Drowned

Hey there Lunar,

I've got to say, this poem really leaves a lot of anticipation for the reader!

I enjoyed the different images you chose to portray this sinking, drowning feeling (one of my fave to describe in poetry), I think you could go a bit more specifically into what is causing the feeling of drowning -> whether that's being overwhelmed / anxious / something specific emotionally / or physical.

You've got some nice light rhymes and assonance throughout, and I think that elevates the poem's language a bit, I'd encourage you to keep that up and maybe even try to work in more sound devices if you can, especially at key moments in the poem.

One thing I was curious about was I saw is that you switch back and forth between "I" --> "i" and I was wondering if that's supposed to the show the narrators loss of self in the final two stanzas where you transition to the lowercase "i". If so, it might be interesting to try to portray that in other grammatical or punctuation ways too!! to make a clear point of transition.

In the 2nd to last stanza "Its" should be "It's" because it's standing for the contraction "It is".

I think my favorite stanza is 4th I like the intense imagery of the drowning mixed with the hourglass!! That really makes a dreadful panicky combination together!!

The main mood I get from this poem is that the narrator is trying very hard to escape some outside anxiety or fear but they just are not able to no matter what they do and it's causing them to really lose touch with themselves and whatever has rooted them to "land" so at the end they actually metaphorically or actually die.

Quite a dramatic ending! Great work in this poem! Looking forward to reading another soon!

All the best,

alliyah

The part with the 'hourglass' was witty. Nice use of metaphors. It was deep. I wish I could write poems like these

Hey Lunar! I'm bacc for my first review since review day! Awesome poem! This is certainly very dramatic and powerful! Good work!

I’m drowned by everything around,

like I’m engulfed in a suit of armor,

not for my protection,

but for my destruction.

It weighs heavy on my mind,

and attacks my body from the inside,

little bubbles dance around,

my time draining, fading.

The hourglass about to be smashed,

and my hope goes with my last breath,

as I gasp, I hope I will go fast,

the water floods in, and the air stays out.

And there's no hope left,

as my body finally hits the bottom,

i scream with all the anguish that’s left inside,

and say goodbye, right before die.

This is an fantastic poem - I love the imagery and the emotion threads that you've used that carry on well throughout the poem.

This is really amazing. Keep it up

I really enjoyed this poem. It was definitely dark, but it was still good. Most of my critiques align with other ones in the comments, like repetition. I would definitely try and change it up and use some deeper language/metaphors if you are able to add some extra feelings. But honestly good job!!

Hello LUNARGIRL! I quite enjoyed this piece. The poem gives off a dark and negative energy, which I think was your intention. I found the choice of metaphors like the hourglass and the armor work well with the overall theme, so kudos to you for that! Fun fact, this is actually the first poem I reviewed on this platform without an punctuation, formatting, and grammar mistakes that I can spot! I'm giving you two thumbs up and a standing ovation for that!

The poem is a very easy read, and it flows nicely off the tongue, which is very important for poetry.

The only things that I can say are the repetitiveness of the word choice. The name of the poem is drowning, but the drowning you are writing about is consistently being described similarly in each stanza it's mentioned. Maybe try to change up the way you wish to describe it, so you can bring in more deeper language and feeling to the idea. The other thing was the inconsistent rhyme scheme. The first two stanzas had a rhyme scheme but then it stopped. I'm all for the inconsistency in rhyme if need be, but here it tends to take away from the overall flow and rhythm of the poem. I don't particularly find it necessary. But that, might just be me. It's just a thought, if you like it that way, that's also fine.

Overall, great job! Loved this poem. Keep calm and write on!

Hey! Rida here for a review!

First impressions: this was.... a pretty dark poem. A bit sad. But, it’s good like that.

Glows:

This poem was creating a feeling of sadness inside you. It showed the pressure life sometimes gives us. I just had a question: was the drowning part metaphorical or were you showing how it really feels like drowning?
But this poem was wonderful. The punctuation was perfect. This poem did strike deep. It’s formatting makes it easy to read and understand. This poem was really cute, actually. I liked it. and it’s now down in the separate folder I keep for some of my favourite poems! I loved this!





Grows:

So, as much as this poem was dark, it was really repetitive. It kept describing drowning in each stanza until the last two. Coincidentally, I ALSO wrote a poem on drowning, which was even called ‘drowning’. I posted it on my blog: blog/rida/problems_b-66104.html

The other is:

“like I’m engulfed in a suit of armor,

not for my protection,

but for my destruction.

...”

So, I didn’t really understand what you meant by ‘armour’. It just didn’t feel like that, you know. But it could just be me.
However, I suggest changing it to something like......

“ I’m drowned by everything around,
Choking in the cruel hands of death,
Arms flailing helplessly, no way to escape,
I’m tied at the place with a tape.”

I know, mine isn’t that good either :p

The other was the rhyming scheme.
The first two stanzas had a rhyming scheme, but from the third, it was either broken or abandoned. You could stay in the non rhyming section maybe? Or vice versa?

The last is just a grammatical mistake:

“Its calm, and for a second,

i can see the other side.

i don’t want to go,”

The ‘I’s should be capitalised.


Lastly:
Other than that, no mistake! I love this poem and look forward to more from you!

~Rida