Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okayy...so lots of things to process in this chapter, and some very interesting plans for the future being laid out here. I'm definitely loving all of this. This chapter feels like its going to be quite a turning point in this story as we go forward.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god, Gael thought. Was the voice being serious? It was Serra’s voice, the goddess that created and controlled water? It seemed so ridiculous, having this voice being the only evidence it was a Natural, but it seemed logical when viewed in a different angle.

‘How do I know you’re not - you know - some other entities? Like - evil ones?’ he said, containing his excitement, which was for better or worse.

You remember, do you not? The event that led to the lost of your blessing? Who else could remove it if it was not for the Natural herself, the one who granted it to you?

OKay...I am not sure what that exactly means, but I think it sounds like Serra was in fact the person who removed his blessing, probably in some sort of bid to get him noticed and get Mrs. Venaria to have him in the academy, which is whole other can of worms about what sort of plan she's playing around with by playing Gael almost like some sort of pawn in this chess match against this Lio character...so well, things are already looking extra interesting here and I love it.

Only his parents, Mrs. Venaria, and Ilami knew about the event. This voice wasn’t any of them, so it couldn’t be faking to be Serra. Which meant it was Serra. There was a Natural inside of him.

Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god. His first thought was to pester the voice - no, Serra - with questions. Lots of them. One of them including how she could be inside him. And why him? It took him a few seconds to realize he was thinking as a scholar when instead he should be focusing on something else.

‘You said you could read the future. Why couldn’t you predict Haka’s death? You could stop it!’

Okayy...that is definitely a justified reaction in the middle of that situation. ALso him yelling 'Oh god oh god" about meeting a literal goddess has a hilarious sort of irony to it that I am laughing far too much. I love how his initial reactions are all very much like him before he then suddenly realizes there is maybe more of a question he needs to ask from Serra.

Did you not hear what I said? Serra said. All of you have to enter the Restricted Area in order to find out the academy’s secret. As it turns out, the academy is experimenting on people.

‘How can you know that for sure?’ he demanded. ‘Yeah, the library there has books about the illegal activities, but they are just that - books. The academy can’t possibly carry out an experiment on people. It can’t happen in the Restricted Area.’

That is where the door on the wall comes in this matter. The fact that the poor creature emerged from it is clearly evident there is something behind it. Otherwise, he could have struck you from the library.

Okayy...well clearly she is definitely playing this like a chess match, sort of trying to probe using these four kids into proving whatever is going on here at this academy courtesy of this Lio who may well be manipulating someone like Mrs. Venaria in some fashion. Its an interesting view to bring into things, but considering that is pretty much exactly what you would expect, so no surprises there.

She doesn’t care at all! Gael screamed mentally. All she cares is about finding Lio’s scheme, finding what he’s hiding, finding his that, finding his this - is she even human? Of course not, she’s a damning Natural, the so-called deity of Estagria. We worship deities like this, really?

Can you stop exaggerating? Serra hissed. The boy survives. The girl survives. No one dies except for the Seshier, which means your infiltration is successful. You should focus on that instead of collecting your negative thoughts.

I mean Gael you should probably realize that is par for the course with pretty much every goddess in fantasy, they only work so far as their own end gets furthered, often it is the right end to aim for, but some humans are always going to end up being used as a simple means to an end, and well, I suppose they're all lucky that they are all alive.

Gael surrendered his head to the pillow, letting out a heavy sigh. ‘I’m not a puppet, Serra. I can’t be created to focus only one thing. Imagine if one of your fellow Naturals got killed because of something bad - wouldn’t you react the same way that I did?’

If she is killed, we cannot bring her back! Serra snapped. The reason I want to focus on exposing Lio’s illegal experiment is so that the rest of Estagria is safe from him! Do you not not understand that sometimes, between two choices, we have to choose the less distasteful one? Or are you telling me you think the life of that boy is worth millions?

Logical arguments being tossed around on both sides here, so this conversation is certainly heating up a little and becoming rather interesting too, cause how Gael manages to react to all of this is going to be instrumental to what might end up happening a little bit further down the line here.

Gael bit his lips and closed his eyes. The lives of people shouldn’t be valued by how much they were in total. Haka was dear to him and yes, he would tell Serra the life of that one boy is worth millions. Even worth more than himself. If she didn’t get that, then - then she’d better find someone else. And returned back his blessing. Which was hers in the first place. This would be a difficult thing to do.

Gael finding himself in quite the conundrum there....hmm, this certainly doubles as a wonderful summary of events here for how this whole thing has been upto this point and I love that. Now let's see what his next move is going to be here.

Then we have to use a different mean. I want you to approach Veris.

The name of the blond boy caused Gael to frown. ‘Why do I have to do that?’

He could hear the clucking of a tongue and was impressed by it, considering the voice didn’t have one. Or maybe she had and he just didn't see it. I have been in your body for so long. I know more than you do about what is happening in the surrounding. Veris is a friend of Felaris, the sister of Arafel. Arafel died a day after entering the Restricted Area. If you befriend Veris, you would be involved in their investigation on the place.

Okay so Serra is definitely a rather calculating person who'd want to try and branch out and get as many people in on this as possible, that's a smart move I think, if a lot of these people worked together rather than working to simply sabotage each other, they would certainly get a lot more done, so I'm pretty excited to see where this take us here.

It does not matter. The point is to gain stronger and more allies. Veris can help you with Nerecia and our magic. I have seen Felaris fighting Seya, her friend - you did not see this, of course, since your back was on the sparring field - the two girls are dangerous fighters in their own way and lethal when they cooperate with each other.

Gael sighed inwardly. Serra was bossing him around, and while she was a goddess, he didn’t look forward in obeying her. Was this how he would spend his life if he lived with a deity? If so, then he preferred to worship them from afar and had them interfere in his life in subtle ways. He wouldn’t be restricted so much by then. He already had his parents to give him instructions and even they weren’t as bossy as this goddess. If he wanted to be a scholar, a professor, freedom was something he would need very much.

OKayy....well it looks like he's still not going to give too much thought towards the whole "Everyone is in danger and you need to stop whining" speech that Serra was giving earlier and he's looking for some sort of way to try and get out of the whole thing...can't quite blame him for doing that here...but well it should be pretty interesting.

He could ask her to find someone else, could he? Maybe she wouldn’t give back his blessing in return, but hadn’t he been adapting to a life without one for a long time now? Plus, he wasn’t totally without magic. He had blood magic, and after years, he would be able to master it. From what he had read, blood magic was more versatile than Natural’s magic, anyway.

He heard a sigh.

Sometimes I cannot bear having to hear your thoughts, Serra said. What a vain way of thinking you have right now. If you care so much about the boy and having a normal life without me, then consider this: if you do not stop Lio and his scheme, he would be the end of you. Already -

OKayy...so he probably totally forget that...there's no real room for thinking bad thoughts about someone who's inside your head..and well, it looks like some interesting clashes are going to happen here, Serra certainly seems to think Gael is simply being a bit naive to the world here and Gael seems to just want to have nothing to do with these complicated schemes by deities.

‘Are you sure Lio’s involved in this?’ Gael asked, frowning. ‘I know some of the books used him as support for the experiment, but do you actually have solid evidence about his part in it?’

Oh, poor child, Serra said. Ignorant, innocent boy. There is so much you do not know about us Naturals. For an institution as huge as Quasar Magica Academy, its existence and activities are not beyond the knowledge of a Natural. We - Xesar, Wermin, and I - forbid the practice of human experimentation, an idea proposed by Lio. When he knew he could not gain our approval, he schemed and betrayed us.

OKayyy...well I guess Serra is giving him a slight history listen in the darker side of the world here, and this is all going to be very interesting now, cause for one we as readers are learning a lot about the more behind the scenes work in this world with the gods and goddesses getting involved, but also we see that Gael is now going to have some of his literal views on the world get shaken up a bit.

I could not understand the magic he used against us, but it was enough to defeat us. He killed Wermin - Gael could hear her voice getting smaller when she said the other goddess’s name - and forced Xesar and I to flee. Since then, I have not met Xesar, but I have not give up either. I have been moving around to find the perfect person and finding out what Lio has been up to. The existence of the library proves he is still continuing the damning activity. While I am grateful he is failing, it means more sacrifices are being made to create serex hanis. That means your friends Haka and Aleveri who are now at their hand have a high chance of being experimented.

A shiver ran down Gael’s spine. No, he thought. Haka - he can’t - they can’t hurt him. No. No no no. He felt like crying again. ‘Why me?’ he whispered. ‘I don’t know how to fight. You stole my blessing. What am I useful for?’

Well...ouch, I did not quite see that possibility coming but those two could indeed be kept in such confidential treatment areas because of that potential for experimentation. I didn't even think of that. That certainly opens up even more craziness and now poor Gael just not knowing what to do is very understandable.

Stole? Serra said, a hint of laughter in her voice. I did not steal it, Gael. I merely sealed it with a fragment of my soul - the voice you are now hearing - to prepare for future use. I wanted you to learn and master blood magic so that when I give your blessing back and you need to face against Lio -

‘I’ve mastered both Natural and blood magics,’ he whispered, realizing the exact reason why Serra was called the Goddess of Wisdom.

Hmmm, I suppose that's a somewhat good plan, better than the reason I suspected but hmmm, I wonder why she couldn't do this without taking his blessing away and having him master both at the same time. Would that hinder his ability master them in some fashion? Or is simply a case of something like motivation?

I hope the reveals aren’t too much in this chapter. I didn’t plan to give away this much, but it just felt right to have Serra telling Gael all of this. What do you think?

I think its about enough reveals...I mean we are fifteen chapters into this story, learning a few of the more intricate detail only makes sense, if Serra kept most of this stuff quiet from Gael, that would actually be a problem, her telling him is actually the better option.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I really like how this chapter seems to suggest things are about to get a very serious move on here....and I'm really excited to see where this one ends up going from this point onward. Well...anyway, until next time then.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

So many questions! It's great that we get to be introduced to a deity like Serra now - she adds a whole other dimension to everything that's going on and definitely makes the stakes rise a lot. Gael's reactions also make sense, and you do a good job of showing his uncertainty and anger at Serra's coolness.

Only his parents, Mrs. Venaria, and Ilami knew about the event. This voice wasn’t any of them, so it couldn’t be faking to be Serra. Which meant it was Serra. There was a Natural inside of him.

If this voice is this powerful entity, couldn't it have been spying on them when the event happened, and that's how it would know about it? I don't quite see how this is proof that it's Serra - although I believe it's Serra, this explanation probably shouldn't convince Gael.

As it turns out, the academy is experimenting on people.

Called it! Isn't this a little anticlimactic? Isn't this the secret right there? As I read through more, I feel like the other reveals work pretty well, but revealing the experimentation here doesn't work that well. For one thing, it seems like Serra doesn't know for sure that that's what Ilami's mother is doing. I also feel that out of everything she's told him in this chapter, if there was one thing she would keep secret (whether because she doesn't want him to worry about it, or accidentally give the game away, or something else), it would be the experimentation.

She doesn’t care at all! Gael screamed mentally. All she cares is about finding Lio’s scheme, finding what he’s hiding, finding his that, finding his this - is she even human? Of course not, she’s a damning Natural, the so-called deity of Estagria. We worship deities like this, really?

This just didn't seem to follow from what Serra had been saying just a moment before. What made Gael decide she didn't care? She hadn't dismissed Aleveri and Haka as unimportant or anything. And surely searching out the mystery of what's going on would let Gael take steps towards rescuing them. Was it her tone of voice? It's just that it seemed like Gael had stopped thinking about them for the moment in favor of thinking about what was going on in the Restricted Section and all the questions he had, and so it doesn't make sense that he's berating Serra for not caring about them.

So many questions! How omniscient are these deities? What can they do? Where is Serra's physical body, if she has one at all? Why choose Gael? I'm sure you're going to answer a lot of these questions as time goes on, and I'm excited to learn the answers.

Overall, this was a good chapter that didn't reveal too much, but some of the transitions between the pieces of information felt forced or unlikely, and in some ways it feels like Serra is assuming things she doesn't actually know. But I feel like the plot is really coming together and there's exciting times ahead of us.

And it looks like I'm caught up! Can't wait to read some more, so write quickly! And I'll be faster about reviewing it this time. See you in the next one!

Hiya, Lightsong! Sorry I've been a bit slow getting to this! Same drill as usual, with grammatical fixes in blue.

Small Comments

‘How do I know you’re not - you know - some other entity? Like - an evil one?’ he said

I feel like it would make more sense in the singular, seeing as there's only one voice.

Only his parents, Mrs. Venaria, and Ilami knew about the event. This voice wasn’t any of them, so it couldn’t be faking to be Serra.

This is pretty flawed logic. If the voice belonged to some kind of evil entity that had possessed him like a demon, there's no reason it wouldn't be able to read his thoughts and access his memories. It is in his mind, after all. So it doesn't really prove that it's Serra.

Could there be another, more concrete way for her to prove her identity? Could she show him one of her memories, perhaps? That might be interesting.

All of you had to enter the Restricted Area in order to find out the academy’s secret. As it turns out, the academy is experimenting on people.

The academy can’t possibly carry out an experiment on people. It can’t happen in the Restricted Area.’

Again, flawed logic. They wouldn't have to be experimenting right in the Restricted Area - they could be doing it elsewhere in the academy. And why would he think it was impossible for them to be experimenting on people? It's not like the academy would go to the trouble of literally killing students if all they were hiding was just a few unsavoury books - they could explain them away easily enough, claiming that they were old and purely owned for historical purposes.

It's blatantly obvious that they're hiding something bigger, so I feel like Gael isn't using his brain here. He's normally pretty good at accepting the truth.

The boy survives. The girl survives. No one dies except for the Seshier, which means your infiltration is successful. You should focus on that instead of collecting your negative thoughts.

I don't know if the tense slippage here is a deliberate way of characterising Serra's speech style. It could work, considering that she doesn't seem to be confined to time in the linear way that people are, but I thought I'd point it out in case it was a mistake. Past tense is what I'd expect to see more than present.

The lives of people shouldn’t be valued by how much they were in total.

Slightly clunky expression. I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say. Maybe you could have something like:

People's lives couldn't be weighed against each other like gold or flour.

But I might be way off the mark in respect to your intended meaning, so go with whatever you like. Just make sure you express yourself more clearly.

Both of us can’t investigate more on this matter.’

This is grammatical, but sounds a bit strange to a native speaker. You don't normally see 'both' used with negatives (e.g. 'both of us don't know how to do it', 'both of us won't do it') even if it is structurally acceptable. It's more common that we see 'neither' + the normal, un-negated verb form, like this:

Neither of us know how to do it.
Neither of us will do it.
Neither of us can investigate more on this matter.

So it isn't a huge issue, but it using 'neither' would streamline the dialogue a little and make it seem more natural.

Then we have to use a different means. I want you to approach Veris.

The name of the blond boy caused Gael to frown.

I feel like you're trying too hard to remind us what Veris looks like. You could trim it down to the much more compact 'Gael frowned'. It would still be completely clear what had caused him to frown.

I have been in your body for so long. I know more than you do about what is happening in the surroundings.

As a noun, 'surroundings' always has an 's' on the end.

If you befriend Veris, you will be involved in their investigation on the place.

The will/would distinction strikes once more. A tip to help with that is to check the tense of the verb in the 'if' clause. If it's present, you'll need 'will'. If it's past, you'll need 'would'. Examples:

If I bake a cake, I will be happy.
If I baked a cake, I would be happy.
If she tries it, she will enjoy herself.
If she tried it, she would enjoy herself.

That's a good rule of thumb when you're working with 'if' clauses. I've only just noticed the convention myself.

he preferred to worship them from afar and have them interfere in his life in subtle ways.

Sometimes I cannot bear having to hear your thoughts, Serra said. What a vain way of thinking you have right now. If you care so much about the boy and having a normal life without me, then consider this: if you do not stop Lio and his scheme, he will be the end of you.

See here: it should be 'will' because the if-clause is in present-tense.

Grammar aside, I think you do a really great job of capturing Serra's godly impatience. She's not a likeable character, but I find her dialogue really interesting to read. She sort of has a point, as well, because wallowing isn't going to solve Gael's problems.

That means your friends Haka and Aleveri, who are now at their hand, have a high chance of being experimented on.

1) Do you mean 'now in their hands'? I've never heard 'at their hand' before.

2) Ah, I called it. I thought when they took Haka and Aleveri away that they'd probably be in some dodgy experimental lab somewhere. That does not bode well, especially given what you've been saying about impending character deaths...

‘Why me?’ he whispered. ‘I don’t know how to fight. You stole my blessing. What am I useful for?’

Stole? Serra said, a hint of laughter in her voice. I did not steal it, Gael. I merely sealed it with a fragment of my soul - the voice you are now hearing - to prepare for future use. I wanted you to learn and master blood magic so that when I give your blessing back and you need to face against Lio -

‘I’ve mastered both Natural and blood magics,’ he whispered, realizing the exact reason why Serra was called the Goddess of Wisdom.

I really like this revelation. It works and ties everything together nice and neatly. However, I feel like Gael's got a loooooooong way to go before he's mastered either type of magic. I do wonder about Serra's choice to use a literal child in her scheme! Easier to manipulate, I suppose.

Overall Thoughts

1) I don't think Serra reveals too much in this chapter. It feels like it fits. There'd be no point in keeping Gael in the dark just for the sake of it, so I'm glad she actually informs him quite fully. It's great from an audience perspective, because we've been waiting for these reveals for what feels like a very long time - and I must admit, they're all satisfying. There's nothing that's disappointed me and it all seems to make sense.

2) Still a bit hazy on what Lio's actual plan is and why he's doing it. So he wants to make super humans. Why? He's a god, isn't he? Doesn't he have enough power as it is? I hope that the motivation you have in mind does have real weight, because villains that are evil for the sake of it are tiresome.

3) On that note, is Lio a god or isn't he? In the first half of the chapter, Serra said that Lio wasn't the God of Justice, which made me wonder if he'd usurped the real one and tried to take its place - a notion I was really interested in. In this chapter, however, Serra doesn't say anything about him not being a Natural, just that he was a traitorous one. Which is okay, I suppose, but you might want to alter the first half of the chapter to make sure it doesn't send out a false impression.

(The whole thing kind of reminds me of the founders of Hogwarts except on a much more extreme level. Four powerful people/gods, one that defects and does something that the others don't like. Obviously Salazar Slytherin just left the quartet in Harry Potter rather than trying to kill his colleagues, but I can still see similarities).

4) I'm really excited by the whole idea of Serra being an active presence in Gael's head - someone that he actually has to work with. I love writing and reading about any kind of possession because I think the idea has so much scope, so I'm really excited to see your interpretation of it. What kind of power does Serra have over Gael? She can talk to him, yes, but can she do anything else? Control him? Lend him her power? Obviously you don't want to run the risk of making things too easy for Gael, but I'm really excited to learn the parameters of what Serra's voice is capable of.

5) Also excited to see Gael attempt to team up with Veris. I feel like it's going to be a great opportunity to characterise him, because of Felaris's friends I feel like he's the one I know the least about.

That's all for this review. I really enjoyed it! Once again, sorry for taking so long to get round to critiquing it.

Keep writing!
~Pan