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Story Untold

by LUNARGIRL


I say goodbye to the waves as I die.

Perishing in the sea because I won’t survive.

I’ll drown in the blue waters,

Once filled with life.

I will twist and turn,

And try to fight.

But my will is not strong enough

Compared to their might.

And the waves will flood into my soul in delight

And I will drown in the water,

Into a death left untold to the world.

And no one will know.

No one will cherish my memory.

Because I don’t care about anybody.

A lonesome person,

Deserves a death so dark.

A stark difference,

From the life I should have lived.

I had visions of beauty,

But lost all my chances.

I have no will, no soul,

All that's left is a bile of bones.

Sagging, dying, just like I should.

Apart from the world, left untold.

The water will caress me,

And take me home.

Into its deep, dark depths,

Where my story is left untold.

I have already lived my life,

And it's too late to turn back.

My life went fast, and I have no legacy.

No chance in life.

As I am swallowed by the waves,

I feel acceptance, and know no pain.

My story was left untold to people,

Buts that okay.

Because the ocean knows what happened that day,

And it will tell my tale to the people who care.

Of a guy who died alone at night,

Who faced the world, and showed no fright.


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82 Reviews


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Reviews: 82

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Sun Dec 27, 2020 5:59 pm
Yoshikrab wrote a review...



Wow! Nice poem! I love the dramatic phrasing and the line structure. Although, it would have been nicer with a stanza differentiation, but that could be YWS's problem.

ANYWAYS

Grammar

All that's left is a bile of bones.


You meant "Pile" right?

Wow-- there are no other grammatical mistakes; Good for you! :D

Technical

Woo okay so this poem has no definite meter, which is a somewhat big problem, considering that this is a big poem. I would suggest looking into some synonyms of the words you placed to change the word usage, thus connecting the beat more. Let me give you an example:

I say goodbye to the waves as I die.

Perishing in the sea because I won’t survive.

I’ll drown in the blue waters,

Once filled with life.

I will twist and turn,

And try to fight.

But my will is not strong enough

Compared to their might.


This is your original "First eight lines" of the poem.

I say goodbye to the waves as I die.

I perish in the sea; I won’t survive.

I’ll drown in the blue waters of great strife,

Once filled with the myriads of life.

I will twist and turn,

And try to fight.

My will-- it dims

beneath their might.


This ^^^ Is my edited example version of your "First eight lines". See how I changed the words to make the rhythm more consistent? Consistency is extremely important in long poems like this-- so you can work on this for future poems.

You can take a look at the rest of your lines and see if they connect well or not.

Plot

Plot-wise, there is no problem in this poem. It is absolutely perfect! I love how the narrator seems to be in peace with death; so no issues here!

Anyways, I hope you are satisfied with this review!

Bon Voyage!

-y0sH!




LUNARGIRL says...


Thanks for the review!



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Sun Dec 06, 2020 7:34 pm
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stygianmoon17 wrote a review...



Hey there, hope you're having a good day, or night, in quarantine !

I just love how the first line instantly pulls you in. It's brusque, it's to the point, and there's this eeriness and just overall mystery with the "goodbye to the waves". The use of a full stop at the first line just seems a little out of place, not quite sure why you put it there. probably to mark a pause, but if so, then a comma or a semi-colon would've fitted better, because in poetry, when you use a full stop. The reader completely pauses.

Which would be fine, except it really breaks the flow, more so with the rhyme right after.

Typo alert: riiiight here "Buts that okay." unless that's.. some style..?

Overall just.. wow.. this poem immediately caught my attention, with it's main theme being the fear of being forgotten, the oldest fear of mankind, and the imagery being created with waves and the oceans, the thing that creates life, to bring death- that was also very impressive and poetic.

So really, not much bad stuff in this poem, actually, none at all, but really the overuse of full stops really break the flow. It helps to sometimes read a poem out loud while reaaaally insisting on the punctuation, that's what I do, to see how much of an impact that little full stop or that little comma has on the reader




LUNARGIRL says...


Thanks for the review!



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Sun Dec 06, 2020 2:28 am
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Horisun wrote a review...



Hello there! I hope you are having a good night in quarantine!
This poems title stood out instantly when I was trying to decide what to review. Its theme reflects one of humanity's greatest fears- not being remembered.
I read this as the ocean was not a literal thing, rather, it was simply death, swallowing the man whole. Its a scary concept that you captured really well.

The ending especially was a blow to the stomach. It was terrifying how it describes how blank this guy was as he died.
One critic for it however, is your word choice, right at the end.
"Of a guy who died alone at night"
Guy sounds a bit casual for this. I would suggest using "Man" instead, or "Boy" or "Girl"

Also, well each line hit home in its own way, I feel as if there was a lack of flow in some parts. I noticed that the rhyming scheme was inconsistent, and how some lines were much longer than others, and there was a lack of pattern.

But maybe that's just me! This poem was incredible, overall! And absolutely earned a like from me! It perfectly illustrates the fear of dying alone. You are an incredible poet, and I hope to see more from you in the future! Keep on writing, and have a great day!




LUNARGIRL says...


Thanks for the review!




The first draft is a trip to the amusement park. The next drafts are returning there as a safety inspector.
— SunsetTree