"...Such money renders back
In payment he who is on Earth too daring."
Sweeney said to me,
"A lot of words are spoken here,
But not much is said."
He twisted and turned the ring in his hand,
Fingers tracing the band round and
Round and round
And round and
*
"They called me 'cold'
Even after the hellfire I reigned
And rained
And reigned.
But to be fair, I was the only one burned."
*
The rancid scent of burning flesh
And of battles won
And of battles lost,
The sea, the sand, the heat,
Cordite and blood,
A blooming chrysanthemum,
And fear.
*
The rustle of a dry, dead geranium
And the rasp of whiskers against a collar.
The pounding onslaught of
Harmony and consonance
And that velvety substance
Left by a too-sudden silence.
*
The flickering lamp -
A shadow of itself
Giving voice to the anamnesis.
Memory sings
Behind eyes I dare not meet in -
*
Sweeney's fingers
Round and round and
Round and round
And
Round and
It falls,
Bounces once,
Again,
Skitters into the corner.
I see Sweeney hesitate before picking it up -
For an instant,
A flicker of something, something -
And I cannot help but wonder
If he is really happy,
And if, given the option,
Sisyphus would much rather die.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
K.,
You have some nice substance here, and yet you fall trap to your clear infatuation with description.
I'm going to take the liberty to assume the Sweeney you're referring to in this is T.S Eliot's Sweeney. If I'm wrong, feel free to stomp on my feet and beat me over the head with something wooden. I'm only guessing, because this first stanza resonates slightly with "Sweeney Among the Nightingales"
For reference:
Spoiler
Letting his arms hang down to laugh,
The zebra stripes along his jaw
Swelling to maculate giraffe.
The circles of the stormy moon
Slide westward toward the River Plate,
Death and the Raven drift above
And Sweeney guards the horned gate.
Gloomy Orion and the Dog
Are veiled; and hushed the shrunken seas;
The person in the Spanish cape
Tries to sit on Sweeney's knees
Slips and pulls the table cloth
Overturns a coffee-cup,
Reorganized upon the floor
She yawns and draws a stocking up;
....
(http://www.online-literature.com/ts-eliot/poems/12/)
You've done well enough with the repetition through this poem, but be careful not to batter your reader too much with it. Your poem needs more then repetitive play on words to get through, and dumping that on us every tiny stanza isn't quite as effective as it could be. Repetition can be used really well, cause a droning, chanting feel - jam in a point so the impact at the end is much larger. But here, you begin to border on the beginner attempt at repetition, where it's not bringing anything to the poem, but just, well, repetition. Vignettes have to give me an impression, present me a snippet of something. It must trenchant for it to have the proper effect. Don't beat around the push carelessly, you certainly don't have the time. These lines:
are the kind of effect you want. Sensual and descriptive and sends my mind rocketing out. Not:
with the word play that just makes me want to groan. Or more damaging in my mind:
Lists, lists! The woes of any poet's soul. Listing off these scene description is only going to give us words that are writing out a scene, not the scene itself. It's perhaps an impression, but I can't immerse myself in a grocery list of war and blood. It's about as cold and hollow as an igloo. As tempting as it may be, listing off scene description is and will never be useful or representative of your ideas. It's boring, amateurish and generally not worth a read.
I want you to make your language precise, don't force me to make the connections for you. For vignettes specifically, I have to be struck with this snippet and left with a burning curiosity to the before/after of this snippet you've teased me with.
Also, nice call on the Dante.
Kamas
This is SO great!
It flows perfectly, has a good title, a good rhyme...
And there are two things it reminded me of:
Sweeney Todd, for the name of the character, and the poem "Bells", written by Edgar Allan Poe, because of the repetition of the word "round" in
In Poe's poem he repeats the word "bells" just like you did!
I love both Sweeney Todd and Edgar Allan Poe, so you know what your poem meant for me... haha
Congratulations!!!
Let us hear from you again soon!
Hey,
This was great, so great! No, really! anamnesis, such a cool word, it's become my word of the month and then you hit me with Sisyphus... I have no idea what to do now! Great piece, so imaginative, so powerful and it flows together perfectly. Really, really, really good!
Love,
Evenslilyxx
This is amazing.
No, really.
I'm not sure I can give a very detailed review here, because it just comes together so well! I especially love "Round and round / And round and" for its balance. Normally I might say you don't need to capitalize the beginning of every line, but I think it gives a special weight to this one. You might experiment using regular capitalization, but that's up to you.
I had to look up the word "anamnesis," and I'm always excited when I get to learn new words. It's a fantastic word, and it fits the piece very well.
The last part deviates from the pattern of the rest of the piece, and I'm not sure what I think of that. It's a nice conclusion that ties everything together, to be sure. Again, I had to look up Sisyphus. Very interested reference there. Gives more meaning to the "round and round," I think.
Yes, overall, I really like this. It's very powerful, and you have excellent word choice. I love how you cut some lines off -- that's always been one of my favorite techniques to read, though I rarely practice it. Your line breaks in general are skilled, and it flows nicely.
Very good job. Very good.