Wow! Nice poem! I love the dramatic phrasing and the line structure. Although, it would have been nicer with a stanza differentiation, but that could be YWS's problem.
ANYWAYS
Grammar
All that's left is a bile of bones.
You meant "Pile" right?
Wow-- there are no other grammatical mistakes; Good for you!
Technical
Woo okay so this poem has no definite meter, which is a somewhat big problem, considering that this is a big poem. I would suggest looking into some synonyms of the words you placed to change the word usage, thus connecting the beat more. Let me give you an example:
I say goodbye to the waves as I die.
Perishing in the sea because I won’t survive.
I’ll drown in the blue waters,
Once filled with life.
I will twist and turn,
And try to fight.
But my will is not strong enough
Compared to their might.
This is your original "First eight lines" of the poem.
I say goodbye to the waves as I die.
I perish in the sea; I won’t survive.
I’ll drown in the blue waters of great strife,
Once filled with the myriads of life.
Iwilltwist and turn,
And try to fight.
My will-- it dims
beneath their might.
This ^^^ Is my edited example version of your "First eight lines". See how I changed the words to make the rhythm more consistent? Consistency is extremely important in long poems like this-- so you can work on this for future poems.
You can take a look at the rest of your lines and see if they connect well or not.
Plot
Plot-wise, there is no problem in this poem. It is absolutely perfect! I love how the narrator seems to be in peace with death; so no issues here!
Anyways, I hope you are satisfied with this review!
Bon Voyage!
-y0sH!
Points: 421
Reviews: 129
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