Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okayy...so with this one I should be able to actually finish halfway through this piece...xD I read the wrong chapter 13 earlier. Well, this one was pretty good, there was a decent amount of tension built up and the ending especially was done quite well.

Anyway let's get right to it,

‘Whatever it’s thinking, I’m pretty sure it’s bad,’ Aleveri said, looking around her. ‘We’ve known too much. I - I think we can go now.’

‘I know we shouldn’t come here,’ Haka said, grunting. He looked at the shelves, pulling his face and stepping away from them.

Ilami stared at the book, was silent for a few seconds, before she shook her head. Her other hand was turned into a fist. ‘We haven’t known enough. I still can’t figure out why the students should die for entering this place. The academy could’ve silenced them like it did to their families now. Why killed them? We need to search more. We still have time, haven’t we?’

Gael fished out his pocket watch. ‘Thirty minutes more,’ he whispered.

He didn’t know whether they should stay here or not. Half of him was intrigued with what else the Restricted Area kept hidden and the other half of him was reminded by his bare escape from his first visit here. He could still hear the Master’s voice. It seems like we have an intruder. He rubbed the back of his neck and was almost certain he could feel the Master’s breath tickling there.

He steeled himself. He wasn’t alone now. If the Master decided to appear in front of him, he had three other friends to help him fight the Master. Hopefully that would be enough.

‘Let’s search this place until time’s up,’ Gael said. ‘Aleveri and I can search this... library, while you and Haka explore again the Artifacts Room.’

Ilami threw a flat stare at the shelves. ‘Good idea.’

Aleveri sighed, shaking her head while Haka grunted more. He and Ilami exited the library, leaving Gael and Aleveri with the cursed books.

Aleveri turned to him and rubbed her arms. ‘We should be quick. I feel like these books are staring at me. It’s disturbing.’

After checking briefly some of the books, Gael felt nauseated. How did the academy find these books, written by the most loathsome authors he had ever known? Presenting your theory in a bland way was one thing; displaying a theory that was immoral and forbidden in a confident and righteous way was another. Without being aware of it, he growled.

‘I’ll be tempted to burn this book too. Xesar’s fire,’ Aleveri hissed, voicing his thought. ‘Check this one.’ The book she gave him was held with the tips of her two fingers.

Most philosophers and religious figures agree Nerecia forbids the study of human modification. They argue that changing the nature of a person goes against the teaching of Nerecia, which encourages the manipulation of natural elements instead. However, an aspect they often do not bring up is the philosophy of Lio, God of Earth. Lio makes it clear in his principals that in order to eradicate evil, we are allowed to use any mean to achieve our goal. This philosophy of Lio becomes the prime reason scientists and magic users in Estagria are involved in human modification.

Gael felt like laughing after reading it. What a joke, he thought. This book was written by a comedian. ‘That’s it. We’re done here,’ he said and went through the door to the Artifact Room. Aleveri didn’t say anything, but he heard her low footsteps following him.

‘What do you guys find?’ Gael asked.

Haka shrugged and leaned against the wall at one side of the room.

Ilami shook her head. ‘Nothing much,’ she said, gesturing to the display of artifacts in glass cases. ‘We find more of these. Since artifacts are extremely valuable, it makes sense the academy keep them in this room and forbid others from entering it.’ She bit her lower lip. ‘Still not enough...’

Ilami’s determination scared Gael. There was no need putting themselves at risk any longer. ‘We’re going out whether you like it or not,’ he said firmly. He nodded at Aleveri.

Both of them moved across the room before Haka joined them. When they were at the stairs, Gael looked at Ilami, raising his eyebrow. Ilami stood there for a few seconds before she let out a low sigh and moved toward them. She stopped in the middle of the room, however, turning her head to her left.

‘What is that?’ she asked, turning left, walking through glass cases of artifacts.

Gael groaned and walked toward her. Maybe he had to drag her out of this room. As he followed her eyes, he thought of how they had explored everything in this room. There shouldn’t be nothing else they hadn’t find -

A doorknob. He was looking at a doorknob, attached to the wall. As his eyes lingered, he found a thin rectangular line around it, the shape of it made him think of a door. He stood beside Ilami, both of them staring at the wall. They missed it. They didn’t think of paying special attention to the wall and missed it.

The doorknob twisted, freezing them.

‘Gael. Ilami,’ Haka whispered. ‘Come here.’

Gael was about to turn around, but the wall - no, the door - cracked, revealing a furry creature behind it. His eyes glowed red.

‘Ah, what a surprise,’ he said. The familiarity of his voice sent Gael’s stomach into chaos. He was the Master. ‘I wasn’t wrong thinking there was something unusual in the air.’ He took a deep breath and showed his fangs.

Despite her eyes widening, Ilami chanted, ‘[insert spell]’, and two fireballs appeared on her palms. She threw them to the Master, but before they could touch him, they hit a barrier which created a ripple-like effect and vanished.

He pulled Ilami back, retreating from the Master. The gears in his mind worked furiously. Despite knowing full well they couldn’t beat the Master - even when they outnumbered him - he thought of ways to defeat him, at least long enough for them to escape. A Seshier took form of the animal soul he touched with his own. The attributes he gained from it - strength, agility, endurance - would multiply. And he used a wolf form, which made him more lethal.

‘I can’t open the door!’ Aleveri’s shout was high-pitched, fueled by her fear. ‘It won’t open!’

A loud growl came from the Master before Gael realized he was laughing. ‘Why do you think the room is unlocked in the first place. I prefer trapping rats rather than shooing them away.’

Serra, Xesar, please help us, Gael prayed. Bless us with your wisdom and strength. Get us out of here.

It must be done, the voice whispered to him. Why it made itself known now was beyond Gael. I’ve seen all of them and you survive in each one.

As they stepped back, they hit the wall. They could run toward Haka and Aleveri, but it had no use. The outcome would still be the same - the Master would kill them. Aleveri, Haka, Ilami - they were as lacking bless as Gael was at the moment. This was it. This was the end for him, and it was all because he let his curiosity slave him.

And then, a figure stepped in front of them, his back against them. ‘[insert spell]’. Earth started to cover Haka’s body, adapting to his shape and became his armour. He cracked his knuckles. ‘He might be immune to direct magic, but this armour would still be effective.’ He turned back to them, smiling savagely. ‘I’ll beat him.’

Hi, Lightsong! Pan dropping in for a review. Let's get to it.

Small Comments

‘Whatever it’s thinking, I’m pretty sure it’s bad,’ Aleveri said, looking around her. 'We’ve known too much. I - I think we can go now.’

‘I knew we shouldn’t have come here,’ Haka said, grunting. He looked at the shelves, pulling a face and stepping away from them.

‘We don’t know enough. I still can’t figure out why the students should died for entering this place. The academy could’ve silenced them like it did to their families now. Why killed them? We need to search more. We still have time, don’t we?’

If the Master decided to appear in front of him, he had three other friends to help him fight the Master. Hopefully that would be enough.

The scope of the experiments reached the entire Sterla, the planet they were in.

After checking briefly some of the books, Gael felt nauseated. How did the academy find these books, written by the most loathsome authors he had ever known? Presenting your theory in a bland way was one thing; displaying a theory that was immoral and forbidden in a confident and righteous way was another.

‘We found more of these.

‘He’s a Seshier,’ Gael whispered.

he thought of ways to defeat him, or at least hold him off long enough for them to escape.

it was all because he let his curiosity enslave him.

‘He might be immune to direct magic, but this armour will still be effective.’

I knew it was a trap! (Okay, actually, I didn't, but I 100% expected them to get caught.)

For me, the most fascinating part about this was everyone's reaction to finding the blasphemous material and how that affected their opinions on whether or not they should just get out of there.

Ilami - I find it telling and expected that Ilami, once presented with a small bit of evidence, insists they need to dig deeper and uncover the conspiracy, presumably so they can expose it. When presented with what she sees as evil, she wants to chase it down and destroy it. This is exactly what I'd expect of her based on what I know so far.

Aleveri - In contrast, Aleveri just wants to leave and forget they saw anything. I think this is a really good contrast to have. It shows that she's less curious and less brave, but also possibly more rational - she's right that this knowledge is dangerous and could get them killed. However, she doesn't argue her point of view, instead going along with what the others do, showing that she's hesitant and not confident in herself.

Haka - I feel like you're missing out on an opportunity to characterize him more. He thinks they shouldn't have come, but why? He doesn't strike me as someone who would get cold feet because he's afraid. I think he doesn't really care what horrors the academy is up to - I think he thinks it's none of his business and he wants to stay out of the whole thing, and that he doesn't care that people have been killed because of it. But I really don't know, and you missed an opportunity to give us an insight here.

Gael - Gael's scared, and you do a good job of showing that fear and then him rejecting it. But you don't tell us his reasons for staying, other than that he thinks they can fight the Master. What more information does he think he's going to find? What does he think he's going to do with that information?

I thought the twist that the Master had been waiting for them the whole time was a well-executed twist, but that him being a Seshier felt a bit convenient because we'd never heard of a Seshier until now. Because we don't understand the limits of the magic system or all the things you can do with it, I don't even have a good sense for how powerful or rare Seshiers are, though I'm assuming fairly powerful. It just feels out of the blue, since until now the magic system revolved entirely around spells, with no mention of channeling animal spirits.

All in all, definitely my favorite chapter yet. The continued disgust reactions from the four did a really good job of creeping me out and starting to feel the horror they feel at what they've walked into. I still think it's possible that it'll turn out the people doing this actually have good motives for researching this stuff and that they actually do want to improve people's lives, but they're killing people to keep it quiet, so either way... pretty awful.

And I'll leave it at that! Can't wait for the next part, so get writing!