Young Writers Society

Starting from the bottom though this part was wow I 100 loved this part I can't say this enough

"Now all I can do is try to survive,

as I live a life I no longer want,

and wait for night to fall,

so I can close my eyes,

and dream of the life

that could have been mine,

if I ever tried."

This too is very emotional to me kinda
"I might as well walk through a maze,

with no map to lead the way,

as I tumble over my own feet,

as I try to blindly find my way in this world.

..."
Here also you did superb this poem is 🤖💥

Sadly relatable. Good job lunar

Dude, this is so good. I re-read it four or five times. I think most everyone thinks "If I tried harder, I could have been something" multiple times in their life. We always feel that it's our fault we're not great, even though so much of it is up to chance. If this is how you're feeling, just know that it's never too late to start over! That was such a cheesy thing for me to say! Whatever!
My one critique is that the stanza
"If I kept my head up,

because instead of

walking through life,

I let life walk right through me."
doesn't have much flow to it, specifically the transition between the first and second lines. Great job, and thank you for your poem!

I find this poem captivating and very touching. The refrain of "if I ever tried" is interesting to think about, as it puts focus on the past failures that extend into the future. You did a great job making this specific enough to be personal but broad enough to be universal, which is a tricky balance to nail.

I love how the style becomes more freeform as the narrator gets more passionate and tension rises, then falls back into the structure that was at the start. All the stanzas in the 'B' section start with the word "I," you might want to consider starting the last stanza in the same way to solidify it as a blend of the two main ideas and patterns. The little separators between stanzas are a nice touch and define the stanzas as individual thoughts in my interpretation, so starting the last stanza with a conjunction subtracts a little from the final impact.

Paying a little more attention to the phrasing and how the lines are broken up could also really help your poem. For example, "would there be a legacy to // keep me alive?" feels more natural as "would there be a legacy // to keep me alive?" in my opinion. Every detail counts, and little tweaks like that can improve your writing a lot.

This is already a really good poem, so I hope I could help make it great! Keep writing!

I think your poem perfectly captures the regret one must live with when he folds his hands away and becomes a spectator in his own life. We have been given this life, so it is our duty, our responsibility to make something out of it. Otherwise all we will be left with is regret and never ending thoughts of what could have been.

"The endless possibilities

that could have existed,

they could have been mine,

if I ever tried"

I really liked this part because it emphasizes the fact that we are the author of our own story. Wherever we are, and wherever we end up, it's because of ourselves. We don't get to determine who we are born as, but we do get to decide who we become. And by simply letting go of that choice, we are surrendering.

"Now all I can do is try to survive,

as I live a life I no longer want,

and wait for night to fall,

so I can close my eyes,

and dream of the life

that could have been mine,

if I ever tried."

That is another part I really loved. Unless we actually do something with the life we have been given, we have to resort to dreaming about what could have been ours if we only had done things differently. That, I believe is a cruel punishment in itself.

That said, your poem was really beautiful. The simple language you used worked very well, it just would have been better if you had started each line with the capital letter.

Thanks for such a lovely read. It really makes you think about what you are doing with your life.