The Abyss
I lived in the abyss,
And no one ever tried to free me from this.
This pain that lurked around the corner,
The struggle that I fought to face.
I lived in the shadows,
In a cloud of smoke.
It left me breathless,
It left me loss.
It left me alone.
It left me in the dark.
I was never at peace, to no avail,
I let it consume me,
Until I was only a shell,
A shell of who I once was.
There was nothing left,
Nothing, but a blinding rage.
A rage that drove me.
A rage for the life, I never got to live.
Rage is what kept me going.
Rage was what consumed me.
And the light never showed through,
I was stuck there,
That was all I knew.
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Nice! Great job with this poem, It's very powerful, and I especially liked the first two lines, and how they rhymed. I think when you go on to say It left me, in those few lines, I think a few of those lines are kind of repetitive, like in what you are saying it left the character. If that makes sense? But, that's just my opinion, it's a beautiful poem, great job!
Thanks for the review!
AAAAAH. Okay, I really, really like the simplicity of this piece. Simplicity can be a really nice too if used nicely, like this. My favorite lines/was:
"I was never at peace, to no avail,
I let it consume me,
Until I was only a shell,"
The sense of hollowed-out hope that this piece exudes is amazing. I'm not sure if this person has ventured into the depths of their own mind, or has fallen into a deep depression, but it is clear that they are not the least bit happy with their life choices, and feels that they could have lived life so much differently, if possibly, the right decisions had been made. Of course, this is only my interpretation of it, and you could be honing in on something I hadn't picked up on.
I really liked this piece, and I hope I did it justice with this review.
Cheers.
-Minty Leaf
Thanks!
Wassup! I'm here for your review!
The second line is a bit long, so you could make it shorter in some way? Maybe?
Because the two lines after that have perfect rhythm with each other. So a short line followed by three longer lines would be a nice beginning.
For example: "I lived in the abyss, no one helped me escape from this. The pain that lurked around the corner, the struggle that I fought to face."
Line four could be: "It left me at loss"
"It left me in the dark" could go in front of "It left me alone" since "It left me alone" is a more potentially and substantially powerful phrase than "It left me in the dark." In fact, it connects more with the next few lines, where it said that it not only was the PoV alone, the PoV was consumed and not a peace.
I liked the metaphor of being a shell. However, to express your point more, you could have wrote, "Until I was only an empty shell, a shell of who I once was." Additionally, I would have added another line that expressed more such as , "Until I was only an empty shell, a shell of who I once was. Degraded to being collected by ones luckier than I." Or something along those lines.
The fourth line should not have a comma: "A rage for the life I never got to live." is what it should be.
On the fifth and sixth lines, the redundancy came in. There are some places where repetition is helpful and powerful, but it is not needed at this point. A better way to write it would be: "It was what kept me going. It was what consumed me."
And the final lines would have more power if instead it said, "And I was stuck there, until that was all I knew."
Final thing: Your tenses are a big scrambled throughout this poem. At some places you are in past tense, and some places you are in present tense. It's a common problem, so it's no big deal, but I just wanted to point it out.
Anyways, I hope you are satisfied with this review!
-Yoshi