The silence weighs heavy on my brain,
like a sledgehammer pounding,
it drives me insane.
Give me a break from this massacrer of madness,
set me free from this sadness,
let me live in unconventional gladness.
...
Don’t let this be my destruction,
when I need a salvation.
Let me stab the heart of silence,
and leash out my violence,
created from pent up silence.
...
Give me a chance to try,
give my something, anything,
to hold on to, to lunge for,
to purge the silence,
and break it’s bindings.
Let me rip It apart,
and shred it like paper.
...
Let me rage upon it a thousand fires,
that burn crisp with desire.
Let me admire it from a distance,
and gaze at the hell fire
I put into existence,
...
Don't let me keep quiet,
let me talk,
let me speak,
let me breathe,
let me kill the silence,
with an iron sword,
and send it to another world.
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
Hey LUNARGIRL, Katja here to review your poem! Please feel free to disregard any and all comments/suggestions I make if you find them unhelpful. Onto the review~
Overall Thoughts
I love that this poem takes a topic like "silence" and expands upon it in such an interesting way. It seems to express the deep desire to end the silence the narrator is sitting in, and does so in a very creative way. I also enjoyed the more relaxed structure and rhyme scheme, which worked well with this poem. It read like a flow of thoughts, like the narrator was experiencing this and saying exactly what they were thinking as time went by. One of my favorite parts of your poem was the beginning, where you wrote,
I love that this portrays how the silence is affecting the narrator, by saying the silence feels like a sledgehammer pounding- using this simile was a very creative way to express how the silence was affecting the narrator and stood out as one of my favorite lines!
Suggestions
I don't usually cover grammar/errors/ect but there are just a few areas that I feel could be improved by proofreading. For example,
In one area, the repetition of three rhymes, two of which were the same word, didn't flow well in my opinion.
I would recommend maybe trying to find another way to rhyme one of the two lines using "silence" or not rhyme all three at all, since your poem is fairly relaxed in this aspect. It's not technically wrong, it just didn't flow very well. I like the last two lines here, they go very well together, but having a third rhyme & second "silence" throws off the flow.
That's all I have for suggestions!
Final Thoughts
I really enjoyed your poem, particularly your use of imagery and descriptive language to expand upon the affect of silence on the narrator.
These parts in particular were a creative way to express this. It made silence into a real foe, something to be physically defeated. Very cool idea indeed. Also, I applaud you for being able to write something this creative & well done in between your classes!
I look forward to reading more of your work!
Keep Writing,
~Katja
Thanks for the review!
Hey this isn't really a review but I think you meant to say "let me breathe" and not "let me breath"
Nice poem
Thanks, didn't see that.
also, is your profile a picture of Cinder? i like it☺️
Yes, its Cress Darnel, The Lunar Chronicles is one of my favorite series.
me too! i cant remember much from it, but i love the characters%uD83E%uDD7A
Yes, the characters are awesome in it!
Oh my gosh i love it. so. much. It just got better and better!
)
Here are a few things I noticed, please remember this is just my personal opinion
I feel like the beginning and end are the most crucial parts, and they seemed a little dull. It just doesn't quite portray the beautiful passion that exists throughout the rest of the poem.
The beginning was confusing and didn't give me an idea of how the rest of the poem would lead, and the very last 3 lines didn't have the ending passion I was hoping for.
This poem was beautifully put together and I'm amazed that you did it in such a short time. You really are a natural.
Hope this helps🙂
Thanks for the review!