A/N: Initially, The Test was supposed to be one that only first-year students get through, in order to separate them into the best and the worst, and also to reward them for their effort. Since all the students have been aged up – Ilami, 16; Felaris, Gael, Seya, Veris, Aleveri, Haka, 18 – I changed it to something that only happened every four years to the final-year students.
‘That’s what he said,’ Ilami said, sitting on the chair. She was in Felaris’s room with Felaris, Seya and Veris. ‘I don’t know what he meant about me being not worthy, but I’m planning to prove him otherwise.’
Sitting on her bed with Seya next to him, Felaris raised her eyebrow. ‘How are you going to do that?’
‘By winning the Test,’ Ilami said, nodding.
The Test was also known as the Gods’ Brotherhood Tournament, since it was held by the Gods’ Brotherhood Church and helped by the academy once every four years. Only the top four final-year students of each category – Fighter and Scholar – participated in it, chosen by their teachers. The participators list was given out a month before the test took place – Ilami, Seya, Felaris and Haka took the spots for the Fighters’ test. If Ilami wasn’t mistaken, Gael and Aleveri managed to get the spots for the Scholars’ test.
‘You do know you’re up against Seya and me, don’t you?’ Felaris said with a hint of amusement. ‘I’ve seen Haka fight too – he’s also a tough opponent.’
‘Well, there’s a high chance Mr. Haifei would tell me the academy’s secret if I win,’ Ilami said carefully. ‘Your plan to have Scholar students search the laboratories ended up being a failure, doesn’t it?’ Apparently Hazir, who Ilami found out was a Scholar student and also flirted with Felaris, couldn’t find any secret passage in the laboratories.
Felaris hissed. ‘Careful, girl. The searching wasn’t the only thing my friends and I had planned. Veris had went to the Gods’ Brotherhood Church to find some information that might have a link with what’s happening in the secret room beyond the Restricted Area.’ She nodded to Veris.
‘The church is so fascinating,’ Veris said, his voice low. Seeing Felaris’s and Sensa’s expressions, he shook his head slightly. ‘What I meant to say is that the church works differently than others. For one, its pretty aggressive when it comes to spreading its belief.’
‘What do you mean by that?’ Ilami didn’t care about churches – even Mother was neutral about it – so she didn’t follow much the updates of the main churches.
‘Well, there are four main churches in Estagria – Boundless Sky; Divine Lake; Fire Passion; Gods’ Brotherhood – each worshiping a primary Natural. Now, the churches preach in a passive manner, meaning that they present their beliefs as something a religious Estagrian can practice. However, when it comes to Gods’ Brotherhood Church, it feels inclined to enforce its belief on others.’
Ilami frowned. The church sounded like Mother. ‘That’s… weird and regressive. Don’t the other churches oppose it?’
‘They do,’ Veris said, nodding, ‘but their objections are just that – words. It doesn’t help that the king favors Gods’ Brotherhood. Not only its followers, the Lio-blessed citizens, are the majority of the country, but it’s also supported by the Xesar-blessed, which is the second largest. Even without the king’s support, the church has the most followers, by a large margin. These facts give it enough power to assert authority.’
‘What does it have to do with the illegal experimentation?’ Ilami asked, folding her arms.
‘We’ll get there, I promise,’ Veris said. ‘Arafel suspected Gods’ Brotherhood was behind the assassination of Denizen, a prominent politician vying for the geredia postion in Ciraciel. Have you heard of him?’
‘Denizen...’ Ilami did hear of the name. ‘He said omething about acceptance? Universal love, that sort of thing. I don’t really follow politics...’
‘Nerecia and politics?’ Felaris asked. ‘You don’t follow these two important aspects of Estagrians?’
Ilami brushed away her mocking tone, aware of its trivial nature. ‘It doesn’t matter. Continue, Veris.’
Veris looked at both of them and sighed, shaking his head. ‘Well, what Denizen aims is something Gods’ Brotherhood opposes. Love between two people regardless of gender? Blasphemy. Giving a second chance to criminal, no matter how severe his crime is? Unimaginable. Just like the other churches, Gods’ Brotherhood expresses its objections publicly, but in a louder degree. Arafel suspecting it to be behind the assassination of Denizen – and having the sufficient evidence to back up his claim – is enough reason for the church to assassinate him.’
Ilami was shocked. ‘Wait – are you saying that the church has something to do with Arafel’s death?’
Veris nodded. ‘If it can kill an influential politician, what can a student do to it? We are still looking for the drawing Arafel has made. If he did have a photogenic memory as Sensa claimed he did, then that picture would be hard evidence to support his claim. The fact that Gods’ Brotherhood came up with the idea of the Test and how the prizes – the artifacts – are held in the Restricted Area, I believe there are more possibilities the church has connection with the students’ death.’
Ilami frowned. ‘I can see how the church can have something to do with the Restricted Area, given its the founder of the Test, but about the assassination… I think Arafel’s picture isn’t going to prove much. He’s not a witness artist – he doesn’t have the qualifications to produce a picture of evidence.’
Seya shrugged. ‘I hate to admit it, but she has a point.’
Veris sighed. Felaris kept her silence as if she wanted to see where this conversation would go.
Ilami’s hands clutched each other. She had been planning to tell them when she asked their help, but the thought of them knowing made her stomach churn. It was different than when she told Gael or Aleveri – at least she had some friendly connection with them. She didn’t feel the same way with Felaris and her friends. Seya might be the most cordial among them, but Ilami felt it was for some other reason. Veris’s politeness seemed something he obligated to do, while Felaris seemed to test her all the time.
‘There’s something I have to tell you. I – I don’t just want to know what’s happening because it’s wrong, but also because – it’s also because I was involved in it, whether I like it or not.’ She bit her lip before taking a deep breath. ‘The first student who died – Dayel. I killed his father, Zivil. Mother forced me too.’ She said the last part quickly.
They just looked at her. Silence dominated the room. This wasn’t what she expected; she thought they would give a visible reaction upon hearing her secrets, like Gael and Aleveri did. Ilami shifted her position – they had to say something.
‘I knew Venaria isn’t as good as people make her to be,’ Felaris said, her voice deeper than before. ‘I can see how Alyosha becomes just like her.’
Ilami didn’t say anything back. Had she a reason to do so? What Felaris said was true. Even she didn’t know the true extent of Mother’s will until she witnessed it herself – until she was a part of it. Although she didn’t agree with Alyosha emulating Mother – her brother didn’t have the clinical air Mother had – she thought it didn’t matter much. It didn’t matter if she defended her family or not – what had happened still happened.
‘Don’t be too harsh,’ Seya said surprisingly. She glanced at Felaris, tilting her head at Ilami, before turning her attention to her. ‘Each family has its own secret. If House Uora has our own secrets, I bet a Grand House like XieZhi’s has even more. No one person is completely white or black.’
Veris nodded. ‘That being said, I’m curious as to why Venaria would want you to kill Zivil. I get that she might want to make an assassin out of you – I recalled your words with Haifei that you used dagger and it was an assassin’s weapon – but she hasn’t asked you to do anything assassin-like, has she?’
Ilami frowned, thinking about it. Then, she hook her head. ‘No, she hasn’t,’ she said, and remembered the wolf man, the Seshier. ‘And I don’t think she will. I’m sure she has much more qualified people to do assassination for her.’
‘At the end, what she accomplished was to make her look bad in front of you,’ Felaris said matter-of-factually.
Somehow, her words stung. It wasn’t like Ilami was close to Mother or anything, but would there be a mother who wanted her daughter to see her in a negative light? What kind of mother was that?
‘Anyway, when the Test is undergoing, I will check on the office of Kestari, the head priest. He’ll be here until it’s over,’ Veris said. Seeing Ilami’s raised eyebrows, he smiled. ‘It’s a huge risk, of course, but I’ve learned a lot from Seya. She’s one of Uora’s promising spymaster. Not to mention, a lot of people will focus more on the Test rather than the mansion.’
‘Okay,’ Ilami said, though her inside was anything but okay.
She doubted Veris. Not because of his character, but because he’d do the spying alone. If he was right, perhaps Seya would be more fitting to do the job. If only Seya wasn’t one of the top Fighter students in the academy. At the end, she had to trust them – Veris. She didn’t know him much, but if he added the number of students’ deaths, she didn’t doubt she would do something by her own, even if it meant putting her life on the line.
End of chapter
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140,681 Literary Works • 673,591 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okayy...sooo...this ending to this chapter feels like its miles away from where this chapter started...xD, I feel like you could easily put these as two seperate ones, it doesn't fully seem to link to each other two well in terms of being one cohesive chapter, but I suppose the events take place fairly close to each other so its not that bad. At any rate, a very interesting end point on this one...it appears our second major life threatening plan could be in action here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oooh, well they certainly are the best I suppose. That's an interesting tidbit to file away for later. That could be an interesting moment to come with them having to fight against each other I suppose for the test to have a winner. Although hmm, I was expecting a much more intense act by Ilami...possibly involving her trying to defeat Mr. Haifei himself, this also seems like it would be pretty interesting.
Okayyy....so we're veering off a little bit from that and to these plans. This is proving to be pretty interesting at any rate....I guess we're just sort of rushing through these not so important plans that Ilami is not involved in because they don't quite have the same level of impact that some of these other plans have and it seems they are mostly failing at the moment.
Okayy...so it sounds like one of those rather classic cases of a majority forming and having the power to get the others to comply with their beliefs. Definitely very realistic to how things tend to happen when humans are involved...but I don't quite know how this is going to end up tying into this academy...I suppose it could tie in Lio and that whole tussle between the naturals, but yet its hard to see if its important.
Okayy...so we're learning of assassinations and how the church has been able to do those. So far, its a lot of background information so I'm still not sure what Veris is trying to get at here...I feel like maybe this is going a little too long to get to the point, I feel like maybe at least Veris could state of conclusion and be like the brotherhood does x and then go on this slightly long tangent to provide his evidence of sorts.
Okayy...so there we go, that's the connection and it actually does sound compelling if a little bit of a stretch...hmm, I do think yeah, this would work better if Veris opened by saying how the church could be responsible and then he clarified why he thinks that way afterwards rather than the other way around.
Okayyy....well...that came out of nowhere, but I like that. Ilami seems to realize that maybe things aren't going to reach a conclusion unless presents this piece of information she has so she risks this shaky alliance to ensure they know everything. That's certainly a great quality of hers there...certainly very brave and let's hope they take it well.
Okayy...well...that's a better reaction than I hoped for. Glad to see these others do think before they act and realize where the true blame needs to lie for these actions. ALthough they are certainly understandably shocked but definitely not surprised by Mrs. Venaria's actions there.
Okayy..so they're handling this pretty well, it looks like this still rather tentative alliance is certainly going to at least survive this particular revelation although there is not telling what will happen in the future.
Okayy...well it looks like they now have another sort of major plan with lives being put at risk with this one planning to sneak into the quarters of someone who's probably very capable of killing to protect secrets...and this time its going to be a solo mission as well, so things are certainly getting interesting.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I think we're off to a good start with what feels like maybe the second major arc of the story. We had the first arc with The Restricted Area mission and now its this day of the test and sneaking into a dangerous person's quarters..well I'm looking forward to reading how it ends up happening.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hiya Lightsong! I think I assumed that I'd reviewed this after I read it (silly me) which is why it's taken a while for me to get round to a critique. No matter! Review Day has arrived and I'm here to catch up.
Small Comments
'Helped' is rather vague. Do they host the tournament? Fund it? Be more specific.
Three things here.
1) How is Ilami a final-year student even though she was (a) admitted to the Academy only at the beginning of the story and (b) is two years younger than the other competitors? I'm guessing she must've been sent to the academy at a younger age than is standard, owing to her advanced abilities, but I can't remember if you clarified that anywhere.
(In all fairness, I imagine point (a) is something you'll probably straighten out in redrafting, with the new ages in mind).
2) I do agree with Mea that it's odd for the tournament to be held only every four years. What's the reason for that?
3) It does seem a bit...convenient that practically everyone entered into this tournament is a character we've already met. I'd expect maybe one of the fighter students to be a random kid that Ilami didn't know. Still, that's not a major issue. I can stretch my suspension of disbelief.
Why's that? This just seems like faulty logic. The staff know she's trying to expose the academy's secret. I highly doubt that doing well on a test would make them forget that fact and spill all to her. There's also the fact that she knows - or at least has solid suspicions about - what the secret is. Why does she need Mr Haifei to tell her in the first place? It sort of feels like you're going backwards to me.
The tense of a tag question should mirror the tense of the main clause - in this case, past.
Didn't we already know this? I'm sure this was strongly hinted at way earlier in the story.
Just a few tense issues here.
Overall Thoughts
1) Okay, so let's get the concerns out of the way first. My biggest worry with this chapter is that you seem to be shifting away from the stealthier means of investigating the Academy in favour of Ilami winning the Test. Why does this bother me? Several reasons. Most pressingly, I don't believe that winning the test would make Mr Haifei spill the academy's secrets. I found his sudden comment about worthiness jarring in the last chapter, and it continues to perplex me here. Considering that the academy has been killing people to maintain this secret, I think it would take more than Ilami doing well on a test to convince Mr Haifei to risk his safety by telling all. It just doesn't sit right with me.
There's also the fact that the Test has hardly been mentioned. Until you brought it up at the very beginning of this chapter, I'd forgotten all about it, so it feels weird to just pull out something half-forgotten and turn it into a major plot point. I suppose that can be resolved in redrafting, though - it's just a matter of integrating it into the plot better.
My final concern is that it feels like you're lowering the stakes. We've gone from Ilami sneaking into a restricted area where people have died, fighting a Seshier and almost losing two of her friends. Now she's turning her attention towards an...academic test. Which I'm sure will entail a lot of fighting and drama, given the nature of it, but it's not exactly life-and-death. It feels like a step back.
It may be, of course, that it isn't your plan to focus on the Test, or that the Test is far more dangerous than I'm picturing. However, I thought I'd still share my thoughts with you, because it does make me uneasy if that's the direction you're heading in.
2) Like Mea, I agree that the threat of the church feels very distant and abstract. You continually tell us that they're dangerous and controlling, but we don't get to see any of that in action, so I can't relate to the threat of it. Make the Gods' Brotherhood's influence affect the characters lives, in both big ways and small. Does the church control what they can be taught in school? Are teachers of other faiths being dismissed from the academy? Are books being banned? Build up a sense of their control gradually, and make it affect the characters personally.
3) An element of this chapter I was really pleased with was the discussion of Zivil's assassination. I've been wondering why Venaria forced Ilami into that for ages, and I'm glad to see that the matter isn't resolved. Felaris's comment about it making Venaria look bad is particularly interesting. I wonder if Venaria was deliberately trying to turn her daughter against her, though I can't think why. Nor why she would choose that method when there would've been plenty of other ways. We shall see.
Anyhoo, I think that's about all I've got to say for now. As ever, not a bad chapter, but I'm a bit perplexed by Ilami's logic and not altogether sure about the Test. I am glad to see Felaris and co. cooperating with Ilami, though. Their dynamic is interesting. I still quite like Felaris - she's one of your more individualised characters, though I still think you could stand to differentiate all of them a lot more.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Hey Light! I'm back again as always, and this time on Review Day! (Also, we need to just hang out and chat sometime. Message me on Discord if you see me around! It's been ages since we've chatted outside of reviews.)
Anyway, on to the review.
I like that we're seeing more of the secondary group of Felaris, Veris, and Seya. That being said, I felt like their personalities just didn't quite shine in this chapter. I liked their silent reaction to Ilami's secret, but their dialogue didn't feel like *them*. Still, all the plot stuff going on is really interesting, especially because Veris wants to do all the spying alone - I'm still not sure I trust him.
So, I feel like it doesn't make sense for the Test to be held every four years if it's meant for all the final-year students to take. Because every year, there'll be a new group of final-year students, so shouldn't it be held every year?
Why does Ilami think that Mr. Haifei would do that? Is it just because her winning would impress him? I'm also glad that you're sort of skipping over the failed plan here, rather than having spent a lot of time on it, because it shows them having a setback but also keeps the plot moving. I think you could maybe cut even more from this chapter if you wanted.
What does their enforcing the belief look like? Why don't Ilami and most of the other people know about this, if the Gods' Brotherhood Church operates nearby? Wouldn't they be being forced to live this church's beliefs? I just find it a little hard to believe that if this Church is doing things as drastic as that, that Veris is explaining it as if it were an interesting political problem in a different country. It just doesn't feel immediate, or like this church is a threat. It feels like they're talking about something far away.
I think that's most of what I've got for you today - I also liked the logical way in which they realized that the church is probably involved, though I think there could have been a little more shock there, since the prospect of the church being involved makes everything all the more dangerous. So far, the characters haven't had any interaction with Denizen and his followers, or with the church, so I'll be interested to see how that changes.
And I'll leave it at that! As always, I can't wait for the next part! Keep writing. <3
its nice