Chapter 21.1: Ilami

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well...a powerful start to this new chapter here..with the expected outcome, but one that reveals a few extra things as well. I have a feeling this is one of those more pivotal moments here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

When she had made sure her fire had turned the surface of the ground to ash, she let it vanish. Other the part where Haka shielded with his earth wall, he wouldn’t be able to manipulate the ground. Which meant he couldn’t set up his signature battleground.

‘What have you done to Felaris, Haka?’ Ilami asked, her hand turned into a fist. The other held her sword.

‘Do we have time for this? We’re supposed to fight, Ilami, not chat,’ Haka said, his half-opened eyes lacking life. ‘I did what was necessary. It was bound to happen. Also, isn’t Felaris your enemy?’

Ilami gritted her teeth. ‘She’s my friend. She might not see me in the same light, but I have come to respect her as such. I need answers. What happened to you?’

Well...it looks like he can still talk normally, with that previous fight I was worried that he was only talking in some sort of monotone controlled by some other force, but it seems he can still try and his ever so brutal dismantling of Felaris was because he though of her as a proper enemy.

Ilami laughed bitterly. ‘We’re fighting each other, Haka. Getting hurt is what it’s all about.’ She needed to provoke him. An angry opponent had lesser focus. ‘Gael wouldn’t want to see you like this. Like a monster.’

Haka’s eyes flashed red, and in an instance, he was right in front of her. She felt her energy draining as he kicked her in the stomach, sending her a few meters away. She struggled to breath for a few seconds, clutching her stomach to lessen the pain. Strong. Haka was too strong. Oddly so.

‘Don’t you dare mention him in front of me,’ Haka hissed. ‘Especially in that way. I can take your life at anytime.’

OKayy...so he's just getting out death threats, this is definitely not the Haka we know, but someone who has cranked his usual personality upto the maximum here, at least he does still seem to respond to things like Gael's concern fairly normally...so there's hope and yet I'm afraid that Ilami is going to get seriously injured here.

Just before he could hit her, she blasted him with fire, throwing him back. A ball of fire appeared in her hand, ready for being used. It was a continuous spell, able to blast fire to her opponent. Before Haka could stand, she blasted him again and again, prompting him to continue evading. On the fourth blast, he blocked it with an earth wall, before pushing the wall to Ilami. She tried shattering it with her fire, but it proved to be sturdy.

The wall gave Haka enough time to sneak behind her and landed her another punch, this time to her back, throwing her away. Her face landed first on the ground. She was certain the wall was the oncoming attack that she didn’t consider the possibility of him using it as a distraction. She rubbed her back and groaned. The pain was too much to come from an ordinary punch.

I love this transition from that opening salvo of conversation there to the actual fighting once the conversation ends up at a sort of standstill there, its a lovely flow there and you easily visualize all of this going down here.

She couldn’t fight him from a short distance. When he sneaked behind her back, she felt her energy leaked again, and this time, she was sure the effect took place in a short radius around him. She had to use that spell. She unsheathed her sword and uttered, ‘Ignis waracia, legacia, melicia.’ She felt as though Gael was speaking with her. The thought was reassuring.

Fire spiraled out around the sword, enveloping it. Then, the blade became as long as Ilami willed it to be. Right now, it reached her feet, burning. She looked at Haka with intensity.

‘Advanced spell,’ Haka uttered, tilting his head. ‘It’s the one you’ve practiced with Gael, isn’t it? I forgot what it did. Doesn’t matter though –’

Well, it seems Haka is always going to be supremely confident, and considering what we've seen so far, he has a right to be. I get the feeling that Ilami will certainly put up a longer fight against Haka cause she expects him to be much more deadly and knows a bit more about his usual attacks, but she is certainly going to lose, Haka is simply too powerful from what you described earlier, the only way I see her winning is if she uses a psychological advantage of some sort.

For now, Haka was out of her range. Which was good. But it also meant she couldn’t beat him, and they had to defeat each other for the fight to end. It reminded her of the battle she had with Zivil. It reminded her of his blood. His plead. The spell she used now, she had used against him. She stared at the ground. Who was the monster now? Haka, who was forcefully experimented on, or she, who was forced to kill someone and lived to shoulder the guilt?

A whoosh sounded and as she looked up, she saw Haka in front of her, raising his fist. Tiredness began to seep into her, but she managed to hold up her sword and block his earth-covered punch. Thankfully the fire added to the sturdiness of the sword. It melted his fist armour rapidly, turning it into mud. Haka hissed and readied his other fist. Before he could punch, Ilami kicked his stomach with the last bit of energy she had, managing to throw him back a little bit.

Well, Ilami is fighting out of her skin here and I love that parallel you draw there to show how dangerous this fight is and how that earlier fight might have prepared her somewhat better for this no matter how much she's going to continue to hate what her mother put her through.

Haka’s lines of earth spikes had started to cover the field. They jutted out from under the ash. He had channeled his energy at the part that was defended by his wall when Ilami conjured the fire to consume the place. There was nothing she could do to shatter all of them. She didn’t have enough energy for fire blasts. She could only run.

As she did so, she swung out her burning sword, which turned into a whip. It elongated towards Haka and tied itself around him, melting his earth armour rapidly. Despite being tied, he didn’t lose his concentration, and so the spikes jutted out towards Ilami.

Hmm well it seems even this enhanced Haka does have his limits, its good to see that when met with enough resistance he can in fact get tired, but still I highly doubt Ilami will win this, she's getting tired much faster than he is.

Ilami gritted her teeth. Her whip shortened, pulling her to Haka with enough force her feet went to the air. The spikes followed. When she got near, she felt him draining her energy. She held her sword tightly with everything she had before her whip elongated again, throwing her to the other side of Haka. Haka was forced to stop the spikes as they would strike him instead. His spell had stopped.

‘Get this damn thing away from me,’ Haka hissed as the whip had gone through his armour and now was trying to melt his skin.

‘Not feeling superior now, are we?’ Ilami said, smiling slightly.

Hmm, okay...the first time I've spotted Haka in actual trouble so far, is there a chance for Ilami after all....hmm, that would be very surprising, considering how you've shone Haka to just be ridiculously overpowered compared to the others.

But she didn’t evade the real threat. Her energy drained again. She turned back to see Haka raising his earth-covered hand and letting it hit her face, throwing her to the ground. She tried to stand up, but she felt her knees getting weak, as if they were made from brittle wooden sticks. Her breath became long and heavy. She saw Haka standing next to her, his hand holding a spike. The red flashes in his eyes burned clearer.

‘This is the end,’ he whispered, stabbing her stomach with his spike.

Only it didn’t. As the spike was about to hit her, he stopped, unable to move.

‘That is enough,’ Mr. Haifei said as he joined them. ‘You have won, Haka. You are the victor of the Fighter test. There is no need to kill your opponent.’

She lost. She thought she could win, but apparently Haka was tenfold stronger after being experimented. She didn’t anticipate this. She closed her eyes, finally surrendering to sudden exhaustion. At least she did what Gael asked her to do. After facing Haka, she hoped so much Gael would know what had been done to him.

Well...that was expected, although wow, Haka really went right for the kill there, good thing that Mr. Haifei managed to step in and stop that...or that could've been disastrous..now it seems Ilami won't get to achieve her goal and things are going to go a bit downhill for them, this is a definite low point for the "good" side here...and we'll see how they deal with it. I'm going to assume that through all of this that other plan with Veris is also going to be happening...or am I remembering this wrong?

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I do think we're at an important moment here in the story, and I am very excited how you're going to take things forward from here cause you know expect to see some good things happen to the protagonists...well, let's see. For now though, that is it.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hey, Light! I can't believe I somehow missed reviewing this when you put it out a few days ago. And man, you've been writing like crazy!

This part was great, especially the first half. I've always had a bit of a hard time with your fight scenes - sometimes you get bogged down in the blow-by-blows of the fight and they wind up not that suspenseful and a bit hard to follow.

But not here. I could tell it was different - I felt like we were in Ilami's head more, feeling what she feels, following her thought process, which really helped make the fight more intense. Following her emotions, the way the dialog between her and Haka revealed and worked with those emotions - all of that really drew me into the story.

DarkPan's review is really good and I agree with most of her points. You could definitely make this better and more streamlined, particularly the second half. But I also wanted to make sure you know you've improved a lot, and I really noticed it here.

She felt as though Gael was speaking with her. The thought was reassuring.

I really liked this tidbit, it just made me smile.

For now, Haka was out of her range. Which was good. But it also meant she couldn’t beat him, and they had to defeat each other for the fight to end. It reminded her of the battle she had with Zivil. It reminded her of his blood. His plead. The spell she used now, she had used against him. She stared at the ground. Who was the monster now? Haka, who was forcefully experimented on, or she, who was forced to kill someone and lived to shoulder the guilt?

I feel like this part *almost* works, but needs just a little nudge for the emotions to really fit. I feel like "who was the monster now?" doesn't really fit, because nothing has changed in the last few moments - it's just that Ilami's remembering something. Instead, something like "Who was the monster here, really? Could she really call Haka a killer, after what she had done?" would fit better with her thought process. I also feel like she shouldn't spend quite so long paralyzed by this thought - even half a second is so costly in battle.

Overall, I really like that she has this thought, and that she does still feel conflicted over what happened, as well as the fact that none of this is technically Haka's fault. I can't wait to see where both conflicts go.

The one thing that I thought consistently didn't work throughout the battle scene was the tiredness thing - tiredness usually conveys a lack of both physical and mental energy brought on over the course of a whole day, or when you're running on a lack of sleep. It's not the same thing as physical exhaustion, and so when you used the word I really couldn't tell if Haka is specifically casting a spell that's draining Ilami's energy, or if she's getting worn out from her wounds, or from casting her own spells and the other physical exertion of fighting.

And I really like that Ilami loses. There needs to be failure here, the stakes need to go higher, and you've done exactly that. It shows us how powerful he is and throws everything for the future into uncertainty. It's great.

And I think I might leave it there for today! I'll be back tomorrow to review the next part! Let me know if you have any questions. <3

Hiya, Lightsong! It's been too long. What better way for me to get back on the #revmo wagon than with this story?

Small Comments

Other than the part [place?] where Haka shielded with his earth wall, he wouldn’t be able to manipulate the ground.

‘What have you done to Felaris, Haka?’ Ilami asked, her hand turned into a fist. The other held her sword.

‘Do we have time for this? We’re supposed to fight, Ilami, not chat,’ Haka said

There's no need for them to say each other's names because there's nobody else they could be talking to. People really do not address each other by name that often, so it always breaks down the realism when they do so continually.

his half-opened eyes lacking life. ‘I did what was necessary. It was bound to happen. Also, isn’t Felaris your enemy?’

1) How do they lack life? Are they glazed? Unfocused?

2) Not sure about this dialogue. What does he even mean 'It was bound to happen'? That makes it sound like Felaris would have been beaten up even if he hadn't done it, which doesn't really make sense.

Ilami gritted her teeth. ‘She’s my friend. She might not see me in the same light, but I have come to respect her as such.

This is a bit out of the blue, to be honest. I'd never really got the impression that Ilami thought of her as a friend.

Haka’s eyes flashed red, and in an instant, he was right in front of her.

Instance = a single occurrence of something. I.e. 'there was a serious instance of cheating in last year's exams'.

Instant = a very short amount of time. I.e. 'in an instant, they pinned him to the ground'.

Also, it's interesting that Haka clearly still has some humanity and emotions in him, considering that mentioning Gael could rile him like this. I expected these enhanced humans to be a bit blank and brainwashed, but I'm glad that's not the case.

She struggled to breath for a few seconds, clutching her stomach to lessen the pain. Strong. Haka was too strong. Oddly so.

I don't get why she finds it odd considering that she knows he's been experimented on. Surely she would expect a superhuman to be strong?

Just before he could hit her, she blasted him with fire, throwing him back. A ball of fire appeared in her hand, ready for being used. It was a continuous spell, able to blast fire to her opponent. Before Haka could stand, she blasted him again and again, prompting him to continue evading. On the fourth blast, he blocked it with an earth wall, before pushing the wall to Ilami. She tried shattering it with her fire, but it proved to be sturdy.

Your description is generally a bit too clinical, but this part struck me as really needing work. You use 'blast' too frequently, and I just feel like you're describing what happens without really demonstrating how it looks or how it feels. There's not enough variety in your sentence structure or your verbs, and I don't think you make enough use of middle voice. I'll talk more about this in my overall thoughts.

‘How about you let me slice you with it?’ she said cordially. ‘Then you’d know what it does.’

Easily the best bit of dialogue in the chapter for me!

She turned back to see Haka raising his earth-covered hand and letting it hit her face, throwing her to the ground.

Where's the description!? Isn't she in pain!? She just got punched in the face with a fistful of rock!

Overall Thoughts

So, it's exciting to finally see this chapter, but nothing in it really surprised me. There weren't many unexpected turns - it was just a big fight scene, with Haka being ridiculously powerful and Ilami losing. I didn't feel like we learnt a whole lot more here than we did in the chapter with Felaris, and I'm personally not sure how wise it is to have two similar fight scenes so close together.

Perhaps my opinion would be different if there was a bit more excitement and drama to the fight scenes, but your writing style doesn't quite cut it for me. It's good in that it's precise and easy to follow, but a downside of the clarity is that it feels almost list-like. Ilami did this, then this, then this, and Haka did this back. You don't break up the passages with enough sensory information about smells and sound and - most crucially - what Ilami can feel. There's so much scope to talk about her slamming to the floor and dragging through the sawdust. Get specific with the pain she feels, as well. Don't just talk about her being hit and hurt; talk about how a blow to the jaw makes her teeth knock together, or how she gets thrown backwards and the ground smacks into the bones of her spine. You keep talking about how powerful Haka is, but we're not going to really get a sense of it unless we see how much Ilami suffers at his hands.

I also talked about a need for middle voice, as well. I'll return to the passage I mentioned in the small comments.

Just before he could hit her, she blasted him with fire, throwing him back. A ball of fire appeared in her hand, ready for being used. It was a continuous spell, able to blast fire to her opponent. Before Haka could stand, she blasted him again and again, prompting him to continue evading. On the fourth blast, he blocked it with an earth wall, before pushing the wall to Ilami. She tried shattering it with her fire, but it proved to be sturdy.

So, you're probably familiar with active and passive voice, but middle voice is a little less well known - though commonly used. Examples:

Active Voice - Katy broke the vase.

Passive Voice - The vase was broken by Katy.

Middle Voice - The vase broke.

Middle voice is named so because it sits somewhere between the active and passive. It creates the sense that the thing behind acted on actually has autonomy - the vase is breaking itself. Why is this useful for writing? Because it lets you bring the inanimate parts of your narrative to life. Let's see how the above passage could look if you played more with middle voice. (I'll also trim it down and vary the verb choice a little, as I recommended in the small comments).

Before he could hit her, she blasted him with fire, throwing him back. Flames flared in her palm, and she loosed them - again and again and again - while he ducked and dodged, his skin rippling in their glow. On the fourth blast, an earth wall lurched up from the ground around him, then crushed towards Ilami. She flung more fire at it - hotter fire, maybe enough to melt it - but it kept looming closer, closer, closer--

Here, the use of middle voice in reference to the earth wall create a sense of independence. The wall is an active threat of its own, not just a detached attack of Haka's. I'm not saying you have to use the above example (I wrote it while I was exhausted, so definitely don't) but try to use more constructions where it isn't just the characters that are acting. Bring the inanimate objects and attacks to life.

What other thoughts do I have about the chapter? I think that's the bulk of my critiques, so I'll just finish up with the juicy speculation. I'm interested to know what Gael's hypothesis about Haka is. At the moment, I suspect that Haka has the ability to drain other people's power, perhaps only while he's in that enraged, eyes-flashing state. Proximity seems to come into it too. What I don't understand is why Gael wanted Ilami to get Haka into that state, considering that she can hardly put up a fight if she's being drained.

Another area of interest is that Haka clearly has clearly retained a bit of humanity despite the experimentation, given that he reacted so adversely to a mention of Gael. It makes me more certain that there must be a way to reverse the process, though I do hope that there are at least some lasting negative effects. Still, I'm getting ahead of myself. I don't know how they actually would go about curing Haka.

One last question I have, which I raised briefly in a previous review, is why the academy staff is letting Haka fight at all. He's so out of control. He'd have killed Ilami if left unchecked, and it's plain as day to anybody who knew him that he's not the same. I don't get why they wouldn't keep this experimentation more hush-hush. Come to think of it, if it's as obvious as it is, why would they risk doing it at all? Haka's got family, after all. Parents, maybe even siblings, who'll notice how different he is. It seems beyond reckless to alter him when so many people could point the finger at the academy. Ilami and Gael know who treated him, after all.

I'm going to stop the review here because I'm super tired and I worry I'm becoming incoherent. In summary, I'd say that this was an enjoyable enough chapter, but not enough new stuff happened. The description in your fight scenes also needs to be more developed. That said, I'm intrigued to see what will happen now Ilami has lost against Haka. She's not going to be able to ask Mr Haifei for the truth about the academy, after all. I suppose she'll have to seek it out another way.

Keep writing!
~Pan