It was the day of the Test. The chosen students had been notified to enter specific places that held it. Gael was sure the open field was where the Fighter students would be at, and for Scholar students like him… it was a classroom. Out of all places. He was expecting a more unexpected place like the Xesar’s dormitory – he had heard the Test was held there four years ago for the Scholar students and its nature was very creative.
They were to wait outside of the room at nine in the morning. When he arrived, he saw Aleveri and two other students there. Lahfey and Deriz, third and fourth smartest in the school. The sight of all of them made him nervous a bit, but he was also looking forward to compete with them. It would be fun.
‘Hey Aleveri! Lahfey, Deriz – how’re you doing?’ he said as he met them.
Aleveri gave him a faint smile. ‘Hi, Gael.’
Lahfey and Deriz gave him a look before continuing the conversation they had with each other. They had also made sure there was a distance between them and Gael and Aleveri. As expected. They didn’t like the fact that Aleveri and he were smarter than them. He always lead, though Aleveri took his place sometimes.
Oh well. He wasn’t close to them anyway. He turned to Aleveri instead and grinned. ‘It’s been a while! How’re you doing?’ Between his study, spending time with Veris, and practicing blood magic, he didn’t have time to check on Ilami and Aleveri.
‘I’m fine. Not dead, at least,’ she said and chuckled halfheartedly. ‘How about you?’
He noticed how weaken she look, and wondered why. Perhaps her near-death healing took a toll on her? She didn’t look like the competitive person he knew she was, at least. ‘Same as usual, but more busy. With the study and stuff, you know?’ He paused, readying himself to ask the next question. ‘Have you- have you seen Haka?’
She raised her eyebrows. ‘Oh? Haven’t you seen him? He was out a few days after I, you know? He must’ve met you first.’
He could feel a huge boulder dropping in his stomach. Haka, here, days ago? ‘I – I didn’t see him. I tried going to his room, but it was locked. Knocked many times, and still nothing happened.’
She frowned and folded her arms. ‘That was… weird. I’m pretty sure I saw him the other day. Others would start to gossip if he wasn’t here, considering he was chosen for the Test.’
That made sense. But did that mean… he was avoiding him? The scene in the Restricted Area flashed across his mind. He was crouching on the floor, putting his entire focus on Haka as Aleveri healed him. Haka was dying and Gael whispered to him he loved him. He didn’t know why he did that – maybe he couldn’t bear the thought of never being able to confess to Haka. Now that Haka was fine, did he avoid him because of that?
He couldn’t bear that thought either.
Aleveri grabbed his arm. ‘Hey, if it makes you feel better… our Test ends at eleven. The one for Fighter students’ start at one in the evening. You can watch him.’
That was a given. Her gesture relieved him a bit, though – the feeling of having someone who cared for him was nice. After interacting with Serra telepathically, it was refreshing.
Are you insulting me, mortal? Serra said with a trace of irritation.
No, of course not, he replied quickly.
And then he saw Aleveri eyeing him. He put on a confused a smile. ‘What? Is there something on my face?’
She shook her head. ‘No, it’s just… I thought I saw… Never mind.’ She smiled. ‘Good luck for your Test!’
‘You too!’
With that being said, a mix of teachers and priests took charge of them and instructed them to enter one by one. They made sure to check that the students didn’t bring anything illegal with them.
When he entered the room, his shoulders shagged. Seriously. It was an empty room except for four wooden tables placed in a square pattern in the middle of it. On each table was a set of papers, pencils and erasers. It was like a typical examination. Was this kind of Test worthy of rewarding artifacts? He was pretty sure if the Natural or the Twin Deities saw this, they would be disappointed.
You are correct, Serra thought. I am disappointed. Terribly.
Maybe you should tell them that, Gael thought. He took the seat pointed by Mrs. Nayil, a History teacher. Oh wait, you can’t.
He couldn’t explain it, but he could feel heat in his mind. Somehow. It probably wasn’t wise to think like that. But his mood had plummeted once he entered the room. Mrs. Nayil in front instructed them to check the set of papers in case some papers were missing or the questions weren’t written clearly. It was multiple-choice test, which meant the scoring would be clear cut. After explaining the rules, she told them they could start now.
Gael scanned the questions briefly, and raised his eyebrow. Hmm. There was something that stood out in these questions. They covered all the Scholar subjects too, but those that covered the healing aspect of Natural magic were included more than others. He frowned and started to answer. They had two and a half hours to finish all one hundred questions.
Gael was quite satisfied with his answers as Mrs. Nayil announced the Test was over and proceeded to take their papers, the ones they used to write down the answers instead of the ones where the questions were written, which they could keep. He was glad it was over too. The questions were wonderful, but a few of them were actually difficult to answer, and they took quite a bit of his thinking energy. He was looking forward to getting a rest after this, but first, he had to continue his conversation with Aleveri.
The first thing Aleveri did to him when they met outside of the class was to grab him by the arm and dragged him to a secluded classroom before whispering, 'We need to discuss about the Test.'
'Huh?' Gael said, raising his eyebrow. He really didn't want to if he could help it.
'Let me see your questions papers,' Aleveri said and snatched them as soon as he moved his hand holding them.
She laid his papers and hers on the table and went through each page, her eyes darting from his to hers. Although they were question papers, you could circle the answers as a guide to write down on the answer papers, which Gael did. After a few minutes, she let out a long breath and placed her hand on her chest. 'Thank Serra.'
Gael took his papers back. 'What - what is it?'
'You've given more correct answers than I,' she said. 'I was worried there for a moment.'
'Why would you want me to get the better result?' Something wasn't right here.
'I -' She bit her lower lip. 'I've always known you're smarter than I.'
It didn't make sense. Aleveri would have the advantage in answering the questions since more of them covered the medical aspect of Natural magic. He wasn't quite as interested in it as she was, and from what he had seen, her healing skill was excellent. 'Aleveri, tell me -'
'Do you want to watch Haka's fight?' she interrupted, folding her papers and keeping them in her robe. 'Haka'll be fighting soon. It's your chance to see him.'
Gael kept whatever he wanted to say to himself. Haka. He had to see him. Not only because he wanted to know if Haka could win the Test; it also because he wanted to talk to him. To hear his voice. All this time he spent with Veris, a part of him realized it was his way to cope with not having Haka around. To cope with the idea that Haka was gone.
'Okay, fine,' he said, gritting his teeth. 'I'm not done with you, just so you know.'
'I know,' Aleveri said, smiling. 'I'll come with you; I want to see Ilami win.'
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Chapter 20.1: FelarisPoints:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,679 Literary Works • 672,647 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well...this test somehow managed to sound more boring than I anticipated and then also more exciting than I anticipated at the same time. Some very interesting questions asked, and the what I assume is going to be the most exciting part of the two tests hasn't even happened just yet.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy....well this sort of conference is always a rather terrifying one, when just all the smart kids are gathered in one single place about to go up against each other for whatever test is to come here. I have a feeling despite this being in a classroom, they won't be writing any answers doing in this particular test.
Hhmm, him getting seperated from the rest of the group seems to have worked flawlessly as a plan that I'm very sure Mrs. Venaria laid out with Veris and Ilami doing what they did...but well they are still on good friendly terms so that's great. We also a bit of a continuation of the slightly odd behavior by Aleveri which is certainly a bit concerning and the comes something I"ve been wanting to know for some time and that's what happened to Haka...it seems Gael is at least asking the right questions now.
Oh well...now things fall into place, I really was wondering what could've happened to him, especially with the whole test scenario but it appears that he's simply just not made contact with Gael for some reason...I suppose Serra will have an answer of two for this...I hope...she did warn him away from Haka more than one before.
Okayyy....well, this is going to be interesting...for one we see that Gael's already forming some rather valid sounding theories about what could be the reason behind Haka's currently rather mysterious actions, but on top of that we have a situation where I can totally see Serra calling him out her for calling her someone who doesn't care.
Haha...the fact that there is an actual Natural there to confirm his little outburst is hilarious and also a little troubling considering an academy like this must have some sort of standard to maintain. I'm definitely very surprised to just see a regular random testpaper being used here.
Okayy....well that certainly is an odd detail, both to notice and also to just be present. Considering Aleveri is probably the expert in healing here and her odd behavior and just everything happening around here in general, that sounds like it could be the test getting rigged for some unknown reason.
Okayy...that was definitely a weird move there. What could possibly have made Aleveri do that? Surely, she isn't that terrified of her exam answers? I mean, I've seen people do that before for sure...but, dragging someone into a corner to do it...that's just a little odd.
Oh that is definitely now interesting...especially with the mention of all of these healing things...I mean, I don't know how Aleveri can definitively say that Gael got more answers correct, its not like she knows all the answers beforehand...or does she? Well..there's so many questions wrapped up in that one little action there...I'm very curious to see how this turns out here.
Okayy...well...that's a conversation promised for later I see...and it seems we're now going to head over to see the test that truly could have some complications here and contain the highest concentration of main characters...so that should be even crazier, if this simple written test is already throwing up so many unexpected surprises.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I this little test scenario is shaping up rather nicely towards being a very powerful moment here for this academy...and I can't wait to see how it ends up going here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi, Lightsong! I'm scrambling to keep up with reviews again, but I thought I'd get to your novel first. I want to find out what the deal is with this Test!
Small Comments
This is quite clunky. Perhaps you could have something like: 'Gael was sure that the Fighter students would have to assemble on the open field'.
Just a few ordering and tense issues here.
I wasn't sure what you meant here. Are you saying that Gael is usually top of every class? In which case, it might be better to say something like: 'Gael usually came top in every subject, though Aleveri sometimes surpassed him in [insert subject here]'. Just an example, but it'd be good if you were specific about the classes Aleveri was superior in.
Ohohoh, what does this mean?
There's nothing grammatically wrong with this, but 'with that being said' actually has an idiomatic reading that doesn't really fit here. It's often used to mean 'despite this' and often introduces a contrasting point of view. You might say something like this:
The student struck back at somebody who had been bullying them for some time. With that being said, we cannot condone violence, no matter the reason.
So it doesn't just literally mean 'things have been said'. I think a better option for your sentence would be 'With that, a mix of teachers and priests took charge of them [...]', as 'with that' on its own doesn't have that idiomatic reading.
Can you be more specific? Are we talking the weapons kind of illegal or no-calculators-or-notes kind of illegal?
Bit clunky in the tag. 'Aleveri said, snatching them the moment he held them out' might be smoother, though you could probably cut it down even more.
The expression is odd here. 'You got more answers correct than me' or even just 'You did better than me' would sound more normal.
Let's try not to state the obvious
Try to kick this habit. You should use the object pronoun ('me') after 'than', at least in modern English. I don't know if you use 'I' specifically to sound archaic, but it feels out of place in the otherwise modern style that she speaks in.
Overall Thoughts
1) I agree with Mea that this chapter feels anticlimactic, but it does kind of work! There's a refreshing realism to Gael's reaction when he finds out it's just a random multiple-choice test, but there's also enough mystery to Aleveri's behaviour to keep the chapter interesting. I feel like you handle it more subtly than you have in the past, and I'm at a loss as to why she wants Gael to do better than her - while also seeming concerned about him. At first, I wondered if there was something terrible in store for the winner, but that doesn't quite fit with her behaviour. If she was just selfishly trying to push Gael into an awful fate, I don't think she'd hang around talking to him and act relieved in front of his face; she'd probably just scarper guiltily. So I really have no idea what her motivations are, which excites me.
Especially given that she seems to be able to sense Serra. I'm wondering if that's something to do with her being taken away - perhaps they did something to her while she healed, enhanced her somehow. But I can't think how it ties in with the Test.
2) I'm not fully convinced by the realisation that Haka has been back almost as long as Aleveri has. Even if he was actively avoiding Gael and hiding in his room, I find it difficult to believe that Gael wouldn't at least know he was back. Given the unexplained nature of his disappearance, I'd expect students to be gossiping about it. It'd be likely that someone would say something to Gael, given that Haka's supposed to be his best friend. Heck, it's more than likely that he'd see Haka walking around the academy. They are in the same year, after all.
I do really like the moment where Gael wonders if Haka has been avoiding him, because it links nicely back to the love confession and feels like exactly the conclusion he'd come to. But it would be much stronger if Gael had built this suspicion up more gradually, because I don't buy that he'd have gone this long without realising Haka was back. Unless Aleveri is lying to him, but that remains to be seen.
3) This is a smaller point, but I found that you were a bit black and white in how you portrayed Lahfey and Deriz's intelligence.
Considering the array of subjects they must study, I feel like it would be more interesting if Lahfey and Deriz excelled in different subjects to Gael. Sure, Gael might be top of the year overall, but that doesn't mean he has to be top in every single class - it just feels a bit two dimensional. It ties into what Mea said about fleshing out even the smallest background characters. If you mentioned that Lahfey had wildly inconsistent test scores but was brilliant at [x] subject, while Deriz was competent at everything but had no real flair for a particular class, suddenly they feel more like real people. It'd also give us a bit more insight into the different subjects they do, because I realised in this chapter that I know next to nothing about the academy's curriculum. I know there's a distinction between Fighter and Scholar, but I've no idea what branches of magic they focus on outside of healing and Blood Magic. When it comes to redrafting, I'd definitely like to see you pay more attention to the other students and the lessons themselves. As Mea says, it's those details that give Hogwarts its depth.
I think that's all for this one! I was critique-heavy here, but rest assured I did enjoy the chapter. I like Gael's snarky dynamic with Serra and I'm fascinated to find out what Aleveri is hiding. I'm excited for Ilami's chapter as well, as I expect that one will have some of the dynamism I've been hoping for with the Test.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Hey Light! Back as always for another review, and I have to say, this chapter was both anticlimactic and still really enjoyable. I'd expected something with a little more excitement (though I'm sure we'll get that with Ilami), but then the way you handled it with Gael's own disappointment make it work really well.
hehehehehehehehe
HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE
(Seriously, Gael's snarky comments to Serra give me life. Though yeah, making her mad probably isn't the best idea.)
Just a typo here, but a funny one. The word you want is "sagged," not "shagged." Trust me on that.
Again, I really liked Gael's disappointment at the nature of the test, because he's not wrong - a multiple-choice test seems like such a small thing to base such a big award on. xD I could definitely relate to that.
I have to admit, I'm surprised the teachers let the students keep the test, because they could give the questions to another student who hadn't taken it yet. I guess they're the only students that will be taking that particular test? You might want to specify that so readers don't wonder.
I don't get what's going on with Aleveri, though of course you haven't given us a lot of information yet.
And... can she *see* Serra? How does that work? I'm really curious now.
Also, I liked that you referenced other students in the school by name - because of course, even though they don't really come into the story, Aleveri and Gael still know them. It really helps round out the narrative and make it feel more fleshed out. I think it'd be great if you could drop stuff like that in earlier. In Harry Potter, J.K. Rowling had a list of about 40 people per Hogwarts House, and mentioned pretty much all of them by name at one time or another, and that adds a lot of depth to her world. You probably don't need to be that extreme because you're writing one book, not seven, but having a bunch of names and basic character appearances that you can drop in from time to time would be great.
And I think that's about all I've got for this chapter! Can't wait to watch Ilami fight. Keep it up!