The sky is blue,
And I have an ocean view.
But my mind is black,
Like the midnight sky.
...
Crazy thoughts,
Tumble through my head,
To block them out,
It's like getting shot.
...
The darkness, my fear,
The light, my salvation.
I think about the light,
The brightness it shines,
But how it can burn.
...
The darkness tries to cover up the light,
That my thoughts spun from air.
It tries to cover up that sliver of sun,
But the light will not cower in fear.
...
Like a chink in the armor,
The darkness tries to run.
The light filling up my mind
As bright as the blue sky.
...
In one last stance,
The darkness and light battle it out with a fight.
They converge and break apart,
Over and over again.
...
Agony splits across my mind,
And I scream in pain.
It feels like my mind is splitting apart,
Then buried in a hole.
...
That’s where the darkness goes,
As it vanishes in a flash.
Then the he light explodes,
Reaching into untold holes,
Like a supernova it goes.
...
I open my eyes to the sky,
And breath in the salty spray of the ocean,
It feels good to be alive.
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This seems a little generic in my opinion. when you write you want to have a little bit more originality.
there is some bad grammar at the top, for example, "Then the he light explodes"
the he probably shouldn't be there.
I think it an alright poem but I feel like the formation isn't very good or exact.
it looks like you took a book full of words most commonly used in poems and used that for this.
so the dark and light are in your head and you are having a headache over good and evil?
like I said an alright poem but I would like so see something that makes it a little more original
Hey there, hope you’re having a wonderful day, (or night) !
*
I’ll try not using “ as much since, well, it looks like someone hacked my text when I do this 😅
So anyways- on to the review !
I really liked this poem, it had a nice flow and structure, and the imagery is interesting, it’s weird but there’s something about oceans that’s just so appealing- I’ve seen countless poets here and in the outside world talk about oceans as a poetic form of style, but this one was the first I ever saw where it’s not only about oceans, it’s about darkness and light.
Little type tho, right here, “ Then the he light explodes,”
For an otherwise immaculate poem with zero mistakes ! So great for you and us readers
I think the ont thing that bugged me the most was the flow. It’s a pretty standard poem, four lined stanzas, a except for the last ones emphasizing on the break at that point of the storytelling-
- but that’s not what bothered me, what did, was the way you ended each stanza. Along the first ones, it’s a AABC type of structure, and although that form is very interesting, it makes for some very impactful feels, the sudden C (in AABC) really breaks the flow. There’s like this uninterrupted flow of grace and beauty, suddenly broken at each fourth line. Which could be interesting, except when there’s like seven stanzas, it really stands out and breaks the whole atmosphere.
Not sure if that was wanted, but there’s some sibilance in the last three lines,
*Ill interrupt my review for a little explanation, in case you don’t know what a sibilance is, because I mean, my English teacher is kinda just talking about stuff no one ever talks about- well it’s basically the repetition of the sound S. It’s like fricatives and gutturals, but for the sound S. Now to the review
With “I open my eyeS to the Sky/ and breath in the Salty Spray of the oCean/ it feelS good to be alive”
And that’s just gorgeous. It makes the last bit so much more refreshing and just elegant compared to the more brusque and chopped lines of before. Something I’ve also seen, in case you’re looking to improve that poem or just your writing style in general, is to write elongated resonance..? I think that’s what it’s called..? (*Yes it’s my mad English teacher again who taught us this*) so basically saying stuff like “deep and green” it’s loooong. And if you’re going for that refreshening sense with the ocean in the last lines, elongated resonance would really help.
It’s pretty much it ! There’s not much stuff I can point out in this poem, because it’s really beautiful and just unique in its own way, so really, good job to you and can’t wait to read some more from you !
Thanks for the review!