Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Soo..now that I've read the full first chapter, I can give my thoughts on the entirety of this...aaand I think I'm loving this start so far. If this was the first chapter in a story, I'd absolutely be turning those pages to the second chapter.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Seconds after Ilami’s scream, a whoosh pierced the air. Shadows loomed over her and she stared back. Standing behind her was Jaxin, Mother’s head servant, and two hooded figures at his sides. Jaxin stretched his neck to look at the corpse in front of her. People surrounding them continued their activities as if there was nothing to see, typical of being inhabitants of the city.
‘You have passed the test, Young Mistress.’ His voice and dark face were void of emotions. For a moment, she was disgusted by his statement; it was as if he was commenting on the weather. He nodded to his companions and they quickly approached the corpse, picking it before vanishing. ‘We will go back to the house. Her Ladyship will be pleased with this news.’
Well, that paints a nice little portrait there, it looks like tests like this are rather common, and potentially performed on a lot more people than just this one daughter of the person who runs said tests, either that or people in general just get murdered far more often. The servant's reaction also suggests this is a very common occurrence that they're no longer bothered by or he's just really good at being impassive.
Ilami stared at him with silence. Her attention went back to her fire sword, which was now nothing but a dagger. The spell had worn off, but she still could see the man’s blood on the Axiel steel. She looked away; she’d have to wash it later. The spot where the man laid just now was pristine, probably done by the mysterious figures in a manner of seconds.
Jaxin offered his hand. ‘Come, Young Mistress. We will need to make sure you are clean before you meet Her Ladyship.’
Hmm, washing the blood off of your blades is suuper important. I'm glad that she remembers that. The last thing you want is a rusted dagger that's also caked in dried gunk, worst weapon ever. Also looks like she's going to have report back quickly after this test.
‘I don’t want to meet Mother now,’ she said as soon as he finished. The last thing she would do was to find Mother and told her what had happened as if it was a good news. Mother didn’t tell her she had to kill the man. Why should she, a nine-years-old girl, murdered an innocent person? Mother should know she didn’t like what she had done. ‘I’m going to the lake.’ With that, she turned around.
Jaxin didn’t stop her, only expressing his objection in the form of ‘But, Young Mistress -’ which she cut off with a wave of her hand. She knew Jaxin held the highest position among Mother’s servants, but she was her superior, being the Mother’s daughter. Footsteps followed her. She didn’t look back; the least Jaxin could do was to watch and protect her.
Well...I'm guessing there's no official order for Ilami to return to the mother's side. That interaction went about as well as it could have. That little bit of reasoning is rather neat too, cause that lets you know the age, which is pretty low for a protagonist like this but well this is fantasy so I'm gonna let that have the benefit of the doubt. They might not be the humans that we run into every day.
Black stones covered the road while shops and stalls accompanied it from side to side. People walked past them, some stole a glance on Ilami’s bloodied dagger. She didn’t care. What she needed right now was the cool of the Sapphire Lake, the soothing touch of its water. Carriages moved through the way and some of the more adventurous individuals traveled by riding their horses. The noise was bearable at that time, not helping Ilami to escape thoughts about the dead man.
She took the single junction to the left that appeared a few minutes later, leading to Sapphire Lake. Her pace and heartbeats increased. She passed through the trees ending the road and emerged into the desired place.
Hmm, so it appears she's going towards a place that she appears to consider a bit of a safe space where she can be at piece with what she just had to do. It definitely sounds like it could potentially be an important setting going forward.
The lake was magnificent. True to its name, its water ran sapphire in colour, sparkling under the light of the sun. She ran towards it but slowed down when she reached the bank. The expanse of the lake seemed to be endless, but she knew it was a trick by the water spirits. She squinted her eyes, and sure enough, water spirits played at the middle of the lake, splashing each other with its content. They were as as small as a human’s hand, their luminous blue body lacked in details except for a curve here and there to differentiate the sexes.
She could hear their slow giggles, a music to her ears. Carefully, she took off her shoes and dipped her toes into the water. The freezing sensation pierced him, but it wasn’t like the usual one of a lake. The coldness felt as if it explored her flesh with its tiny invisible hands, numbing it in an attempt to heal it. She could feel how energy rushed towards her skin, her flesh, and soon she was waist down the water. She glanced back and saw Jaxin watching her, his pose straight and unmovable.
Oooh, this is a fun little moment here. I loved the description of the lake especially with you managing to slip in the details about the water spirits. Ahh this gradual reveal of the world around them and its many special features is my favorite way to learn about a fantasy world so this is going awesomely. You can also clearly see Ilami visibly relaxing in this space and just enjoying being there.
‘Come, Jaxin, join me,’ she said, her attention back to the water spirits. She had never joined them or having an actual conversation with them. Despite their friendly nature, they distanced themselves from humans for reasons she couldn’t guess. Slowly, she sunk herself deeper into the water, allowing it to reach her neck. Her skin felt the cold tinglings and welcomed it.
Jaxin, of course, didn’t participate. ‘Her Ladyship will not be pleased with what Young Mistress has done. You know well she doesn’t like her daughter to play around while she’s supposed to inform to Her Ladyship about the test.’ Urgency tinged in his voice.
Hmm, well her age comes through a little there, that sounds very much like how a younger child of a family of a bit of a high standing would react, trying to get the servants involved in the whole thing...with Jaxin having to remind her of her mother's potential displeasure. There's been barely a few words speaking between these two here but I can already tell this is going to be a dynamic that I will enjoy reading about.
Ilami sighed. Trust Jaxin to remind her of things she didn’t want to remember. ‘I would report to her about what I had done once my mind is clear.’ She splashed the water with her feet, her body now floating. She closed her eyes, listening to the whispers of nature. Birds chirped nearby mixed with the water spirits’ giggles and splashes. ‘I don’t want to meet her in a bad mood.’ She opened one eye to Jaxin. ‘You wouldn’t want that, would you?’
Hmm...that almost sounded like the sweetest way that someone can fire off a threat...well, I can safely say I'm already liking Ilami as a character here and I want to know more about how she's ended up in this situation.
Jaxin didn’t reply, giving her a flat stare. Sometimes she wondered if he ever let loose and be herself, not the loyal servant she had come to be accustomed to. She closed her eye back. Mother wouldn’t like that, her servant being carefree. She preferred them doll-like so that she could pull their every action with her strings. She just hadn’t known she would do that to her own daughter, forcing a girl to kill a person. When mother looked at her, did she saw a child needed love and care, or did she saw a potential that could be shaped into a weapon?
Ahh..this little reflection by Ilami is a powerful one there. You manage to tell us quite a bit about her mother in this one small paragraph and you already start forming opinions about what sort of person she may be and what her motivations are like.
‘Jaxin,’ she said, still closing her eyes. ‘It has been years since you serve us. What do you think of me?’
A gulp was heard, bringing a smile to her face. She could tell the question caught him off guard. He cleared his throat. ‘You are the most stubborn child I have ever served, Young Mistress. You are not just a Xesar-blessed Companion; the fire in you had existed the moment you yelled in fury for the first time.’
Ahh yes my prediction that I will love this dynamic is already coming into play...it seems very appropriate once again for someone of Ilami's age to casually ask a question like that, probably not realizing how much of a spot she put Jaxin under and yet...I detect a hint of genuine care in Jaxin, maybe I'm reading a little too much into it, but despite the rather negative reply, I think Jaxin does care quite a bit for Ilami.
She hummed to that, not expecting him to give her a long, direct reply. But then again, honesty would be a trait Mother appreciated - if it didn’t cross the line. It still didn’t now, and what surprised her more was the gentleness saturating his words. If she could describe it with a word, it would be… fondness. Despite her submission to obedience, he found it something worthy to be adored? He surely was a strange man.
So I wasn't the only one who picked up on that. I think you're definitely onto something there Ilami...and also she's remarkably perceptive for someone her age, I suppose one would have to be when her mother treats her the way she does.
Half an hour later, she was satisfied. New-found energy had been stored in her body, rejuvenating her. She went out of the lake, standing in a wet sky-blue tunic. ‘Wernia dreyis,’ she uttered, prompting wind to spiral around her, letting her cloth to move out of control. Drying spell was one of the convenient spells she had learned. Although it was a wind-based, not fire-based, spell, she could still learn a little bit of it. Not as extensive as a Wermin-blessed Companions, individuals who were attuned to the element of wind.
Ooooh...so spells don't appear to necessarily be taxing or anything of that sort in this world judging from the casual use of a spell when a towel would've been just as effective. So that's telling us a lot and we get a hint of how the magic systems in this world seem to work, so that's awesome to see as well.
Her clothes dried after half a minute. She turned to Jaxin who had held out his hand. She embraced his arm instead and anticipated for the incoming sensation. Her gaze blurred, the world a mess of moving colours, each of them unable to stay still. She also felt it took a bit more effort to breath but it didn’t last long. Colours returned to their place, painting the world with a different design in mind. She stared at the mansion standing tall and dignified in front of her. She had arrived home.
Ooooh...and a cool little teleportation trick to end on. I must admit I was worried for a second that Jaxin had somehow poisoned her or something, but hmm, the ending is rather clear. I just feel like maybe it would be nice of Jaxin to give a slight heads up, cause well...its not a stretch to imagine that this is a rather common occurrence and Ilami is very used to this, but as a reader it looks like she took Jaxin's hand for help with getting to her feet and then just BOOM...a fairly scary sounding effect..so uhh, think on that a touch
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, you've done a great job with this opening chapter. There is plenty of mystery to keep us questioning and wanting to know more. You tell us just enough the magic of this world and what its like for us to get a taste for the mechanics, and for us to understand what's going on, but not so much that it becomes an info dump. The characters so far are very likeable, well besides Ilami's mother, but well that's for a different reason. On the whole, a really solid start. Catch ya again in the next chapter
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 253913
Reviews: 4100
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