Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okayyy...wow quite the chapter this one. Also...loving note there. Raising their ages seems like a good idea, it makes these more complicated missions they plan and the whole romantic tangles that are about to get underway a little more realisitic and well..this was quite a chapter here now, wasn't it? I have so many questions.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The first thing Gael did after class was to meet Veris. He didn’t exactly know where Veris was, but he did notice Veris was a frequenter in the library, so he went there first. Passing through the counter to the reading tables, he saw Veris deep in reading a thick book, still and focused. Gael sighed in relief.

I hope you’re right about this, Gael thought to Serra.

I am a goddess. Do not question me.

He rolled his eyes. He could point out some of Serra’s actions that were questionable, but it wasn’t the time. As he approached Veris, he suddenly felt… shy. Was it because he never met Veris after the time they spent in his room? Veris was good looking, if not a bit thin. He couldn’t match Haka, though; if Veris was cute, Haka was godly handsome. Thinking of Haka, he sighed. He wanted to wonder how Haka was, but now wasn’t the time either.

Okayy....well it looks like he's trying to put thoughts of Haka on the backburner somewhat and follow up with what the goddess told him to do by seeking out Veris here. Its a very interesting detail to show that he thinks of Veris as attractive and now with Haka and everything that Serra has said regarding how that relationship will turn out you never know what might happen here....that can't just be a random observation that leads to nothing.

He assumed a seat in front of Veris. ‘Hey, Veris.’

Veris looked up to Gael and smiled. He closed the book. ‘Hey, Gael. It’s been a while since I saw you.’

Gael scratched the back of his neck. ‘Um, yeah… I’ve been busy lately. Sorry I didn’t keep in touch.’

Veris shook his head. ‘No need for that; I understand. It’s easy to find yourself surrounded by assignments in this academy. Is there anything I can help you?’

Gael hesitated. How should he start? What exactly did he want from Veris?

Nerecia and Natural magic. Don’t you remember? Serra said.

Okay...I love how Serra now that she's revealed herself has gone from occasionally mystery voice to full on just telling Gael what to do and giving advice and she's becoming quite the character already...well, well, let's see how this conversation will go, Veris remark makes me think these two became better friends during that one discussion earlier than you'd think.

If he could give Serra a death glare, he would. ‘Um, I was thinking if you wanted to talk more about Nerecia and Natural magic. I enjoyed the time we had in my room.’

‘Okay, let’s go then,’ Veris said, rising up.

Gael blinked. ‘Go where?’

‘Your room. To talk about those things.’

That was easy! he thought. ‘Are you sure you can discuss about them now? I mean, I saw you quite absorb in reading the book.’

Oooh...that's quite a move, it looks like Veris wants a bit more of a private chat with Gael...I didn't expect Veris to suggest something like that, but I have a feeling this is going to make things very interesting and perhaps Serra can then guide Gael in discussing more than just about these magics and onto some other important information.

‘Oh, this?’ Veris said, raising the book so that Gael could see the title. Princess Odeta and Her Warrior: The Separation. ‘I can continue with the novel later. It’s pretty good, but it doesn’t hook me that much. The romance is fine, but the story is a bit too character-driven for me.’

‘Ah, it’s a novel,’ Gael said, nodding. ‘You like romance novels?’

Veris blushed. ‘Well… yeah. I like pretty much all kind of novels except for horror. I hope you don’t mind with that.’

Gael shook his head. ‘Oh no, not at all! I just don’t expect you to read novels, but I’m fine with it. My favourite are fantasy novels, though it’s rare for me to find an author that can capture the magical element of the story flawlessly. Like you, I’m also open to other genres, including horror.’ He winked.

Okayy...well that was an interesting little talk on novels. A bit unexpected, but it adds to the realism of the scene quite a bit cause it makes sense that that's the sort of conversation you'd have in the library rather than anything else and to see them having a little bit of a bond over their shared interests in the novel genres was a sweet moment here.

‘It’s hard to mimic real life,’ Veris said, smiling wider. ‘So… are we still going?’

‘Sure, sure! Follow me.’

Once they arrived at Gael’s room, his roommate greeted him, lying on the bed with folded arm as Saeca’s pillow. ‘Hey, Gael,’ Saeca said, a student a year younger than him. Unlike most students, Saeca treated him with respect. The young Scholar student valued his knowledge more than the fact that he didn’t have Natural magic.

‘Do you want me to leave both of you alone?’

Okayy..so we've got a roommate getting introduce, I don't suppose this part will play too much into the story....it doesn't seem like Saeca is too important although he does appear to be one of the few that tend to actually respect Gael among the student population.

‘Um…’ Gael couldn’t remember, to be honest. He was occupied with far more important things than that.

I remember, Serra said. Both of you stopped at the changes Natural started in the country. It was a boring subject. I doubt he remembers it. Tell him about the Naturals’ betrayal, instead. Supposed betrayal, anyway.

‘The Naturals’ betrayal,’ Gael said, barely trusting Serra on this. ‘How Serra, Xesar and Wermin turned their back against Lio, resulting the god to fight them on his own.’

Veris frowned. ‘Is that where we left off? Ah, it doesn’t matter. Records have it that the deities wanted to rule the country anyway they wished and Lio was against that. He argued that despite being gods, they were bound with their rules and laws on how to govern the country. The argument ended up with the deities trying to kill Lio but failed when he managed to kill Wermin and weakened the other two.’

OKayy...well the goddess is basically trying to play a very dangerous game here with this friendship between these two by guiding the topic of conversation where she wants it to really go and I have a feeling this is going to lead to some very interesting views coming out here.

And risk exposing myself as anti-Lio? Gael thought back. Get your emotions in check, Serra. You don’t want to lose your title as Goddess of Wisdom, do you?

‘What do you think, Gael?’ Veris asked, taking Gael out of his conversation with Serra.

‘The deities had it coming. They should know better than to let greed consume themselves,’ Gael said, waiting for Veris’s response and ignoring Serra’s hiss. ‘It’s a pity only Wermin was killed. Xesar and Serra were no better. They should be executed in public.’

Veris was taken aback. He blinked. ‘That’s… an extreme way to put it. Frankly, I don’t think it’s as simple as that. The official record is one version of truth; we don’t know what Serra, Wermin and Xesar thought of Lio.’

Hmm, as extreme of a statement as that is, that is in fact a smarter way to go about getting Veris' true opinion on the matter...its a bit strange that Serra wouldn't see that as the godess of wisdom, but I suppose her judgement is a bit clouded by the personal stake she has in this whole situation.

Gael frowned, pretending to take offence. ‘Are you saying the government might lie about such important matter?’

Veris shrugged. ‘I’ve studied other religions, not just Nerecia. Sometimes, there are people who use them to gain influence and power. And one of the deceptive ways is to provide a version of truth that suits them.’

This guy is smart, Serra said. Gael could envision her nodding. Pity he gets Lio’s blessing. He can be an exceptional my-blessed student, though I don’t think fighting fits him.

Gael smiled. It was evident now that Veris didn’t take the government’s words in face value; he actually had the scholarly mind to question and consider everything. Serra’s evaluation of Veris was right; why did he enroll as a Fighter student? It was obvious he was born to be a Scholar student instead. Gael could have great debates with him.

Hmm, well it looks like whatever test these two wanted to give Veris he at least managed to trick his way into passing it so...well I have no idea where this little tentative situation might go but the initial suspicion I had on Veris from that first meeting is still there but so far it looks like these two might actually become good friends soon.

Gael felt heat rushing to his cheek. Could it be possible Veris was flirting with him? Could someone like Veris exist? ‘Hahaha. Charming isn’t the best way to describe me.’

Veris leaned forward. ‘In my opinion, someone who is knowledgeable and humble and doesn’t think those qualities make him charming is charming.’

Yes, his cheek was definitely getting hotter. He gulped. ‘If - if you think so, I guess.’ He leaned back, his instinct telling him Veris was no longer just a student but was instead a predator. He didn’t know how to handle this kind of predator. And… he didn’t think he wanted to.

Hold on a minute....the room just get a few degrees hotter all of a sudden...I had a feeling that description earlier was going to do something...but not this fast, it looks like Veris is sort of coming on a little hard here, its hard to say if maybe Gael having currently lost Haka and with Serra's less than encouraging comments is a weak position in that department at the moment but he's getting a little overwhelmed here for sure.

‘I’ve been watching you for a long time, Gael,’ Veris said, his voice turning low. ‘And I’m not going to lie: I like what I saw. You aren’t just a student - you are something more.’ Veris’s eyes - for Serra’s sake, they were gleaming! Gael could hear his breath now as Veris leaned closer and kissed Gael.

Gael couldn’t think of anything except the realization this was his first kiss, and with a guy, no less. He could taste Veris’s mouth. Veris’s hand ran through his hair, pulling him closer to their kiss. Veris’s other hand circled his waist. Every touch was electricity foreign to Gael. The experience was pure bliss. Veris’s fresh scent amplified every moment, making him want more.

Oh that just topped everything I could possibly have though of although hmm, Gael's reaction is a little unexpected. Veris going in for the kill there with a kiss makes sense but Gael responding so positively and not once remembering Haka...seems a little unlikely. I would expect him to still kiss Veris back but at least have one or two guilty thoughts. Also dang, Veris...did you have any chats with Mrs. Veneria recently...cause that was fast and effective, and I can't help but think Veris is potentially the new spy and he's not going to be someone like Ilami who will tell Gael he's being spied on.

Eventually, Veris broke the scene. Both of them breathed heavily. ‘I think we should stop here,’ Veris said, though his eyes still reflected hunger.

Gael smiled and grabbed Veris’s hand. It still felt surreal. ‘I’m sure there’s another time,’ he said, taking a risk to be bold.

‘Of course,’ Veris replied.

I shouldn’t be forced to witness this intimate moment, Serra said. I should put in a feature in this possession spell that allows me to turn away form this.

First of all...Serra, you're a goddess who is possessing a teenage boy, you should've never gone through with this without including that feature...but also this is hilarious and a interesting little junction to split this chapter at...I can't wait to see how the rest of it goes.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I think you've done a great job on developing this little scene, the only little issue I have is the lack of Haka thoughts towards the end, but ooooh, this is a rather interesting development and I can't wait to see what happens next.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hiya, Lightsong. Just dropping in for a review. I'll preface this by saying I'm glad you're going to raise the characters' ages in future drafts. I always had difficulty picturing the characters as tweens, and I think the way they interact is much better suited to slightly older characters.

Small Comments

He didn’t exactly know where Veris was, but he had noticed that Veris was a frequenter of the library

Just some tiny phrasing and grammar nitpicks. I'm also not sure about the repetition of 'Veris' - I feel like the second usage should be replaced with a pronoun.

Was it because he never met Veris after the time they spent in his room?

This strikes me as a slightly cumbersome way to express it. I feel like something like 'Was it because he'd only met him once?' would make the same point while also being smoother.

I mean, I saw you quite absorb in reading the book.’

Quite clunky. Something like 'I mean, you looked quite absorbed in that book' would sound more typical.

‘Oh, this?’ Veris said, raising the book so that Gael could see the title. Princess Odeta and Her Warrior: The Separation. ‘I can continue with the novel later.

I think the bold should be swapped out with 'it'. There's something distinctly strange about following a pronoun (e.g. 'this') with a full referent (e.g 'the novel') - it makes it sound like they're referring to different things. I could get into the rather interesting syntactic conundrum of why that's the case, but I'll restrain myself for your sake.

I hope you don’t mind with that.’

My favourite are fantasy novels, though it’s rare for me to find an author that can capture the magical element of the story flawlessly. Like you, I’m also open to other genres, including horror.’ He winked.

The winking seems really bizarre here; they're only talking about book preferences. It almost reads like they're talking in code, and that being 'open to other genres, including horror' is some kind of way of covertly communicating his sexuality. I don't think that's what you were going for, though.

his roommate greeted him, lying on the bed with folded arms as Saeca’s pillow.

As was the case with 'the novel', the use of 'Saeca' is really weird here - it makes it sound like the roommate is using someone else's arms as a pillow. Something like this would be much clearer:

[...] Saeca greeted him, lying on the bed and using her folded arms as a pillow.

‘Where did we leave off last time?’

They should know better than to let greed consume themselves,’

‘I was just testing you,’ Gael said. ‘I want to know if you’re a right-wing extremist or someone else.’

Hmm, I wasn't totally sure about the use of 'right-wing' here. The term just feels so current and contemporary, I wasn't sure it fitted in a slightly archaic setting. That said, this is more a matter of personal preference, so please yourself.

‘Ah,’ Veris said, raising his eyebrows, then smiled. ‘Cunning. What an interesting guy. More the charms for you.’

If I'm being honest, this dialogue made me cringe a little. It just feels a bit false, like you're making Veris's attraction much too obvious. I think if you scrapped the 'what an interesting guy' part, it would be much better. That said, I don't think I've ever heard the phrase 'more the charms for you' - what does it mean?

Could it be possible Veris was flirting with him? Could someone like Veris exist?

I don't get what you mean by this.

Gael felt heat rushing to his cheek.

Yes, his cheek was definitely getting hotter.

Just one of them? That's some lopsided blushing! It should be 'cheeks' in both cases.

Overall Thoughts

1) Okay, so, my thoughts on the kiss. I'm glad that Veris is getting some development and think he shows a lot of promise as a character, but I can't help but feel that this whole encounter was rather rushed. The chemistry between the two of them does feel a bit on the forced side, and - as Mea said - I'm surprised Gael responded so eagerly given that he's supposed to be out of his mind with worry for Haka. If you played it so that Gael was just trying to distract himself, it could work, but at the moment it feels like his worry about Haka has just vanished.

I'm notoriously hard to please with romance, however, so I'm probably harsher than most. I just want more build-up, and to feel like they have more genuine chemistry.

2) I really love the addition of Serra and the dialogue between her and Gael. I feel like you could capitalise on that much more than you do, actually! I'm surprised Gael wasn't more abashed that the literal Goddess of Wisdom was watching him smooch a guy. I'd expect some awkwardness - and it would've made for an interesting scene, if Gael had clammed up and hadn't been able to tell Veris why.

3) I feel like there's a fair amount of unnecessary padding in this chapter. Gael and Veris's conversation about novels doesn't add that much, and the interaction with Saeca isn't important. You could trim it down a bit to make it more streamlined.

Not a bad chapter overall, but I feel like the kiss was a bit out-of-the-blue and rushed. In a future draft, I'd like to see a bit more interaction between Gael and Veris before you jump straight into the smooching. I don't know how plot-relevant their relationship is going to be, but I hope it has some significance, because it feels like you're veering quite far from the major plot mysteries to develop it. Only time will tell.

Keep writing!
~Pan

Hey Light! Look at me, being timely today.

So.... wow! First kiss and everything. Wow. That was a bit unexpected.

One of the first things I noticed that I wanted to comment on is that it just feels awkward for them to leave the library and go to Gael's room to talk about this, since it's a historical subject that definitely wouldn't be out of place to discuss in the library. And since Gael is attracted to Veris, it feels like an excuse to get them alone so stuff can happen.

Having now read the rest of the chapter... I was right! It now makes more sense - Veris probably wanted some privacy so he could make a move on Gael. That being said, it would be good if you could have it cross Gael's mind that it's kind of weird for Veris to specifically decide they'll go to his room, just so that it feels more natural and draws more attention to the fact that this is Veris' doing.

And that being said... Veris is really going after Gael, isn't he? I feel like they barely know each other, and it's setting off red flags for me with regards to Veris. I feel like he might be trying to use Gael somehow, and I have no idea if that's intentional foreshadowing or not. I'm also a bit surprised that Gael responds so willingly, since he's much more in love with Haka and was literally just thinking that Veris is just cute.

Moving on to the stuff they discuss, one critique I had is that the way Gael tries to see if Veris is extremist or not or could possibly be on his and Serra's side is kind of confusing, because at this point I wasn't entirely sure what the mainstream dogma is that the official histories tell everyone to believe. I figured it out from his comments here, but it would be better if we were able to understand that before this, just because we're so far into the story at this point.

I really loved Gael's sarcastic comments to Serra. They were definitely my favorite part of this chapter. If you can't get the goddess out of your head, might as well be snarky about it. And then Serra's line at the end was great too. xD

One smaller thing:

He can be an exceptional my-blessed student, though I don’t think fighting fits him.

By using "though," you're having Serra say that Veris would be a good student under her blessing if it weren't for the fact that he's unsuited for fighting, thus implying that Serra's blessing is for Fighter students, when actually (as you say later) it's the other way around and her blessing is for Scholar students. Instead, you would want to write this: "He would be an exceptional my-blessed student. Fighting doesn't suit him."

I think that's about all I've got for this! It was a really good chapter overall, with all your characters well and truly in-character, some exposition, some laughs, and of course the big kiss. I'll be back to review the next chapter tomorrow. (Or possibly later today, we'll see.) Keep it up!