z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Chapter 7.2: Felaris

by Lightsong


There was no class today. Felaris wanted to interrogate Arafel’s remaining friends - Bardel and Zefos, but Seya was adamant that wouldn’t happen. The first sign to this was Seya forcing her to the entrance of the academy. She tried hard not to roll her eyes as to where they were going since the answer was obvious. They were going to the market, which would be packed during weekend.

‘Oh, please, I can hear your complaint,’ Seya said, a bright smile on her face, dragging Felaris by the hand to the main road. ‘Given what Hazir has said, I’m pretty sure Bardel and Zefos would give you the same answer. I heard Selis Wiliar release a new collection of dress recently. I wonder what kind of groundbreaking fashion would she bring.’

Felaris groaned. If there was one thing that set Seya and her apart, it was fashion. It had no purpose except for the goal of attaining beauty and attractiveness, which sometimes required the sacrifice of the wearer. Indeed, some of the ‘best’ dresses came with a waist size fitting for someone whose waist had been shaped like a doll - unrealistic. She had no need for an unpractical hobby.

‘Don’t be like that,’ Seya said, pulling Felaris’s arm closer to her. ‘It’s the market we’re going to. You can find other things there.’

‘Fine,’ Felaris said. The pavement on which they walked now led them to lines of tents, placed on both sides of the road. At this time, only horses could go through the way - Ciraciel’s current geredia had made sure the market - known as Morning Goods today - reached its maximum potential on the weekend.

As soon they neared the market, smell of fruits and foods wafted through the air. Felaris inhaled deeply; the delicious foods were one of the few compensations to the place’s boring outlook. Tents in various shades of brown - all dull - dominated the view. They went through the ones on the pavement, sellers’ yells already assaulting their ears.

Regardless of genders, the sellers wore sleeveless garments, usually in mud brown colour. The heat of Ciraciel expanded throughout the entire Estagria. As part of the North, the weather would always be one of Summer. Most of the sellers laid their goods on thin-surfaced tables - a few showed them by placing them in makeshift wooden shelves. Half of them sold foods while the rest brought other necessities and desires. Each of them tried to outdo their rivals, both in giving the best price and shouting the loudest.

‘Hmm, the noise feels like home,’ Seya said, nodding to the busyness of the place. She inspected the goods before her eyes went fixed on a particular point. Felaris followed them, and sure enough, Seya was looking at a tent that sold dresses - folded on the tables with a few of them showcased by being hung on wooden hangers. Those hangers were long sticks with a base on their feet and a hook on their head - you can pulled one of them to lengthen it and vice versa. ‘Heaven calls. Let’s go.’

Felaris sighed. When they arrived at the tent, details of the dresses were clearer. The three of them hung were sleeveless and intended to focus on the appeal of showing less. All of them had a low v-line at the chest and while they were gowns, there were a long cut to one side of their bottom. The first one was black with a few red lines accentuating its shape. A fabric rose was placed at the right side of the chest, glittered and deep red in colour. The second one was pure white. The space between its v-line were striped with shining silver fabric, giving it a creative look. Freckles decorated one side of where the sleeve should’ve been.

The last one captured Felaris’s attention. Sapphire and violet coloured it, providing a sense of illusion to it. It was the scales that interested her. Its lower part was also shorter, matched with leggings under it. While it lacked decoration, there were strings at its waist, shaped to provide some kind of holes to it. She realized it was the place to put your bladed weapons where the pointy ends of the hilts would stuck around the holes. Selis seemed to be giving the impression that the wearer of the gown could also fight in it. While the concept was wonderful, there were flaws to the dress. Its thin fabric couldn’t provide the necessary armour to the wearer. Felaris appreciated it, nonetheless, which was rare when it came to fashion.

‘The reptile-like one’s definitely made for you,’ Seya said, smiling. ‘For me though, the black one’s simply gorgeous. The rose is a nice touch. I wonder how much it costs, though.’

Felaris chuckled. ‘Seya, these dresses are for women. You’re too young for them.’

Seya raised her eyebrow. ‘I’m going to save money for it, you’ll see.’ She touched the fabric of the black one and sighed. ‘Smooth to the touch - definitely my favourite.’

Felaris shook her head, smiling. Seya was from House Lilia, known for its matriarchal structure. They manufactured fabrics, and this in turn nurtured her fascination of fashion as her parents made her to accompany them to various boutiques and factories. While other houses might view House Lilia as a harmless, vain family, Felaris knew each member of it was trained with combat to protect themselves from enemies, who, frankly speaking, often referred to men. Seya’s luscious black hair and ripe red lips were the evidence of beauty of House Lilia.

‘Well, we’ve seen enough, haven’t we?’ Felaris said, turning to the food section of the market. The smell of fried puffs and burnt sweets seduced her, pulling her with an invisible force. She found herself leading Seya to the origin of the scent.

‘Honestly, Felaris, you never change,’ Seya grumbled.

‘Whatever you say,’ Felaris said. They were in front of a tent selling food when something else caught Felaris’s eyes. At the corner of the lines of the shops was one that was hard to notice at first sight - it was overshadowed by the tall building overhead, but the goods displayed were unmistakable.

Seya noticed her change of focus - and why. ‘Felaris, I don’t think we should go -’

‘We should,’ Felaris said and strode to the tent. When they arrived there, she was right. On the table were carvings of various sizes, from ones small as a pebble to ones big as a cat. She stood there, stunned, unable to process the familiarity of the sight. She could imagine a pair of hands moving graciously even with speed. She could picture more - the eager smile of him, showing her how to carve art out of mundane wooden log.

Arafel used to pamper her with wooden carvings. Figures and toys, he could make them non-stop. It was as if when he saw a piece of wood, a mysterious part of him took control. This part of him knew only one thing: art. It was as if the god took control of his body to make masterful creations. Their father disapproved of his hobby - he was supposed to take charge of their family business one day - but Mother once said humanity laid in the beauty of art.

Tears started to well in her eyes. It had been so long since she cried, since she let anger took control of her instead of sadness. The truth was, she couldn’t bear the loss of him. He was the sunlight in her life, the roof that sheltered her from the rain others brought down to her. While her parents treated her like she was their heir, not their daughter, he treated her like she was his sister. The only sister he wanted, because she couldn’t imagine he would show the same devotion to caring to others should they take her place.

‘I told you he gave me a new figure last year. A small eagle, the symbol of our house,’ Felaris said. Her voice was broken, but she didn’t care. It felt good to let down your guards. She looked down, warm liquid finally falling down her cheek. ‘I lost it. I don’t know how I could lose it, but I lost it before I lost him. I didn’t think much about it - I was sure he would make me another one. I didn’t know - I didn’t know it would be the last.’

Her knees felt weak and she allowed them to release the burden - her. But before they could hit the ground, Seya grabbed her arms, her strength making sure Felaris was standing. She looked at Seya and saw the the determination in her friend’s eyes.

‘Look, Felaris,’ Seya said, all cheerfulness in her voice gone. ‘I know you love Arafel. He’s even perhaps the person you love most. But I’m here with you. Veris is here with you. He helps you to figure out Arafel’s death with his brain. What do you think I’m here for?’

‘I -’ Felaris didn’t know. All she could think of was the guilt of losing the last thing she had of her brother. ‘I don’t know.’

‘Then think about it!’ Seya said. ‘Don’t just think about Arafel. Don’t let his death throws your life into chaos. I’m here to let you live, Felaris. Not just breathing, but living. I understand the revenge you have, but don’t let it consume you. You’re not Arafel’s sister first and for all. You are Felaris Ashav, a fierce fighter, the loyal friend, the obedient daughter, and most importantly - you are a wonderful person. If Arafel sees you like this, do you think he’d be happy? Seeing his sister chasing people like hunters chasing their preys? Seeing the anger that would always be there in your voice?’

Seya pulled Felaris into an embrace. Finally, Felaris cried out. Releasing everything - the loss of Arafel. His smile. His mischievous eyes. The finger he put on his lips when he was about to do something others wouldn’t approve. His arms that embraced her when she felt like crying. His voice, the most soothing music she ever had.

‘Let it all out,’ Seya said softly, holding Felaris’s cheek to look at her. ‘But don’t lose yourself. Never lose yourself. I won’t allow that. Veris won’t allow that. Do you understand?’

Felaris nodded.


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Tue Oct 12, 2021 8:02 am
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This was a beautiful end to this chapter. It was a moment I didn't know I needed to see but now that I've read it, I can't imagine a more perfect choice for this particular moment in the story, you've chosen very well here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

There was no class today. Felaris wanted to interrogate Arafel’s remaining friends - Bardel and Zefos, but Seya was adamant that wouldn’t happen. The first sign to this was Seya forcing her to the entrance of the academy. She tried hard not to roll her eyes as to where they were going since the answer was obvious. They were going to the market, which would be packed during weekend.

‘Oh, please, I can hear your complaint,’ Seya said, a bright smile on her face, dragging Felaris by the hand to the main road. ‘Given what Hazir has said, I’m pretty sure Bardel and Zefos would give you the same answer. I heard Selis Wiliar release a new collection of dress recently. I wonder what kind of groundbreaking fashion would she bring.’


Ooooh, well this is not what I was expecting. I was totally expecting Felaris to do exactly what she stated in that first paragraph, but I kinda assumed her friend would simply go along with it, but hmm, it appears as if Seya wants to look out for her a bit and ensure she doesn't simply get completely consumed by her need for vengeance.

Felaris groaned. If there was one thing that set Seya and her apart, it was fashion. It had no purpose except for the goal of attaining beauty and attractiveness, which sometimes required the sacrifice of the wearer. Indeed, some of the ‘best’ dresses came with a waist size fitting for someone whose waist had been shaped like a doll - unrealistic. She had no need for an unpractical hobby.

‘Don’t be like that,’ Seya said, pulling Felaris’s arm closer to her. ‘It’s the market we’re going to. You can find other things there.’


Hmm, this is a fun little distinction to draw. I feel like now that we saw Ilami catch a break and relax with friends along with Gael in the previous one, this is going to create some nice balance by showing Felaris that way too. Scenes like that really do work wonders to develop characters, cause to see them in a more casual setting just hanging out with friends can tell you quite a bit about how they are as a human when not defined by revenge plots and the like.

As soon they neared the market, smell of fruits and foods wafted through the air. Felaris inhaled deeply; the delicious foods were one of the few compensations to the place’s boring outlook. Tents in various shades of brown - all dull - dominated the view. They went through the ones on the pavement, sellers’ yells already assaulting their ears.

Regardless of genders, the sellers wore sleeveless garments, usually in mud brown colour. The heat of Ciraciel expanded throughout the entire Estagria. As part of the North, the weather would always be one of Summer. Most of the sellers laid their goods on thin-surfaced tables - a few showed them by placing them in makeshift wooden shelves. Half of them sold foods while the rest brought other necessities and desires. Each of them tried to outdo their rivals, both in giving the best price and shouting the loudest.


Hmm...we have ourselves a nice new setting there I see, hmm, I didn't think we'd be going to any locations besides the academy from this point, but I like that we are getting some acknowledgment of the outside world, it makes the place feel much more realistic than if they did everything being inside the academy.

‘Hmm, the noise feels like home,’ Seya said, nodding to the busyness of the place. She inspected the goods before her eyes went fixed on a particular point. Felaris followed them, and sure enough, Seya was looking at a tent that sold dresses - folded on the tables with a few of them showcased by being hung on wooden hangers. Those hangers were long sticks with a base on their feet and a hook on their head - you can pulled one of them to lengthen it and vice versa. ‘Heaven calls. Let’s go.’


Oooh, I love that little hint of perhaps Seya's backstory. I love how you do manage to keep all of your characters unique and developed enough to easily identify despite the sheer number of them that we've got at the moment. Your more secondary characters also have quite a bit of rich backstory behind them and it really does show in places like these.

‘The reptile-like one’s definitely made for you,’ Seya said, smiling. ‘For me though, the black one’s simply gorgeous. The rose is a nice touch. I wonder how much it costs, though.’

Felaris chuckled. ‘Seya, these dresses are for women. You’re too young for them.’

Seya raised her eyebrow. ‘I’m going to save money for it, you’ll see.’ She touched the fabric of the black one and sighed. ‘Smooth to the touch - definitely my favourite.’


Hmm, well seeing the two friends interacting there with Seya completely in her element by the looks of things and Felaris sort of grudging following along makes for a pretty wholesome little scene. I'm loving this side of Felaris that you showcase, so far we've seen her only display anger, a desire for revenge and maybe moments of sadness. To see her act her age and be happy for once really rounds out her character well and stops her from just becoming "the villain" and I love seeing that.

Felaris shook her head, smiling. Seya was from House Lilia, known for its matriarchal structure. They manufactured fabrics, and this in turn nurtured her fascination of fashion as her parents made her to accompany them to various boutiques and factories. While other houses might view House Lilia as a harmless, vain family, Felaris knew each member of it was trained with combat to protect themselves from enemies, who, frankly speaking, often referred to men. Seya’s luscious black hair and ripe red lips were the evidence of beauty of House Lilia.


Hmm...I felt like that dipped a little dangerously into the territory of the old infodump, but I'll let that one slide cause it is still essential information that's been trickled down to us. I just feel like perhaps it can be improved by making the description a bit shorter so that it doesnt' threaten to break the flow of the scene like this is doing at the moment.

‘Well, we’ve seen enough, haven’t we?’ Felaris said, turning to the food section of the market. The smell of fried puffs and burnt sweets seduced her, pulling her with an invisible force. She found herself leading Seya to the origin of the scent.

‘Honestly, Felaris, you never change,’ Seya grumbled.

‘Whatever you say,’ Felaris said. They were in front of a tent selling food when something else caught Felaris’s eyes. At the corner of the lines of the shops was one that was hard to notice at first sight - it was overshadowed by the tall building overhead, but the goods displayed were unmistakable.


Ooooh, this is the first thing that Felaris seems to actively want to go check out..so that's an interesting detail, I feel like maybe this could be something important to come here...well, we'll find out soon enough I suppose.

Arafel used to pamper her with wooden carvings. Figures and toys, he could make them non-stop. It was as if when he saw a piece of wood, a mysterious part of him took control. This part of him knew only one thing: art. It was as if the god took control of his body to make masterful creations. Their father disapproved of his hobby - he was supposed to take charge of their family business one day - but Mother once said humanity laid in the beauty of art.

Tears started to well in her eyes. It had been so long since she cried, since she let anger took control of her instead of sadness. The truth was, she couldn’t bear the loss of him. He was the sunlight in her life, the roof that sheltered her from the rain others brought down to her. While her parents treated her like she was their heir, not their daughter, he treated her like she was his sister. The only sister he wanted, because she couldn’t imagine he would show the same devotion to caring to others should they take her place.


Oh dear here we go...well its no surprise the carving drew her eyes there...wow, well it appears we're headed towards a pretty emotional moment here...and hmm, seeing this grief is actually a really good strategy here. This sort of moment really helps justify her other actions, so far we've seen her mostly just be a bit cruel almost towards others, with slight moments of weakness, but now seeing the effect her brother's death truly has on her and having her be this vulnerable, really helps solidify what her motives are.

Her knees felt weak and she allowed them to release the burden - her. But before they could hit the ground, Seya grabbed her arms, her strength making sure Felaris was standing. She looked at Seya and saw the the determination in her friend’s eyes.

‘Look, Felaris,’ Seya said, all cheerfulness in her voice gone. ‘I know you love Arafel. He’s even perhaps the person you love most. But I’m here with you. Veris is here with you. He helps you to figure out Arafel’s death with his brain. What do you think I’m here for?’


Ahh Seya is being an even more awesome friend and this moment is constructed really well here. Its a very sad moment, and I'm somehow who doesn't always like moments like this but you've really constructed an awesome one, and one that really does quite a lot for making the motivations going on in this group of friends feel so much stronger than they were at the start.

Seya pulled Felaris into an embrace. Finally, Felaris cried out. Releasing everything - the loss of Arafel. His smile. His mischievous eyes. The finger he put on his lips when he was about to do something others wouldn’t approve. His arms that embraced her when she felt like crying. His voice, the most soothing music she ever had.

‘Let it all out,’ Seya said softly, holding Felaris’s cheek to look at her. ‘But don’t lose yourself. Never lose yourself. I won’t allow that. Veris won’t allow that. Do you understand?’

Felaris nodded.


Ahh....well, this one almost made me run for the tissues here...its such a sweet moment especially towards the end. You can see the budding nature of the friendship between Ilami and Aleveri contrasting very strongly with this much stronger and clearly much older friendship shared here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I really love this moment, at this all feels rather final so far. We've had sort of both groups of friends have a strong moment, this one of reinforcement of motive and earlier with Ilami and the foundation of a strong group of friends. Its all coming together beautifully and while I can't wait to find out what happens next. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Fri Jul 13, 2018 10:12 pm
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again!!

I liked the second half of this chapter more than the first. I really liked this last bit when we were really able to see Felaris's humanity. I love that you showed her authentic grief for her brother (the moment where she sees the wood carvings and remembers how he used to do that for her and now he can't) and that she finally unloaded her sadness. I feel for Felaris now! She's a lot more than a villain to Ilami. I totally get why she wants to find out the truth about her brother, but I like that we're seeing a deeper side to her. And I also really liked how you showed Seya being such a good friend to her.

The first part of the chapter was harder for me to follow because there were so many names to follow! I had a really hard time keeping everyone straight because so many people were mentioned and I didn't have the first clue how they were all connected and who i should care about and why. I've noticed that in other chapters too, that lots of people are named and it's hard for me to decipher who everyone is and who I need to pay attention to. I think when you go back to edit the novel, one thing to think about will be who the major players are (Ilami, Gael, Felaris) and who are the essential other people that contribute to their story. Not that you can't have a big cast, but a reader can only retain so much. So I think if you limit who shows up in each scene and really make a point to establish who the important supporting characters are it'll be easier to keep everyone straight :)

Another thing that I noticed was missing for me in the chapter was a strong sense of place. Now, this could be because I'm reading Harry Potter right now (and don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to compare because that's not fair), but if you think about Harry Potter, when they're in the castle there's always a very strong sense of where we are. They're in a magic school, but I don't have a similar sense of place. I want to feel like I'm in the school and get a sense of what this school feels like. I want a better sense of the surroundings of the school and where I am in a larger sense. This obviously won't be achieved in one draft, but it's another thing to think about when you start to think about revisions :)

Overall, my favorite part of this chapter was the human side to Felaris. Looking forward to see how she continues to handle her grief while still trying to find out the truth about what happened! Let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! :D




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Sun Sep 24, 2017 11:57 am
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, Lightsong! Let's get straight to it.

Nitpicks

Felaris wanted to interrogate Arafel’s remaining friends - Bardel and Zefos, but Seya was adamant that wouldn’t happen.


Tiny grammar nitpick. You need a second dash rather than a comma, as in:

Felaris wanted to interrogate Arafel’s remaining friends - Bardel and Zefos - but Seya was adamant that wouldn’t happen.

The first sign to this


You would say something was a sign of something, not to it.

which would be packed during weekend.


You need an article before 'weekend' - I think 'the weekend' would work best.

‘Oh, please, I can hear your complaint,’ Seya said, a bright smile on her face


This dialogue doesn't really make any sense. I think you're going for a kind of jokey, teasing feel, but it doesn't fit what she actually says. Needs rephrasing.

I heard Selis Wiliar release a new collection of dress recently. I wonder what kind of groundbreaking fashion would she bring.’


Some small tense and grammar issues here. Maybe something like this:

I heard Selis Wiliar released a new collection of dresses recently. I wonder what kind of groundbreaking fashion she's brought out.’

Something like that, anyway. I'm not totally sure about the 'groundbreaking fashion' sentence - it's a bit stilted.

As soon they neared the market, smell of fruits and foods wafted through the air. Felaris inhaled deeply; the delicious foods were one of the few compensations to the place’s boring outlook.


I agree with what Mea said about the worldbuilding not quite capturing the atmosphere. Part of it might be due to a lack of specificity, which is what we see in this quote. Try to be specific about what foods they're smelling, and about what those smells are actually like. Can they smell smoked meat? Spice? The burnt smell of something being grilled? What about warm sugar or frying onions? Delving into precise details brings the reader into the scene. At the moment, we only get Felaris's opinion on the foods and smells, which restricts the reader to her outlook and makes the scene less tangible.

Seya was looking at a tent that sold dresses - folded on the tables with a few of them showcased by being hung on wooden hangers. Those hangers were long sticks with a base on their feet and a hook on their head - you can pulled one of them to lengthen it and vice versa.


I don't think you really need the rest of this information. How important is it? You could maybe just mention that Seya was looking at dresses hanging up outside a tent. There's no need for much more detail than that.

All of them had a low v-line at the chest and while they were gowns, there were a long cut to one side of their bottom


Expression. I'm not sure what you're trying to describe here.

Freckles decorated one side of where the sleeve should’ve been.


I don't get what this means, either. 'Freckles' is a strange word to use seeing as it refers to skin markings, but I'm guessing you mean dots. But how can dots decorate where the sleeve should've been? How can they be there when there's no sleeve for them to decorate?

Sapphire and violet coloured it, providing a sense of illusion to it.


Expression. Maybe:

Sapphire and violet coloured it, providing it with a sense of illusion.

You generally provide something with something, not to it. Also, how exactly does that colouration make it resemble an illusion?

something else caught Felaris’s eyes.


The phrase is usually 'something caught my eye', with eye being singular. Don't ask me why. It doesn't make much sense, but that's the norm.

the eager smile of him


Expression. 'His eager smile' would be better.

It had been so long since she cried, since she let anger took control of her instead of sadness.


I don't think you need that second bit, personally. If you do decide to keep it, though, remember that 'took' should be 'take'.

‘I told you he gave me a new figure last year.


I thought you said Arafel died two years ago?

It felt good to let down your guards.


'Guard' should be singular here.

Don’t let his death throws your life into chaos.


This should just be 'throw'.

I understand the revenge you have


Revenge isn't really something you have, it's something you want or you get. 'I understand you want revenge' might be a better way to phrase it.

Seeing his sister chasing people like hunters chasing their preys?


The plural of 'prey' is still just 'prey'.

something others wouldn’t approve


'Something others wouldn't approve of' would be the complete way to phrase it.

Overall Thoughts

1) I like that you've taken on board my request to a) delve into the characterisation of Felaris and her friends, b) explore what they do when they're not pursuing the investigation into Arafel's death and c) expand on Arafel and Felaris's relationship. You've ticked a lot of boxes. I love the stuff about Seya's fixation on fashion (especially fashion she's too young for) and the fact that Felaris considers it a completely impractical hobby. It gives me a great sense of both of their personalities.

2) Nevertheless, be wary that character and world building still need to have a reason to be there - they should still contribute to the overall plot. If you took this section of the story out, the main thread of the story would not suffer, so it feels like it's there for its own sake. The trick is to weave character development and worldbuilding into events that are also plot-relevant. For instance, imagine if Felaris went to the market with Seya as she does here, but that while she was there she saw one of Arafel's other friends and then went to question him. That way you could still incorporate all of the background information you've developed here, but there'd be a plot-relevant reason for her to go to the market. It is just an example, but it's something you could consider when you start redrafting.

3) Maybe cut down the section where you describe the dresses. I don't think it's that important for us to know what all of them look like, so you could stand to make the description a lot more brief.

4) I like the backstory about Arafel with the carvings, especially because it relates back to his and Felaris's relationship with their parents. It's great to see Felaris being humanised, and I hope her development continues as the chapters go on.

That's it for now! Sorry it took so long for me to get a review done, but I've been having a very slow week. I hope this was helpful, even so. As always, let me know when the next chapter goes up. I can't wait to see what's next for Gael.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




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Virgil wrote a review...



Hi there Lightsong. This is Kays here dragging herself in for a third review tonight because she wants to catch up in terms of RevMo this weekend and what better day than a Friday night? I'm excited for this chapter so let's cut to the chase and begin.

I can see that there's no class today and while we've seen a few classes and moments in class such as the fight between Ilami and Felaris but I hope we see more of that in the future because most of the novel that we've seen has been out of class and while we know the librarian, I want to know more about the professors or teachers at this academy. I want to get a feel for them and their characters. Are they ever significant? Why or why not? At the moment there's a bit of a overload of characters that are the age of our protagonists Ilami and Gael instead of adult characters. Write us more adult characters--I wanna know what they're like in this world and I want to know them too, hehe.

Following up on that, I find that there are a lot of children and I hope a lot of the side characters get characterization? I almost want to see a web of all the connections in this school--who is friends with who or who is attracted to who or who is a rival to who--that'd be interesting. Like a chart that leaves a check, an x or a blank box based on how one character views another. That's a personal option though of course because that takes a lot of work but I've kind of made one of those in my mind and for fun I may put one on paper that can be changing as I read through the novel because character interactions are wonderful and fun.

In this chapter though we see more insight to both Felaris and Seya's characters even though we may not have gotten a whole ton of backstory we did get to see their characters in a more leisurely manner which is an appropriate move to humanize both of them. While Seya's already humanized and tags along with Felaris even though Felaris seems a little off her rocker about her brother's death (not saying this isn't rightly so) we hadn't gotten a more gentle Felaris before.

At least, the gentlest she's been this far anyway. Felaris even breaks down at the end of the chapter and I'm glad that this happens because she'll still be able to be a strong character and be able to cry. Even strong people cry. The more vicious girl we knew a couple chapters ago disappears and I do hope that this is an active development for her character that ends up changing her to still wanting to find the cause of death of her brother and all that jazz but also to be more stable and less filled with rage and sadness like she was before.

I agree with Mea on her part about worldbuilding and while I like the worldbuilding here I hope the rest of the novel gets the same amount of treatment and care. That the rest of the novel is just as rich and the world is developed as we uncover new places and concepts and all of that fun for the future chapters alongside our characters growing and developing. Nice job on this one, Light! This chapter is for the most part a step in the right direction and I hope you continue that path and I say this because I admit I'm still a little uneasy that this may go the opposite way at some point but I'll be here to note or say that if this does. ;)

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

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Fri Sep 22, 2017 12:46 am
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Mea wrote a review...



Hey Light. <3

The ending made me smile a lot, particularly Seya's role in it. Before, I hadn't really cared about Seya one way or the other, but now I like her a lot because of the kindness she shows here.

Overall, I think this chapter could do with more of a sense of the dramatic. Right now, I feel slightly removed from everything that's happening, as if I'm watching it from far away rather than being right beside Felaris and feeling what she feels.

Let's start with the marketplace.

As soon they neared the market, smell of fruits and foods wafted through the air. Felaris inhaled deeply; the delicious foods were one of the few compensations to the place’s boring outlook. Tents in various shades of brown - all dull - dominated the view. They went through the ones on the pavement, sellers’ yells already assaulting their ears.

I love the worldbuilding here, the details of what the sellers wear and the drab background contrasted with the colorful things they sell. But the way you describe it doesn't capture the atmosphere of the place. It doesn't feel chaotic or busy or exciting, and that has a lot to do with your sentence structure and the verbs you use. You tend to place the focus too much on Felaris and Seya, who are just walking along, rather than the interesting things around them. Try giving the smells and sights their own sentences, rather than pairing them with Felaris walking or looking around. Cut out extraneous words to leave just the images and the verbs - be concise. I'm not very good at explaining how to do this, but I know there are a few articles on YWS that talk about using vivid verbs to create the mood and draw the reader closer.

For similar reasons, the moment Felaris notices the wooden carvings doesn't feel as dramatic as it should, possibly because you spend a little bit too long on the explanation of how Arafel would make carvings just like Ayda.

But again, I really loved the dialogue at the end and particularly Seya's words of comfort. I think there should be more build-up to this chapter - after all, we've only seen one or two chapters of her having the grudge - because up until this point I hadn't really realized her grudge was weakening. But it was still really touching. :)

And I think I'll leave it there! Can't wait for the next part.





Besides, if you want perfection, write a haiku. Anything longer is bound to have some passages that don't work as well as they might.
— Philip Pullman