z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Chapter 11.1: Ilami

by Lightsong


The dorm for House Lio was located at the ground floor of the castle. The placement of each House was based on its element. Xesar and Wermin Houses placed at higher floors while Serra and Lio Houses placed at the ground floor. As Ilami and Gael entered the dorm, the scent of earth and wood rushed towards them, bring with it a sense of refreshment. Energy surged into her and she felt like doing something productive.

‘It’s nice being in House Lio, isn’t it?’ Gael said, smiling. ‘Your first time here, based on your reaction. Anyway, Haka’s room is near here.’

As they arrived at Haka’s room, Gael knocked the door.

‘Who’s there?’ Haka said loudly.

‘It’s me, Gael,’ Gael said with the exact volume. ‘Ilami’s with me. There’s something important I need to discuss with her in there.’

A few seconds passed before Haka replied, ‘Come in!’

The first sight of Haka that they saw was a topless one. He was full of muscles, veins decorating his shoulders and arms. The light from the window complimented his tanned skin. Not bad, Ilami thought, nodding. The sight of half-naked boys was rare for her, but for some reasons, she wasn’t bothered with it.

Unlike Gael, who had his jaw dropped. ‘Put your shirt on!’ He turned away quickly, gesturing to Ilami. ‘There’s a girl here, for Serra’s sake.’

Instead of abiding Gael, Haka leaned against the wall, folding his arms. ‘What’s wrong with that? Where I came from, it was common for people to show a little bit of skin. Even from girls. They usually only covered their breasts and everything below their hip when the weather was hot.

‘We’re in Ciraciel! And this is the principal’s daughter!’ Gael was pleading at this point. ‘Ilami, tell him.’

‘I actually don’t mind,’ Ilami said, checking Haka from top to bottom. ‘He has a nice body.’

Haka grinned, unfolding his arms to show the abs behind. ‘She understands. Don’t be a prude, Gael.’ Despite what he said, he reached over the robe on his bed and wore it.

Gael was more relaxed once Haka had his cloth on. Ilami stared at him. Both Haka and Gael were boys. Shouldn’t they be comfortable with each other’s body? She understood this from the times Alyosha spent with his friends at their house. They never invited Ilami to join, but she once followed them to the Sapphire Lake, and they were playing with each other in the water without their shirts. She learned two things by then: the location of Sapphire Lake and the comfort the boys had with each other’s body.

She put this moment at the back of her mind and focused on the issue Gael had talked about. ‘Okay, what do you want to tell me, Gael? What does it have to do with Zivil Ayesis?’

While Haka watched them, Gael spoke. ‘Zivil Ayesis was the father of Dayel Ayesis.’

‘I know that,’ Ilami said, frowning. ‘I’ve borrowed a book about houses. Zivil was married to Alia Destia and had two children, the older being Dayel Ayesis and the younger being Kalin Ayesis. The whole family structure was portrayed in the book.’

‘That’s it? Is that all it says?’ Gael asked.

Ilami nodded.

When Gael spoke again, there was a slight tremble in his voice. ‘Ilami, Zivil’s son, Dayel Ayesis, once studied in this academy. He was found dead years ago. In fact, he was the first student to die here after entering the Restricted Area. The second was Arafel Ashav, the brother of Felaris Ashav. Do you know what that means?’

Ilami used the silence that followed afterward to digest what had been told to her. Arafel being dead after entering the Restricted Area wasn’t a new event. Another student was found the same way and his name was Dayel Ayesis. Zivil’s son. The son of the man he killed. She covered her mouth.

Please. She has my family. Me dying would save them from torment.

The words came back like the souls of the dead, clutching to every part of her. The words of an injured man who could escape to regain his health, but instead chose to stay to die. To be killed by her hand.

‘I killed Dayel’s father. I killed Zivil,’ she whispered, her eyes on the floor. ‘His son was dead long before I killed him and - what did he mean? How could him dying save his family when - when his son was already dead?’ The tears threatened to come back again, fiercer than before.

‘What - what happened to the family when they knew Dayel died?’ Ilami asked, her voice shaking. ‘What did Mother do?’

‘I don’t know,’ Gael said. ‘She persuaded the Ashav’s family and those who were involved in Arafel’s death to keep silence. I think she did the same with Dayel. That’s what I heard and I didn’t believe it until now.’

‘Of course,’ Ilami said, feeling the heat rushing into her body. ‘Of course she would do that. She persuaded the Ashavs and the Ayesis to do what she wanted so that the academy’s reputation wouldn’t be tarnished. She persuaded me to kill Zivil Aeysis. That’s what she does best - forcing others to do her whim.’

She didn’t sense the need of crying again; it was replaced by the anger burning in her. Good, she thought. She preferred rage over sadness. At least when she was furious, she was motivated instead of shrinking into a helpless person. Gael was right; she couldn’t go apologize to the Ayesis when she and her family caused Zivil and Dayel’s deaths. It wouldn’t solve the problem.

‘We should go to the Restricted Area,’ she said, glad her voice regained some of its firmness. ‘If both students died after entering that place, there must be something wrong with it. We should investigate what it is.’

‘Ilami!’ Gael made frantic gestures. ‘The Restricted Area is restricted. We can’t go in there. I know this - I’ve done it. I was caught, and if it wasn’t because of the goblin’s mercy, I would be dead just like Dayel and Arafel.’

‘Wait, what?’ Haka said, finally joining the conversation. He stepped closer to Gael, frowning, his arms folded. ‘You entered the Restricted Area? And you didn’t tell me.’

‘I... forgot,’ Gael said, scratching his head. He flashed a guilty smile to Haka. ‘I was totally absorbed with learning the blood magic.’

Ilami eyed him and couldn’t decide if he was talking the truth. ‘Let’s talk about that later,’ she said, knowing Gael and Haka can resolve their issues at another time. They were dealing a matter of life and death now. ‘I know the area’s restricted, but obviously there’s something wrong with it if not one, but two students dead after entering it. You were lucky to get out of there alive. What was it like inside?’

Gael hummed. He told them about the goblin he met there. ‘There was nothing weird, really. It was a typical library area, but instead of books, it kept artifacts. A lot of them. I’m guessing some of them are kept there as rewards for students later.’

‘Huh?’ Haka asked, mirroring Ilami’s confusion.

‘Oh right, both of you are Fighter students. Well, artifacts are rewards that would be given to the top Scholar student who participate in the upcoming test. Usually it’s just one, but considering its expensiveness, it’s really worth it.’

Ilami frowned. ‘There must be something more to it.’ She looked at them. ‘We have to get in there. I can’t rest knowing Mother does something awful and I’m just here doing nothing to stop it.’

‘Do you really think you can stop Venaria?’ Haka said, raising an eyebrow. ‘She owns this academy. You can’t go against her and those who work with her.’

‘Technically, the academy is Father’s,’ Ilami said. She waved her hand away. ‘It doesn’t matter. Of course we’re going to do this secretly. We already have Gael.’

‘Um, what?’ Gael said. ‘You do know I don’t have a blessing, do you?’

Ilami rolled her eyes. ‘I thought you’re smart. You learn blood magic. And you learn that very spell. The Darkening Spell, is it? You can make an area pitch black and allow some people to see through it.’

Gael opened his mouth before he shut it again. Ilami smiled and relaxed her posture. She knew she’d cornered him. And with the way he referred to the artifacts, there was a tinge of desire in his voice.

‘No,’ Haka said, shaking his head. ‘I can’t let Gael take the risk. Not after what he’s been through.’


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Sat Oct 23, 2021 2:21 pm
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okaayyy so this chapter had a bit less mysteries being revealed than expected. I thought there'd be more to the Ayesis family that made them dangerous for Ilami to visit but that's not quite what we have here. But there does appear to be a bit of a quest being put together to visit the Restricted Area, so that seems like it could get interesting.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The dorm for House Lio was located at the ground floor of the castle. The placement of each House was based on its element. Xesar and Wermin Houses placed at higher floors while Serra and Lio Houses placed at the ground floor. As Ilami and Gael entered the dorm, the scent of earth and wood rushed towards them, bring with it a sense of refreshment. Energy surged into her and she felt like doing something productive.

‘It’s nice being in House Lio, isn’t it?’ Gael said, smiling. ‘Your first time here, based on your reaction. Anyway, Haka’s room is near here.’

As they arrived at Haka’s room, Gael knocked the door.

‘Who’s there?’ Haka said loudly.


Hmm, well this is a nice little entrance to this new location here. I love how each of these places has some completely new things to offer and it really does contribute to making things quite interesting here. And also it appears that Haka is in fact there in his dorm, so he's going to hear a few things too.

The first sight of Haka that they saw was a topless one. He was full of muscles, veins decorating his shoulders and arms. The light from the window complimented his tanned skin. Not bad, Ilami thought, nodding. The sight of half-naked boys was rare for her, but for some reasons, she wasn’t bothered with it.

Unlike Gael, who had his jaw dropped. ‘Put your shirt on!’ He turned away quickly, gesturing to Ilami. ‘There’s a girl here, for Serra’s sake.’

Instead of abiding Gael, Haka leaned against the wall, folding his arms. ‘What’s wrong with that? Where I came from, it was common for people to show a little bit of skin. Even from girls. They usually only covered their breasts and everything below their hip when the weather was hot.


Haha...well we all know why Gael is frantically trying to get him to over up here. Ahh, I have a feeling this is going to be a rather interesting scene here...or at least poor Gael is going to end up a little flustered before they got to the more serious topics of conversation, and it works as a nice balance there.

‘We’re in Ciraciel! And this is the principal’s daughter!’ Gael was pleading at this point. ‘Ilami, tell him.’

‘I actually don’t mind,’ Ilami said, checking Haka from top to bottom. ‘He has a nice body.’

Haka grinned, unfolding his arms to show the abs behind. ‘She understands. Don’t be a prude, Gael.’ Despite what he said, he reached over the robe on his bed and wore it.

Gael was more relaxed once Haka had his cloth on. Ilami stared at him. Both Haka and Gael were boys. Shouldn’t they be comfortable with each other’s body? She understood this from the times Alyosha spent with his friends at their house. They never invited Ilami to join, but she once followed them to the Sapphire Lake, and they were playing with each other in the water without their shirts. She learned two things by then: the location of Sapphire Lake and the comfort the boys had with each other’s body.


Hmm, well that's good observation there Ilami, but I'm gonna assume this is all very soon going to be very much overshadowed by the much larger set of problems looming in the distance for this crew with all the revelations made here.

She put this moment at the back of her mind and focused on the issue Gael had talked about. ‘Okay, what do you want to tell me, Gael? What does it have to do with Zivil Ayesis?’

While Haka watched them, Gael spoke. ‘Zivil Ayesis was the father of Dayel Ayesis.’

‘I know that,’ Ilami said, frowning. ‘I’ve borrowed a book about houses. Zivil was married to Alia Destia and had two children, the older being Dayel Ayesis and the younger being Kalin Ayesis. The whole family structure was portrayed in the book.’

‘That’s it? Is that all it says?’ Gael asked.

Ilami nodded.


Oh this is very interesting, so her little pursuit in the library wayy back with Aleveri actually allowed her to learn that much. That's definitely an interesting detail. Although judging by Gael's reaction, there is maybe something about this family that makes that revelation a bit more dangerous than it would usually be.

When Gael spoke again, there was a slight tremble in his voice. ‘Ilami, Zivil’s son, Dayel Ayesis, once studied in this academy. He was found dead years ago. In fact, he was the first student to die here after entering the Restricted Area. The second was Arafel Ashav, the brother of Felaris Ashav. Do you know what that means?’

Ilami used the silence that followed afterward to digest what had been told to her. Arafel being dead after entering the Restricted Area wasn’t a new event. Another student was found the same way and his name was Dayel Ayesis. Zivil’s son. The son of the man he killed. She covered her mouth.

Please. She has my family. Me dying would save them from torment.


Oh yeah...that's definitely the sort of thing that can haunt you rather strongly here..and it hitting Ilami full force now that all the dots are connected clearly and plainly for all of them to see is a pretty powerful moment here.

‘I killed Dayel’s father. I killed Zivil,’ she whispered, her eyes on the floor. ‘His son was dead long before I killed him and - what did he mean? How could him dying save his family when - when his son was already dead?’ The tears threatened to come back again, fiercer than before.

‘What - what happened to the family when they knew Dayel died?’ Ilami asked, her voice shaking. ‘What did Mother do?’

‘I don’t know,’ Gael said. ‘She persuaded the Ashav’s family and those who were involved in Arafel’s death to keep silence. I think she did the same with Dayel. That’s what I heard and I didn’t believe it until now.’


Well all of this we already managed to infer pretty well from what Felaris said, so this is not news to us, but putting all of these points next to each other does paint a rather incriminating picture against Ilami's mother here. She has to have been involved somehow to want to cover things up so much.

‘Of course,’ Ilami said, feeling the heat rushing into her body. ‘Of course she would do that. She persuaded the Ashavs and the Ayesis to do what she wanted so that the academy’s reputation wouldn’t be tarnished. She persuaded me to kill Zivil Aeysis. That’s what she does best - forcing others to do her whim.’

She didn’t sense the need of crying again; it was replaced by the anger burning in her. Good, she thought. She preferred rage over sadness. At least when she was furious, she was motivated instead of shrinking into a helpless person. Gael was right; she couldn’t go apologize to the Ayesis when she and her family caused Zivil and Dayel’s deaths. It wouldn’t solve the problem.


Well, hmm, I do think an apology there is still something. With the kind of tone that Gael used to warn Ilami earlier, I was expecting there to be a lot more going on than this. This is pretty much nothing new here.

‘We should go to the Restricted Area,’ she said, glad her voice regained some of its firmness. ‘If both students died after entering that place, there must be something wrong with it. We should investigate what it is.’

‘Ilami!’ Gael made frantic gestures. ‘The Restricted Area is restricted. We can’t go in there. I know this - I’ve done it. I was caught, and if it wasn’t because of the goblin’s mercy, I would be dead just like Dayel and Arafel.’


Oh this is interesting, I think Haka is going to react nicely to this one cause Gael did ditch him for a bit to enter this particular area that he did nearly manage to die in. But also, well I have a feeling this stories plot is going to revolve around this Restricted Area once we get closer towards the middle here. It's definitely the cause of a lot of things that are going on at the moment.

‘Wait, what?’ Haka said, finally joining the conversation. He stepped closer to Gael, frowning, his arms folded. ‘You entered the Restricted Area? And you didn’t tell me.’

‘I... forgot,’ Gael said, scratching his head. He flashed a guilty smile to Haka. ‘I was totally absorbed with learning the blood magic.’

Ilami eyed him and couldn’t decide if he was talking the truth. ‘Let’s talk about that later,’ she said, knowing Gael and Haka can resolve their issues at another time. They were dealing a matter of life and death now. ‘I know the area’s restricted, but obviously there’s something wrong with it if not one, but two students dead after entering it. You were lucky to get out of there alive. What was it like inside?’


Well...there's the expected reaction, but I suppose things are going to breeze past that for the moment in this conversation because here are much more important things to be running into here.

Gael hummed. He told them about the goblin he met there. ‘There was nothing weird, really. It was a typical library area, but instead of books, it kept artifacts. A lot of them. I’m guessing some of them are kept there as rewards for students later.’

‘Huh?’ Haka asked, mirroring Ilami’s confusion.

‘Oh right, both of you are Fighter students. Well, artifacts are rewards that would be given to the top Scholar student who participate in the upcoming test. Usually it’s just one, but considering its expensiveness, it’s really worth it.’


Hmmm, well if its a common award though, I'd expect them to know. The Scholar students' items being that separate seems like a little bit of a stretch. Could just be me though, but well let's see.

Ilami frowned. ‘There must be something more to it.’ She looked at them. ‘We have to get in there. I can’t rest knowing Mother does something awful and I’m just here doing nothing to stop it.’

‘Do you really think you can stop Venaria?’ Haka said, raising an eyebrow. ‘She owns this academy. You can’t go against her and those who work with her.’

‘Technically, the academy is Father’s,’ Ilami said. She waved her hand away. ‘It doesn’t matter. Of course we’re going to do this secretly. We already have Gael.’

‘Um, what?’ Gael said. ‘You do know I don’t have a blessing, do you?’


Well, she immediately makes it her mission to right this wrong she believes her mother is doing. And the evidence is certainly stacked that way, but I have doubts. I think there is more to this than the immediate conclusions they've managed to draw here.

Ilami rolled her eyes. ‘I thought you’re smart. You learn blood magic. And you learn that very spell. The Darkening Spell, is it? You can make an area pitch black and allow some people to see through it.’

Gael opened his mouth before he shut it again. Ilami smiled and relaxed her posture. She knew she’d cornered him. And with the way he referred to the artifacts, there was a tinge of desire in his voice.

‘No,’ Haka said, shaking his head. ‘I can’t let Gael take the risk. Not after what he’s been through.’


Well, this conversation is bound to turn very interesting in the next part here. We're already heading towards that moment where Ilami is going to try and gather a bit of a team to head into the Restricted Area and although it looks like convincing Gael isn't going to exactly be tough, it'll be a lot harder to convince the other two.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, we have ourselves a pretty interesting start to this chapter. I have a feeling that the conversation in the next part is really where things are going to start moving along somewhat and get even more interesting...well looking forward to getting to that one soon.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Mon Dec 04, 2017 1:46 am
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Mea wrote a review...



Hey Light! Back as always for the review.

You definitely did a better job showing the emotions of your POV character (in this case Ilami) in this chapter. Her pushing away her sadness in favor of sheer anger at her mother was done really well, easily my favorite part of the chapter.

I wasn't quite sure of what to make of Ilami's reaction to seeing Haka shirtless. At first, I though you were saying she wasn't affected by it (and thus hinting that she's lesbian), but then it seemed that you were saying she didn't mind it because he's hot and she likes looking at him (indicating she's straight). I'm pretty sure she's straight, based on the rest of the story up until this point, but that bit didn't quite seem to work as you intended.

Also Gael's reaction to a shirtless Haka was hilarious.

I'm curious to know why Gael kept his little trip to the forbidden area a secret from Haka. I'm guessing it's because he thought it would be embarrassing? I don't really know why Gael wouldn't trust Haka, so I'm guessing it's for a reason related to him wanted to impress Haka.

I was a bit confused about the artifacts - it seems like an odd tradition to give them away, even to students who do well. It's because they need them in order to use their blood magic, right? Well, what if they run out of the artifacts? Can they make more?

I think Haka could be a bit more... present in this chapter. Even though he's here, he doesn't talk that much once they start talking about the restricted area and Ilami's mother. I feel like he should have some stronger opinions and show more of a reaction to learning that the school's headmistress has been covering up deaths at the school. Seriously, that's a pretty crazy thing to suddenly find out - how does he react?

I'm really loving how the separate plot threads are finally starting to weave together. I finally think I understand how all these people relate to each other and how Ilami's mother is the linchpin of this whole mess. But you still manage to keep the tension strong because we want to know why her mother is doing all this and what's in the restricted area. So plot-wise, this is working great!

Overall, your dialogue was good, but your paragraph explanations were sometimes clunky. Your characters were fairly strong, particularly Ilami, and the plot is getting more engaging with each chapter. Can't wait for the next! <3




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Sat Dec 02, 2017 5:22 pm
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, Lightsong. Back again to review chapter eleven. Same drill as usual - nitpicks as I go along, grammar/expression changes in blue, then overall thoughts.

Small Comments

Xesar and Wermin Houses were placed at higher floors while Serra and Lio Houses were placed at the ground floor.


‘Who’s there?’ Haka said loudly.

‘It’s me, Gael,’ Gael said with the same volume.


I also feel like just 'it's me' on its own would do for Gael's response, seeing as Haka would recognise Gael's voice without needing to hear his name.

The sight of half-naked boys was rare for her, but for some reasons, she wasn’t bothered with it.


Do you mean she's not bothered in the sense that it doesn't make her uncomfortable, or not bothered in the sense that she doesn't find it that attractive? I'd guess the first, but you might want to make it a bit clearer. You could have something like:

The sight of half-naked boys was rare for her, but she was unruffled.

Unlike Gael, whose jaw had dropped.


‘What’s wrong with that? Where I came from, it was common for people to show a little bit of skin. Even from girls. They usually only covered their breasts and everything below their hip when the weather was hot.


I like this bit of worldbuilding, but I think it's a bit too blatantly expository. It needs to feel more like a passing remark. Maybe something like:

"What's wrong with that? Where I come from, girls can handle a bit of skin.

Or something similarly flippant. It can't go into too much detail or it just feels like you're using the dialogue as a guise for an info-dump.

‘She understands. Don’t be a prude, Gael.’


Haha, this bit made me laugh. Poor Gael, though!

Gael was more relaxed once Haka had his clothes on.


She understood this from the times Alyosha had spent with his friends at their house.


He flashed a guilty smile at Haka.


she said, knowing Gael and Haka could resolve their issues at another time


Well, artifacts are rewards that would be given to the top Scholar student who participate in the upcoming test.


Expression's a bit off here. Maybe something along the lines of:

The best scholar students get artifacts as rewards - like when they do well in a test or something.

‘I thought you were smart.


Overall Thoughts

1) Good chapter! I like where it's heading. The storylines are really coming together and finally we're going to start delving back into the mysteries of the restricted section. There's lots of great stuff about this chapter - the dialogue seems stronger, Haka's character comes across better, we learn the answers to questions without losing intrigue - but this return to the restricted section storyline is definitely the thing I'm most pleased with.

2) I feel like before Ilami and Gael start nattering on about Zivil Aeysis, you should at least mention that they fill Haka in on everything that Ilami said in the previous chapter. Otherwise he'd just be like 'what the HECK are you guys on about?' Not to mention that it's pretty rude for them to barge into his dorm and then exclude him from the conversation. There's no way Haka wouldn't be interrupting with questions, in any case - he'd want to know what was going on the moment they came through the door.

3) A smaller note, but I'm quite curious that Ilami is cottoning onto Gael's (admittedly obvious) crush on Haka. It's the first time I've really wondered about this world's general attitude towards gay/bi/etc. people. The fact that Ilami doesn't even entertain the idea of Gael being attracted to Haka make me assume there isn't much awareness (or potentially tolerance) of same-sex attraction, which I suppose explains part of why Gael is so apprehensive about Haka finding out. Unless Ilami's just led a very sheltered life, which I could also believe.

4) At this stage, I'd guess that Venaria had Zivil killed because he knew something about the dodgy business going on in the academy. However, that still leaves the question of why it was necessary to dispatch him in such a convoluted way. I can't figure out why she involved Ilami in this mess - it seems like a reckless thing to do. I'll have to see how you answer that one!

That's all for today. Great chapter, and I'm glad that I'm finally up to date. I hope we get to see more of Haka interacting with Gael and Ilami because I feel like he's been a bit neglected so far. I want to see the tension between Haka and Gael addressed too - you're killin' me here!

Keep writing! :D
~Pan





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