I assume that this is what triggers a spell to happen? That's an element or detail that I can see making this a special magic system or a magic system that stays interesting in concept. The end of the chapter ends up being a little melodramatic or a little out of nowhere and I can see this being better if this is rewritten and the characters of Baris and his underlings are done more smoothly but I did enjoy the one sentence 'And he was determined to leave a lot of marks on them'.
There's an amount of weight I can see that sentence holding if reworked for wording because there's potential for a lot of power. I hope that Baris and his underlings get more characterization in the future--antagonists or characters that oppose the main characters such as Ilami's mother and bullies don't seem to be your natural forte, but we'll see what happens.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.
Hi as always.
I'm torn when it comes to the magical information stuff. On the one hand, I was able to understand it (though I'm really curious as to how that fits in with the other spells we've seen in this world where it just seems like they need to mutter a few words. Or is that something you've changed as this world has evolved?
On the other, it's a lot of information all at once and it took me a while to understand it. It was also just a monologue of stuff that Gael already knows. I think you could work on making it more streamlined.
Something I didn't quite understand is the reasoning behind waht makes an object a magical trigger. Are all diamonds like that one magical triggers? What types of objects did Quaror make into magical triggers, and why did he pick those ones? Do all of these kinds of spells need triggers, and if so how common are the triggers?
This doesn't sound boring at all to me, and it's confusing the meaning of the sentence. Is there some sort of complicated process used to make a diamond do this?
I liked this part because it adds depth to Gael's life and the way he interacts with the world - the fact that he has a friendly relationship with this librarian and she thinks this highly of him says a lot about him.
I just want to say I really liked this line.
This also made me laugh.
I'm glad that Gael's deciding to fight back. I have a feeling it'll end pretty badly for him, but it shows his bravery again, and I really like the combination. He's bookish and an intellectual, but also brave and more than a little stubborn. I like it a lot. That being said, I'm surprised he's so willing to go back to the Restricted Section, because even though he's brave, he's also smart, and I feel like he'd want to lurk around and keep an eye on it, and try to find out what he can about it, rather than just charging back in there.
And that's all I've got this time!
Thanks for the review!
With this reply is a brief explanation of the magics.
There are two kind of magic in Estagria. The first one is blood magic. It requires three things; magical triggers that are created by Quaror (the diamond is one of them though its creation is a bit complex), words of ancient Esteese (the twin deities' and old Estagrian's language) and blood. The effects are dependent on the function of the magical triggers. Since the spells required some preparation, they aren't really suitable in battles unless you're a master of them.
The second one is the blessing given by the Naturals. A blessed person can do spells involving his primary element (either fire, wind, earth, and water) and a bit of other elements. I'm going to retcon and degrade this magic so that the user isn't too OP such as teleporting. >.> The spells are strictly elemental in nature and are more exhausting than using blood magic.
That makes a lot of sense! Thanks for the explanation.
Hey there, MJ back for another review!
For whatever reason, this sentence sounds off, so I would rephrase it to, "It would be three years until he needed those books".Since there's no dialogue here, I would suggest using a word other than 'exclaimed', like maybe 'cried' or 'shouted', or adding in what he exclaimed.
So I liked seeing the other side of Gael, the side that wants revenge and is determined to protect himself, and I also was excited to see how he works through this puzzle and the different complications that are introduced. There is one thing I want to discuss, so I'll move into that in the next paragraph.
You have a tendency to load the reader down with a lot of information, and you do it in an almost info-dump way. I tried to follow the paragraph about magical triggers and diamonds as well as I could, but it still was pretty heavy reading, and I think your readers will remember it more if you break it up into chunks or distributed the material a bit better. \
bBut overall, your description has really improved and made the story a lot more vivid. I'm really enjoying this plotline, and so far have no critiques with it(which is pretty unusual knowing me, so congrats), and I hope to go into more of a character analysis later if/when I have more time. Good job on this, and keep writing! Hopefully my review was helpful, and if not, let me know and I'll try and rephrase whatever parts were confusing.
Best wishes,
MJ
Hi, Lightsong. Pan back to review. I'm trying to get quicker at critiquing so I'll jump straight into the nitpicks.
Nitpicks
The expression is a little clunky here - I think 'the subject of Blood Magic' would read better than 'Blood Magic subject'. Plus I think you could avoid the repetition of 'shelf'. You could have something like this:
Gael moved from one shelf to another. It didn’t take him long to find one specialized in the subject of Blood Magic
Expression. Perhaps this:
Judging by its thickness, it contained the syllabus for both the fourth and fifth years.
There's some missing words and odd tenses here. I'm assuming you meant to say:
He rushed to the counter and had Mrs. Welewa, the librarian, carry out the process of borrowing.
I think you could probably change 'the process of borrowing' to 'the borrowing process', come to think of it. The former is a bit formal.
There's something that doesn't sit right with me about putting a dialogue tag here. It makes it seem like she's done speaking, even though she clearly isn't. If you had this:
‘I still think you need a teacher to guide you, but...’ She smiled. ‘It’s you we’re talking about. I think you can pull it off.’
Or this:
‘I still think you need a teacher to guide you,’ she said, smiling now, ‘but it’s you we’re talking about. I think you can pull it off.’
I can't quite place what feels unnatural about the dialogue as it stands, but either one of these examples would clear it up.
Is 'echoing' the word you're looking for? When something echoes, it bounces through an empty space; it doesn't pass through something solid. I can't see how a sound would echo through a castle wall.
Maybe try to rephrase this bit to get rid of the repetition.
1) 'Staff' is plural as it stands. It doesn't need an 's'.
2) You tend something 'on a weekly basis' rather than 'in weekly basis'.
I don't think this simile is quite there. You need to highlight what exactly about the sun is kingly, because it feels like a loose association at the moment. Is the sun as proud and stubborn as a king? As immovable as a king? Be a touch more precise.
In what way is telepathy boring?? Is it a commonplace thing in their world or something?
Should be 'surroundings'. The noun form is always plural.
1) It should either be 'a bright diamond was just one' or 'bright diamonds were just one'.
2) 'On' should be 'in'.
This is a bit dumb of him. The dwarf said Gael would be killed if the master found him there. I'd say that's a pretty big reason to steer clear.
Should be 'was'.
Minor grammar and phrasing points. Perhaps change it to something like:
He had to make his goal clear and imagine the outcome he desired.
Rather than being capable to something, you're capable of something. So it would be 'capable of digesting and memorizing information'.
You succeed in something rather than succeeding on it.
I think you've mashed two separate phases together here. It should either be:
so-called Sworn Brothers.
Or:
those he called 'Sworn Brothers'.
I think it should be 'contents'.
Tenses here. I think it should be 'And now, they were going to steal from him', because it's just about to happen.
As I may have mentioned before, the noun 'spectacles' is always plural when you're referring to glasses. A spectacle without the 's' is something dazzling and amazing to look at.
I also think you could do with a stronger verb than 'connected'. 'Connected' makes me think of putting USB cables into computers and linking wires together, not slamming a fist into someone's face. Verbs are hugely evocative, so you have to make sure they're appropriate for what they're describing.
The same thing here. 'Received' is a very tame word - like you're receiving a gift or a parcel or something. I'd prefer a verb with a bit more oomph to it.
Stick an 'e' on the end to make it into 'breathe'. 'Breath' is the noun form.
Switch that to past tense.
1) I'm not quite sure what you mean by 'at the end' here.
2) I think 'got' should be 'get' in this context.
Overall Points
1) You're waaaay better on the description front. It's great to get a bit of insight into what parts of the academy look and smell like, and I felt like I could fully picture where Gael was sitting. You could maybe throw in a bit of description about what Baris looks like just to help us get a picture of him, but it isn't essential.
2) I found the stuff with the magical triggers and the light diamonds quite confusing on a first read through, but it was admittedly a lot clearer the second time I went through it. I'd only suggest that you touch briefly on what magical triggers actually are - maybe mention in passing that they're vessels through which you use magic or something, because that was the thing I was having trouble understanding.
3) I do feel like Gael should be a bit more perturbed by what happened in the Restricted Area. I can understand if he's putting it out of his mind, but I can't understand why he'd even consider going back there just to check out some artifacts. You'd think he wouldn't want to go anywhere near the place after what happened last time.
4) Even though your magical system is quite complicated and multi-layered, I'm liking it more and more as the story goes on. I can tell how much you've thought about the rules, and I like the idea that different triggers can allow you to perform different spells depending on their base function. I also like that you've turned blood magic into something fairly respected and normal rather than giving it the dark undertones it typically has in fantasy.
All in all, a really strong chapter. Gael is probably my favourite character so far. I find him more relatable than Ilami and Felaris, perhaps because he's the most normal of the bunch at the moment. Looking forward to seeing what happens to him in the second half, though I hope he doesn't get too bashed up.
Hope this helped!
Keep writing!
~Pan