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140,946 Literary Works • 673,776 Reviews
Hey again, Karzkin. This poem happened to come up in my search for something to review, so I'm here again!
This poem reads really smoothly. I love the electric theme, too, because it has potential to be so visceral. I'm surprised you didn't go for any of the sensations of electrocution, though. There's not even a buzz to be felt, no texture which would have brought this entire thing alive, except for maybe the smooth coldness of a metal tang against your tongue. Did you choose to leave texture out on purpose? I think the poem would benefit from it.
For me, there were two weak points in the poem.
This was the first:
This not only broke the smooth and subtle rhythm you had going on, but it just seemed trite. Blinkers seemed out of place in your description. Though I know you were going a little toward the realm of horses, bringing up words like biting and twisting, remnants of chomping at the bit, I think pursuing the metaphor made it fall flat. Now instead of humans with eerily animal qualities, it goes one step too far into ridiculous costume play. The "seeing what real smiles look like", too, takes away from the validity of this experience and makes it feel like it's all a game in a poem, which it doesn't have to feel like.
The last stanza, too, was not as sharp as the rest. I was okay with crunching the filament, but although I think the "burp the ABCs" was striving for the right kind of casual image that would keep this real, I think it was a little bit too fun and silly and broke the tone of the entire poem right before it would have released us.
Hopefully these insights were helpful.
PM me if you have any questions or comments.
Good luck and keep writing!
This is really an awesome peace of work it's truly beautiful I love how you used a variety of words then it turns around and gets awkward in a way the title was a little bit misleading but other than that it was a nice job and very well should be published you can really connect with it. You have a great gift thank you for posting this it really made me smile
Hey!
The idea is nice, the thought you have put behind this is commendable. The 2nd stanza is my favorite, and choosing one favorite was hard. Although I agree with Gabriellemarice99 that the title is quite misleading. Change it perhaps? But other than that, I love it!
This is a beautiful piece of work- really different and it works.
Such a nice piece. In my own words, great!
I absolutely love this.
There is something awkward about the dedication at the first part that I really like. I know it's not a part of the real poem itself, but it made me smile. It takes away that excess seriousness that your poem has. Anyway, sorry if I'm talking nonsense...
Well I like how this poem is divided into five parts and each stanza is just a single sentence creatively divided into lines.
>The first stanza is amazing. I find it rather clever, it paints a strange picture in my mind...
>The second stanza has good imagery and word choice. Very poetic.
>The third stanza is my favourite. There's just something in it that stands out for me.
>The fourth stanza is very amusing...it striked me as a bit confusing.
>The fifth stanza is like "Wow that's a nice ending."
Overall this is great. Keep it up.
Hi the poem is lovely but I don't think the title fits. I love this poem because each person can gather something different from it. Its very abstract and creative. The other thing I see is each stanza has a different meaning which is kind of cool but the only ones that really relate are the first second and fifth. I feel the third and forth could have been and entirely different poem all together. Over all I still love it so keep up the good work!