Midnight Sun: Part I

It was a beautiful poem. The imagery was flawless. And the finish touched perfection. Looking forward to the other part's. =)

That makes more sense.
In my opinion though, you should write things the way you want them to be read, so abbreviate those words! Make them vig'lant, and fav'rite, and what have you. If Shakespeare could do it, so can you.
Haha, up to you, but I would write them that way.

Thanks Em. Now I see where you're coming from. You make some good points. I agree, some lines are too long. I'll try to resolve some here:

No hole is small enough to hide

I stand forever vigilant
Against the Devil's favourite pet.

When I am old and frail,
...
Tear off his darkened veil.

Only when he is no more
Will your dark thoughts cease.

But until that bright day comes, my love,

Beautiful work. I love ho you're initially talking as if to children. Keep it up!

Okay, sorry my review was so unclear. I'll try to explain what I meant.

He finds you when you're sleeping. 7 syllables
He rattles on your door. 6 syllables
He makes your nightmares real, 6 syllables
He will make you beg for more. 7 syllables
With the first lines you set a 7 beats, then 6 beats convention. It works nicely and puts the emphasis on the right things. Then in the next two lines you break it. This makes it hard to read as the rhythm changes slightly.

No hole is small enough to hide, 8 syllables 8 beats then 6 works too, you just have to decide how many beats you want in each line and stick with it.
Nowhere is left to run. 6 syllables
The Nightmare Man will find you 7 syllables
Beneath the Midnight Sun. 6 syllables

But don't despair, my children; 7 syllables
He hasn't found you yet. 6 syllables
I stand forever vigilant 8 syllables
Against the Devil's favourite pet. 8 syllables
The last two lines of this verse read very clumsily because they're both a little too long.

But if he ever finds you, 7 syllables
When I am old and frail, 7 syllables (or maybe 6 if you rush 'frail')
You must confront him face to face; 8 syllables
Tear off his darkened veil. 8 syllables
Again with two lines of 8 syllables. Maybe you want to make that the convention for every verse?

Only when he is no more 8 syllables
Will your dark thoughts cease. 5 syllables
But until that bright day comes, my love, 9 syllables The flow of this line is all wrong. I don't know which beats should have emphasis and which shouldn't.
You must learn to love the beast.7 syllables

Personally, I can't see anything at all wrong with the rhythm. I thought it was regular as clockwork. Seriously, two people have mentioned it now - am I blind or something?

Wow!! This is positively brilliant!!!! I love every line! The picture made it even better. I can't wait to read more of your work! Never stop writing!

just because the rythm is isn't consistant doesn't mean anything. I think I see rhyming uneven in famous poems, you can break rules all the time. This is great! except about the "beg for more" part

Come on, you can do better than that.
What happened to your meter? You break it in just about every verse.

I think I've heard this one before? And I like the ideas in it. I like them a lot. But your rhythm, or lack of, kept throwing me off. The themes are nice, but please make them flow together better; they deserve it!

This is not a proper review sorry. I'm too tired. I might come back later and have another look.

until then I hope this is a little bit helpful.

- Em

Hey Karzkin,

I like this a lot! Very nice job! Especially powerful is your very last line--stunning and a perfect closing to a great poem!

There is one thing here that I don't understand:

He finds you when you're sleeping.
He rattles on your door.
He makes your nightmares real,
He will make you beg for more.

Very nice!

Powerful imagery and flawless writing.

Keep it up!

~H.

I love it Aboslutely awesome!

How many parts will there be?

Brilliant work,
-Brie