Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
‘How dare you?’ Baris growled. He stood with his underlings in front of Gael, spitting the blood from his mouth before wiping it. Murder glimmered in his eyes.
Good, Gael said, his emotion controlling his thought. If I survive this, I can tell others a bespectacled, skinny boy with no experience of fighting manages to enrage him by leaving scars on his lips. He tilted his head, looking at Baris. Maybe I should try ruining his face a bit more. He got up with an effort before being kicked by one of Baris’s underlings on the hip. A scream escaped his mouth, the pain feeling like hell. He rubbed the sore spot and kept his stare on them. He didn’t know their names except for Baris, but the kicker was short, yet sturdy. The other two were tall and fat respectively. Baris seemed like a combination of them - medium height and fairly muscular, though his seemingly always frowning face would put off the girls.
‘How dare you,’ Gael spit, ignoring the pain that intensified when he used his voice. ‘Cornering a student with three people having your back. Pathetic, really.’
Baris let out a roar as animal as himself and all of them charged at him. He squeezed his eyes shut upon instinct, hands raised to protect him. They pushed him to the ground with their weight, and the same routine ensued. They threw punches on his face, chest, and stomach. They kicked his shoulders and legs. Shorty twisted his arm, forcing out a shriek out of him. All his body parts hurt and as they beat his body, tears ran down his cheek. Their curses and insults passed by him like nothings.
Why am I treated like this? he thought, surrendering hope that he’d escape this torture somehow. No matter how much he fought back, he’d lose. He’d suffer. Why am I weak? Why am I too stupid to take combat subject instead of potions and the study of magical beings? Another kick assaulted his stomach. He groaned, the sound coming from him pitiful. I shouldn’t come into this academy. I shouldn’t believe Mrs. Venaria’s words that it is the best for me. I’m nothing with the blessings. I can’t even protect myself with my bare hands!
At last, the beating stopped. He could feel warm blood coming out from his nose and mouth. His body must’ve bruises all over it by now. ‘Are you happy now?’ Gael roared, releasing all his frustration. ‘Beating the weak just because you can. Are you happy now?’
‘This fucker can still talk,’ Baris said. They all chuckled. His foot tapped on Gael’s leg. ‘I wonder what would happen if the staff finds out you have an accident and you can’t use your legs?’ The devil smiled. ‘Maybe they’d expel you. Maybe then I would be happy.’
Baris raised his foot and Gael couldn’t look any further than that. I should’ve killed myself before all of this happened, he thought. I should’ve -
‘What the hell are you doing?’ a feminine voice yelled.
Baris and his gang moved away from Gael. While the details weren’t clear, Gael could see the student wearing the academy’s blue tunic. As she walked to them, chin high, her silver hair flowing behind her. Wearing a sharp frown, she stared at him before her attention turned to Baris and his underlings. ‘Seriously, Baris? You would stoop this low?’ There was heat store in her voice.
‘Get out of my way, girl,’ Baris said. ‘This is none of your business.’
‘Oh really?’
Instead of obeying him, the girl walked passed them and stood in front of Gael, her back on him. Now that his mind had cleared, he realized she was Ilami XieZhi, the rumored daughter of Mrs. Venaria. This was his first time seeing her. Sera, Conqueror of the Night, please let her be the miracle I want. It was shameful, really, now that his trust on the Naturals came back the moment there was sunlight at the edge of the dark clouds. He felt the grassy ground around him and found his spectacles. After wearing it, he could see clearly the scene unfolding in front of him.
‘I’ll protect him. He’s my business and if you dare lay even a finger on him, I’ll make you suffer just like you did to him.’ She took out a dagger from her pocket, prompting the boys to only snicker. ‘Ignis waracia, ignis legacia harizanis.’ Flame wrapped around it before it melt the blade. It elongated, and as Ilami adjusted her stance, Gael could see her wielding a fire sword.
Impressive, he thought. Channeling your elemental magic to another object is something you learn in your second year. There might be hope, real hope, after all. She could save him.
‘I’ve killed a man once,’ Ilami hissed, taking a step toward the boys. They stepped back. ‘Killing all four of you is like slicing through a cake. Easy.’
Baris gritted his teeth. They stayed being silent. Gael made some thinking. Baris didn’t enter the academy as a fighter. His parents were too cynical with the prospect of having their only child to be some sort of combatant, so they put him under another package of subjects. Gael and Baris only met each other during the Potions classes. Looking at Ilami, he knew she spoke the truth, about making the boys suffer. He wasn’t sure about the killing part. From the way she stood and held the sword, she had some experience. Her stance was similar to one Haka assumed.
‘We’ll get out of here,’ Baris said, his eyes fixed on Ilami’s fire sword before he looked straight at Ilami. ‘But we’re not done. Watch your back.’
With that, they went away. Gael sighed in relief and rested his head on the ground. He could still feel the pain all over his body, but he felt better. The thought that the beating had ended almost felt like being healed. He heard footsteps coming to him and before he could turn his head to the sound source, a hand grabbed the hem of his tunic, lifting him up. His eyes met the angry expression of Ilami.
‘Why are you so weak?’ she said, shaking her head. ‘Why didn’t you fight back?’ She released him. The fall to the ground was like self-harm - all the pain assaulted him tenfold. ‘Look at you! Like a punching bag.’
His savior wasn’t as pleasant as he thought she would be. He had to defend himself. ‘Unlike you, I’m not trained to be a fighter. And if you haven’t noticed, there were four of them.’
She groaned. ‘Excuses. The first thing you should do once you enter a famous academy is to prepare yourself against its bloodthirsty students. Oh my Xesar. At least try to use your blessing.’
He choked hearing that. Closing his eyes, he said, ‘I don’t have a blessing. I’m a loner.’ He paused. ‘You’re right. I should’ve known this place would be filled with competitive students. I’m too naive. I shouldn’t enter it at the first place. Your mother thinks it’s the best place for me, but she doesn’t know how I live my life here.’
Silence. Then, he could feel himself being pulled to the tree. Ilami placed his back to rest against it. ‘Look at me.’ He did. Defying stare met his eyes. ‘You look like a smart boy, so act like one. If you can’t face these shits, you’re done. You can’t face worse things. Use your head to deal with them. And learn some fighting. I know it’s not in your subjects package, but it’s important if you want to survive here. The next time they’re around, I might not be nearby swinging my fire sword.’
It was weird, really, being lectured by someone who was a newcomer in the academy. Someone younger than him, no less. He looked down at her fire sword, which had turned into a dagger again. ‘Your spell is incomplete.’
‘Excuse me?’
He looked up and saw she was offended. He smiled weakly. ‘It’s not supposed to melt the blade. The blade should stay there, and if I’m correct, your sword doesn’t melt the object it touches, does it?’
She leaned back a bit, inspecting him in a different way, as if she was gauging his worth. ‘It doesn’t. How do you know that?’
‘Your pronunciation was wrong on the second half. Ignis waracia, ignis legacia harizanis meant “fire wrapped, fire lengthened horizontally”. It didn’t enable the fire to melt the object it touches and instead melt the blade due to confusion. It should be ignis waracia, legacia, melisia. “Fire wrapped, lengthened, melt.”’ Looking at Ilami’s blank face, he explained, ‘I’m quite good at the Natural language.’
Looking at her thoughtful frown, he pushed on. ‘I can teach you how to utter Natural spells. This one is for second-year students, so I don’t think you can find a teacher to teach you about it. I might not have a blessing, but I know a lot about blessings and their spells. Like, a lot lot.’ He paused. ‘In return, you can teach me how to fight. Preferably with a weapon. Hand-to-hand combat doesn’t look interesting.’
She eyed him. ‘You’re talkative. Fine, I’ll take your offer. It took me a while to master the spell; I don’t want to continue using its incomplete version. Before that,’ she said, offering her hand, which he took, ‘we need to take you to the medical room.’
End of chapter
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137,663 Literary Works • 672,057 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: So this was a fun little conclusion to this chapter here. We have Ilami and Gael running into each other and forming a sort of tentative friendship, Baris the one who dropped a hint earlier now perhaps fully out for blood on Ilami, this is shaping up nicely.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well..I guess this sort of reaction by Baris is to be expected there. It matches the description that we got from uhh...Aleveri, Alvieri, I don't remember the exact spelling at the moment, but I remember something along "all brawn and no brains" and this seems to be about it. He seems to be offended so easily and just kind of seems to enjoy causing some pain here. Considering his earlier death threat situation to Ilami I won't be surprised if he tries to beat Gael towards that direction here. The descriptions of his underlings also seem to match Bars himself, and this fight in general just serves to show us this rather annoying and horrible person here.
Oooh well that just jumped to level two there, I'm genuinely fearing for poor Gael's life here. Three decent sized kids like that can potentially kill someone with that much of a beating being dished out, hopefully Gael doesn't end up having to go to a hospital or maybe at least has some magic healing thing handy, I don't know how this sort of thing can happen in a school without some consequence, although I do feel like this isn't a school that cares that much.
Err...bit of an odd transition of thought there. Its interesting. In his head, it looks like Gael just thinks of his worst moment and talks about all the ways in which he's failed and he seems to be a bit depressed there almost with some of the things he's thinking, but then to the bullies on the outside he's still acting angry and feisty and putting on a brave front of sorts. The odd part is his talk of frustration, his thoughts earlier seem far more like sadness than frustration which then makes that a bit of an odd thing to say.
The fact that Baris genuinely believes he can do that and succeed is scary, what kind of parent would even send a child here if that's allowed to happen? There are some serious issue in this school that need immediate fixing. That aside, the then sudden spiral by Gael is odd there. I feel like maybe talking out the part about him suddenly channeling frustration is a good idea, cause then the spiral of sadness would be more continuous rather than the kind of stop start nature that it has achieved here. And we have a savior...oooh...could be a teacher or a prefect, but I have a sneaking suspicion this is Ilami, she's the sort of person that would challenge Baris considering Baris' threat as she entered class.
Well that is definitely her...but her statement there is a bit confusing, I don't see how she thinks of Baris as "Stooping low", that would suggest that she knew him for more than what is literally just one single day at this point, or maybe two at most. That sounds like what a long term enemy of maybe a year or so would say.
Hmm....Gael suddenly praying for a savior is an interesting moment there...his mind has been through some stuff in this latter part of the chapter...its getting a bit odd sometimes in where it jumps to, but the best part is Ilami totally sizing Baris up, I feel like she's about to dish out some early payback for the earlier comment and perhaps she also feels the need to stand up for this person who was getting beaten up.
Uhh...wow, one day in there, and she's already threatening to murder them based on the grounds of having murdered someone. She seems to have come to terms with that wayy too fast, I mean, it kind of matches up with Ilami of chapter three onwards, so great on that, but chapter one Ilami sounded a lot more innocent than someone who'd do this sort of thing. I feel like then perhaps you should tone down that sense of regret in chapter one Ilami a bit more. For someone that innocent it should've taken a bit longer to come to terms with killing a man to a point they can comfortably threaten another person with it.
Hmm, well you can see a good amount of relief in poor Gael at that point although Ilami staring at him with an angry expression is a bit of an odd moment there...why would she also be made at him.
Excuse me young lady...what....this is all very uncalled for, why does she just go off on him there, she has genuinely no idea what he was doing until that point, has no idea who he is and just arrived randomly. I feel like she's just depositing unwarranted anger on him there, the only part that feels justified is her warning to be ready to fight in that academy in order to survive.
She calms down a little bit there, but uhh I still feel like she was wayy too aggressive to someone that just got beaten up to a literal pulp by four people. Like even you worst enemy in a spot like that, you just try to be a little more civil than outright sort of yelling at them. Ilami is being very rude here, and its a rudeness that I didn't see in her earlier. Well...she's proving to be quite the character at the moment.
Okay..that's an interesting little rebuttal by Gael to finally sort of swing things his way in the conversation, if I'm not mistaken this might end up going towards some sort of tentative friendship here judging based off of this interaction here.
Now that sword just became even cooler there, although now I have to ask the question of whether its a property of the sword that allows it to work with a spell like that or could you just do that on a pencil and giant melting fiery pencil of doom, cause that would totally change the balance of how weapons work in this world.
Hmm...okay so that's the start of a "maybe" beautiful friendship, we don't know yet, Ilami doesn't seem particularly sold on the idea yet. But hmm, I'm happy these two have met so that now all our POV characters have sort of run into each other a few times and it's all coming together. I do have to leave off with one teeny tiny massively nitpicky thing. If Ilami was training under someone that her mother personally assigned to homeschool her and she's been working on mastering the sword spell for years, how did neither of them ever point out she's doing the wrong thing? That seems like a serious oversight?
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I like where this chapter took us and even though it ended on a much less cliffhanger note than some of the others, I feel like this is sort of the biggest cliffhanger, cause we have a potential budding friendship and another potential thing Ilami has to watch her back about. All sorts of threat flying around ever so casually in this academy.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello again!
I liked this chapter more. I always tend to root for an underdog, and Gael is about as underdog as they come
In the beginning I was worried this would be an info-dumpy chapter where Gael is learning more about magic and that's all. Baris is super annoying and reminds me of Draco Malfoy (I'm reading Harry Potter right now :p) and I'm glad that Gael tried to defend himself even though there was pretty much no chance he would win....
I was wondering as I was reading through this chapter how Gael's storyline would intersect with Ilami's. Kind of like what I mentioned in the last chapter that the whole novel should have a shining star and I feel like Ilami is the shining star, so far I couldn't remember how Gael was going to relate to Ilami. As soon as someone came to the rescue I knew it was going to be Ilami, and I really liked how you did that whole thing! I love how everyone at the school already knows who she is and has a mix of respect/admiration or hatred/animosity towards her and she's just trying to live her life and learn!
I was a little confused about why Ilami was so antagonist towards Gael at first and accused him of not defending himself or fighting back and why he let that happen. Victim blaming much Ilami? It kind of annoyed me because she didn't see the whole fight. She came in at the end. For all she knew he had already defended himself and then he simply got overpowered because it was 4 against 1. I get that Gael needs to learn how to fight better, but I thought she could have been a little nicer about it.
But I'm glad she got involved in this chapter and that they came up with a way to help one another. I'm guessing since Gael has already sort of explored that staircase and that was mentioned with the Felaris business, Gael is going to have an integral role in helping Felaris figure out what happened to her brother... We shall see!!
I'll be back soon for more! Let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention!
Ah, yes, I sure hope Ilami doesn't come across as victim blaming. xD She's just used to being around independent, powerful people, so she doesn't understand why someone like Gael exists. I guess you can say she doesn't like weakness...
Read 1:
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
When did Ilami somehow magically know about all this going on? I must have missed something somewhere or is it a situation where she knows who he is, because she knows of everyone's existence at the school? Maybe I was overestimating the amount of people at this school or maybe I'm just missing a complete section of this story. Quite possible. Maybe the second read through will make some more sense for me.
Read 2:
Alright, well maybe all of my 'whoa's weren't necessary. One of them is still necessary just for clarity in this case because there is still a lot of surprising parts to this. This entire chapter comes down to surprising the reader with a not so surprising ending, but a big lead up. Perhaps I'm viewing this is the wrong perspective but I knew that by the end of this chapter Illami and Gael's story lines would have to interact. I do have to admit at this point that you have this lead up of Gael correcting a girl holding a fire sword and could easily kill him. Like soooo easily.
She calls him a coward for not standing up to the bullies but that act within itself is an act of bravery. It's actually kind of neutral at this point so I'll just move along to the next part.
There is a part of the spell that I want to go further into because it just opens up so many questions and avenues for the story to go along. The idea that you can change a dagger into a magical fire and lava sword, makes the reader have the question of: whatever weapons exist and can be transformed? It makes me question that if you can take the least dangerous object imaginable and with the right spell, be turned into a bomb. Like worst case scenario terrorism there.
I don't know what that sideline was about but I appreciate how many possibilities the backstory of this novel has created.
Read 3:
because two read throughs wasn't enough commenting cover all that I found with this story, both the good and the bad.
At this point, I'm rolling back to the "wait a sec" mode that I bust through this door with. What happened to all the regret of killing that innocent man and that worry about his family? And also all of that doubt for her mother making her kill someone? When did that whole big shift happen because last time I checked, she was still avoiding the fact she killed that man. Obviously she wouldn't bring it up in standard conversation but maybe she would bring up her combat skills. then there's just the assumption that she's a bitch despite this is basically middle school for killer wizards.
So as an overall, I do really like this novel as a whole. there are just some of these plot holes or things i don't quite get, and also these little things that I get caught up on. Maybe I just need to go back and re-read all of these chapters over again because somewhere I missed something.
I know that I'm kind of grasping for straws at this point and that's a shame, but i guess that's how I get my reviews done now. Idk.
Thanks for the review! Ilami does have the chance to meet Gael since he's on the field with those bullies. They easily attract the attention of those passing around.
Also, Ilami's mentioning her killing is really just a threat. Of course, she still feels guilty but if she wants to intimidate her opponents she has to give them a real cause to worry instead of bluffing. I'm also exhausted writing action at that point. ^^'
Hi, Lightsong! Pan here to review. Sorry it's taken so long; I've been either on holiday or busy with my own writing.
Another enjoyable chapter, but more about that later. You know the drill by now, so I'll get straight into it.
Nitpicks
A few minor things here:
1) As MJ pointed out, Gael is thinking here, so it would be better to change 'said' to 'thought'.
2) I don't think you need the bit I've struck out. The thoughts in question seem more composed than emotional, so I don't think it really makes much sense. An emotional thought would probably be more like a string of incoherent noises and mashed-up swear words.
3) 'Manages' should be 'managed'.
4) I'm not sure 'leaving scars' is the right expression. It's a bit clunky and it doesn't really make much sense, seeing as he can't know if he's scarred Baris until after the wound heals. It might be better if you had something like 'managed to enrage him by busting his lip'.
I don't really like this comparison. I'm not sure why. It might be because it sounds too colloquial - 'hurts like hell' is something I hear quite a bit in casual conversation, so it almost seems out of place here.
Why is Baris so enraged? From the first part of the chapter, it seemed like Baris was the kind of snide, mocking bully that always acts unruffled and above you - the kind where, if you try and insult or rile them, your comments just bounce off them. If Gael told him he was pathetic, you'd think he'd just laugh and then go for him. I don't think it's realistic for him to be so angry and offended.
You might want to change 'he' to 'Gael' because at the moment it almost reads like you're referring to Baris.
Don't need that bit.
'Into' would be better than 'on'.
1) You need 'had' in between 'must've' and 'bruises'.
2) Don't bruises take a while to form? I think it takes at least a few hours, so he wouldn't be be bruised immediately after they stepped away.
1) We can tell from the fact that he's yelling that he's releasing his frustration, so you don't need to tell us.
2) I find it hard to believe that he'd be able to 'roar' after having been beaten up so badly. Four people have been slamming kicks and punches into his chest and stomach. He'd barely be able to choke a word out, let alone get the breath to shout.
Not a nitpick. I love this bit of dialogue. It gives Baris a real sense of menace.
I like this bit of dialogue less. Mostly because it doesn't seem to make much sense. If Baris paralysed Gael, surely Baris would be the one more likely to get expelled. I can't believe that the staff would be so stupid as to not realise that Gael had been attacked.
How come she knows his name? I wouldn't think that she'd have met him before. She hasn't been at the academy that long, and he's presumably a year or two above her.
Do you mean 'it was shameful, really, how his trust for the Naturals came back...'?
This would be better expressed as 'after putting them on'.
Expression. 'I'll make you suffer just like he did' would make more sense.
Switch it to past tense.
Unnecessary word.
Should be 'did'.
Not really sure what you mean here. It needs rephrasing to be clearer.
I don't buy this. The body cannot take as much as people think it can. The way they were laying into him, it's a wonder he hasn't got broken ribs and a busted nose - it's a wonder he's conscious at all. He'd still be in agony. If anything, he'd probably be feeling the pain more, because the adrenaline would be wearing off and he wouldn't have anything to distract him from it.
I don't really get this. How is it like self harm when Ilami is the one who dropped him?
Missing article. You need something like 'her defying stare' or 'a defying stare'.
1) 'Melt' should be 'melted'.
2) He says her pronunciation is wrong, but then goes on to critique her actual choice of words, not how she pronounced them. He should be telling her that her wording is wrong.
Overall Thoughts
1) It's definitely a good chapter for Ilami. It characterises her excellently. I agree with Mea that the way she talks to Gael clearly shows how warped her worldview is - she really believes that everyone is out to get everyone. She's also terrible at seeing things from another person's perspective, which fits with everything else I know about her and how driven she is. I'm finding her more interesting as the story goes on, which is good, because Ilami was the character I was least bothered about up until now.
2) I don't necessarily agree with Kays about giving Baris a reason to corner Gael. Obviously there are deep, psychological reasons that bullies feel the need to hurt people, but, in my experience, there often isn't a notable surface reason. A lot of bullies hurt people as a bonding experience, as a way to show off and have a laugh. I don't find it unbelievable that Gael would fall victim to a group of people like that, seeing as he's a nerdy sort and obviously stands out due to not having a blessing. He's definitely an easy target.
That said, I would work out in your head what Baris's deeper motivations are. Figure out what makes him insecure enough to pick on someone as powerless as Gael, even if it's never revealed in the story. Knowing that will help you write him more believably and less like a stock bully.
Also, as I mentioned in the nitpicks section, beware making him into an animalistic monster who gets ridiculously offended at anyone who insults him. That isn't interesting. Bullies with a level of control are so much more frightening to read about.
3) I'd consider toning down the extent to which they hurt Gael. Bear in mind that people can and do die from being beaten, and given that Gael was being repeatedly punched in the face and stomach by four people, it is perfectly possible that they could've killed him. It is also incredibly unlikely that he would still be conscious. In real life, a single punch to the face can have a person out cold.
Punching people also hurts. This is what tips Baris and his underlings' behaviour into the more unbelievable territory. I can understand them wanting to 'teach Gael a lesson', as it were, but at the rate they were hitting him they're going to have some busted - even broken - knuckles, and I don't see why they'd think it was worth the pain. Kicking him makes sense. Punching him doesn't.
4) I definitely agree with MJ that Gael waned from angry to self-pitying and back again much too quickly. When he started despairing about how pathetic and weak he was, I just found it out-of-nowhere and weird. When he started thinking about how he should've killed himself, I found it even weirder. I'd definitely tone down the self-pity, and I'd place it in the aftermath of the attack, not during. Maybe after Ilami rescues him and chastises him the shame starts to hit him. But don't go overboard with it, because self-pity quickly gets tiresome to read.
5) I love that Gael and Ilami are going to partner up and teach each other stuff because their personalities compliment each other well, but I also have to question the stuff with the fire sword spell. It seems bizarre that Ilami was being trained so extensively before she came to the academy yet nobody picked up that she was using the wrong incantation. It might be more realistic if, I don't know, Gael had read about some obscure, long-forgotten information and knew of a way to make her fire sword even better - maybe with some old technique that's fallen out of common use but is recorded in several theory books. Whatever you choose, you need something a bit less obvious than her just getting the spell wrong.
I'll call the review there. As always, a really entertaining chapter, and I'm super excited to see Ilami and Gael's storylines converging. I'd love to see read some less serious scenes between the two of them as well, just to get a sense of their natural dynamic, because I feel like there's some real potential to show how weird and standoffish Ilami might be in a more normal situation. I hope we see her meet Haka, as well.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Thanks for the review!
I don't understand why people didn't recognize Baris - he was the one who tried to trip Ilami when she got to her seat in the classroom. >.>
The initial thought about this chapter is to make Haka arrive as soon after Ilami did just so he could feel like it's his mistake leaving Gael alone and makes him more protective of Gael and a bit of antagonistic to Ilami, but I guess I'll make another kind of encounter for them. Thanks again!
Oh, I didn't realise it was him! I think it's not necessarily that she recognises him, but that she says 'You would stoop this low?' like she knows him well enough to expect better of him. It feels like something you'd say if you were quite familiar with the person. Anyhow, glad you liked the review!
Haha, I see it now. Thanks!
Hi there Lightsong. This is Kays here dropping in for a review with a bit of extra time. I've got 55 minutes or so to squeeze this review in so let's cut to the chase and delve right in.
I almost forgot where we left off to be perfectly honest. I went and re-read the last chapter because it's not particularly memorable? That's alright though. Now that I know we're still on the scene where Gael is being bullied I can say that this is all...a little ridiculous. Baris's character is ridiculous because he doesn't have a real reason to be angry? He does corner Gael. He does hurt him and corner him with three other people to cover him for no real reason. That's the ridiculous part from this chapter.
Give the character a better reason to beat Gael up or at least a more valid reason and then this and the last chapter will be better. The motivations of Baris are currently weak. Instead of making him a flat-out bully, make him a darker gray. What I'm confused by is the fact that Ilami acts as if Baris and her have met before. Have they? It'd be interesting for Ilami to perhaps not believe that bullies are the worst people--give us a quirk or two here or there to make the characters more interesting--hey, maybe there will be quirks that haven't come up this far.
I'm also going to suggest to write with more intent for the future or more intent with the themes. What I like most about the chapter is when Ilami ends up appearing and although I loved seeing how Gael and Ilami interacted in this chapter I do hope that there are scenes when the two aren't together. I did quite like the dynamic between the two and how while Ilami is a bit of a prodigy and a stronger fighter than Gael, Gael is better in intellect but doesn't have a blessing and because of this has to work harder in the academy. The end of the chapter is quite interesting and I'm excited for the next chapter. Keep pumping these out! c:
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day,
Yay! Another part for me to review.
I felt like everything after him explaining that he doesn't have a blessing was a lot to dump on someone he just met. Gael is more proud than that - he might be thinking that sort of thing, but he wouldn't say that out loud. Especially since he's trying to defend himself from her.
Also, I'm really curious - Ilami's mother has to do with Gael being here? Knowing what we know about her... temperament... I'm really curious about why.
I'm also curious about how Ilami managed to learn the incorrect version, since I feel like her mother or her tutors would have noticed and corrected it. Did she have to figure it out herself and they just haven't noticed?
I'm glad that we're going to get to see the two of them together more, since they're teaching each other and I'm curious to watch how they interact. I did think it was odd that he didn't seem to notice the sword being made wrong when she was threatening the other boys, but then brings it up a few minutes later.
I thought this was really interesting because of how clearly it shows Ilami's worldview and how... screwed up it is because of her mother. Schools are usually supposed to be safe, or reasonably so - the fact that she assumes everyone needs to defend themselves, presumably without being able to rely on the school intervening in crap like this, really shows her warped perspective. It's kind of chilling, actually, so great job on that.
I agree with MJTucker that Gael oscillated between being angry and despairing pretty quickly in the first half. Maybe connect it more directly to his pain as it comes in waves. In general, I didn't really feel how he was hurting, so I think you could describe his pain more during that part, and that would help his emotions make more sense.
And that's all I've got! Can't wait for the next.
Hey there! MJ here for a nice review
Did he say this, or think it?When you say 'on', I get the impression that she is laying on Gael, so I think it would be better to say 'her back to him' instead.
I enjoyed the battle between Gael and Baris, especially what it revealed about their characters. Baris showed that he was willing to use embarrassingly unfair tactics in order to pound Gael, and Gael proved that he was incapable of fighting back and didn't want to put a lot of effort into it. When Ilami came to rescue them, Baris showed that he was cowardly enough to refuse to risk his life for Gael, and Ilami proved that she was tempermental and brave enough to take on the bullies.
My one critique here is how Gael seemed to get angry, and then accept the punishment, and then get angry. It waxed and waned very quickly, and that was pretty unexpected. I didn't think that Gael would have such a loose grip on his emotions, and he went from one extreme to the other so quickly it became a little bit unbelievable.
I also didn't really like how Gael criticized Ilami's fire sword. It was an unexpected response, and I think it would have been better if she had threatened him in some way and he had retaliated by saying "Well, you know what? You can't even do the fire spell properly," especially since he had been impressed by it just a little bit earlier.
Overall, I liked this high-intensity and high-action fight, especially how you generally were pretty good about mixing in some character through the bloody battle. Ilami behaved exactly how I would have predicted, so it was nice to see that you were consistent in all your characters. To be clear, I wasn't criticizing your inconsistency with characters above, I was criticizing Gael's character.
Hopefully my review was helpful, and if you have any questions, let me know and I will try and help you figure it out. Thanks for publishing, and I'll be around to send you another review when you post the next chapter of this!
Best wishes,
MJ