I feel like time passes slowly here, as if it were a dream,
and the fading memory of that night passes unseen,
to the eyes of many who walk a path blindly followed,
one step in front of the other as I struggle to see tomorrow.
To meet the present face to face, and leave history in its place,
so when the sun can finally rise in the morning,
it can see me sanding in its glory.
And I can greet the morning with grace,
For I have finally not been left out of place.
The beating heart of my body pounds joyously in my chest,
for I have finally seen the beauty of the past.
And the sorrows can fade from my soul, for I have met freedom at last,
Because I am no longer stuck in the past,
trying to find my way, as I stumble blindly in the darkness.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hey there! ^_^ I saw this in the poetry section, and thought I'd leave a review for you c:
Okay I super love this poem! Your first two lines established the premise of the poem and immediately got me hooked. I love your language and word choice, and you've got some nice images sprinkled throughout the poem. I also admire your rhyme scheme; I think you chose some lovely words that rhyme but don't compromise the meaning of the poem. I love the metaphors and similes you used throughout -> like comparing life to a dream and being unable to see nights. I think you did a super nice job with the technical stuff <3
And as for the message, AHH I loved it!! It's a very relatable theme, being stuck in the past and unable to see the future because of that. And what I also really loved about this is the transition -> the speaker starts out with not being able to get out of the past to finally being able to live their life, and I think that's just wonderful <3 All in all, I super love this poem! ^^
I do have a couple of things I'd like to mention; I'd like to say though that these are just suggestions, so if you don't agree with them, please feel free to ignore me! ^_^
The first thing I'd like to mention is stanzas. Since this poem isn't necessarily short, I think adding stanzas could make this poem neater, easier to read, and less intimidating! c: I'll give you one way you could divide this poem in the spoiler below. But of course, there are many ways, so don't feel like you haves to stick to what I wrote! And if you don't want stanzas at all, that's perfectly fine too! c:
Spoiler
The next thing I'd like to mention is your rhyme scheme. I admire your rhyming and how you were able to keep a good rhyme without losing the poem's meaning! There are some spots I'd like to point out that your rhyme scheme was a bit inconsistent
Okay so usually you have an AA, BB, CC etc. rhyme scheme. But here, you did an internal rhyme and broke your scheme. This is just a suggestion, but I would stick to the aa, bb form. It's more predictable, and the sudden rhyming change won't be jarring to the reader. It also helps with consistency!
So this little guy didn't have a rhyming buddy, so I suggest the same thing for consistency and easiness in reading! ^^
And that's all I really got for you!! Overall, I think you did a lovely job with not only the message of this poem, but also with the structure and language. I think it reads and flows quite nicely, and the theme of this poem really stuck with me <3 I hope to read more from you soon, and I hope this helped! c:
Thanks for the review! Glad you liked it!
My favorite lines:
Time passes slowly here
The fading memory [of] a path blindly followed, to meet the present face to face
I have finally not been left out of place
These lines are beautiful. I love the imagery, I love the rawness, and I love the hope they carry.
I hope they ring true throughout the rest of your life (however short it might be, old woman)
All I can say about this poem is that it deserved the literally spotlight it got. Congratulations!
Thanks!
Heya!
First of all, Age 99. Lol. Glad I found that before reading. Oop
I thought this was so vivid and beautiful. Usually, I split my reviews up into lots of different choppy sections, but I think I can just say:
Wow.
Yeah, that should be enough. I don't know how I found this honestly, through lots of digging I guess, but I'm glad I did. I should have checked the date of this poem - but hopefully, it was recent so I can see more of this in the future!
If it's not new, I need to make it a habit to check work dates before reviewing them.
Actually, that should be a habit anyway.
Oops, sorry for rambling, back to your poem.
I feel like I'm in this time and space void with you: it's surreal and magical. I enjoyed reading it and:
Oh, look! I found the date! It was relatively recent! Hopefully, I'll see more from you. If this is what you randomly spawn in a night, I wonder what some planning could be.
Anyway, have a good day!
Peace,
Myre
This for the review, i'm glad you liked it! And no, the poem is not old, I published it today.
Hey LUNARGIRL!
Elinor here! Thanks for sharing your poem. I clicked on it because I'm always interested in stories about the past and how it relates to where we are in the present, so I thought I would drop by to give it a quick review.
Time is such a fascinating concept to really think about, and I think that you did a good job of capturing the passage of it effectively in your poem. If you think about it, "now" is always changing, becoming the past as we move further along into the future.
Actually, because I won't shut up about the show, it reminded me of WandaVision and how each episode moves through a different decade of television. In the process, it shares impactful messages about the power of nostalgia. I'm not sure if you watch but I would check it out if you're interested.
My main comment would be to make the imagery in your poem more tangible, allowing it to stand out. What does the past mean to the narrator? What does the future mean? Is there any imagery you can use to represent it?
Anyway, I thought you did a great job with this. Happy writing!
Best,
Elinor
Thanks for the review!
Hi,
This is a great poem - I love the time imagery you have here, it feels as though that you've crafted a reflective poem here:
I feel like time passes slowly here, as if it were a dream,
and the fading memory of that night passes unseen,
to the eyes of many who walk a path blindly followed,
one step in front of the other as I struggle to see tomorrow.
Here you give imagery of a character looking over their past or a bad day, which I feel as though that people will relate to very well. I feel as though you're poem is a good length, not too long nor short, which as a writer can be very difficult to achieve sometimes. Honestly I have no suggestions of improvement - your language choices are fantastic, your imagery is great - keep writing!
Thanks for the review, glad you liked it!
Spoiler