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Our Castle in the Clouds

by LUNARGIRL


I can hear the wind calling out to me,

its song a symphony of wonders,

that pull at my heartstrings

until their as tight as violin's,

drawing me closer to you,

closer to home.

...

Across the sea,

through the storm,

over the mountains,

and into the valley,

until I can see our white picket fence,

against the sprawling background of lush rolling hills

that are as abundant as the clouds in the sky,

our own little castle in the clouds.

...

Where we work the land

until our fingers are caked in fertile soil,

and baskets are filled with produce form our labors,

and our lungs are filled with fresh air,

and the sent of wild flowers from the fields permanents the land,

and the sun has finally set over our little kingdom,

dying it a hue as bright as gold,

because that is what this land is worth to us.

...

It is worth more than all the diamonds you can rip from the Earth,

more than all the gold discovered in ancient civilizations,

more than all the money billionaires can accumulate,

because this land is a part of us, and it always will be.

...

For when we grown old,

and our backs bend from age,

and our skin sags from our now frail bodies,

and we have children of our own,

We only hope that they find the same worth

and fulfillment we did.

...

Even when we die,

buried among the wildflowers,

in the same fields we worked

all those years ago,

we will still dream  

of our castle in the clouds.


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User avatar
40 Reviews


Points: 39
Reviews: 40

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Tue Sep 14, 2021 7:38 am
rida wrote a review...



The keyboard clicked, fingers pressing into it as the intoxicating smell of coffee and banana bread wafted into the air. The fingers paused, uncertainty lingering in the air, and a strange sort of stillness flickered, before it was swept away by the resuming of the familiar music: clickity-clackity-clickity-clackity…


Ahem ahem, excuse me. I’m a sucker for dramatics ;)
This poem was lovely, as your poems always are! Two things I loved about this poem are the vivid imagery, (I ended up dabbing the corners of my eyes and pestering my family by reading this poem out loud and telling them how natural it was), and it’s rhythm- these two things seem to come naturally to you in your poems!!!!

But I did notice a few grammatical mistakes- just tiny little nitpicks if you don’t mind…

I can hear the wind calling out to me,

its song a symphony of wonders,

that pull at my heartstrings <- - - I think you mean ‘pulls’ instead of pull.

until their as tight as violin's, <- - - ‘their’ isn’t correct, please change it to ‘they’re’, and it should be ‘violins’ instead of “violin’s”. (Typos, what can we do about them? It’s like keyboards have sworn to put them in our writings!)

drawing me closer to you,

closer to home.

...

Across the sea, |

through the storm, |

over the mountains,|< - - - I think this imagery was really nice, but this doesn’t…. Fit. Maybe if you add ‘travelling across…..”, then these lines and the next lines in the stanza can really match

and into the valley, |

until I can see our white picket fence,

against the sprawling background of lush rolling hills

that are as abundant as the clouds in the sky,

our own little castle in the clouds.

...

Where we work the land

until our fingers are caked in fertile soil,oooh…. Love this!

and baskets are filled with produce form our labors,

and our lungs are filled with fresh air,

and the sent of wild flowers from the fields permanents the land,

and the sun has finally set over our little kingdom,

dying it a hue as bright as gold,

because that is what this land is worth to us.

...

It is worth more than all the diamonds you can rip from the Earth,

more than all the gold discovered in ancient civilizations,

more than all the money billionaires can accumulate,

because this land is a part of us, and it always will be.

...

For when we grown old,

and our backs bend from age,

and our skin sags from our now frail bodies, This line is definitely my favourite one!

and we have children of our own,

We only hope that they find the same worth

and fulfillment we did.

...

Even when we die,

buried among the wildflowers,

in the same fields we worked

all those years ago,

we will still dream

of our castle in the clouds.




Overall, I loved, loved, loved this poem! I hope you keep writing! This really deserved the literary spotlight!

Thank you for sharing this poem with us!
~@rida



Image
Banner courtesy @ImaginativeAlice




LUNARGIRL says...


Thanks for the review!



IMK says...


violin's was actually correct, but other than that i agree with this review :)



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359 Reviews


Points: 37050
Reviews: 359

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Sun Sep 12, 2021 11:57 pm
Plume wrote a review...



Hey there, and happy RevMo! Plume here, with a review!

I really enjoyed reading this poem! It was rich with imagery and had a very sweet vibe to it. I love the age old classic love story you portrayed; I'm a sucker for those kinds of things. The castle in the cloud figurative bit was really lovely too. This entire thing was lovely, actually, who am I kidding? Anyways. Really great job.

One thing I enjoyed about this poem was the flow and imagery. I guess that's two things, but you get the idea. I loved those sensory appeals you sprinkled throughout, what with the "fingers caked with fertile soil" and "a hue as bright as gold" and "the scent of wildflowers." It was all just absolutely gorgeous, especially when coupled with the narrative of these two lovers; it deepened the story and added a lot of extra flair. I think that also, despite this not rhyming, you were able to achieve a natural flow that felt especially poignant and poetic. I loved the callbacks to things in previous stanzas in the last one, and how every line just seemed to naturally spill over. It was truly a special experience reading this poem.

Specifics

until their as tight as violin's,


Couple things about this line: "their" should be "they're"; it's an easy mistake to make, I know. And then I think that it would flow better and make more sense gramatically if you put "a" in front of "violin's." If you think that throws off the rhythm of the poem though, you could also move the apostrophe to after the "s" rather than before.

drawing me closer to you,

closer to home.


That subtle implication that the "you" in the poem is the same thing as home to the speaker really got me. It's a beautiful little tidbit in the first stanza, and it flows so gracefully too. Nice job.

and baskets are filled with produce form our labors,


Tiny thing: I think "form" should be "from."

and the sent of wild flowers from the fields permanents the land,


I wasn't quite sure what you meant by "permanents" the land. I don't think I've ever seen "permanent" used as a verb before; is it possible you meant "permeate?"

dying it a hue as bright as gold,


Another tiny thing: "dying" should be "dyeing."

Even when we die,

buried among the wildflowers,

in the same fields we worked

all those years ago,

we will still dream

of our castle in the clouds.


Aww. This was a really nice ending to this poem <3

Overall: nice work!! You crafted a poem full of rich imagery and a sweet narrative. I hope to read more of your work soon! Until next time!




LUNARGIRL says...


Thanks for the review!



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20 Reviews


Points: 169
Reviews: 20

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Sun Sep 12, 2021 11:50 pm
FourLeafClover wrote a review...



Hey there! I'm here to review your poem!

until their as tight as violin's,

This line threw me off a little bit, because "their" suggested that they belonged to someone. After rereading that line, I'm pretty sure you meant "they're" instead, but maybe my brain just isn't functioning properly right now. The rest of the first stanza, though, was really nice and drew me in.

against the sprawling background of lush rolling hills

that are as abundant as the clouds in the sky,

Once again, this threw me off a little bit. Having the syllable count change so dramatically all at once was kind of confusing and set the reading off course (I don't even know what my fingers were doing at the end of that since it seems kind of confusing, so I hope you somehow managed to get what I'm trying to say). You did paint a lovely image in my mind with this stanza, though, so that's a plus!

and baskets are filled with produce form our labors,

Here I noticed another spelling error. Instead of from, it says form, but that's an easy fix, so I wouldn't worry too much about it.
The stanza did once again paint a nice picture for me, even if the syllable count was once again confusing me and it seemed like a huge chunk of run-ons.

The stanza after that was a really clever way to explain how much the place means to the narrator. The comparisons really helped to convey the worth.

I also really like the next stanza, because it shows hope and happiness and success in a very nice and easy way that makes the message quite clearly.

Once again, I enjoyed the following stanza. I'm not sure how to put this, so I'll let my fingers take over and see what happens, then decide if that's good enough.
This stanza really just seemed like the perfect way to tie everything together and fulfill the dreams of the narrator and the person they're speaking to, which is a wonderful way to end it.
I agree with my fingers, so that's how I'm wrapping this up.

You only have to pay attention to anything you think is important! Have a nice day, and thanks for reading!




LUNARGIRL says...


Thanks for the review!




Let the wild rumpus start!
— Maurice Sendak